Relationship Question... Is This Just Me?!

I'd be fuming pissed off , too. Sounds to me like you are the only one who wants date night. I'll have to come back after some logic kicks in...just wanted to say you SHOULD be mad. He's being selfish and inconsiderate...at least.

I just read some of the other responses and then I read your previous requests. Ok, let me get this straight, you were going to get married but then you decided you would rather have a baby then get married. Very backward from my point of view, but if it works for you... Now you've had your baby and still no marraige plans. This confirms my answer below... this man DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY YOU!!!!!!

I would be furious. But there's a lot more to this. Ok maybe I'm off base, but this is what I make of it.

You say he's claimed your daughters as his. What does that mean? Does this mean he's adopted them? Is the biological father out of the picture, in that your boyfriend is the only father figure they have? If there any "legal" acceptance?

You state you have a strong relationship. If you did then he would want to be spending time with you, or he would want you by his side on couples night, not home babysitting.

If your relationship is strong, if he accepts YOUR daughters as his, and you have a child together, why aren't you married? Did you plan on having a child together, or was it an oops? It seems to me that he does not want to be in a relationship with you. He wants the single life.

It's time to sit down and have a long talk.

Good luck.

I will admit I was in a relationship with my kids father for 10 years and he did what he wanted. I worked, went to school and came home to my kids. That was my life. I am 25 and will be 26 in May. On my 25th birthday I asked if he planned on marrying me and he said yes just not right now. Well I waited a month and asked again and he said no. So you know what I dropped him and went on with my life. No more staying home being the single mom, claiming a man that is not really claiming me. I want you to realize there is more to life. I didnt do this for me I did it for my daughter. I didnt want her to think it was okay to have kids if you were not married. Have a man come and go when he feels like it thats not fair. I lost so many friends and so much time not because of him but because I was to stupid to accept what was in front of my face. We have to be more responsible. And stop being a babysitter if I cant go out I be dang if everyone else will. I would show up at that couples night with the kids and leave them right with the BF and go out with my friends. Let him feel the embarrassment and shock you felt when your Boss filled you in on his plans.

"Just because it's not your way, doesn't make it the wrong way" Is a quote you've thrown out there a lot in many of the posts I've seen you both write and respond to.
I wonder if you're still thinking it's the 'right way.'
There is a reason why (most) men get married. It's because they are ready to be with a woman and dedicate their life to her. I know you want to marry this man - I remember the post. I also remember the post shortly thereafter asking about help to conceive, and I couldn't believe it. I know your two daughters are not biologically his, but your son is, and you chose the stress that another baby would bring into your life. You chose it with a man who was not fully committed to you, and you knew that.
So, now you're angry that he's not fully committed to you. Hmm. It's a crappy situation, and I feel for you, but YOU CHOSE THIS.
I don't care how much older than you he is, he's still a boy. A selfish boy who still wants his 'me' time in complete disregard of you, obviously. It's what he also is choosing to do, and you've been enabling it by your disregard of convention. Sometimes, convention exists for a reason.

I completely agree.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 10 years. He's the father to both my girls and we never have any "US" time. He too complains about how he doesn't have any time to rest, but he doesn't really consider that while he's got a laid back job that he has to spend 8 hours a day at, I'm at home 24 hours a day with our two toddlers. Once in a while, we all go over to his friends house and while he's outside and having a great time with the guys, I'm the one stuck in the house with my girls and the rest of his friends kids. Most of the time when I ask him if we can do something alone, together, he usually just says hes tired or he gives me an answer that clearly shows he's uninterested. Usually when he doesn't want to go and spend time alone with me, I make it a point to make some girl time for myself which means leaving him with the kids. I understand he's got a busy day/ schedule, but if he can't make time for you, you've got to make some time for yourself.

Good luck with everything!

When I had my daughter, I had similar issues with my husband. I really felt like he didn't want to be seen with me, or in some way our roles had changed. We ended up having a screaming match over it (I wouldn't recommend that as a solution) and after that he at least attempted to be a little more sensitive. As the baby got older, in my case, this situation became less and less prevalent.

My advise would be to pick a time when you are not likely to be interupted, and came at least attempt to calmly explain your feelings. Avoid assigning blame to him for your feelings, of course. Good luck, and you are okay for feeling this way. It is not your imagination, and you are justified to be both hurt and angry.

I can understand both you and your boyfriend needing me time. Just as you give him the ablity to have some "me" time, he should also give you a chance to have some "me" time. Also, if you are in need of "us" time he should make time for that as well. I understand it can be hard to find time for everyone, but I don't feel it's right for a group of couples to go out with your boyfriend & expect you to take care of everyone elses kids for the evening... and I'm glad the other ladies stood up for you and stayed home. But that doesn't change that you weren't invited.

