Relationship Problems - Akron,NY

J., sorry to hear this - I am now 43 - married 18 years - and my husband has left me yet again the 2nd time - this time he has been gone for 2 years - but has not divorced me - yes there were other affairs - but this may not be what is happening w/you.
I too - when we first married and had our daughter - he worked all the time - and our relationship grew apart. I thought - ok i take care of the kids - and when they get older - then it will be our time - well my daughter is 16 and my son is 10 - he has spent his days off w/others and not us.
My feeling is that you do need to get help w/this - or you won't have any kind of relationship. Mine went on for 16 years - and look where I'm at now - in my prime - yet still lonely. All the pictures i have taken are w/family - but he was never w/us. Even w/his older daughter who is now 25.
Its a selfish thing - your husband is being selfish - and if he does not catch this now - it will get worse - that is my opinion - I always heard i was no fun anymore - but it was b/c i now had to be responsible for a child - i'm not going to go out and party - most mom's do this - they take on the parent role while the husband still goes out and does his thing. Again, you need to get some counseling. I don't know if you are religious or not - but I am now a Christian - was raised Catholic - but really didn't learn too much except ceremonial things. But GODs word tells us that a husband should treat his wife like God treats His church. And the wife should love her husband and submit to him. But God doesn't mean for us to be walked on - HE created a woman for Adam to be his helper - and for him to lover her for God chose woman which was the best fit for man. I pray for you and your family - don't let years go by w/out addressing this. You can still have a beautiful relationship - but it is a different one w/children.
God Bless

J.
I'm sorry to hear of your problem. My husband and I went through this with our 1st and 2nd baby. Not to scare you, but I divorced him after separating and getting back together 3 times, I knew it was for the best... unfortuanelty he has never changed.. now that we're divroced, he would still rather go out and drink or whatever he does with his friends than come and visit his girls (one is 15 months and one is 3 yrs old). Your husband still has time to change! So I hope that my experience doesn't make you think there is no hope. I'm telling you my experience because a couple of my friends had the same problem after their first kids and they're still married!! hang in there and tell him what YOU want of him and hopefully he will realize that it is more important to bond and make a relationship with his new daughter and to build on your relationship as new parents!! Good Luck

Hi J.,
I've read some of your responses, some offer good advise, others, humm.. I, myself have been in some pretty messed up relationships and your husband is young, like you are, but women are different than men are, he does sound very selfish, only wanting to focus on himself, he has had alot of years to do just that, being married and having children is not just about "yourself" anymore. He says you guys don't need counselling, sounds to me that would help alot, he needs to understand where his priorities are, and to know what is important in his life, it is not his friends, drinking partying or anything else along those lines. I would really try to have a conversation with him about these issues, maybe ask him to write out a list of priorities, so he can see for himself where he is going wrong before you resort to drastic measures. Maybe you guys can write things nice about eachother every day so you don't forget why you got married in the first place, make a day once a week just to spend with eachother ( just the two of you), to go to dinner or watch a movie, play a game so on...Let him know all the little things that your baby is doing even if it's a fart, let him know what he's missing, babies are funny, innocent in all they do, and they grow FAST, he doesn't want to have regrets about missing out on anything, him being at work is enough, he don't need to be frivilous with his spare time (important time). If he feels that he can't give up his friends now he needs to pick one day a month where he can go out with them, but needs to realize that he has a wife and child that love and need him at home so be reasonable and responsible about the time he comes home, and let you know exactly where he is, because it is your business. There is room for compromise, and growth. Don't give up.

Hi J.... that stinks that you're in that situation: I was in that situation once too, many years ago. I had Crissy (my first of 4 so far) when i was 18 and her father was 22, and I just adored Michael, her father. But he would go out with friends, come home late or the next morning, it was no way for either of us to live. He refused to go to counseling with me. Sometimes there are people we love that we just cannot live with, and I was in that situation, so we left. We ended up breaking up. It was terribly sad but the only option given that he would not compromise at all. Noone wants to break up a family, esp when you still love each other. But in my case, Crissy was my world, just like with you, so I just had to do it. Now that I'm 38 I know that every "this is my soul mate" has not been LOL.... breaking up with someone you love is a horrible feeling... but it's also surely a feeling that does pass in time. Being a single mom, if he gives you no other option by not going to counseling with you, isn't half as bad as you may think. There are plenty of fine men out there who would love and adore you and your child and treat you the way you deserve, so don't feel you can't get on without him if you had to!

