Requesting a Thank You Note?!?

Nope. That is not the reason for acts of kindness. It's also socially and etiquettly (made that one up!) weird!

.

with all this woman has on her plate - sending a thank you note would be the last thing on her list...

I too think it's rude that a person is requesting a thank you note....

given the circumstances? i'd tell her - thank you sooo much for wanting to do this - however, with everything she has going on - i doubt she'll have time to get a thank you note out...why not just donate the items to goodwill?

I just took thousands of dollars of my own childrens infant/toddler/young boys clothes, toys and accessories down to Joplin, Mo. Let me say in this sort of situation, pictures and news footage doesn't do damage and devestation justice. It's something you have to really see to believe. After seeing the things I saw, I would almost be offended if someone thought they needed to take the time(and money) to go out and write/buy/send/pay postage on a thank you note! Many can't afford food or water and are barely making it. I would be mad if they even thought about spending 50 cents on a stamp!

Someone who demands acknowledgement in a situation such as this isn't doing it for the people who need it. She is doing it for selfish reasons (oh, look at me, see what I did for the poor people who lost EVERYTHING, look how nice and compassionate I am) and needs to be taken down a peg or two. This is obvious if she won't give without thanks!!!!! Would a thank you note be nice? Sure it would! But this isn't some kids birthday present at an air conditioned party. These are people with issues much, much bigger than a conditional contribution and a thank you note!

I may be viewed as harsh here, and this is my first hand experience opinion, but SHAME, SHAME ON HER!!!!!!

And really? Just send the stuff with the promise of a thank you note and then OH WELL if she doesn't get one!

This is not a tornado shower. Damn. What a piece of work.

That being said, she is your husbands co-worker and you dont want to make trouble for him. And it sounds like she has taken on the duty of collecting from everyone and paying for the shipping herself? I think I would write her a thank you note myself, on your friends behalf. Something along the lines of, thank you for giving your time and effort in heading up the campaign to collect items at the office. I really appreciate your contribution, as I'm sure, it will be greatly appreciated by the recipient. I hope you will accept my thanks on her behalf, as she is displaced from her home, and will be giving birth in the next 2 weeks. I'm sure once she and her family are back on solid ground, she will remember the kindness you have shown.

Giving is supposed to be an unselfish act. One that does not need recognition in return. This just blows my mind. I think I probably would have given her a funny look and walked away. I don't know what I would have said to someone like that, how incredibly selfish.

Charity is done without contingencies... especially not on the contingency of a written thank you. There's a good change your friend will write one, but that's not the point!

If they REALLY need the items, then have her send them and just write the thank you yourself after telling your friend that you will do so! I would call your friend and say "So-and-so would like to send a few things down to you, which is great. I'll send her a thank you on your behalf!"

If they really don't need the items, then I would "thanks, but no thanks" that offer.

Your question actually gives me a sick feeling in my stomach. Who does that?! Why can't people just help and rest in the fact that they've done something good for somebody!! Appalling! Personally, I would tell your coworker thanks but no thanks. I'm sure there are plenty of other kind people out there to send help. You don't need her.

I lost everything in Katrina. It is incredibly stressful to try to find your balance,keep it together for your family and start over. Your husband's co-worker is a selfish, self-rightous pita. Does she expect the Red Cross to send a thank you note when she donates to a disaster? Wait, she probably doesn't do that because she isn't going to get someone fanning her ego.

With my big mouth I would have to tell her that if she's only going to send things on the condition that she get a thank you note that maybe she should just forget it. I can't even begin to tell you how stressed this mom is-new baby on the way, 2 little ones and a husband in the military and they've lost everything they own. I'd have to take this co-worker down a few pegs. In the nicest way possible ;)

I sent everyone that gave us money and items a thank you but it took me a while. And this poor woman is getting ready to have a newborn!

Tell that lady, not to trouble herself. WHAT A HUGE JERK!!! Talk about NOT helping for the sake of helping. She should be hoping she DOESN'T get a thank you note under these circumstances. Wow. I've heard of people sniveling when they don't receive thank you's (I always send thank yous but think it's wrong to expect them), but to request one from someone up FRONT? WHAT? What's she going to do, ask her, "Please assure me you're going to send a thank you note if I go out of my way like this...." ??! Yuck.

