My 15 year old daughter had been friends with two girls since elementery. They could be together seperate or all together and they all got along. Right after Christmas last year one of the girls started getting jealous of my daughter and slowly ended her friendship with my daughter...by the end of school last year she told the other one she would have to pick between my daughter or her to be friends with...well for whatever reason she picked the other-Their Moms have been best friends since grade school.
It bothered my daughter but she is good friends with so many other kids she just dealt with it and moved on. At the begining of this year they started making fun of her and laughing and making snide comments to her and her friends. We talked about it and she decided to just ignore it---well 2 weeks before Thanksgiving break (They had all week off) They sat at a table next to her and her friends and made their remarks and then called her a B----! They even had one of the girls male cousins say to my nieces boyfriend he was going to kick his A--He had nothing to do with any of this...This finally got to her and I decided since I have known the parents for along time I would see if we could all get together and talk.
At our football game last weekend I went up to one of the fathers and told him whats been going on and could we all get together-I told him we have always been friends and still are, and that I understood that everyone does not have to like everyone else but to disrespect my daughter that way is uncalled for. I fully expected some response in the last week---NOTHING! The two girls even sat next to me as I talked and I point blank asked them simple questions and they just sat there and stared at me and would not respond.
I have talked to my daughter today and she said there has not been any problems....We have a familly friend who is also the school cop--he knows the situation and he can watch but they never do anything when he is around--so this puts him in a bad place because he could be accused of favoritism if he says something-so Im leaving him out of it unless he sees something.
My question is do you think I should go to the administration with this? Or wait and see what happens? My daughter is a strong person and has many friends--Shes even a very popular girl. I just dont think she should have to endure this everyday and it has seemed to escalate in the past couple months. I really cant believe I had no response from the girls parents but obviously they dont care!
Please give me any thoughts you have!
Thank You! All of the responses pretty much reflected my feelings. We are going to wait and watch-hopefully the girls got the point by me confronting them and dad (as far as the moms-I saw him tell them about it later on in game, we got a couple looks) Luckily my daughter has a good head on her shoulders and she does see that they are being petty-for whatever reasons they might have. In these day and time you do have to worry about violence and if it escalates any more -then we will bring the administrators in the loop.
I've gone through this with my son, and I suggest reading the books "Please Stop Laughing at Me" and "Please Stop Laughing at Us." They are written by Jodee Blanco, who was teased and bullied as a child, and gives parents and kids perspective and advice on how to deal with things (and it actualy works!).
Absolutely go to the administration. Verbal bullying is just as bad if not worse than physical. It is still bullying. Tell them the whole story and trying to work with the other parents.
Good Luck and DO NOT BACK DOWN!
Mmm, wow.... I am sure that this is painful for your daughter, but I think that she is on the right path in how she is handling it. You cannot fight this battle for her, as much as you want to. I don't believe that this has escalated to the point of involving school administration. Encourage your daughter to continue to ignore them, not like they are hurting her but like they are so insignificant. Now is a good time to learn that she cannot control anybody's behavior and that she can surely rise above other people's hurtful actions, even when they are so painful that she wants to run home and cry. Help her to develop an understanding that these girls are insecure and it's making them be stupid, because they don't know how to address their issues head on and think that hurting somebody else is what makes them look better. That's not easy when you're dealing with hormones, but your daughter is already on the right path to being so much bigger than this. I think that she'll calm down when you calm down.
Good luck.
I am not a mother of a teenager but I am a teacher. I have dealt with this situation before. The girls who are doing the teasing will never admit it. So don't bother. The parents will mostly likely not do anything about it either, unfortunately. I would just advise your daughter to stay far away from the girls. Try to find out when all of this bullying is going on, too. Also - tell a her teachers to keep an eye of it. Maybe they have seen something going on between the girls. If it still continues or gets worse- visit the school and talk to the principal.
Jealousy and mean girls are icky. It sounds like you are handling the situation perfectly and that your daughter is very strong. Doing your best to ignore the two former friends and their families is wise and spending more time with new friends will help protect her by giving her space from the hurt the others want to cause.