You sure don't want your daughter to mimic his behavior when she gets older and has her own family. Your husband/wife/children are priority, everything else is a bonus. If he is going to choose his friends and party central OVER YOU BOTH, then he's got to be told in no uncertain terms that it is not going to work out with you. Friends are a great addition to a great family life, but if they're replacing time with your family all the time, it's too unhealthy and you and that baby deserve better. Good luck!

J., I am also 26, married, and have a new baby. My husband is very much the same as yours. I can count on one hand how many tiems he has changed her diaper. He never once got up for an overnight feeding, he has never once gone an a medical appointment. My friends and family tell me that I am crazy to stay with him. I have a disabled child, and need his support more than ever, yet he can't be bothered to come home from his friends house until 5:30 in the morning, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. When he is home, he is either sleeping, talking on the phone, or online. Fortunately, I am able to have my brother live with us, and take care of the baby while I work. My husband spends about an hour a day with her when he wakes up in the middle of the afternoon, before he goes to work. I can't tell you what to do. I know that it breaks my heart to deal with being a single mom while I am married to, and still living with my husband. I would love nothing more than for him to want to be home spending time with the family. but he doesn't. So I have to pick my battles. I have come to the reality that I will enver be able to change him. So I need to either put up or shut up. And I have chose to just deal with it. I love my husband too much to just walk away. I know he loves us, and he takes care of us. The burden at times is unbearable, but I reach out to my group of supports, and I always seem to manage. I know thats not really the best advice there is, but its what I do. If you ever need to talk, please dont hesitate to send me a message, and you can even leave your phone number. I would call you. It would be nice to have someone who knows what I am going through. My email is ____@____.com

Hi J., I am alot older than you, but when we were first married, I went thru the same thing. My husband went out alot and drank alot and hardly spent time at home. May I ask how your relationship was before the baby? It could be that he's scared and doesn't know how to be a father, or he's jealous of the time you devote to the baby, because that does happen. But regardless of what it is, you need to let him know (not in an agurmentive way) that you need him at home more often. Tell him that its ok that he spend time with his friends, but not as much as he does and he can pick certain nights that he can do this. You are the mom of a young baby and you will be going thru alot yourself and you need his help and together you both can learn because it is not fair to you because eventually you will get burnt out. Let him know that you need him and so does your baby.
Good luck
C.

He does not think we need counseling, but I sure do. These are serious problems. I have a 21 year old son and he is far from ready to take on the responsibility of marriage or of having a child. On the other hand I was 21 when we married, my husband was 23 and he was quite mature and responsible at that age. Some men mature faster than others, but it does not sound like your husband has. Have you told him that it is not that you want him to give up his friends, but you and your daughter need some equal time which requires a show of maturiy and responsibility? It sounds to me like he is afraid of the responsibility of fatherhood. What was his own childhood like? Did he have a father figure in his life? All these things need to be sorted out and discussed with a partial observier like a trained counselor. . The anger part disturbs me greatly. Is there any chance he may have gotten involved in drugs as well as alcohol? I think he needs to know that his behavior is not an exemplary way to bring up a child. And if you and he cannot resolve this situation, and I hate to say it at this point, but it might be better for you and your child to get out of that situation. However, if the love is still there (even if temporarily buried) it is best the two of you get help and try to resolve this before it is too late. I wish you the very best!

Hi J..

