Relationship Patience Running Thin

To salvage your relationship it sounds like its time for mom and sis to move back out. It's hard having that many women under one roof and would cause extra stress in most instances. Too many witches spoil the brew, ya know?
Then, I'd make sure your g/f is being seen and treated by a physician, get her pulled out of that depression she's in and all will be happy in your world once more. Leaving someone when they are ill will may weigh on you later and can eat you up with guilt. If you don't use all resources available before bailing on your long going relationship you have just wasted 8 years.
She's asking for your help.

so you're going to walk out on her after 8 years because she opened your house to YOUR mom and sister?

if she has depression issues, you need to find help for her instead of walking out on her...you may have to get tough with her

Yes, there is hope. Get some counseling together. You need a referee so that you can express your feelings without fear of repercussions. This will help you know whether it is in your best interest to continue. She will know you are serious and may find the strength to work with you instead of lash out in response to her pain.

Also I had bad back pain that I have pretty much cured. I don't know what is going on with your girlfriend, but if you would like to send me a private message with details I may be able to make suggestions on what helped me, including exercises and supplementation.

There are a lot of moving parts here - dysfunciton - extended family living in a home where the partners aren't married - so there's a huge lack of permanence - kids are involved - YIKES!!!

Professional help is definitely needed. If there are mental health problems with one person it affects everyone in the home - and it seems that there are a lot of you in this home and it seems that there is a lot of interdependce. Get psych care right away - depression can be treated with the propoer medication and talk therapy - and the extened family needs to find a way to get their act together and move on. I'm not being judgemental - but it's never good to bring kids into the mix unless there's a permanent relationship - since the kids are the ones who'll suffer the most with the dysfunction as they grow up.

If your partner can be treated for depression and is willing to go for counseling and take medication then you nee to try to stay with this relationship since you've created children together. If she won't get help then you have the responsibility to care for those kids since she won't be able to. Don't just "move on" - work at this to see if she is willing to work at getting better. As for the back pain - they can do marvelous things with back nows - not only surgery but laser treatement where they can reduce the impact of herniated discs, etc. Get her to a good spinal guy who can evaluate and get her the right care. If you created children together then you have a responsibility to work at this thing. Ultimately - if she's not willing to seek mental health & physical care then you take the kids and take care of them. They need stability.

Get mental health care now. There is not time to wait.

Have you tried seeing a counselor together? That can often help when one person in the relationship doesn't see what they're doing wrong. I couldn't stand living like that either, and it's unfair to you and in the end to your children. Does she take medication for her depression? Perhaps she needs to change to something different if she does. I know chronic pain is a major issue here, but she does have to live her life. How does she manage the back pain? Is it anything she could have corrective surgery for? Has she tried all of the alternatives out there?

If you've already sought counseling and she's still not on board with trying to be a better partner, then maybe you do need to part ways. I'm sure you know other couples where this has happened, and you can seek mediation to decide about custody, visitation, support, etc. I hope maybe you can work it out, but you don't deserve to live with misery on a daily basis and your children deserve a happier home.

it is very very difficult to live with someone who is suffering from depression, on top of her physical issues. i totally understand how hard this is for you.
what does she want? has she mentioned separating?
i agree with grandma t, it may be best to find somewhere else for your mom and sister to be. it's great to help and hopefully you've done that, but the additional pressure is surely not helping.
i think it's time to try counseling. it may be kaput, but you need to be really really sure before you give up on a long-term relationship with children involved. it sounds as if she needs medication and counseling on her own, and you should both do couples counseling as well.
good for you for working and going to school and being there for your family. you've got a lot on your plate.
good luck!
khairete
S.

You need professional help with this issue. Relationships are always difficult but adding your mom and sister to the mix did not help at all. Your partner needs help with her depression and back pain as chronic pain will certainly depress anyone. You need help with understanding all of her issues, your issues and issues with relatives living with you. Don't wait until you can no longer fix this problem. God bless.

You can't just move on. You have two children together. You're going to leave your two kids with a "mentally unstable" mother and visit them on the weekends? That doesn't sound like the best thing for them.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you chose to have 2 children outside of wedlock, now you need to deal with the consequences. Its no longer about you. Try to go to couples counseling, work on your relationship for sure, but at the end of the day if nothing changes then you tough it out and be a full time father to your children. The last thing they need is a part time daddy and mommy's new boyfriend fighting. Or a nasty court battle in which daddy tries to prove mommy incompetent so he can get custody.