One bit of advice that I always gave my kids is this: if you let what others say bother you, then they win. If you don't let it bother you, then you win. And, there is a great verse in the Bible that takes it one more step. In the Bible (Romans chapter 12), it talks about blessing those that persecute you and by doing so it will be like heaping burning coals on their head. Look it up at www.biblegateway.com. Also Luke 6:27-28. The truth is these girls have alot of insecurities, their behavior is a reflection of how they think of themselves. It is just being directed at your daughter, probably because they are jealous of her. Get with your daughter and together, pray for these girls. And, I know this may sound silly, but have your daughter buy them a small gift and send it to them in secret (they won't know who sent it). It may or may not affect the other girls, but it will help your daughter, because unforgiveness and bitterness is incredibly destructive. And she is probably wrestling with these emotions.
This happened to me from K-12 & even some in college too. Kids who behave this way have some underlying issue that makes them feel inferior to your daughter (or someone else). I was always told that anyone who behaved this way was just jealous of me. That may be the case but that's no excuse for acting this way. The other kids seem to have this need to act superior over another to fill some kind of void happening in their lives. You are very wise in stating to the father in that they don't have to like each other but they do need to accept each other & get along for however long they go to school together. Nothing was ever done to stop the bullying I experienced but this is a different time we live in now. Let the parents, of the kids behaving this way, know that if it doesn't stop, you will take it to a higher authority. There are laws to protect kids from school bullying now so if you HAD to, you can take it to that level but leave it as a last resort if all other options have failed. I wish you the best of luck!
Since you've said something, there hasn't been any problems. I would wait. So far, you speaking up has worked. If they've stopped and you go to the administration anyway, it shows your friends that you don't trust them even after you've asked them for help. It wouldn't be right to go tell on them once they've stopped. If it continues, then I would let the parents know that you will have to get the administration involved but that it is not a reflection on your friendship. But, that an objective party might be the best recourse since the behavior has started up again.
Ask her if she would want you to talk to the school or persue the parents? It could blow up even more. She may want to handle it herself. See how she feels and what assistance she would like or need. And of course be there to listen when she needs to vent.
It all sounds very normal for teenagers. Really- I know it's awful but very common. My concern would be that it does sound like it's turning into bullying and schools are really trying to cut down on the bullying since a boy recently killed himself and other kids have gone 'postal' who have been bullied. So I think going to the administration might be helpful. Make sure you tell them you did approach the parents but they haven't gotten back with you and you want to nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
BTW I have 4 too! All girls, ages 2-6. I have a little sister and I saw a lot of what you describe go on in her school. I was homeschooled, I couldn't stand the social mess of highschool. :)
Sounds like the dad took care of the problem and may not feel comfortable getting together to discuss the problem. I would just sit back and wait to see what happens. Should it start up again, I would contact the Moms. I wouldn't involve the school just yet. Things may have calmed down. Just sit back and see.
I think think you have a couple of options. First, you could let it go, since it seems to have stopped, until something else comes up. Then as soon as it does, go to the school. If threats continue to be made, a police report may need to be made against whomever is making the threat.
The other one is, you could go to the school and have this situation documented. You can have them act on it now or ask them to wait and see if any thing else happens. At least this way you have documentation of what has been going on.
I hope and pray things get better for your daughter. Being bullied is no fun. It happened to me and my dad called the police and filed charges. We never had another incident after that.
The girls know now that you know what is going on and so does that father you spoke to. Sometimes that is enough.
Bless you both!
I agree with Heather in a lot of things. But I would add that, being in high school, she should talk to the school counselor. In seeking an authority figure in the high school herself, she can learn a bit about choosing options for herself when confronted with behavior of others (which is not within her control).
Working on letting my teen have more control in his own life (and responsibility) is something I'm working on, though it's not easy! BTDT!
As for the parents of the "used to be friend", consider that they have been told a story quite the opposite. I bet it sounds very much, to them, as your daughter's side of the story. Being assertive without being aggressive or angry might be the best approach.
Good luck! You two are already doing wonderfully!
