Respect My Mom's Wishes????

Invite them as you usually do. Let them know about Mom being there. They can decide. If they do decide to come, let her know that he will be there and that you expect her to be polite. If she choses not to come that's her problem. She doesn't have to hang out with him and be drinking buddies, she just has to be nice.

Invite them. One year my father was having problems with his brother so I did not invite my Uncle for Christmas. My relationship with my uncle has not been the same since. I did not agree with my father but because I did not invite my uncle it came across like I did.
My brother is gay and it took my father a long time to come to terms with it but he never excluded my brother's SO from anything!

I'm so happy you made the decision that you did and for the outcome. I would have done something similar - I would have told my cousin that he and his significant other are most definitely invited, but that Mom did her usual and requested that he not be invited. Basically leaving it up to the cousin. However, I am very happy at the outcome here - perhaps this will be a new chapter in both lives that will bring about some understanding and love.

I'd ESPECIALLY invite his SO and if your mom doesn't like it, she can always go grab some KFC!
Seriously, I find it hard to believe that your mom feels empowered enough to try to dictate what you do in your own house. I find it quite rude, bigoted and closed-minded. Personally, I wouldn't tolerate it.
I doubt they plan on having sex in front of everyone on the dining room table, next to the turkey!
Why can't people leave sexual preferences in the bedroom?

You are the hostess, invite who you want. Your mom is being childish. Not inviting the cousin's SO doesn't keep the peace, it keeps the hate.

I would invite everybody and a guest, because that is the kind of hostess I am. I won't hurt one family member's feelings (cousin) over somebody elses issues.

Of course not. Your house, your rules. Remind your mom that, "When in Rome, you do what the Romans do." (come to think of it, didn't a lot of those Romans like boys?) ;)

Don't give in to your mom's bigotry. She needs to get over it.

how can you respect your mom's wishes .....when they are contrary to -not only your own - but your cousin's own mother? Your mom is the odd man out on this one & it is your home.

Shame on her for creating a rift within the family....especially since the SO is not a one-night stand, but a long-term relationship!

My hope is that the next family celebration is at your cousin's home! Would your mom even consider not going at all.....simply because of that SO??!!! Would she really consider dividing the family over her stand on homosexuality? How far do you let her take this? The reality here is: your cousin is still gay....whether or not that SO is in the room! Peace!!

Definetely invite him. It is your house, and it sounds like you like your cousin and his SO. Let mom find out there is a person there who she might actually like if she just forgot about the gay part. It is your house and your hospitality will be judged not hers. If you like them invite them. I hope you enjoy your get together and that mom shows up and keeps things in perspective. Cheers,

BAHAHA Denise! I'm with you. I'd probably go out collecting gays to come to my house for Thanksgiving if my Mom wanted to exclude someone's longterm SO, jeesh! I feel bad for your Mom!

Seriously though, I see your conflict. I see you are a better person than she is in spite of your upbringing, still nobody wants to piss off The Mother.

Even though you know her intolerance is wrong, definately approach it in a gentle manner....Mom, jeez, they've been together X years, isn't it time to get over it?.....EVERYONE ELSE has!

Your Mom is wrong.

I would invite him and his SO. Period. End of story.

I'd do more than tell him he can bring a guest... if this man has been his partner for YEARS I'd outright INVITE HIM!!! Pick up the phone, call your cousin and say "Hey _________. Just wanted to make sure you AND _____ are planning to join us for Thanksgiving."

It would be insane not to. Honestly, I'm shocked that he's been coming to Thanksgiving at your mom's without his SO.

If your mom can't eat at a table with a gay couple, let her eat at the kids table in the kitchen :-P

HTH
T.

Absolutely invite them. I'm sure you love your mom, but how embarrassing for her that she is so overtly prejudiced against gay people. Not only would I invite your cousin and his SO, I would tell my mom that if she causes a scene or makes them feel unwelcome in any way, SHE would not be welcome in my home. And as far as everyone "respecting" her wishes every year, I would have long ago refused to go to her house for Thanksgiving with her bigoted attitude. You've all been "excusing" her for a long time - when, really, it's unexcusable.