She lost everything, correct? So she doesn't just have thank you notes hanging around? I mean...she's picking up the scraps of her life...and she's supposed to run to Walgreens and pick up a pack cards? Ridiculous!! This woman needs TIME to cope with what just happened, not ridiculous pre-requisites to receiving "charity."

Don't take the stuff. Find things from people who truly care and want to give. Giving from your heart, means not expecting recognition. This lady just wants a pat on her back. Don't even waste your (Or the woman who suffered a tragedy's) time.

Okay, have your friend think of it this way. If she were sending these things to people through Red Cross and anonymous people were receiving would she still expect thank you notes?

These are donations, not gifts. And donations do not require thank you notes. It's rude to expect one, let alone ask for one, from people who are trying to get their lives back in order. They should never be expected to go out and purchase thank you notes when they probably don't have two pennies to scrape together, let alone not having the time while they clean through the rubble that's left of the their home.

Wow, your husband's coworker sounds like a piece of work. Decline her offer to collect items for this family! If she asks why, tell her that you don't feel it's appropriate to demand a thank you in any situation, but especially this one! How presumptuous of her! People who do nice things just to get their ego stroked absolutely sicken me!

Um....no.

If O. puts conditions on "giving", forget them. Sheesh. She sounds like a real idiot, to be truthful.

I think this friend of yours has a little more on her plate than being manipulated into a pre-thank you note.

Who gives for the purpose of acknowledgement?

Tell her if a thank you note is required then they don't need her stuff, apparently your co-worker wants recognition for doing good-that is too bad. Yesterday we took up a collection at church for tornado victims in Joplin-I don't expect to hear a thank you from any one there, that's not why we did it. Tell her you appreciate the thought but that she will not be getting a thank you card and see how she responds.

I think requesting a thank you note kind of defeats the purpose of the thank you note, personally. Especially when it's a donation prompted by an emergency, not a meaningless birthday gift.

This girl has lost everything, I highly doubt mailing out thank you notes is first on her list. I'm sure she's very thankful. That would be enough for me. Doing something nice for someone else would be enough for me.

Your co-worker should give & be charitable out of the goodness of your heart, not because you expect something back, and not with strings attached.

YIKES!!!! that's RUDE!!! While I do appreciate thank you notes, I do NOT demand them...

This W. just lost EVERYTHING - tell the other W. to donate the items to goodwill or some other charity....

Or you could write it yourself...but really? she'd probably look at the post mark and notice it didn't come from there....seriously...I understand your husband's "thinking" it is NICE - but really!? If you lost EVERYTHING...and people were being generous to you - yeah - heck yeah - you would WANT to write a thank you note...but do you have the time as you are talking to adjustors, insurance, shopping to replace, etc....come on...tell her to get a life...if she demands a thank you note for items given - she's not doing it out of the kindness of her heart.

Wait, seriously? She's not going to send stuff unless she's *guaranteed* a thank-you note? Obviously getting thank-you notes is nice, we all enjoy it when our efforts are acknowledged. But to *require* a thank-you note as a condition for the effort? I...wow...I don't even know what to say...Does she also demand thank-you notes along with birthday presents? When her dinner guest are leaving, does she tell them "...and don't forget to send me a thank-you note for this dinner I just served you..." Does she frame all her thank-you notes? Does she make a thank-you note quilt with them? I'm just floored as to the ridiculousness of people sometimes.

Given this situation...the last thing a person who lost their home needs to do is send a thank you note...Hello this is not a wedding or shower, or grad party......When they are back on their feet they can twitter their thank you...Enough said...

Your pregnant coworker is being to hormonal and self absorbed about this.

