Re:My Son...

i have a daughter and hubby that are extreme cases of add. but you sound more like my friend describing her son who has a more mild case of it.
ADD has common effects on kids/adults such as blurting out w/o thinking first, angry outbursts out of the blue as you describe, unorganized in school thus getting lower grades due to lots of zeroes from not turning in HW (my daughter's IQ is 139-extremely high and w/o help she gets d's and f's), either extreme social skills being vivacious w everyone or the opposite spectrum w no social skills, fidgeting/keeping hands busy or singing/humming while doing something, etc.
My friend took our suggestion to go to our CHILD psychiatrist and CHILD psychologist/ADD COACH who both specialize in child ADD (different than adult add). Her son is now diagnose mild ADD range, and "finding" the medicine helps the best to relieve these.
However, understand that teen time is the time they do blow up, so since you describe that you have been having success w behavoir modification, how much of this is add vs. normal teen year attitude?
Believe me, meds are wonderful but dont get the ones that "make them zombies". but depending on the degree of add, these may not help "enuf". I have found physicians other than CHILD psychiatrists/ADD coaches do not have a great handle on meds and the needs of ADD kids in the best of circumstances.
The other way is knowing to pick your battles during these arguments. Dont get in his face EVERY time...it just worstens things. Dont propogate the argument - instead leave the room&him alone. Once he cools down, talk w him trying to come up with some ways to cope w his anger. Dont accuse, just approach him as if you want to help him fix it.
also, for our 11 yr old daughter, we have found in extreme cases of her acting up that making her sit in one spot for 30 minutes time out w nothing to do is the worst of punishment due to her needing to do "something" at all moments.

Hi T.,

I understand where you are coming from. Have your
son keep a journal, writing is a good way to process
our emotions. At times when we don't know how to
properly process our emotions we respond out of habit and
he just may have a hard time with expressing himself and gets frustrated. Disrespect should not be tolerated but as parents we have to make sure we are being a good example in how we relate with others. He could also have some issues with anxiety or problems socializing with kids his own age and takes it out on the people he loves. We are all guilty of that sometimes. He may even need to talk with a family therapist just to help him pull out any underlined issues that he may have a hard time expressing. A few sessions with out mom and day might be good for him too.

Many blessings and I wish you the best.

withdrawing privleges will curtail his sassiness to you -
Listen to his requests and his anger- don't shut him down-
with hormones raging it is quite normal for him to react and be defensive and act out in anger-
Encourage "appropriate" outlets for his energy and anger-
Sports-yelling- hitting a pillow (not his brother or you or Dad)
He is smart and likes to push the buttons as all teens do but PLEASE let him have his anger- if he understands that ANGER is just another emotion like happiness or sadness then he can channel it correctly and appropriately- if he does not learn to do that when he is 15 years old- that anger will be internalized and will become something worse- like DEPRESSION or self-critcism or worse...
These are trying times- LOVE him support him - and LISTEN to him- Tell him" I hear that you are...." BUT I still feel....because I am your mother I know what is best- If you refuse to do ....then you must deal with the consequences...these are the firm rules in this house. 1. 2. 3....etc."
Speak to him like an adult and he will respect you more... hope this helps

T., if you suspect your son may have AD/HD, I recommend that you have an evaluation done to confirm or dispel the belief. In the meantime, you can check out the website www.chadd.org and look into getting into a parent2parent training that they offer. It just is support but also evidence-based practices of working with and parenting a child with this disorder.

T.,

My husband has ADHD and I can tell you that it is very hard to get through sometimes about the wrong things he does. I am like you and am a firm believer in a swift kick in the butt. My daughter is autistic and my son shows signs of being very smart as well. Now, as the wife, I believe it is not my place to discipline my husband, but from experience, I can tell you that taking away their favorite activity helps. The only problem is that you have to give them a different activity in it's place. People with ADHD need an outlet so they can think. My husband uses computers, video games and books. He is currently a Computer Programmer for the Air Force and a very good one because of his ADHD. Also, eliminating gluten in the diet has tremendously helped my husband to focus and be approachable with just about any subject (including the stuff he did wrong). Hope this helps and let me know if you need any info on gluten free foods. God Bless.

T.,

Here's something you may not heard of before. ADD may be worsened by TV and other media where there is exposure to subte energies such as cell phones, wireless laptops, satellite dishes, etc. Also, TV viewing today is full of multiple images with rapid, fast edits. The brain is unable to focus. An analogy that will drive home the point, is to imagine you are reading a storybook to a young child, and the storybook has lots of intriguing pictures, but you are turning the pages so fast, that the child doesn't have the opportunity to focus on the picture and process the information. I am a Doctor of oriental Medicine. I take care of children in my practice, and I educate moms about the effects of subtle energies. WE don't really think about the effects of these, but they can certainly make your child's problem worse. There is also a great book written by an MD who has done years of research on ADD because he had children with this problem. It is called, "making a Good Brain Great" . The doctor's name is Dr. Amen. You can google him, and read up on what he recommends to help ADD. One of the supplements he suggests is Omega 3 Fish oils. I have sent several patients to his clinic (he has 3 across the country), and they are all doing really well, but you can just follow advise from his books without actually putting out the expense to go to these clinics and you may find improvement. Hope this is helpful information.

