Relationship Issues - Westerly,RI

He needs to grow up.
Perhaps he can't deal with having a child.
But that is life, and he has to learn to cope.
He has a child... and it WILL affect her, for better or for worse.

Kids, get really affected by parents fighting. It scares them. It harms them. It creates patterns in them, for either coping or regressing, or "pretending" it is not happening. But these are all "coping" mechanisms... for dealing with it in their little minds. Which their emotions/minds are still developing and very sensitive.

He will not go to counseling.
He can't handle it, or himself on his own.
So what WILL he do?

What is he so irked about?
Can't he even articulate WHAT is going wrong and bothering him?
He owes you that much.

Next, he is tormenting and harming YOU... by constantly criticizing you.
That makes him unbearable to be with.
Does he know that?
He ain't a bowl of cherries...and he ain't fun... and who would want to be near a cactus?
Ask him: would HE want to be with someone who CONSTANTLY criticized him and undermined him and never said anything nice to him?
I doubt it.

A young child... should NOT have to be the "referee" in their parent's fights.

He is having some problems and issues... which has to be corrected. If not, it will continue.
He has to take responsibility for HIS flaws... instead of just blaming you and criticizing you.
By criticizing you constantly... he is actually sabotaging his own marriage... and not owning up to his flaws.

Counseling is needed. But he won't.
Maybe just you can attend counseling.

so sorry, I know this is not easy. But he has a LOT of work to do on himself... he is harming everyone in the family and an innocent child.

All the best,
Susan

I would try couples counseling as an option, this way it's not "all him", and there are ways that counselors can help you work together to identify hot spots and how to better handle them.

Good luck.

sorry to hear about your relationship, but the question you should be asking yourself is how long you can live with someone who is so critical of your every move, eventually that will DRIVE you nuts. If he is not willing to see a therapist and you are well that shows you that he doesn't want to make this relationship better - even for the sake of your daughter- Fighting in front of a child is the worse thing you can do- dr. phil says it forever changes the blueprint of a child. Since he walked out maybe that is best- you should be thinking about what you want for you and your child but you must put the needs of your daughter before yours- what is ultimately better for her. Don't sit around and wonder what he is going to do. WHAT DO YOU WANT- think of that. I know that your feeling that you don't want your child to be without her father, from a broken home, etc... but children would rather be from a broken home then to live in one everyday. Good luck
and if you are a religious person - pray about it.

bren

There's something bigger going on that he's not talking about I would guess. When my husband gets upset, there's usually some underlying stress and it's not about us. We have been working hard on communicating and using I statements, actively listenting, etc. It takes a lot of effort to make marriage work, especially when there are kids involved. Maybe you need to write down what you want, what your beef is and ask him to do the same and then exchange these and talk about it.

You have to decide if this is the kind of relationship you want to see your daughter in when she is older. What she sees you accepting is what she will accept as normal. Get out now. It doesnt stop.

This sounds like his problem. You should go to therapy and ask him agin to please consider this for his daughter. It is hard to face the truth, but he needs to be strong and do the work on this relationship.

I am sure he only wants the best for all of you, so he needs to prove it.

I'm not in the same situation, and yet, sometimes I feel like I am.

I would take some time to really think about why you are in this relationship, what draws you two together, what pulls you apart, what does the relationship do for you or not do for you? What does it do or not do for him? How has a child changed your relationship?

No one should have to put up with perpetual put-downs. The question to ask yourself is what am I doing to contribute to the situation? What is he doing to contribute to it? What are each of you doing to make it better...or not?

I've been married for 17 years and have known him for 30 years. There are lots of good things in our marriage. But there are also those niggling things that drive us nuts and harden our hearts on occasion. I even admitted to him a few years ago that I contemplated divorce more times than I cared to admit. Fortunately, we have a strong friendship that gets us through the not-so-great times. And when push comes to shove, we know how to really talk and sort things out. At one point a few years ago, our son confided "Why are you guys even married? You don't even like each other?"

We do like each other, just not all the time. The question comes down to whether the good outweighs the bad. Only you can answer that question for yourself and only he can answer it for himself.