Maybe this person thinks that with a thank you note acknowledging her donation, that she will be able to use it as a tax deduction? That will not meet the IRS guidelines! Sending "stuff" to someone who has lost their house (and the place to store it) almost puts more of a burden on the poor folks who have experienced the loss. I agree that "requiring" a thank you note is unreasonable under the circumstances. Also if you make a tax deductible donation to a 501c3 non-profit organization, they are required to issue you a donation receipt if you request it. The IRS requires a receipt for any donation over $250, I believe.

The coworker is not doing this out of any sense of altruism or charity. She's doing it to show what a good person she is. You don't demand/request a thank you note when there is a disaster going on. Since you and your husband have verified that this is a true emergency (not someone trying to collect stuff for the heck of it or out of greed), that should be enough for the coworker. This is also not a situation in which you are donating to a tax-deductible charity (with an organization and infrastructure prepared to acknowledge gifts) and for which a receipt is important for tax purposes. Have your husband ignore her or tell her that the point of the donations is to help, not to give this family one more thing to do, thanks anyway. The coworker does not really have a true donor's heart.

A gift is a GIFT. If I get a gift with attachments, I'd rather not get the gift. That is so selfish and just plain WEIRD. I would tell your coworker to rethink it honestly.

Giving should be unconditional. While a thank you note is nice, the giver should just give and not worry about being acknowledged. What does she want to do...display the thank you note so that everyone can see how "good" she is? How shallow.

Um...........I think it is rude too to expect acknowledgment for doing something nice for someone else! Especially in this family's situation with dealing with housing, kids having a baby, hubby is military............she has enough on her plate right now and for the next few months than to worry about sending out a thank you note! I used to work with Family Readiness when we were still active duty and I did it for the satisfaction of helping other wives and the time it got me out of the house as I was a SAHM, not because I wanted a pat on the back every time I did something for someone! The happiness I gave that wife while her hubby was deployed to help her with a problem was enough of a thank you for me!

Just my 2 cents!
S.

Now I've heard everything!

The co-worker sounds very like an anal Type A control freak. But maybe perhaps she is hard on others b/c others have been hard on her?

Good luck to your friend the Army wife.

When you are dealing with a disaster, the last thing that crosses my mind is dealing with thank you notes.
If she wants to send along a donation - great!
But to with hold for a thank you note when your friend is essentially homeless is just bad form all the way around.
Does she realize exactly how bad things are down there?
Maybe she's thinking this is a sort of baby shower?
There's got to be some sort of mis-communication going on.
Perhaps a chat with her might help clear the air and if she still insists on a thank you note (will she accept one from you on your friends behalf?) then the only conclusion I can come to is she has a few loose wires in her thinking process and you should just forget about her.

Maybe it's just me but she seems a little selfish...co-workers wife that is. The purpose of donating is to help someone in need. Yes a thank you note (and I don't usually write them) would be nice but in the end it may be too much to ask for one before hand.

To say "I need a thank you note or I'm not spending my time...." is a bit absurd.

I volunteer hours upon hours for Girl Scout...not once have I said "I need something in return" I get all I need in the smiles on their faces. Yet...the parents of my group yesterday acknowledge myself and my co-leader during our program. It was sweet and most all NOT EXPECTED!

When I do things for others whether it's because they are in need or because it's the right thing to do I don't expect things in return. The feeling of I've done something for someone else and made their life better is all I need in the end.

I personally would say no thank you, we are helping this woman and I am not going to demand anything in return from her.

This sounds too unbelievable. The only explanation I could come up with is that maybe she would use the thank you note as proof that items were sent so that she can deduct this as a donation on her taxes. When I bring stuff to Goodwill I always get this receipt for my tax deduction. Is it maybe possible that this is the motivation behind this strange request?