So she's somewhat disabled from her back pain, and she is home with no life except for your mom and sister, and 2 kids she can't keep up with. Of course she's depressed. She may also have a chemical imbalance contributing to the depression, and may have mood swings due to that or due to peri-menopause (I don't know how old she is but menopause starts early in some women).

Sounds like counseling, a health work-up, and some cleaning out of the extra relatives is in order. Even if your relationship doesn't make it, counseling will help you clarify and figure out a decent way to break up.

What is causing her back problem? There is a great nutritional supplement that helps a lot of people with joint/spine issues and also mood swings. Patented, safe. Happy to help more.

First, I just want to respond to some of the 'covert' comments made about 'choosing' to have children out of wedlock. It is truly a shame to me that someone would post a legitimate issue about what to do in an intimate relationship in distress, with the same intentions all of us have when we post a question....the intention of soliciting meaningful and supportive advice or insights....and that people would choose to insert some sort of weird judgment about something that has nothing to do with the question posed. Marriage is not the issue here, a relationship in distress is and I'm so happy many of the posts responded with kind hearts.

That being said (and sorry to hijack the post momentarily Leonor!)...to focus on your partner for a moment, is she on any pain medication for her back injury? If so, how long? Two things: Pain in and of itself can be very depressing if it's chronic, and pain medication can actually contribute to and intensify depressive symptoms.

Is your partner aware of her depressive symptoms? Sometimes gaining awareness is a pretty valuable tool in resiliency. Couples counseling might provide her an opportunity to share her stresses and depression with you in an environment that is relatively safe to speak in and an environmentally safe for you to express things that are also safe. And by safe, I mean any triggers that occur are somewhat contained and worked through in ways that don't afford either of you the opportunity to fall into less than constructive reflexive responses.

Depression is a very tough thing to experience and if you add pain on top of that....I feel for your partner.

Now about you...it is REALLY tough being around depressive energy all the time, especially with a life partner. The tough part is walking on egg shells...is today a good day? Is this hour going to be rough? What does her expression mean? Will there be a quiet and negative energy and for how long? And these are just a few questions you might hear yourself ask everyday. I feel for you.

Counseling might help, but what also helps is to NOT GET LOST in someone else's suffering. You can love them and care and want better for their life experience, but you cannot control another persons mental well-being. What you can do is control your response to it and to what extent it influences your other relationships, including the one with yourself and your kids.

Only you know if it's time to throw in the towel. And no one here can advise you on that. When you are done, you are done and you know. If you don't know, then you aren't done. Just make sure if you stay or leave, it's for the right reasons and not out of guilt or obligation because your kids will pick up on that.

I say, prioritize repairing what you can in this relationship, regardless of if you stay or leave, because your kids have two parents and always will. How you treat one another will influence how they treat others and how they treat themselves.

SO my two cents...okay, more like 47 cents:)...try to resist the urge to get caught up in specifics and focus on the big picture...well, 5 big pictures. One for you, one for your partner, one for each chiild, and one for the collective family unit that will always be regardless of staying together or breaking up. Once you do this, who invited the mother and sister is irrelevant because it's a problem impacting one or more of the big pictures. I hope that makes sense!

I wish you well on your journey...I wish your partner well on her journey...and I wish your family well on the collective journey. I didn't read anything that indicated anyone is the bad person to blame for everything and think you actually respect your partner. Something that a marriage certificate cannot possibly dictate.

Best wishes and focus your love on your kids when things get tough, because sometimes kids have a way of pointing our the obvious even when it isn't so obvious to us:)

Hi Leonor, It occurs to me that you and your partner have common communication problems. You are not working as a team. You WANT the SAME outcome to any given situation, but seem to need to 'contol' how to go about it.

Is therapy out of the question? To work it takes TWO commited partners. If she won't go, perhaps you can go for yourself, may help you understand her behavior a little better.

A long term relationship deserves a little respect and a LOT of ego checking. Since you are a family, you're also considering how a break up would effect the kids.

I think you are both so stressed neither one of you feels like being an exceptional partner at this time. But it's not a competition, you're BOTH on the same side!

Wish you the best. Hope you'll find a way to make it work. Hope you'll try to find the thing that attracted you to her in the first place!!

Positive thoughts!

:)

She needs help, get her a therapist, maybe some natural mood elevators, if medication is not your thing