Don't despair. Babies, most of the times, bring some kind of tension in a family. Especially in a young family like yours.
You already know how much work is needed to take care of your little angel and like you said, the baby has changed your life.
My speculation here is that your husband is struggling with the fact that he can't be the carefree, childfree person he used to be anymore. And it hits him hard because he is only 23. Generally 23 y.o are in college or just graduated from one and are having a ball. But here he is, married with a daughter. He's afraid of what it takes to be a parent: being there for the baby, dedicate his life and time to it.
All you need to assure him is that having a baby doesn't mean his life is over. It doesn't mean he can't hang with his childless, single buddies ( if his friends fall under this category), it only means he can do all that in a different way. Like hang out just a few hours a week, maybe he should dedicate one of his off days to his buddies and the other one to his family. If need be, maybe have a few of his friends over at your place for a few hours and that way you too get to socialise a bit, (get to know his friends too-very important) instead of him going out till dawn.
He works hard, a lot. I understand he needs a break. He can take that break with you at home. The problem will be you letting him have that break. Share chores coz I believe at that time you'll be needing that break too. Or if you can have someone( your prents or his. A relative...) to look after you baby while you two take it easy, it might also help.
It all takes a lot of talking. Communication is key at this time. Don't whine, don't acuse, just talk. Let him know how much it would mean to you to have him around when he is off. Since you said you love each other,if he still loves you, he'll listen.
Ask him if, in anyway he feels suffocated. If he feels it is too much responsibility and work for him to be a dad. Then find a way to make him feel a dad without the price tag it comes with it. Ease him slowly to the responsibility. Women are different from men when it comes to being parents.
Good luck.

As a 40 year old single mom and former family violence counselor, I would advise you to focus on your daughter and yourself. You can't change another person, and continuing to "let him know he's needed at home" might in fact make him feel more pressure. It sounds to me as if the reality of fatherhood has made him wonder what he "gave up" and so decided to recapture his single life. The best thing in this is that you said you had a job that can support you. If that is still the case, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. If you think you would benefit from counseling, by all means GO. Do not spend your time and energy thinking and wishing about a change in his actions. If he sees what he is missing, he might change on his own. If you are safe in your situation (he's not verbally, psychologically or physically abusive) then you might want to see yourself (for now) as a single mom who has an occasional partner. It is sad and frustrating when people we love change, but I'll bet he feels you are not the woman he married. (Good news- you're not, but in a good "I'm a mother now" way!) Keep the focus on taking care of yourself and your beautiful daughter.

Hi J.,
I can truly understand what you are going through with you husband. It must be very hard for you to feel so alone, especially being a new mom.
Has your husband always gone out after he turned 21 or was it more so after you were pregnant? Sometimes when a guy is going to be a daddy, they panick. They do not know how to handle the upcoming responsibilies of being a daddy or a husband at the same time.
If this is something that he has been doing since before you were pregnant, I think it is time for you to make him sit down, and talk to you. If gets angry, you need to be strong with him, and make him listen. When I faced that problem, I told my husband, lilsten, you either spend time with your family, or you can go. It killed me to even say it because I love my husband with all my heart as well. If you are spending all your time alone with only your daughter, that is not healthy for you as well, you will only find yourself dwelling on your issue with your hubby. Make yourself busy, do things, even if your husband is not doing it with you. Hopefully he will wake up and realize that his family should be more important than spending all his free time with friends. Maybe you could try to suggest to him, instead of going out every night with your friends, how about 1 or 2 nights a week. ( I know even that sounds like alot, but ou have to work it slow, you dont want him to feel pressured about spending time with his family, or he may resent you for it.)I hope that things get better for you, I can truly feel your heartache right now. If you ever need anyone to talk to please email me! Talk to you soon!
J.

I hate to say this but he is afraid of growing up so quickly. It is a maturity issue more so than anything else. He is invasive, avoiding the grown up issues. Here are a few suggestions:
Men hate this - do not include him in any decisions. Start doing things for yourself and your child because your baby needs to see and focus on a loving parent. You should give him time to see your baby will not be a baby for long if he sits back and watch at the sidelines. Men take more time tounderstand about children than us women. Then you will have to focus on yourself. Watch your husband carefully and see watch him ask questions like what are you doing? Your answer should be something like "Well, things are going on with your daughter and I have to deal with it." Or something like that and remind him he is not there so he can't ask or inquire about how are things. You don't have to be mean but it is time to step up because you did not have this baby on your own. Other Suggestions are-when your daughter laughs or smiles and you think it is the cutiest thing-do not share those moments with him make sure he is in the same room when you are telling the story with a neighbor, your mother, or a friend on the phone. Then if he asks about it just say "It is better to see it yourself." Like try to go in detail then just say or never mind you had to been there. He will get the picture.