Wow. Playing devil's advocate, because in my mind I need to think there's some "reason" the lady would do something so seemingly stupid.....perhaps it's for tax purposes (in which case you can fix that by writing a thank you note to her, for helping your personal friend, by sending ___ )? Or because she wants to know it went to a real person and not just a scam? Even so....that's incorrect on her part, but there is a way to get around those obstacles and receive things for your friend and/or her neighbors. What she may be failing to see is this isn't a gift, it is disaster relief, and there is a big difference. When someone receives a gift, life is fairly good and they "ought to" take a moment to say thank you. When someone receives disaster relief, they are in a crisis and trying to keep their head above water (and those of her children, and I cannot even imagine doing that without my husband being there as comfort). On top of that, the husband is away from his family, serving our country! All the more reason to assist. If she seems to be the type that wants to bang the etiquette drum then perhaps you can submit this to Dear Abbey or Ann Landers or whoever it is that does those kinds of questions these days. (Strictly speaking, not only is it a low just on a "being human" scale, but there is no time you can hold a gift, donation, or crisis relief over someone's head with the condition of a thank you card---ever, so if etiquette is what she's concerned about, then she'd get blasted in that arena). Maybe she's just a miserly old woman, like one out of a Charles Dickens book.
If I were in your situation, I would first ask why the thank you card was so important (for taxes? to prove it wasn't a scam?) and then if it isn't those 2 things, say, "Thank you for the thought. I understand that in a traditional gift reception, it would be proper to send a thank you. But you are aware that this is disaster relief, not a gift, right? She and her children will be thankful, but I think that in a serious matter like this, we need to first realize they are actively trying to survive and rebuild, and we need to look at Matthew 6: Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. So when you give to the poor, do not sound a trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, so that they may be honored by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. But when you give to the poor, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving will be in secret; and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you." I would leave it at that. She can then choose to donate or not, but that's the spirit that giving should be in and anything else is just another burden added to your friend on "things to do".

OMG these poor people are just trying to survive and she is worried about
thank you notes. I would tell her to keep her stuff! How can someone even
think about a thank you note. Guess she is not doing this from her heart!
So sad.

You could send the woman a thank you note yourself. I agree it's totally weird and rude to demand a thank you note in advance of doing a charitable act.

What did you tell her when she said this?

I think requesting a thank you note for donating after a tragedy is selfish. If your friend and the woman both have facebook she could post something on her fb page. She could also send a thank you by email. But the woman expecting a thank you note should be willing to wait a few months.

I hope your friend and her family are safe and recovering. Congrats on the baby.

It would be nice but her whole family is going through a huge transition right now. Their whole world has been turned upside down. If they are living with their parents they are probably more busy trying to keep the house cleaned up after their children and looking for other living arrangements. She is also pregnant and probably going through a harder time trying to stay calm about the whole situation. How can someone send a thank you note before they get their package? How does that happen? That is rude. That shows that they just want the credit. Selfless people don't respect anything in return and find happiness in doing these things for others in need.

Selfish, immature, weird.. I could think of more.

No. Never heard of such a thing.
BUT, Perhaps you could write one on her behalf, and then she doesn't have to worry about it, but your friend can still get the assistance, and the woman who is offering the "help with strings" gets what She seems to so desperately need as well. Send her a camera and/or ask her to send a photo of her or the kids using something (email from her mom's) so you can enclose it with your note.
Perhaps your husband's friends' wife (?) is just concerned about scams. It does go on after disasters.

Wow. That's just out of line. Generosity and compassion are tools we can use to alleviate the suffering of another person. To require acknowledgement and gratitude forgoes the ultimate intention behind those words. Generosity and compassion does good for the simple sake of doing good. If she requires a thank you note before assisting a fellow human being I think she should probably not be allowed to help. How sad.

Yes, I've heard of that. Some people are very, very concerned that they will not be appreciated. Have you ever noticed how charitable organizations are profuse in their thanks to large givers? Have you heard of wings of hospitals or libraries named for a benefactor? And for good reason! But it's not too helpful to have such people around in a genuine crisis situation.

There's an old saying that it's amazing how much you can do and how much you can give if you don't care who gets the credit for it.

But for the sake of getting your friend what her family needs (and keeping peace in your husband's workplace), play along with it. Warn your friend in advance. Mail her a note card and envelope with a stamp affixed, along a hint or two of what to say, so that she - or her mother - can hand-write, hand-address, and mail a short, gracious note to the co-worker in less than five minutes' time.