It might be good for your daughter's dad to have stepped out for a bit. It can be telling of how you work things out. For us, neither of us have walked out but we've had some very serious conversations about our futures.

We finally went to counseling. The first counselor was a total bust, but another one a year or two later really helped us. In fact, the two of us, along with our son, all met with this guy. We found that a lot of our strife was over differing ways of parenting and ways of communicating or sabotaging each other's ways of doing things. We've come a long way since then, and sometimes we backslide. But overall the counseling helped us a lot.

Oftentimes, fights turn out to be ways of deflecting deep fears on one side or the other or both. If you two can talk about that, it might get you to a better spot.

I was fearful of counseling because my parents had counseling and still ended up divorcing. I equated them. But my counselor said that it helps more couples than it hurts. And that certainly was true for us.

Trust your gut on what you need and want. Can this man be a part of that picture or not? It's worth it to explore. I can tell you that two years into parenthood can be hell. You both have all these dreams of what it was going to be like. When it doesn't always turn out that way, it can be very discouraging. But if you can see yourselves to the other side, and if both are willing to work on it, it can be a great growing point for you as a couple and a family.

Good luck!

I've lived 25 years like this. What I have in my favor is that I feel good about myself, no matter what he says. I know that I am a good mother, cook, and good person. No matter what he says to you, never let go of this for "yourself". The good in you will always be a part of you and no one can ever take that away with just words. Know too that everyone argues in their marriage and you will always have ups and downs. Sometimes argueing is actually a form of communication. The problem arises when one person puts the other person down. A simple rule of "no name calling" is a good idea. Directions are OK, but you are a slob and can't seem to do anything right is "not OK". It seems like a kid thing, but this may be the only way your husband knows how to convey his anger. Instead of using his hands to bang something...he uses his words to batter. It is "not" OK. In this busy world, you both can be overwhelmed with what needs to get done in only a little time. But...do not let him continue this behavior. Let him walk out the door. If he loves you, he "will" be back. Do not allow him to come back until you talk. Turn this around on him. Act like you don't really care, unless things change. Try to work things out between the two of you. Write things down that bother eachother. Remember the rule of respect and no name calling when writing. Importantly, don't go into this with the idea that everything on the list will be fixed by the other person. Only list the top few things. It's just meant to get things off your chest without arguing to release some of the pressure. Some of the things on the list will fix gradually with better communication. Set Rules in your home and post them if you have to. Remember too that this is your husband's way of getting his anger out by critisizing and calling names. He may very well be a good person with good intentions. Help him. If not, tell him that "YOU" need to go to talk to someone for help in how to deal with your disappointments. Tell him that you would like him to go with you, but if he will not...go yourself. If he does not want to lose you....he will go with you.

When someone is making your life more miserable rather than better, it might be a good time to part ways. Sorry there's a little O. involved.

change the locks and be done with it. There are wonderful men out there who will treat you and your daughter they way you should be. LIfe is too short to be wasting it with someone like him. Good luck!

Have you listented to what he is saying to you? Maybe what you are doing is not what he expects from his (should be) wife and mother of his daughter. Women do this to men to no end but when Men do it, somehow they are labled as jerks.

Maybe he needs to you see what he is talking about and, change! He walked out becuase you will not be the woman he needs you to be.

Read, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Men are so easy, and we women want to make them so confusing. They want, food, sex and appreciation for their effort to take care of us.

Do it for your daugther. You have to fix it. You can't change him, you need to change you and try to listen to the changes he NEEDS you to make. The women hold the power in the relationship. It wakes and sleeps with the woman. You have power, you need to learn how to work it. Read the book. I guarantee it will save your life, and your daughters.

