Respecting Adults & Authority Figures

Yeah, she needs the reigns pulled in, big time. Why would you allow an ELEVEN year old to go to the movies without a parent? I don't understand that.

Also, if you're working both full AND part time...who's home with her? Who is home with her when she comes home from school? I guess I'm just baffled also that punishment for an eleven year old who got ARRESTED in a sense, was to take her computer away. Wow. Why does an eleven year old HAVE a computer? Does she have unrestricted internet use? I'm sorry, but KIDS have way too much freedom,not enough supervision, and then parents wonder why they get into trouble and don't behave.

Wow. Just wow.

bet you a million bucks she's got new friends. She's triing to be cool, wants to make the other kids think she's a rebel. I pulled these stunts, mom would ground me, take the phone away, it didn't matter. I would sneak one anyway. I used to have a back-up phone and would talk in the closet.
Maybe try the opposite, no punishment, but rewards.
Tell her if she stops you'll take her somewhere she really loves, or let her have a sleep-over.
Have the girls over to your place more often, rent movies for them, be the cool mom. Get into her circle so the friends trust you, than they'll help out when she acts out. Maybe they will tell her stop or we won't be able to come over anymore.
Make it a weekly reward she gets if she continues the good behavior.
I don't know, sounds like it might work?

p.s. Christine needs to chill out on the judgement, I didn't think that Mamasource was put up to bash on other peoples way they raise there kids. We are her to help eachother in a positive manner not WOW sarcastically.

Good luck D. and take this all very lighlty, do your best.

Kimberley has some good advice but I do not agree that it's too late to change how your daughter acts. It is common for teenagers to show lack of respect and what is important is to always have a consequence for that. At 11 this behavior is not already set in stone. She's trying things out.

I agree, that because she has not shown that she is responsible by sneaking into the movies and by mean teasing in the bathroom and then being disrespectful and not acknowledging that she was wrong, that she should not be allowed to go anywhere without your supervision or the supervision of another adult that you know and trust. Unsupervised time is earned by showing that one can be trusted.

But I also agree that 11 is too young to be unsupervised in today's world. When we were young we could go to the movies alone at that age because there were not the serious temptations of drugs, the frequent presence of pedophiles, and the influence of other teens who don't know how to behave. The world is a much more dangerous place than it was 31 years ago.

The age at which it's appropriate to do things without supervision depends on the child's maturity and trustworthiness. They have to know how to protect themselves and make good judgements about the people around them. And they have to be respectful of the law and people in authority and this includes law abiding adults such as the clerk from which they make a purchase, or not. This maturity and responsibility has to be proven over time. And with the realization that our brains do not fully mature until we're in our twenties. A large part of making good decisions is determined by the physical maturity of our brain.

Now to why she might be disrespectful. It is very true that parents are not always the reason for their child's misbehavior. A child can be loved and taught how to behave and still choose not to do so. But I'd recommend that you take a look at what influences are in your daughter's life. Are the significant people in her life respectful not only of authority but also of her? She could be modeling her behavior after someone she likes; for example her friends. Or she could be angry and upset about the way she perceives that other's do not respect her and she's dishing it back. Or she could be angry about any number of things and be dealing with it in this way. There is a reason she is acting this way and it will help if you find out what it is and help her deal with that.

I question if she is really making professionals mad. They may be frustrated and they may respond in an angry manner because that is the natural consequence to what they are doing. However, I wouldn't give not making them angry as a reason for her to be more respectful. I would say that they gave her the consequence that she got because she did wrong. If you don't want consequences including the anger that results she needs to be respectful. That's a subtle difference but an important one. It puts the responsibility back on her.

Could it be the attention you're giving now to your live-in boyfriend where as before you had your own seperate space from him? Maybe she is wanting your attention, try taking her somewhere, just the two of you for mother-daughter time and make it fun for both of you so you can bond. Also, what about her friends? Maybe they are a bad influence on her? Maybe next time she should be grounded from doing anyhting with them, but has to do community service or something like that.
Good luck!