That is not peace you are keeping.
That is kowtowing to your mother's inappropriate belief system.
You may be able to educate your mom
in association with this Thanksgiving dinner.
PLEASE have your cousin bring his SO and make them feel welcome.
See if you can prepare other members of the family
to be your assistants in getting your mother to adjust
to this reality, to get her out of her blind, negative customary mindset.
Good luck.

Another vote for inviting your cousin and his SO. It''s your house, you have the right to dictate who is invited into your home, not your mother. If your mother doesn't like it she can sit in another room, other end of the table, sit outside. It's her problem not yours.
If it were my mother I'd give her an earful for how horrible she's being but that's just me ;)

It's your home. Invite who you want. He's family. He should not be treated any differently than any other member of your family. If your mom has a problem with it, then she can choose not to attend. (Has she been to other family events that he attended?) I know the holiday wouldn't be the same without your mom if she chose not to attend, but you need to do what you feel is right.

It's your house and while your mother might not be comfortable with his life choices (or the way he was born depending on your beliefs) it's your rules. Show your mother that you're tolerant of his SO and that you just want a wonderful holiday get together. Who knows, she may end up liking the SO!

Good luck!

I understand wanting to keep the peace and respect your mother's wishes and it may be difficult to do something that you know will upset her. But I think I'd find it even harder to tell your cousin that his SO is not invited, particularly since you've invited him to your home in the past. I think that since it's at your house, and mom is merely a guest, not a host, it is your decision, and personally, I'd invite them. Mom needs to be an adult, and be civil. I assume these people haven't done anything to offend her, other than living a lifestyle that she doesn't agree with.

Your MOM needs to "keep the peace"! This is your home and your decision. It's ridiculous that she acts this way since everyone knows. It's her prerogative to be rude and not invite him to her house, but it's not okay for her to make decisions for you at yours. I would invite him and tell mom she needed to step into the 21st century. Remind her she doesn't have to talk to the guy or even acknowledge the two of them. Yes, she'll stand out as incredibly rude, but that's her decision -and the only one she gets to make this year.

It is your house and your choice! I would tell her (as nicely as you can) that even though she is not okay with his decisions / life choices, that YOU are and you see nothing wrong with him bringing a SO. If I were in your shoes, that is what I would do! Gay people have it hard enough with people OUTSIDE the family - I think having people openly accept him and his SO for once would be so nice for him!

Mom needs to get over it. It's not her house, it's yours, he's your cousin and that's really the bottom line. Tell her that you want your loved ones to be there and that you are not excluding anyone from attending. If your mom has a difficult time with that then let her bow out of coming. It's her choice, at least. I wouldn't not invite gay cousin's SO because you will strain that relationship, too.

It is your house. Your mother with just have to deal with it or not come.
If she allowed herself to spend time with this couple, she would probably
come to realize that she has been foolish. Please do not exclude your
cousin and his SO. I think he would be so hurt and I do not think that
you would want to do that. You sound like a wonderful, caring person.

Do NOT respect her wishes! It's your house and if you truly do not have a problem with it, then don't have a problem and invite your cousin and his SO as you would do if your mother was not there.

No, don't back down. He has every right to bring his SO, and if your mother has a problem with it, it is HER problem. My BIL has a transgender aunt. They always invite everyone and those that are too close minded usually choose to not come - their loss, she is really sweet and has taken care of her mother for the last 30 years.

Your house, your rules. She will be your guest and I find it incredibly rude of her to even suggest (sounds more like a demand) who to invite.
Nobody would even question how rude this is if the cousin wasn't gay.

Stand your ground!
Good luck!

keeping whose peace? your mothers? absurd! invite the cousin and his SO. Your mother has no right dictating whom you invite to your house.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's your house; your rules.

It's your house, you are hosting, you invite whomever you want. As far as keeping the peace, that will be your mom's job as she will have to be a respectful guest in your home around other guests. I would tell her just that too.
Here would be my 2 points in making the decision to invite the SO: They have been dating longterm, so this isn't a brand new relationship AND if your female cousin gets to bring her BF why can't your male cousin?
I would invite him.
Good Luck.