Soon or a later you are going to have to decide if this is a life you want to continue living & want your kids to think it is ok, which means that they may carry on the behavior in their relationships down the road. If it is not, then you will have to make a choose to stay & try to find a solution (but he will have to be willing to try also) or take the kids and move on with your life.

Personnaly I have accepted a lot in my relationship with my hubby... but I don't accept feeling as if I mean nothing to him. Believe me there have been many fights (going both ways) when one of us feel less the desired or wanted, even after 15 yrs married & 17 years together and I'm sure there will be more fights about it in the future. We all (including myself) are guity of taking advantage of the people we love (which includes our partner) and not seeing what we are doing until it is pointed out to us.

My hubby & I haven't been out alone since Oct 2008 for our 14 yr anniversery. We have 3 kids living at home (2 1/2, 4 1/2 and 5 well 6 in a few weeks) and one due in July, so out house is very hectice, but eventhough we don't go out we do make time to cuddle almost every night watch a tv show or two - even if it's just for a hour. Actually the closest thing we had to a date lately was taking the kids to McD's w/ a play ground & letting me eat & play... the kids would run over sit down for a few bits, finish what was in their mouth & run off to play again - we stayed for over a hour to make sure they finished their whole meal, but also because we were enjoying our "date" - lol. Sometimes with kids you have to take what you can get, but at the sametime you have to have someone that is willing to give a little.

I wish you luck in finding/fighting what you are looking for in the relationship. Take care!

Oh, I would be furious. That is soooo wrong. You are not his personal nanny, you are his woman! Does he not like being home because he feels stressed by the kids--some guys can't handle it. You mentioned that he doesn't seem to have a good time unless you are left home? Why? I would sit him down and have a long heart to heart talk with him and let him know how this is hurting you. You owe it to yourself and your family. Maybe he just isn't aware that it bothers you. Some guys can be braindead. And, I would ask him how would he feel if the tables were turned and he was left home alone?

I am super pissed that he would go on a couple's outing without you! It's one thing to go out with the boys alone (what man wants his wife along then) but if the other wives are going, that's just not right! Is he worried that you might start talking about the baby, the kids, etc. Is he trying to avoid bringing "home" into the "party?" It sounds like he is being like most men (my husband included) and being a big baby after they've had a baby. A lot of men, even the best of them, do not adjust well to suddenly competing for their partner's attention. They are used to us pampering and spoiling them and then, when a baby comes and needs attention 24/7, they pout! You definitely need to point blank ask him why the other wives are going and not you. And why he thinks it's okay for you to stay home with your kids and have other people's kids dumped on you while they go out! Also, what about your "self time???" That's something my husband has not gotten 100% either. I know you live in the Richmond area (as we've talked in personal messages) - let's get together, throw down some drinks and gripe about our men!!! LOL!!! :)

I'd like to know what job you have that your boss would feel comfortable asking you to watch his kids while he goes out on couples night with your man! I'm so mad for you I could just spit. Especially since this is the second time in two weeks, the first without your knowledge. And your boyfriend? Wow, I am speechless. My husband would never treat me that way.How'd you find out anyway? Never mind that.....

That said, the last thing I think you need is to raise your blood pressure over this. You don't need to be any more worked up than you already are. My advice would be to schedule 'friend' time with your girlfriends and turn the tables a litlle bit. Tell him you want to go out with his boss while he stays home with the kids. And last, never babysit for your boss again.

Sorry but it sounds like your boyfriend has the best of both worlds. He clearly is not committed to your relationship. One bit of advice from an older mom, people only treat you how you allow them to treat you. Put your foot down you have nothing to loose, he isn't committed now it can't get worse. Good luck!!

Your are right.. you need some couple time together. I can understand your hurt. Pray that God will show your boyfriend what he is doing and open his eyes to your needs. Keep asking him for a date reminding him that he means alot to you. I hope he responds soon. AF

It's not just you, in my opinion......Unfortunately I find, or hear, that most men need to be "family-tized" ie., the self-less-ness most definitely does not come naturally to them as it does a mother. My husband and I have defintely developed more of a "partnership" with the kids and parenting but it has been, and I'm sure at times will still be, a very rocky road. What your partner is doing is selfish. Very selfish. He's thinking of "his" needs above the family's and yours. If you have such a strong relationship like you say, then sit down with him one on one and walk through what you need, how you feel when he does these things and let him know it's gotta change. And then just like a kid, praid the heck out of him when he does it :-) Good luck!!!

I'm so mad at them all on your behalf that I hardly know what to say. He and your boss just treated you like a doormat. You are supposed to babysit for them when they go out without you, when you have a 2 month old baby yourself?