This behavior is abusive, I agree. If he won't go to a therapist, it's because he either thinks he is perfect or because he doesn't want to be told he's not. Walking away from a situation isn't healthy - a little space is okay, but it sounds like he just walked out without you both agreeing that a separation would be a wise strategy. You definitely need to go to counseling, with or without him. It will help you sort your options, clarify your feelings, and build your strength. I absolutely do not understand the post about how you need to listen to his rants and change yourself! That is so submissive and implies that you are the primary problem. That doesn't mean that you can't, through professional guidance, BOTH find ways to compromise and understand each other better. But putting all of the work on you is ridiculous. That post is designed to make you feel as small as your man tries to make you feel. You are better than that, and both you and your daughter deserve better than that. Your daughter deserves to be in a healthy environment, whether that's with one or two parents. There is an expression that children would rather BE from a "broken home" than LIVE IN one. It's true. Good luck to you.

I have been there in your shoes before and I know how hard it is waiting for him to call or to come walking through the door. I know that a million thoughts are running through your head right now and the stress can feel like way to much to handle. All I can say is give it some time and if you need to say sorry then do it and if you don't want to say sorry then don't.

I don't know you but I am proud of you as a woman and great mommy that you stood up for yourself and that you told him that you will no longer let him treat you this way. You are strong and brave and you have your daughter and she has mommy and you will do a wonderful job with any situation.

Try to get some rest tonight and I hope that he calls you or comes home.

If you believe in the LORD then i think that you should PRAY.

Remember that everything we do takes hard work and being in a relationship is the HARDEST THING THAT I KNOW I HAVE EVER HAD TO DO IN MY LIFE.

I have been married for 14 years now and we have been together for a total of 17 years and it has been ALOT OF HARD WORK.

God Bless YOU ALL.

This sounds like my last relationship (and because of it I ended up having an abortion which was the hardest and worst thing I have done in my life. I am 22 now and pregnant. Luckily I found a good man.) My last relationship he did this too, he is the type of man that won't change and thinks he's above all help. Being put down and yelled at all the time for nothing hurts and impacts you hard mentally and physically. My ex put me down so much that I soon started telling myself I was nothing, no one would want me...Best thing for you to do in my pov is either tell him he needs to stop or get out of the house. your daughter does not need to be subjected to that, and he needs to learn when to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. He also needs to know that for every action there is a reaction, and right now he knows you won't leave. So my opinion would be to stand up put your foot down and tell him either shape up or ship out. Trust me there are plenty of great guys who would treat you much better. I know you might be older then me (most mom's on here are only because I am 22) but unfortunately I have been through a lot with men myself. And your "relationship guy" sounds just like my ex. I really hope things work out and I hope your daughter is ok, if you'd ever like to talk my email is ____@____.com and my name is A.. Good luck on everything. :)

Get on your knees and say AMEN!

Good riddance to the unwanted trash you so conveniently got rid of..and for free!

Now pick yourself up and start over. This is exactly what you and your daughter needed...a fresh start. No child should see anyone putting their mother (or father) "down" in front of them. Parents are sacred and should be treated as such. Your daughter needs positive role models throughout her life.

Let him go...and start over. If you 2 can't come to an agreement on custody, visitation, and child support together then use your court system. Go and file papers to take him to court...the early bird gets the worm...remember that.

Good luck and stay strong...your daughter needs to see that women don't deserve to be stepped on.

http://www.thewritersnotion.com

Kimmie G., you're crazy. Sorry, but if he has a real issue with his partner, there is no reason to get into it in front of the kids, EVER. Besides, he's criticizing EVERYTHING. That is an abusive trait. Nobody can do that many things wrong, get real. Men should not have to be babied. Everyone, men and women, need to treat their partners with respect, not derision.

KB, the fact that he refuses to go to therapy with you throws up a huge flag. It's clearly not his problem, in his opinion. Therefore, his behavior will not change. Going on this post, my gut reaction is to say you're well-shot of him. Years of being belittled would have an awful effect on your self-esteem to the point where you don't recognize yourself anymore, and it would be a horrible, horrible thing for your child to witness (she might grow up to think that kind of behavior/relationship is normal).

If he is not willing to go to therapy to sort things out, it's either because he is so narrow-minded that he really believes all the things he's saying, or he knows he's in the wrong and doesn't want to admit it. Either way, sounds like a bad deal. If he wanted to save the relationship, he'd be willing to go. But he doesn't -- unless it's completely on his terms, and relationships don't work that way.

