Here’s the background – sorry this is sooooo long:
My b’friend and I have started ‘relationship counseling’ (for a myriad of small problems that have been building, some basic mis-communication and one large issue that led me to call the counselor). He is a willing participant and we are making progress. We are both committed to staying in this relationship; although neither one of us knows if we want to get married. It’s not about if I want to marry HIM, it’s about if I want to get married (but that’s a whole ‘nother ball-o-wax).
For background: We’ve been together 3 years and we have both been divorced previously. I have a 10 year old daughter (and they get along well and have established good roles with each other). He has no kids. We don’t plan to have kids (I am 40 / he is 36 and we aren’t planning on getting married…. Hence no cute little offspring).
Part of our issue is that we have different backgrounds and had VERY different upbringings. One of the things we have noticed is that we just have a different BASE EXPECTATION perspective on things that would generally be ‘assumed’ for other couples, but since we came from different places our assumptions aren’t the same…. leading to some miscommunication etc etc etc.
So, we came up with this idea of doing what we are calling a relationship ‘blueprint’. It’s not really well-defined and our counselor LOVED the idea and although he’s been a counselor forever, he doesn’t really have a template or anything that we can follow of what should be included. I did some internet searches and found some “conversations you should have before you get married” type of articles. But I’m looking for something more.
Again – let me say that it’s not clearly defined right now. I would say that when I think about it…. It’s almost like a framework of what our expectations are. OF COURSE this will be flexible. It’s more to facilitate discussion so that we don't realize we are on different pages - when we are already frustrated, hurt etc. For example – our last counseling session was on privacy/secrets (funny that was a mamapedia post 2 days after our session – gave me some good points of view!!!!). So we talked about how each of us feels and what our expectations are (for ourselves and from each other) and then we sorta see if each is ok with that and then we write it down in the blueprint. So, basically we write down a summary of each person’s position and then what we have decided is ok for each of us.
So far we are going to talk about the following “Topics”:
Privacy/Secrecy:
This covers computer & general account password sharing, information given to each of us from friends/my daughter/our families that they may ask one of us to ‘keep’ from the other. What is “ok” to keep to ourselves & what is the expectation that will be shared.
Social Relationships:
How ‘nights out’ discussed. What is OK to do on a ‘night out’? If one of us is going to have coffee with a co-worker after work, how is that handled/discussed. What is the goal about making ‘couple friends’ (right now we just each have the friends we had before we knew each other – and we have become friends with those friends, but WE don’t have any “couple friends”)
Living Arrangements:
We aren’t living together. What are the expectations as we continue to stay together, but perhaps NOT toward marriage (ie Keys, contributions, decision making on things like purchase of large items – not necessarily financially – but if he’s at my house 4/7 days should he go with me to pick out my new TV? Or does he stay out of it and it’s my thing since it’s my house – that kind of discussion).
Finances:
Money is separate (see Living Arrangements) but we go out to dinner, on vacations, share items at each others home. If either one of us is going to make a big purchase is the other one included in the conversation.
What else should be included? I’m looking more for what topics you think should be included, rather than your positions on the topics listed- but all input is good input as far as I’m concerned and the more I know what other people do the more I tend to be “open” to doing it differently.
Thanks so much for your input!
After reading your question, it actually made me relieved that I am married.
So complex! I am worried that the more 'rules' you make, the more possiblity of breaking these 'rules'.
Just wanted to chime in on the money issue:
1. If you aren't "dating" and you aren't going to get married, money is separate and you don't have to ask permission for ANYTHING. I don't think I would share that much of my financial life with someone who won't be committed to me "forever"...or however long that lasts these days. If you aren't responsible for my house payment etc. no need to share there!
2. Passwords on email etc shouldn't be shared with ANYONE. Now, my DH and I share an email account since we have kids and schedules that intertwine so yes we know the email passwords...but if he or she isn't in the same boat, NO!
So many things are done on email these days that passwords, bank accounts, names of your first pet etc should NOT be shared with anyone. IDENTITY THEFT is real. I don't care how good the sex is...if you aren't married...NO...DON'T SHARE!
That all sounds much more complicated than it needs to be.....aside from rules re: your daughter....act with respect, expect the same and follow your heartvoice, it usually know where you need to go! Good luck to you!
Wow - I get that you come from different backgrounds/places in life, but man, I've never seen a relationship be micromanaged in this way.
YES, there are definitely things that should be known about one another when moving forward in a relationship, but I have no desire to make a blueprint of every detail of my relationship and future with my fiance. That would mentally and emotionally exhaust me.
My thinking is that if you can communicate with one another in a positive way, then you can deal with things as they come up. You can't plan for everything. You just can't.
Just my humble opinion.