No I would not respect her wishes. I think you need to be strong and stand up for your beliefs.
I don't think you would be able to forgive yourself for hurting your cousin like this.
We all have an obligation in this world to stand against discrimination.
Those that stand by and not speak up against it are just as guilty as those that practice discrimination.
You never know your mother might learn something from it.
I had a similar issue when I invited my good friend plus her girlfriend to our wedding. I got lectures about being gay being morally wrong etc etc etc from an older family member who has a very strong personality.
I felt very proud that I stood up for my friend and pointed out that God loves my friend just as much as everyone else etc.
Be strong Mama.
B.

I would tell my mother that my house, my rules, my guests! My parents are not comfortable with the gay lifestyle either (which I have posted on here before as well) and I invite my girlfriends (girls who are friends!) to our house for barbques and birthdays and my parents and family are here as well. They know how to behave,and your mom should too.
You invite who you want to invite, and if she doesn't want to come that THAT is on her.

It's your home...you do what you want and what you think it right! I would invite his SO!

Ummm... def bind for sure.. BUT... you must do what your heart says to do... INVITE this person.. You have to set a precedence for your own kids of being open-minded .... nowadays, I think your mom might be the odd man out (so to speak) than your cousin's boyfriend... It's good that you told your mom ahead of time so now the ball is in her court as to whether she will attend or not..
Although I understand that you don't want to make waves, I think it's also important to stand up for what YOU believe in... Hey, I don't always agree with everyone.. as my posts will indicate.. :) hahah HOWEVER.. I stand for what I believe in (right or wrong) and since you believe that gay is ok (which I too believe it is) then by all means... have the boyfriend over..

Your House, Your Rules... Sorry Mom, Love You!

Let him bring his boyfriend. Your Mom needs to meet him and find out that he is, I'm assuming, a great guy that she might actually like!

Does your cousin know that your mom is uncomfortable? If yes, then when you talk to your cousin I would just mention that your mom will be there and leave it at that.

If no, then you should let your mom know ahead of time whether the cousin will be attending with the SO and let her respond as she needs, BEFORE Turkey day. Be prepared for her to stay home, but just as people feel that your cousin should not be judged your mom should not be judged for staying home.

I would invite him, but make sure he knows that your mom is going to be there so that they can decide for themselves if the SO wants to come. It's your house you have the right to invite who you want, but if you think your mom is going to behave poorly, than your cousin should know in advance so they are not blindsided by your mom's behavior.

It's your house, your policy. She may discover they aren't so bad and be more willing to have the SO over herself if you give them an opportunity to meet. Sometimes you just have to do what you know is the right thing, even if other people, including your parents, feel uncomfortable. Good luck and Happy Thanksgiving!!

Your house, your rules. How would shunning your cousin's SO keep the peace? All it would do is make them feel unwelcome, when (as you've stated before) they are always welcome at your house. Your mom can deal with it for one day. I think in this case SHE needs to respect YOUR wishes!

I wouldn't really want to teach my son that bigotry is acceptable. We may love a bigot with all of our hearts, but that doesn't mean that WE also have to be a bigot.

No way! I would never respect the wishes of anyone who is being unfair and prejiduce. You should support your cousin who has been very patient while dealing with people not accepting him for who he is.
Invite your cousin and his partner and let this be a positive example to your mom...

Telling him not to bring the SO when you've done so in the past would really make you a hypocrite.

If mom has an issue she doesn't have to come. It is your home and you're free to invite whoever you wish.

You'll lose a lot more peace if you change your policy to keep mother happy.

Your mom obviously has issues about gay. That is too sad for her because she is probably missing out on meeting some nice people.

It is YOUR house and YOUR choice to invite who YOU want. Let Mom stay home if she is afraid of the gay SO.

Keep peace or not, my mom would not tell me what to do in my house.

Hello, If she and your father are together (or even if they are not) would she like to be told that she couldn't bring him to any or all family gatherings. This cousin is in a relationship with his significant other and therefore they are a couple. Tell her you wouldn't tell anyone they couldn't bring their spouse or person they are involved with.
Good luck with your Thanksgiving gatherine.
K. K.

If your mom is the only one who has a problem with it, I would allow your cousin to bring his boyfriend to your home. Explain your feelings about it to your mom - how he shouldn't be left out, etc. Hopefully once she sees them together, she will feel a little more comfortable about the whole thing and realize that there isn't actually anything wrong with being gay.

I hope that, no matter what you end up doing, you have a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.