Sorry for your troubles. Hope things work out for you.

Both people have to be willing to work on the relationship for it to succeed. If I was in this position, I would tell him how much you love him, ask him to work it out with you at counseling. Tell him YOU need counseling to figure out how to be a better partner, and that you'd like him to be there for support. That way he won't feel so cornered.... If he's really not willing to work it out with you, then staying with him will only cause more pain over the long run. However I think by trying one more time to get him to work it out, you will be released from any regret or negative feelings toward yourself you might experience later. It's definitely a hard situation, good luck to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your current situation. For me going to therapy was a "deal breaker". I asked my husband before we got married about it beacuse I knew that sometimes life deals you some difficult cards. MAybe he would do it for the sake of your daughter.

I am not an expert. However, I can tell you that it is not healthy for either of you to be around someone who is negative. Maybe you two can sit down calmly and come up with a signal word that you can tell him when he starts to put you down. He must agree to be able to stop in his tracks, appologize and have a plan for himself as to what he will do to re-direct his words and actions in a positive way. If he must get out of the house and walk....then that will be the plan.
The two of you should try and figure out what triggers the "put downs". Is it when is tired? Bored? Maybe the two of you are spending too much time together? Does he do things alone...like go for a walk, bike ride...etc?
This is what my husband and I do when we start to feel frustrated or in a bad mood.

First of all, remind yourself that you are awesome and a wonderful person who deserves respect. Everyone had bad spouse days but if you are being disrespected in front of your child after repeated attempts to have this not happen then something is wrong. He is not respecting his child enough to keep his delivery of his feelings appropriate. If you are feeling that this is too much than trust yourself! You are the only one who can answer whether or not you can tolerate this behavior. I think the refusal to seek outside help and his disregard for his daughter's emotional well being are the two major issues here.

Being married is HARD, being a parent is HARDER if you are not on the same page it may be impossible. Remember that you are wonderful and take a deep breath and see what you really want.

Best of luck to you, my thoughts go with you during this difficult time. Nat

If there is any tiny bit of your heart that thinks it is a good thing to take a break, then it is important you express that to him. Always be respectful and calm, even if he isn't. It is a great feeling to be in control and think clearly instead of running off momentary emotions and saying hurtful things.

Some ideas for you to consider:

early in our marriage we had problems so I got his parents involved, so is there someone you both can trust & respect their opinion. Eventually we went to counseling & our relationship has blossomed tremendously.

sit down with him & ask him to write down his own ideas on how to work things out

go to a book store & find some marital workbooks & do them together

you get counseling by yourself

These are just some things I could think of, but he has to want to have a better relationship & if he doesn't want to try anything then that's your sign to let him go. Otherwise your daughter will pick the same kind of man that is verbally abusive & degrading.......best wishes for you & your family

take more than six hours. if you really feel that you are at an impasse and cannot tolerate his behavior further - for both the psychological damage it is doing to you and your daughter - keep him away from you for now. this should be your opportunity to stop and breathe. maybe it really is counseling tha tyou would like to try before you give up; and if he comes back perhaps that is the condition - you cannot stay unless you agree to try to change something and we are starting with this because its important to me.

i recently went through the same thing, letting him back in over and over again until one day he left for an extended "business trip" and then never came back. of course the once every few weeks he does call its to tell me how its my fault that hes not back yet - or what else he feels i've done wrong - however; the longer hes been gone the better i feel about it all - about me - about my family - to the point that now i'm ready to move on with my life because i realize its whats best for me and my kids.

if i had to take a guess, i'd say he'll be back. with bells on. but keep your eyes open because men that follow this pattern really ever make a continuous positive change for the health of you and your relationship without professional help - no matter how many times they agree otherwise.

most of all i wish you the best of luck - stand up for yourself; and make the best change for you and your daughter. its obvious you already know you dont want her to grow up and repeat this type of relationship.

Dawn G., your response is powerful. In 4 little sentences you said so much.