How about health care? If either one of you are in the ER, neither will be able to see the other (next of kin and all that) or have any input on heathcare options/payments/etc. This also brings up any joint property issues or life insurance, pensions, benefits, etc.
Just my opinion, but I think you're making this harder than it needs to be - especially since you don't live together. You don't need to consult on major purchases (your money is your money/his money is his money), and he should not be on any of your bank accounts or know your passwords, or credit card numbers. You should not know his info either. He is your boyfriend and nothing beyond that.
It sounds like you want the marriage without being married on paper. You want to be able to escape without having to go through a messy divorce, but make no mistake, you want to be this man's wife. It sounds like he wants to be your husband too.
Good luck.
Holidays?
Parental roles, as far as your child is concerned? What role, if any, will he play in her upbringing?
Morals and standards?
Time?
-Seems to me that this would be a big one, seeing how you guys are not living together...what happens when one or both of you get busy? How much time do you guys really spend together? Are feelings gonna get hurt if you guys get too busy and don't see each other that often...aren't you guys gonna get lonely? Monogamy will then come up again, I think anyway?
Good Luck...hope this helps some? This was hard, not sure I was that helpful? I think you guys are trying and doing a good job in covering all your bases, it's just pretty complicated, IMO.
~Trust, seems to me, to be the biggest issue you guys might need to deal with and talk about...with not living together you guys still will be leading 2 completely separate lives!
These all sound like great topics to talk through either during counseling, or just between the two of you. One thought I had, though, is that no matter how many agreements you have, there will always be another new situation that will come up. This is why talking, sharing, communicating continuously is important. I guess they way I am is that I like to have very few rules, but the few are important to have to get through all the unexpected: respect each other, consider the other's needs, talk to each other - and that's about it.
Oh, and I'm with in agreement with you on the ever getting married again question, but don't let anyone tell you that a committed relationship is any less important, more or less difficult, or takes more or less work that a relationship that has been "blessed" with that piece of paper.
Interesting question and great ideas! I would add:
What is his role in your daughter's life? Mom's boyfriend or more of a step-parent?
How do you handle holidays...your family, his family, a mix, start your own traditions, etc.
What are your respective roles in a crisis? Is he considered your inner circle/family if you were in an accident or ill? Does he get a say in your care, is he expected to be a caregiver, can you count on him to be there? And vice-versa for you...
If you stay together for the long haul, you'll need to consider things like retirement assets and real estate, but that may be premature right now. For the time being, be sure that you are saving for your own retirement and, if you can afford to do so, for college for your daughter. Make sure your will, living will, and life insurance are up to date and crystal clear. As the saying goes, a man is not a retirement plan.
Good luck with this!
Hey,
Sounds like you two are really afraid of commitment. I'll willing to bet that if both of you are able to resolve YOUR OWN respective personal issues around why your last relationships failed/fell apart/whatever, then you won't have to resort to this posturing of personal boundaries, and setting up rules that most probably would not be neccesary if both of you could be committed to each other, instead of this making of a life where both of you have the 'freedom' to escape/hide whenever either feels confronted by uncomfortable issues brought up by whatever you are sensitive about.
I'm glad you two have found each other, sounds like you are both in the same place emotionally, but it seems like there is a lot of healing left to be done by each of you, and maybe maintaining appropriate boundaries is a part of that healing. It just might come about faster for you two if you face it 'with' each other instead of as two people with seperate lives who happen to spend some time together. Or not, I don't know you folks, just throwing it out there in case you haven't thought of it.
If I'm way off base, I apologize. If any of this rings true, bounce it off your councellor.
Take care and good luck,
Keith
Some topics that come to my mind include:
-Co-parenting/not Co-parenting/his role with your daughter,
-Intimacy,
-Communication Guidelines (especially what ground rules might be helpful during heated discussions, discussions about the future, when one of you feels vulnerable/not heard, etc.)
one thing i would definately talk with him about is hte expectations of him in your daughter's life. and if he is supposed to discipline her and how he should do it. that has been a point of contention with myself and my fiance.
Hmmm very interesting.
How about retirement?
Also in the topic of living arangements... this comes to mind...
are you set on your current location? (moving, job relocation, etc)
What if one of you wants to buy a house (would the other party go in on it, what if you want to purchase by yourself, OR if you already own and decide to live together who's house would you live in, would you both sell and find a new place together...or more so what would your feelings be about those).
I don't know if you have already figured that out yet but just came to mind (its part of what I had to discuss because I was in a long distance relationship).
I'm not sure where this would go...maybe finances...placing each other in your will? (I hope you don't think im greedy I actually did not want to be named in my BF's will or on his life insurance policies as a beneficiary until we get married, I told him to only put our daughter and whoever else he wanted...i just have my weird reasons for that I guess lol).
Hope this helps in some way. =)