Close your eyes and visualize me and some of the other moms on this site bringing you a virtual breakfast in bed, all your favorite stuff.

Then, please put some energy into figuring out how to live your life for you and the people who will always love you. Invest in yourself before you invest more in him and the relationship. It's going to be hard with a new baby, but do what you can. Maybe you can start by asking that he watch the baby while you go out with your big girls once every other week or so. At least there's a small hope that since that child really is HIS he can be guilted into helping at least a little. Is there a night class you want to take? Ask that he deal with the home front so you can take it. Do you work? Take a job if you can. Just find ways to develop your own persona, your own sense of self, and you will start to build up your own confidence and also become less susceptible to the kind of treatment you just got.

You go girl.

Probably not going to be a popular response, but I've gotta agree with Momof2girls...
This guy doesn't sound very committed to you and I wonder why you are so committed to him.
If this man really loved you, you would come first, and he would marry you and adopt your girls. Then they could call him "daddy."
If THIS relationship ends, please choose better next time. And hold off on the making babies part....

I would be pissed too! What,Your everyone's freaking babysitter??....ugh!
That is not right. My feelings would be so hurt.

I have no advice, only wanted to add...they say "pick your battles"....I think you have a good ground to stand on here w/this battle R.!

Sounds like maybe BF didn't know that boss was going to ask you for babysitting...what does that mean? Boss assumed you wouldn't go because you never (get to)go? Or BF told boss Oh, R.'s not going ask her? Or BF didn't know you would get asked and was gonna try and play it off like a "boys night" instead of a couples thing? That's not cool...none of them are.

You didn't have that baby boy by yourself, he helped; therefore, he should help take care of him. You need alone time too, not just him. I see this as a very onesided relationship, been there, done that, no more. You need to sit him down, without the children around, and have a very looooooooong talk. What do his parents think of his guying it all the time and not every taking you by yourself? Good luck, but I see you as deserving better treatment than this.

Ok, I am going to be a little bit of a devils advocate. I went through this and what I found out in the end was that I too contributed to his behavior. First in defense of your boss, he may completely be unaware of the fact that you were not invited. You really dont know what reasons your BF is giving them for your absence. I know my man gave all kinds of excuses so that HE didnt look bad for not inviting me. He may have told your boss at the last minute that you couldnt find a sitter. In my case, he told his friends, colleagues etc that I didnt like going out so he would just go by himself. Second, sometimes women get involved with raising their kids and really dont realize how much we put our BF/husband off. I too kept the kids out of my husband's way but what I didnt remember is that a man needs attention too. While I was with the kids doing daily routines, he felt like he was being left out and so he found things to do where he felt "wanted". Anyway, his behavior is not CORRECT, please dont misunderstand but maybe you should find a sitter yourself and ask him on a date or invited yourself to join him wherever he hangs out. If you feel close to your BF then your attempts to give him full time attention will make him happy (and you too). It probably wont work at first because he is used to his routine. In the meantime take the time for yourself since you have a sitter anyway. He will begin to become more interested in you as you become interested in him.
Basically, I found out after 22 years in my relationship that I was a GREAT mom but needed some lessons on being a wife (in your case a partner). Anyway, Good luck and find yourself because one day your kids will be adults and all you will have IS yourself.

and why didn't he mention this to you? i'd be fuming! that's NOT right! and WTH is your boss doing asking you to watch HIS kids? wow.

i wanted to let you know that in the three years since our (one and only) son has been born i can count on one hand the number of times i've been out with my husband, just us. but it seems he's actually avoiding your company in public. and there's NO explanation that can make that okay. he has GOT to give a little. sounds like he's enjoying the "single", "footloose and fancy-free" lifestyle quite a bit. i think you should put your foot down. it will probably be WWIII but he's walking all over you right now.

Ask yourself, maybe this is the reason I will continue to be his girlfriend and never his wife. Maybe he isn't ready for total committment. You can't make him growup and see the the value of us time. Instead of writing on here about hurt you are, you should tell him how upset you are about always having to stay at home with the kids by yourself. I definitely agree that you need to make time for you even if he does not want to participate. Remember the trends that we set in relationships are hard to change later and you may become resentful.

Hello R.,

I'd find a babysitter and get some time for yourself. do that once/week for the next few weeks. then you'll see clearly what's going on. you'll be more refreshed. All I'm saying, don't wait for him for you to start having some fun. He'll be wondering and want to come along too... it might not be too much fun, but at least you'll get out of the house for a little bit. and if you think this relationship is not going to work... then protect yourself financially. although you're not married, it would be still almost as complicated as a divorce. Good luck! ~C.~