It almost sounds like she is trying to find her nitch with the right group of friends... pier pressure can be amazingly hard to overcome. Does she act this way when her friends aren't around? It sounds a lot like he's trying to impress someone.
I have an 11 year old that I can see acting like this also... she's not disrespectuful to outside authority figures, but very disrespectful to me and sometimes her dad. I am also at my whits end trying to make her understand that talking back to me, rolling her eyes, calling me "your majesty" and asking if "I'm happy now" are not acceptable. Right now, she's been grounded with chores (my house is spotless to the point I actually ran out of things for her to do) for a week... and that's just going day by day, every day she earns another with her wonderful little attitude!
Anyways... I don't mind chatting if you would like. Feel free to write me back.

My heart goes out to you! My oldest daughter is only 8 and already I dread the tween years. Why do kids do these things? I believe that unless there's some major psychological issue, your daughter does hear and is aware and does care about the consequences of her behavior. Is this behavior new since you moved? Kids don't respond to emotions the same way we do. For example, when a child is acting out with anger, most commonly they are actually feeling very afraid and insecure. Fear is exhibited by anger. I recommend a counselor or someone who can be a confidant to her and provide some way for her to talk about why she's doing what she's doing. I know my kids don't always come to me with stuff but other moms will tell me what goes on at their house when my kids are there. Hope this helps, if only a bit!

No. What's done is done for the most part.

Either you have a really rough road ahead of you for a long time to come... because of her choices.

Or

She'll decide to take a step back from the peer influences, rebellion, and typical stupid teenage mistakes... because she's chosen to.

Eventhough the ball is in her court now...at this age and the years to come, that doesn't mean that you get to stop being Mom.

Sometimes being the Mom is just not fun at all.

Keep on doing what you've been doing. It sounds like you've been doing well so far and you probably still are. You're teaching her to respect authority, you're there for her when she's receiving a consequence, you're giving her consequences, and you're probably being consistant about it.

Did you know that it's not always the parents fault? Great parents who are loving, educating, attentive, caring, supportive, and wonderful in every way, can have kids that just plain 'ol make bad choices. She's old enough now to make choices on her own with quite a bit of knowledge about what she's doing... The sad part is that she is still a child and she still doesn't have FULL knowledge of what she's doing. Teens/children can sometimes get themselves into pretty heavy consequences that are clearly over their head and over their comprehension. That's the scary part. That's why the grown ups need to keep into perspective that if she's acting childish, well that's because she is a child still. She may be doing big bad girl behaviors but, she's still a kid.

From the police officer to the school principal, all of these people should be able to keep that perspective. They work with lots, and lots of kids. Some who are smart, yet nieve, like your daughter... some who are evil to the core... and some who are just plain stupid and will not "get it" for a long time. Out of all of the people she could have gotten herself in trouble with... it seems to me like these mature, individuals, have been placed in her path for a purpose.

Thank God, she didn't do something obnoxious to some freak, lunatic, with rage problems... Although she was irritating as all get out, all of you have the capacity to demonstrate self control and sturness when it comes to your anger and frustration with her.

She has been screwing up... But, it seems like God has given her some pretty soft places to land.

Well, I hope that you don't have a rough road ahead of you.

If you do...

You may end up becoming the "hated one", the "punisher", the "consequence giver", and you may be told that you don't HAVE TO BE that way (as if teenagers have any place giving parenting advice about themselves).

But from one mom of a teenager to another, all I can say is if I had a dime for every time I've said, "Yes, I have to be this way because I AM the Mom (not you) and I happen to love you so much that I can not allow this destructive behavior to continue. You deserve better than what you're getting yourself into; deary. So whether you understand me or not... and whether you agree with me or not... you are still grounded (or restricted) from the computer (or whatever)."

Teens seem to never understand, or accept the consequences of their actions and we, as parents, end up wondering (for years) if they ever "got" it at all.