Good morning J.! I have read your issue and the responses to it -- I have to agree with what has been said. I was in your shoes approximately 15 years ago -- you won't be able to change if he doesn't want to -- you need to concentrate on you and your baby -- put some money away (just in case) If you need it then it will be there - if you don't - then you have some extra college money or vacation money. But, take care of yourself first!! It is not an easy road, but he may just need a little time to adjust to "growing up"
Good Luck and hope all goes well -- will be thinking of you often!!

Hi J.,
I am a 41 year old single mom (Divorced) and have struggled much with being alone. May I suggest you read ""Women Who Love Too Much"" by Robin Norwood. It is an excellent book and helped me to see how I can change myself to get what I want, but not others. We all know you can't change a man, but you can change yourself and once change starts, he will react to that. I wish you the best of luck. The above book, has saved my sanity.
A.

Hi J.. This sounds so familiar it could be my story. I was married at 23, my husband was 25. He, too, enjoyed being with friends and partying but in the early years I was included and we had a lot of fun hanging out with friends and going out. He often didn't come home from work, he'd be several hours late, and he never phoned me to tell me where he was or when he'd be home. This behavior continued until I got pregnant with my first child and then it just got worse. During both my pregnancies he would be gone a lot and I wouldn't know where he was or how to get ahold of him (this was 20 years ago...long before cell phones). He loved to go out drinking and hanging with his friends more than he liked being home with me and his children. Sound familiar? I began to suspect a real drinking problem and sure enough started finding bottles of liquor hidden around the house. He refused help or marriage counseling. Our marriage continued to deteriorate as he continued partying. It led to affairs, etc. This went on for almost 10 years. Eventually we did go to marriage counseling because I told him it was that or divorce. For us, counseling didn't work maybe too little too late plus he just didn't care about anything.

I can empathize with your situation for sure. I tried moving out for a couple weeks and other scare tactics to make him realize what was at stake but nothing changed. In the end, my husband just chose the single life vs married with children. My suggestion is that you continue communicating with your husband and try and draw out the real reasons he is partying so much. He may be feeling tied down, overwhelmed with responsibility, and maybe unhappy with how his life is. Counseling is a must tho I hear you when you say he doesn't think you need it. Maybe a friend, relative, or someone else he really trusts could take some time to talk to him. Everyone should be encouraging marriage counseling. Investigate the possibility of a drinking problem...that can make people act very differently. From my perspective, do it now. Don't wait hoping he will change. He is enjoying the single life, while ignoring is resposibilities to his wife and child. Get to a counselor soon, even if you have to go by yourself. Your marriage depends on it.

ok the going out thing sounds like me but my hubby always let me if he did not want me to go out i didn't. another thing my hubby and i are falling a part so i know how it feels it tock me telling my hubby if we did not go to counsling we were going to lose each other and if i meant that much to him he would go well he finally admitted to go and of course things got good with out going but we really should of gone i wish you nothen but the best. with fixing this problem does he kow how you feel?

I feel your pain. My husband and I were married young and we lived in an apartment below two of his best friends who were batchellors. I hated it. Every night when I would waitress, they would all party and these two guys would be sleeping with a different girl every night. My husband is trustworthy and I know he never cheated, but I would come home and he wouldn't come to bed with me for a couple of hours. He stayed upstairs playing cards or watching movies or drinking and he never understood how much it hurt me. When we had our son, it was even worse. The partying continued even though my son was trying to sleep. My husband always stuck up for his buddies when I complained about their lifestyle and the noise. This year and a half was a nightmare for me. I don't have an answer for you, because eventually, we moved into a house in Chili, half an hour away from where we lived before and since then, he has only seen these friends several times. (it's been over a year). My husband has grown up a lot, but now he's 25 and our son is his little buddy. I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you. I just cried a lot. But boys do grow up. I think that once your daughter is more interactive with your husband, he will connect with the both of you better. My husband is here for us now all of the time and our son is 22 months. What our husbands did or are doing is not acceptable, but in my case, I just had to be patient and pray. Mine finally grew up.