Lot so great comments and suggestions. The one thing I will add is perhaps contacting the school counselor and asking him/her to find time with the girls to have a peer mediation meeting to see if they can get to the bottom of things or at least get feelings out on the table.
As for taking it to administration...if other incidents happen I would absolutely talk with them. As a teacher the bullying and name calling should stop immediately. However, if administration or teachers are not aware they can not take action.
I hope things get better and there is a resolution. It sounds as though you are doing a great job!
S., I just went thru this with my son who is 5 years old & it stinks. I would document everything up to this point. Make the teachers aware of the situation and educate your daughter to let a teacher know if anything else happens. If it happens again, go directly to the principle. I think by you talking to the parents & the girls even though neither have responded has probably put a stop to it. Your a great mother for standing up for your child. Keep it up and keep your eyes & ears open.
S., since the confrontation, I would probably just let it go for now (since you mention there haven't been any issues since). Not much time has passed, however. Maybe that was enough to end the behavior. I would probably only get the school involved if things get bad and there are more physical threats. If you go up to the school and the bullies find out, they will only harass your daughter more. I do believe that ignoring is probably the best thing to do. Kids pick to get attention and to feel better about themselves. It's sad but true. If they don't get a response, it's likely to end. If your daughter just ignores it, maybe these girls will realize they are being immature. Thank goodness she has a big group of friends (and the larger group of friends she has around her during these times might be intimidating to them). If she becomes uncomfortable, I do think she should talk to the administration herself.
My daughter dealt with a lot of drama throughout junior and senior high school. Have you heard the motto: "Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child"? My daughter, in learning how to deal with jealous girls in school, now is so mature in handling her somewhat public life now. (She is dating a high-profile guy.) Continue to talk with her and make sure she doesn't take things personally. Help her to see why some of these girls act the way they do. It turns the shock at their behavior into sympathy. Some girls have a lot of stress at home, some aren't valued, some are ignored, some don't have a dad to love on them and tell them how beautiful they are, some have extremely beautiful or talented siblings that they feel overshadowed, etc.
It's difficult to watch as a mom, but as long as it doesn't escalate, your daughter will be fine. Just keep monitoring. Praise your daughter for being able to keep her emotions in tact and knowing how to find good friends.
S.,
I just wanted to reiterate a little of what Nancy said about the father not having a clue. From my personal experience (I have four kids, now 16 - 21)...most fathers would not handle hearing something about their kids like that the same way a mother would. Not to excuse the lack of concern, but I would not assume that the mother's were even told and if they were, I wouldn't assume that it was relayed to the degree that you told it to the father. Not trying to put fathers down because some would be very concerned and alarmed but I just wouldn't make too many assumptions, especially if you told him at a sports event.
Just thought I'd mention this since you may cross paths with the other mothers. L.
There is some great advice in this, and some I'll be using myself as my middle schooler is starting to encounter the same issues. Your daughter seems to be handling it well though, and that's the best thing she can do. Ignore the ribbing and carry on with grace, dignity, and kindness. It ultimately makes the offending parties look like complete fools.
Something I remember from my basic training days, is when our Drill Sergeants were trying to tear us down, they actually gave me some great life advice for those times when people are less than pleasant, "I don't mind, because you don't matter." Sounds cold, but put into practice, it's a life saver when dealing with the more foolish of the world.
Good luck!
Girls' issues involve sooooo much more drama than boys', doesn't it? Unless it becomes more than just a word battle - you need to have someone monitor their facebbok pages that they're not cyber bullying or getting REALLY nasty - just let your daughter handle it her own way. It's tough when the other parents aren't willing to step in and actually BE a parent, but you don't know what's going on in their lives or what they've been told by their daughter. Learning how to handle it all is so important and she'll use it the rest of her life. Give her good advice and make sure you inquire about it often and DON'T YOU make it escalate (don't get hysterical, don't suggest things that aren't appropriate or are hateful - you want to teach her to rise above it and not get down on their level). Tell her the story of the clean white gloves and the mud puddle. You never get clean mud when you put white gloves in the puddle, You'll only ever get dirty gloves!!! I pray ALLOT for my 15 year old.