If you have brought up your daughter to respect adults and authority figures, my next choice would be to check into the friends she hangs around with. Peer pressure is the biggest problem with teens & pre-teens these days. so many parents DO NOT teach thier kids any type of respect for others, therfore, they in turn look down on those who do. Be careful of the kids she hangs around with. If need be, get her out of there & be more careful about who she meets.
I know this is an almost impossible task. but it can be done.
Get her involved &/or interested in group activites, sports, afterschool clubs, etc. the kind of kids that get involved in these activities are more likely to have been taught or will be taught how to respect others and be a team player.
It worked with my son, & now, not only do I like his friends, but his grades have improved and i am getting compliments about him instead of complaints.
I hope all goes well, don't give up and DO NOT let her get away with it.
Take Care
Melody

It has been my experience that you need to not allow her to have any freedoms without knowing EXACTLY who, what, where, how and she ALWAYS has to have adult supervision. At 11 years old, she should not be going to movies alone with her friends anyway. These also sound like they are not the kind of friends that I think you should allow her to hang out with. We have a rule...no hanging out! If they want to go and do something...to have a purpose...like out to lunch, shopping (at an exact location...not mall), to a movie (get exact showing...take her to and from), etc.

She will act like she hates you for a few years. This is just the beginning, but if you allow her have freedoms after her behavior, you are showing her that you really don't care about what she does. She needs boundaries...really narrow ones!

It only gets worse from here if you don't get total control of her life..literally. Total supervision. I would recommend that IF she were to have any contact with her friends, it is only in front of you (via phone calls) and at your home only (with your supervision).

As far as stuff with the police and the school...I would tell them of your struggles and that you back them up 100% with the natural consequences that she gets. Counseling couldn't hurt either. Be in contact with her teachers and ask them what their opinions might be of your daughters struggles. Maybe she has just gotten into a wrong group of friends.

Middle school is the worst! Kids are the meanest and it is soooo hard to fit in. You just need to tell her that you love her enough to be with her during these consequences, but that is the choice she has made.

I know this is not the answer to all, but it is what I have had to do with my first born....coincidentally a girl as well.

Good luck!!! You are the teacher and police.

First of all, I am not a doctor this is only an opinion!
is there is a father figure in the picture.
She is yelling for your attention, and she wants to get it any way she can, she wants to feel love and respected but does not know how to get it. It may be a good idea for her and you to do things in your own with out the intervention of other people. try to gain her trust and with a lot of love and patient she will came around. very important try to teacher her responsability, make her volunteer at a conv. hosp or a place where there is people who may need the love and attention especially if they are sick. Only an opinion of a Real Estate mom.

Hi D.,

I have a 10 1/2 yo son so I can relate to the ATTITUDE. It sounds like your daughter maybe reacting to the new home situation w/ your long time boyfriend. I don't know if your boyfriend and daughter have a good relationship but this was a big change for everyone. You may thing about seeing a family counselor to help you get through this transition phase. Go have a mom & daughter day so see if your daughter will talk w/ you, there is something your daughter is angry or upset about that she is maybe not expressing in words.
Good luck!

I am the mother to a 13 year old and can relate to some of the attitude issues, but I cannot relate to the amount of freedom that your 11 year old has. My 13 year old is not allowed to go anywhere without adult supervision, period. She does not have her own computer, and is allowed on my computer only with adult supervision. She is only 11, just a kid. She needs to be treated like a kid. Maybe she feels like she has to grow up too fast and she is not yet equiped to do this. I definitely think that she needs alot more supervision, whether it be by you, your boyfriend, an after school program, or even a babysitter. There are WAY too many dangers out there for an 11 year old to be exposed to. Before I became a mommy, I worked with pedophiles, and I know that they seek out children that are left unsupervised. Some people think that I am too protective of my 13 year old, but the pedophiles I worked with prove that you cannot be too protective. That is just one of a million reasons to keep tight reigns on your daughter. She will be grown up soon enough. Try enjoying her childhood with her by allowing her and expecting her to be a child. Good luck.
A.