K.
http://oc.citymommy.com - looking to connect with other local moms? CityMommy is the place to be!

Definitely invite his SO too. Maybe just maybe your Mom will get to know this man a little bit and will like him. Perhaps it will help her to be a little more open minded.

You are hosting so this is your decision, not your mom's. Definitely include your cousin's SO. I'm all for keeping the peace with family but I could not sacrifice my values just to keep the peace. Good luck. Maybe your mom will learn something about love and acceptance from you.

tell mom not to come...god i hate that, my mil is the same stupid way...although i personally don't agree with gay's or lesbeian's i'm not going to iscolate or exclude someone because that's their way

it's your house if you have no prob...then mom can miss out if she can't leave her probs at her house. RIGHT?

I am not advocating for gay relationships, but in this case principles are principles. Because it is your house and you are the one hosting, you are at liberty to invite who you wish. Your M. will be uncomfortable and possibly upset, but she also has a choice not to come. For respect and peace of everyone, you could extend the invitation to your cousin but don't push or insist he brings someone for the sake that your M. will be there too. Let your cousin decide if he brings his SO or not, not you. At least he knows if he does bring his SO, you are ok with it. The key is invite everyone because it is your event and your house and let the people who are coming decide if THEY want to come or not.

Your home, your rules. Mom needs to either get over it or excuse herself. You serve a greater good by your demonstration of acceptance than by "keeping the peace". Let your mom know that you understand how she feels but that the example you want to set for YOUR children is one of tolerance. Good luck.

Came to this late and already saw your "What Happened?" All I can say is GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

Uphold the new traditions you've started in your home (invite the SO). Things only change when we take risks and introduce new situations.

Ask for and insist on peace in your home, no matter who attends.

Good luck!

Yay, I'm so glad your mom responded the way she did. I was going to tell you definitely invite whoever you want. It never works to try to please one person. This may change her for the better, not to be so prejudice!

.

I don't feel you should treat your cousin differently because your mother will be in attendance. It's like saying to your kids that she is right and your cousin should pretend to be someone else because your mother doesn't like it. It's not a very nice position to put your cousin in. Imagine that conversation....no sorry love of my life but you can't attend dinner because one person at the dinner wants to pretend that we haven't been together for ever. If that won't start a fight I don't know what will!! Your mother's problem is just that...her problem

I'm glad you made the right decision! Hopefully this will help her change her ways. I know if my aunt invited me over and did not invite my partner, I would not come. I'm actually a little surprised your cousin goes to her house!

If her bigoted attitude doesn't change, I fell very sorry for her. It sometimes amazes me that people put up with it. If your cousin's SO wasn't invited over because he was black, I think it would cause some issues. Why doesn't it cause issues that she won't invite his gay partner then?

That being said, I am very happy that you are inviting him!!

I believe your decision sets the rules of your home, though you respect your mother it is your house and you have always invited his significant other so why exclude your cousin and his partner now.

If you want your cousin there and they will be a welcomed addition invite them.

I think you are on the right track with letting him bring his SO. I think it would be unfair to let other people bring their dates and not him. And your mom will get over it! And if she doesn't...well...her problem. ; )

I know how you feel about keeping the peace, but this isn't the 50's, he should be allowed to feel accepted on Thanksgiving! Good luck, I know this is a tough decision to make, but just do what feels right to you (whatever that is!) and it will be okay.

It's good to respect your mom's wishes in her house. However, doing what she's wanting in your house is going too far when you don't agree with it. Not to mention that it is disrespectful to your cousin and his SO. You should do what you believe is right, regardless of your mom's reactions.

Just read your follow-up (why don't they make those viewable when responding from an email?). Go Mom! I remember how proud I was when my dad started dropping some of the bigoted ideas he'd been raised with. I told my husband my dad was growing up, lol. Maybe next time your mom has family over she'll lighten up on her own rules.

After reading every single response you got, I wondered how the dinner actually went? I am so thrilled that you ended up inviting everyone. 2 of my 3 stepbrothers are gay (one from my dads new marriage and one from my mom's) I have met and LOVE my dad's stepson and SO. My other stepbrother is having a harder time so I have yet to meet his SO. I think he expected his dad and my mom to be less than tolerant but in reality they love them both! I can't wait to get to meet him :)