I think that you should put your foot down. You are supposed to be a family and that is ridiculous that he never spends time at home. If he didn't want to give up partying and hanging out with friends then he shouldn't have gotten married and had a child. Becoming a father means that you have new responsibilities taht don't involve getting drunk with friends. There is now a time and place for that. I'm 23 myself and I go out at least 2 or 3 times a month, but no more than that. I would leave for a couple of days if I were you and see if that wakes him up. Good Luck!

Dear J.,
Your situation is very sad. It sounds like your husband is not going to change because he doesn't want to. Do you know if this is how his father was. Did his father go out while his mother stayed home with the kids? Sometimes men repeat exactly what they see. A happy home for your daughter doesn't have to be with both parents. Wouldn't you rather have your daughter grow up with a happy mom than an unhappy mom. He is the one missing out not you. Men mature slower than women. If he doesn't want counseling maybe you should try seperating and see how that goes. I hope you have a support system like family or really great friends near you to help you. It is important for your baby to sense that she is loved. That is what is important. Just always remember that it is not her fault. Good luck and I hope things work out for you.

First of all I want you to know that you are not alone. I was married when I was 23 also. We had a son by the time I was 26. My husband at the time was doing about the same things. He would take me out though. Although I was with him he was always dancing with all the other women in the place but me. I too got tired of being treated like that and no matter what I said he would just ignore me. I finally suggested couciling and even though we went he let it go in one ear and out the other. I am not saying to ignore the fact that you both need to go see a councilor, but even if you go yourself to get advice it will be worth it. Try however to get him to go he may react differently than my ex did. But if I may suggest, try going to see a non-denomational pastor. They are trained in these kind of things. If you live anywhere near Love Joy Gospel Church the Pastors there are teriffic. They can help you find your way to send you on the right path. I was already in trouble by the time I met them. I never got my marriage back, because he has to be willing to change. But they helped me get through some very tough times. I am not saying that you are headed for divorce, just that he has to be willing to listen to what any councilor has to say. It has to be his decision to go and you can't try and force him or he will protest even more. I know, I went through it. I now have been on my own for 16 years and raised my 2 sons by myself. Even being married I basicly had to raise them myself. They are now 28 & 19 and are wonderful kids. I am 54 and looking forward to what God has instore for me. If you want to talk to someone at Love Joy there number is ###-###-####. They are located at 5423 Genesee St. in Lancaster just past Harris Hill Rd. I know that you may not want to do that, but I would give it a try. Get some help from some good people who really care about the other guy. They may not know the exact answer right then and there, but they will know where to lead you to find it. I trust them and know they will try everything they know how to help you. Think about it it will be worth the trip. I hope this has helped even if you only know that someone else went through the same thing. I just hope that you don't have to go through a divorce like I did. Seek help now while you are still young. Maybe if you can get the help you need now you won't have to go through the same stuff I did.

First of all, marriage is hard. Secondly, you guys are pretty young. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We met when I was 22 and he was 21. We went through a similar situation. Your early twenties are suppose to be when you are out having fun. Your husband may be having a hard time transitioning into this new family life. For me, and it sounds like you too, having a child made me instantly reprioritize my life to be the best mom I could be and to set a good example for my children. Marriage is not always fun. Couples who have been married for a long time usually say that there were up and down times AND they had to believe that their wasn't another option (divorce). Just hang on and try not to guilt your husband into wanting to be with you guys. Try to compromise and ask for one night a week with you and the baby and one night going out. Let him know how important he is to you and how much you want him to spend time with the baby. As she grows and he realizes she needs him, hopefully he will step up to the plate. Good Luck!