REMOVE HER DOOR... GIVE HER NO PRIVACY.. MAKE IT TO WHERE SHE IS NO LONGER ALLOWED TO GO ANYWHERE WITH FRIENDS AT ALL!!! THEY CAN COME TO THE HOUSE BUT FOR AN HOUR AT A TIME, NO LONGER, NO EXCEPTIONS.. TAKE A NIGHT OUT AND HIRE A BABYSITTER.. YES BABYSITTER, MAKE HER FEEL LIKE A LITTLE CHILD WITHOUT TELLIN HER SHE IS BEHAVING LIKE A CHILD.. GO THROUGH HER BACKPACK ON A DAILY BASIS, NO EXCEPTIONS. MEET WITH COUNSELORS AT SCHOOL WITH TEACHERS AND DO IT RIGHT AS HER SCHOOL DAY BEGINS SO THAT HER FRIENDS SEE HER (AN EMBARRASING FACTOR), WALK HER TO SCHOOL GATES, NO DANCES.. JUST MAKE IT UNBEARABLE WITH TELLING HER THAT LACK OF PRIVACY AND EMBARASSMENT MIGHT SHAPE HER UP..

D.,

I was that girl. With the police, my mom told me next time I go to jail. Police are real quick to help you put the scare into your kids if you ask for their help. She had me handcuffed and put in the back of the police car. Scared me to death.

Look at her friends. This could be a start to the problem. It was for me. It was trying to be the cool one and make it look like nothing was a big deal because that was the way they acted. Next, you might want to look at the home life. Have there been any big changes. That too was going on for me. We moved to a whole new state and I found out that my mom had breast cancer. I rebelled big time.

Stay strong on this fight. This is not an easy one and on top of it you have to do it alone. At least my mom had my dad to help. Some how some way put the scare in her and take away all freedom, TV, phone, cell phone, even walking to school. Let her know that he is going to be a miserable kid if she doesn’t knock it off and that she has to earn your trust back because right now she lost it all.

I can tell you that my mom is my best friend and I respect her more now that I am a mom. It just takes time.

Hope this helps and good luck.

L.
Nutritionist
www.herbalmom.com

Wow she sounds like me when I was her age. Try to be patient, for some reason she seems to think that this is a good way to get your attention. Try focusing on the positive things that she does and maybe some one on one time would help. Make sure that you are consistant with your punishment. Limit her now because later you wont have an option once she starts making older friends with cars.

Iam a mother of four, 12yr. 10 yr. 6yr. and 5. Three girls 1 boy. Feel free to e-mail me if you just need to vent, like we do at times.

I would have to say that she's going to need the "fear of God." By that, I mean the next time the police call you, tell them you'd like to teach her a lesson and have them take her to jail...obviously taking things away is not her "currency" and she needs to learn that there are consequences for her actions. It will be hard on you, as well as her, going through this I am sure...but it will be better for her in the long run.

Also, yes, take a look at her friends..it probably has to do with the cool factor aka peer pressure. I know that I did/said things that I knew were wrong just to "fit in", luckily my mom decided to "embrace" these "hooligan" friends and invited them over all the time...and when I saw how they behaved in MY house, I really didn't want to hang out with them anymore...especially since my mom was "cool with it"...know what I mean? I don't know if this approach would work in your situation...but I imagine it couldn't hurt! :) lol

Unfortunately, she will reap the consequences of her action one way or another...I pray that she can learn them soon without too much "damage" done...Oh, have you heard of "Love and Logic"? It's a disciplinary approach that is practical and no-nonsense...learning how to empower your kids to solve their own discipline issues. Our community college offers the workshops for free in our community...and I have read the book as well as seen the "seminar" on the PBS station...so you might want to look into it as well...it might help.

Good luck!

There have to be consequences for actions like this. I read a response from another mother on a different request, she suggested getting creative on the punishment like taking them to a park to pick up trash, etc.
There may also be an underlying problem, does she have issues with your boyfriend and you living to together? Perhaps you could set aside a certain time each week or month where the two of you could hang out and talk. Let her pick the activity.
Another suggestion to go to counseling, if she doesn't want to talk to you perhaps a counselor could help.Good luck.