Responsability for a Nine Year Old, DEFIANT Child Help!

My son is almost 8 and he will grouse for 20 minutes about doing a 2 minute task. Drives me nuts.
If you feel your daughter's attitude is extreme, have you ever considered she may have ODD? Oppositional Defiant Disorder? I'll bet your health care would cover an evaluation and therapy.
Good luck.

Skip the school and camps - I threatened to send my son to boarding school once if he didn't shape up and he asked me "When do I leave". He was about 9 at that time. Ultimately he knew I would not do it (aside from the fact that I couldn't afford it).

So I turned to the tried and true method of taking away privileges. Not just for a day, or a week, but until his behavior changed and stayed changed. Took him a month, with lots or starts and stops, to display a consistently improved attitude. The beauty of this, for me, was it put the burden of behavior changes on him - if he changed he got his privileges back. No fussing, yelling, or continued threats from me.

I also realized that my son does not do well with multiple part commands. E.g., Clean your room, do the laundry, feed the dogs. Too many things strung together and nothing gets done. So I made it a point to tell him I have a few things that you need to do. The first one is .... When the first was completed I told him the 2nd one, and so forth. This worked better for us until he got into the habit of what he needed to do. Then I could just remind him to do his chores.

Oh, occasionally he does blow his chores off, but for the most part he is pretty reliable about them. The biggest problem we have had lately is my picking up some of his chores since I have been laid off. He got out of the habit of some of his regular chores and now I have to constantly remind him to do them. My bad, literally, so I am working on being more consistent again.

Try the chore charts, visual reminders often work well with children. Sit her down and talk to her about the shared responsibilities of being a member of the household. I really like the mantra suggestion - turns out I have been doing that without realizing it. LOL

Once again try counseling - we have done that on and off. I call it a emotional checkup - just like he gets a physical checkup. It has helped both of us to talk to an objective third party.

As for schoolwork - I am still fighting that battle with mine at 14 years old. He understands that if he fails, he will have to repeat - I will not allow him to catch up or make up in summer school. Again, set clear consequences that you can stick to. Make sure she has a place to do her homework every night - I use the kitchen table as going off to their rooms leaves to much room for goofing off. If she has a planner talk to the teachers about checking it every day to ensure she has written her assignments down so you know what homework she has. Then check and be sure she has completed it each night. We struggled with this - there were some nights it was 10pm and he was still sitting at the kitchen table doing homework because he goofed off so much. It only took a couple of late nights for him to realize that it was easier just to complete the work then have Mommy make him stay up.

I think they all go through a defiant stage - yours sounds more strong willed than most. But with consistency things should get better.

ODD is a great possibility. My question for you is the question I had to ask myself for my son. Was it learned behavior or is it something else?

I agree with the one parent that said that going back to bare minimums works. I have done that twice to my son. He is 7 and I can tell you that while at first it was very hard and I feared others calling me cruel, that it worked better than any kind of discipline I've ever seen done anywhere in my life.

Counseling is also a good idea, however i don't suggest a camp even if you can afford it... I also believe that no good consulter would suggest a go away camp for a 9 year old.

The battle needs to take place in your house to grow your relationship with your daughter... I bid you good luck...

BTW: if the behavior happens at school as well I would definitely research ODD...

I have to commend you for making your child do chores. I make my 5 year old and my 2 year old do chores. We have the rule that you put your toys away or I get the big black trashbag out and "clean" for them (the stuff goes in my closet and they have to keep their room clan for 1 day to earn 1 toy back, this includes finding an "away" for that toy). If your child is as bad as I suspect (I have a feeling you are only showing the tip of the iceberg here)I suggest you read "To train up a child" but the Pearls. It is really hard knocks, but some kids do need it (this coming from a person that has 1 such curveball in her own family for 3 children).

I have a daughter that is similar in many ways. She's smart and sweet sometimes and very, very difficult other times. Very. A friend recommended a book to me called "Transforming the Difficult Child," by somebody Glasser. I haven't made it through the whole book yet, so I haven't really started on the techniques, but my friend said it was a godsend for dealing (positively) with her ODD-diagnosed, intense son.

I agree with Page W. If you want her room to be clean - do it together. Hire someone for the rest of the house if you can. Cleaning a completely out of control room is daunting for a kid - sort of like when I look at the entire house and can't decide - which room to start with, vacuuming or dusting, picking up stuff - where to start. So kids just won't start. Help her with this - let her know what to do first. Then what to do next. If a clean room (as opposed to a room where you simply will not injure yourself walking in at night) is important to you, do the extra yourself. If she has so much stuff she can't get it away in a reasonable time frame, then she has too much stuff. In a completely non-punitive way start whittling it down. Donate some to charity - a good lesson in any case.

How did she get the dishwasher assignment? Perhaps you can make a list of available chores and explain to her that everyone in the family does some. Let her pick which ones she wants. I personally HATE emptying the dishwasher and will wash an entire load of dirty dishes by hand rather than empty it. Maybe she feels the same way.

In my house, if you are responsible for feeding the family pet and you don't. You don't get to eat. The pet can't feed themselves. In my house I am required to feed, clothe and shelter you but I don't have to get you your favorite anything. If you want to act like a member of an asylum, you can eat like that too. So while we are feating on meat, vegetables, rice and dessert, little lovely can eat a simple tomato sandwhich with no condiments, a piece of fruit and water. Lunch will be what I provide probably along the same lines. Any of the luxuries of life that I provide, little lovely no longer has access to. I simply expect you to live like you belong to this family and in this family we each have things that we must do. We may not like them but we have to do what we have to do.

My opinion: are you seriously considering paying $20,000 for a school because your nine year old won't pick up her room?

Suggestion: pay about 1/10 of that, and you can get a really good maid who will clean your whole house.

First of all, many or most 9 year olds battle about cleaning their rooms. Right now, your home life is miserable. All because of a nine year old refusing to do her chores. Have you ever considered just not making her do any chores? Think how peaceful and easy your life would be. You could pick up her room in 10 minutes, you could unload the dishwasher in 5, and clean the cat box in 1. So for the sake of 16 minutes, you are having huge battles and considering spending thousands of dollars you can't afford on a school.

My kids are all responsible, reliable people, despite the fact that I made them do a very minimal amount of chores, because it was easier to do it myself than to micromanage them.

Forget the chores, they don't matter and it's not worth it. Just tell your daughter her job is to do well in school, do the chores yourself, and save the money and your sanity.