C.
Hi D.,
This can be a touchy subject and I commend you for being able to ask for advice. As you will see I'm a pretty open person so here are my thoughts. I'm living your problem... but from the other side. I'll try to give you a little more insight into how you husband may be feeling. We have a 10 month old son and my husband and I had a lot of very stressful things happen in our lives while I was pregnant (two house payments for 9 months, death in family, etc). He went on an anti-anxiety/depressive medication that may be affecting his interest in sex, but I feel just like your husband does. That it's my fault. I never lost all of the weight from the first baby and now I'm pregnant again (ok so my husband does have some interest LOL). But I feel like it's me that he has lost interest in, not just sex. When my hormones aren't over-reacting I can recognize that it probably is the medication and that sex has always been more important to me in our relationship than it is to him. I know that we spend so much of our emotion on our son that it can sometimes take special effort to show that love and affection to each other. Like you we dated for two years before getting married. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary in August. When we would watch TV at night we would always sit next to each other on the couch and hold hands. Now one of us is always with the baby. I really miss those little shows of affection and just being touched in a casual way as we pass each other in the hallway. I'm not even going to suggest trying sex at another time of the day because I know how impossible that can be with a baby's schedule. Does your husband help with the housework and your daughter's baths? What are you doing right before you get into bed. If chores, can your husband pick up some of that so you can take a relaxing 1/2 hour bubble bath? Are you breastfeeding? Is that affecting your thoughts on sex. Do you work outside the home or get some type of social interaction besides your daughter? It is only that you are tired? Do you ever feel mad at your husband (and therefore with hold sex) maybe because you feel he has more freedom than you because you feel more committed to always being there for your daughter (especially if you are breast feeding?) Is your diet the same as it was before the pregnancy? Are you still taking a multi-vitamin to help with energy? Do you exercise at all? Can you take a walk after dinner, with or without your daughter and husband? Did you lose the weight from the baby? How do you feel about your own physical appearance? Are you doing anything special for yourself? Go buy a new outfit, get a new haircut/color, splurge on a pedicure or massage. Not sure if any of this clicked with you. I guess my point is... look into reasons why you could be feeling this way aside from recently giving birth. Initiate sex, even if you don't feel like it!!! He may still know you're really not into it but he will be in a better mood the next morning! Or you may find that by initiating it, you peak your own interest. Give him a kiss on the back of the neck before you start to get ready for bed. Spend the time getting ready for bed thinking about past experiences with him that were exciting. Think about doing things you have never done before. Doesn't mean you have to act on it but it could help get your interest back. If he isn't touching you where you really want to be touched, communicate that!! For me sex is an emotional connection as well as physical and without it those emotions build up in a bad way. I really need that release on a regular schedule. Also, you don't need to have sex to show your husband how much you love him. As I mentioned, little signs of affection go a long way. Spoon in bed for 5-10 minutes before going to sleep. Put your hand on his leg while driving somewhere. Stop and rub his neck/shouders when you pass him by. Give him a hug when he gets home from work. Don't just say I love you, that can get to be an automatic reply. Tell him your glad he's home or that your glad it's the weekend so you can spend more time together. I hope something in this long winded reply helps you!
C.