S. Martin OMD, L.Ac. RN

I think you should have your son officially tested. It could make a world of difference for your son and you. It did in our lives when my son was tested. We were shocked at the results, and life has been so much better for my son now that he understand "who" he is. Take that step first. It may be all that you both need. It is really hard growing up in our children's generation. They have lots of pressures. I mean, they have to know what career path they are taking when they are in 8th grade for goodness sakes! I'm not sure I figured that out myself! Good Luck!!!

I have an 8 year old son with ADHD. I too believe in the swift kick in the butt, but honestly with this kid it's pointless. Spankings do nothing. Just recently, we started holding him to a higher standard. We have clearly told him exactly what our expectations of him are. He will meet the expectation, but he won't push the extra bit to go past it, so we have to keep upping the ante. We've also started trying to help him be more aware of how his actions are affecting the family, his class, etc. Obviously sometimes he doesn't think before acting, but he is trying very hard to learn how to cope with this on his own. Unfortunately, the majority of what my husband and I come up with is worthless. But my son is getting to a point where he is finding his own ways to manage his symptoms. Impulse control used to be a daily issue for him. In one school year he was kicked off the bus, 13 times, over 20 phone calls with the principal and at least 10 PT conferences all over his behaviour. I'm not sure how he did it, but most of the time he is able to stop and think about it before he actually acts on it now.

Maybe you need to really sit down and hash it out with your son. He may have ideas of what is going to work for him, as far as holding him accountable for his actions. If he is aware of the cost of something, he may be able to take that extra step to avoid it.

I hope you can pull at least a little tidbit of something good out of all this rambling!! Good luck!

The attitude is perfectly normal. You need to find his currency. Does he love TV or the computer or video games. If he gives you lip or attitude, start taking those things away. (If they are in his room, remove them. Do NOT put them back. All that stuff needs to be in the family room where you control it.) Don't stand for the talking back. That makes me crazy, too! I found that just taking the one thing he loves most away for a day (or 2 if need be) is very effective.
Good luck!

Hi T.,

I feel for you! I've got two young boys and am dreading the teenage years. I taught for several years, had many students with ADHD (all boys) and know that sometimes it's probably hard to see all the wonderful things about him...even when 98% is wonderful!

The guidance counselor at my old school recommended a book, 1,2,3 Magic (author?) to all the parents at my old school. I even use it with my boys. It's simple, straitforward and a quick read. I also think there's a video in most libraries that you can check out, which might be easier for you.

Good luck!

Fondly,
M.

I have a daughter with ADD, which has played a big role in her emotional outbursts (ADD often goes hand in hand with lack of impulse control)....and for years I put up with all kinds of disrespectful language from her because I was so focused on just getting through her tantrums. One day she was in the middle of a complete tirade at me (I had refused to let her go swimming because it was dinnertime) and I said something to her, and she suddenly stopped and said quite reasonably, "Oh, good point"--and then went back to screaming at me. It was one of those "Aha" moments Oprah talks about: I realized I'd become a doormat for her, and it had to stop. I pulled the car off the road (this happened in the car) and I told her then and there that I was NOT going to put up with that kind of behavior, EVER. I mean, I was practically out of control myself, I was so angry (both at her and at myself). My husband says I have a longer fuse than he does but that when I do go off it's a much bigger bang, and this must have made an impression on her because from that day she's never done it again. Yes, we still have emotional outbursts (plenty)--but kids with ADD, I'm finding,are in especial need of very, very strict lines about where they can and can't go. Since your child's a boy, you're also teaching him something about how to treat women in general. I would make a really, really big stink the next time this happens and I would absolutely demand that he treat me with respect. And you do this with words and body language and action; hitting is just getting down on his adolescent level. If necessary, to make your point, stop cooking for him. Stop speaking to him. Take away his video games. Go ahead and "guilt" him a little. Make him feel the hurt for a day or so (I was so angry I hardly spoke to my daughter for a week). Do whatever you need to do to get it through his head that respect for his parents is a non-negotiable item. I had to learn this lesson the hard way, too. Good luck.--T. C P.S. If this comes up in the context of his being defensive about something he's done wrong, it might be better to focus on the disrespect in his response than in the original misbehavior: "I don't like that you didn't clean up your mess but I am abso-LUTE-ly not going to stand for your speaking to me this way." And then walk into another room to give him (and you) a few minutes to regain control. He may not be able to help being super-defensive 9my husband's that way--drives me crazy) but he CAN control the WAY he defends himself.