Your friend has many challenges and responsibilities, big and small, and this is one little thing that can be gotten out of the way fast. Don't seethe. Focus your attention on more important things.

(P.S. I'll be the devil's advocate for a second. Perhaps the co-worker wants acknowledgment just so she'll know her box arrived safely at the right address.)

Tell her she will def get a thank you note. Let her send the things....the end. Screw her. If she is persistent, do what someone said and hand write one yourself and t ell her she sent it in a letter to you. Some people amaze me.

The lady requesting a Thank you note is CRAZY! . Thank you notes are meant for the reciepient to thank the sender and its based on their thankfulness for the gift. It sounds like this lady wants recognition for doing a good deed. Her heart isn't in the right place-she isn't giving out of the goodness of her heart, she is giving because she wants a pat on the back, a thank u card and acknowledgement for "LOOK WHAT I DID!" Tell her she is crazy and you won't support sending stuff if she is insisting on a thank you note. You can't force people to thank you for anything!

M

No, this woman is way out of line. I've known people like this & those who demand manners from others are only showing the lack of their own in my opinion.

Years & years ago I worked for a law firm. I had been there only a couple of months when my husband & I got married & I was also 3 months pregnant & wracked with morning sickness. I left work at 3pm on a Friday following a small party complete with cake, card & gift certificate from my co-workers to get married that evening & was back to work the following Monday. Early that Monday morning the office manager came to me asking why I hadn't brought a thank you card in so all of the partners who hadn't bothered to come to my party knew that I had received the gift certificate & was grateful. I was like, "What?!?!" & her response was something along the lines of 'obviously young people these days aren't taught any manners.' Now, I know I was only 22 years old & freshly married & pregnant, but I certainly have manners. I have never forgotten that & what a bitter taste it put in my mouth being orders to be grateful.. I'm sure it tainted the wording of my note when I did bring it in the following day, but I absolutely WAS grateful, as we needed all the help we could get at the time.

I think the choices are....be honest with this co-worker that insisting on a thank you at this disheveled state in someone's life is not something you are willing to guarantee. But she had best include a SASE (Self Addressed STamped Envelope). She is either willing to donate or not.

With that said...I would probably pen the thank you myself, include the SASE in the packages your are kindly sending with the hopes that the friend will even be able to find a standing mailbox or functional post office to drop it off in.

And to answer your actual question...gosh, some people are so darn near sighted...nope I have never heard of someone insisting on a thank you...no thanks to that attitude.

So all the woman is worried about is being acknowledged for giving these poor people something?? I'd tell her I'd make sure she got one, and after I sent the stuff tell her that I told the woman not to worry about a "Thank You" card. What a snobby b***h.

Here's a suggestion - don't say anything to her at all. Simply print this thread and let her read it. It looks like everyone agrees she's a PRUDE! Just send the stuff to people who really do need it without recieving a pat on your back, woman!

It sounds kind of weird, I think a thank you note is the right thing to do in this situation but it shouldn't be a "only if" if you are doing it as a good action which she is doing by giving and taking the time and money to send the stuff.
Maybe she has help many people before that didn't show any kind of appreciation?
I would let your friend send the stuff and wait if your other friend sends a thank you note. If not you could advice her to do so, do it for her or let your other friend ask for it herself.

I would tell her to keep her cr#p. She has obviously never gone through tragedy in her life. Your friend's only purpose in life right now is survival, not stupid thank you notes. Sorry, but this really struck a nerve for me!

Wow, that is just crazy. I hope this lady doesn't ever have anything tragic happen to her. And on top of that have a baby due in weeks.

I'm with you, although at some point it would be nice to be acknowledged, I would not expect it.

Isnt the best charity anonymous?

I'd feel like asking her if she'd like it on homemade stationary or will a fine store bought card do? I think you should memorize what JessicaWessica wrote and say it to this jerk.

The coworker is a nut. I've never heard of anything like that.

I would just tell her that she will get a thank you note and then write one yourself! What a piece of work!

Talk about cheesy! Of course acknowledgement is always nice but that should never be the reason why one gives of themself or donates to those in need. What a piece of work that woman is.