Retention Question Again After Finally Meeting with Teachers About My 1St Grader

Based on what you've written--I would hold her back. You are so close to the situation, it is hard to see. It sounds like she is barely getting by--do you want that for the next decade of school???

i'd follow the professionals' recommendations. the reasons for retaining her are all very smooshy.
khairete
S.

Teachers may be under pressure to promote her as someone said bc of cost pressures from the principal. Happened to a friend and she really wishes they had held back.

Listen to your gut. Hold her back.

Please don't let her move up. I could have written this exact post about my niece. You are right, this comes down to middle and high school. My nieces struggles began in middle school. She was a straight A student until 8th grade. She couldn't hande all that was expected of her. She cried about being the youngest and how she never fit in. She begged to be held back but the school refused to hold her back. She started failing every class. Although she has a strong supportive family, it didn't matter. This would have been her senior year but she dropped out, she basically had a nervous breakdown.

My sister should have listened to her gut and my nieces pleads that she didn't feel ready to move up. But the kindergarten, first grade teacher and other school officials pressured her and now where are they while my niece is a mess.

Just remember all the academics and peer pressure get more intense in middle & high school, then your really screwed.

I would retain her. The teachers can make recommendations but you know your daughter best, go with your gut here. I read your previous post about your daughter being very shy, while being shy is not a reason to retain a child at all, it could help boost her confidence some. I think the fact that you already have several concerns about moving her forward and the fact that bday wise she should be in K, it's a no brainer.

Also, I don't agree with the teachers telling you it will hurt her socially. The teachers should be using this opportunity to "build her up" and make her one of the leaders in the class. She will make new friends. If you are going to retain a child, K or 1st grade are the prime grades to do it in.

Forget right now for a minute and fast forward to high school. She will be 13 when she enters high school. What is the legal driving age in your state? When do you plan on "allowing" her to start dating (hehehe, because we all know how well THAT can go!)? It used to be that the legal driving age was 16, but I believe it has gone up. Many families don't want their children dating until they are at least 16. Your daughter will not reach this age until her SENIOR year!

As a high school teacher, I see all sorts of things, and one of them is that a lot of senior boys flirt with the freshmen girls (same maturity level?) :). Do you want to worry about an 18 year old senior dating your 13 year old daughter? I dare you to try to forbid it...when it is forbidden it is all the more enticing, especially to a 13 year old girl.

What about curfews and the ability to get a job to earn money for college?

What about the fact that she will be 17 when she potentially moves away for college? How about having to have Mom or Dad's signature on all of your college stuff, because you weren't at a legal age to sign your own paperwork?

I see these things as a high school teacher, but I also experienced some of them, because I didn't turn 18 until after I graduated high school and started college. I was academically ready and at the time I even thought I was socially ready. Looking back, I really regret being young for my class. I couldn't drive or get a job until my junior year. I always remember having to bum rides off of people, and I never had money to help pay for gas, so I felt like a perpetual mooch. There was no way I wanted my mom to have to drive me everywhere (how embarrassing to my teenage self).

On a separate note, studies show that a student who is academically behind will only continue to get further and further behind until a major intervention happens. A 3 month delay at kindergarten can turn into a 1-2 year delay by the time that student is entering high school.

Go with your gut. Hold her back this year. I promise you won't regret it later. :)

I would NOT move her up. I just would not. She will struggle for years because you didn't do this NOW.

This teacher will never have to deal with your child in the years to come. This should not be her decision.

Please do what is right for your daughter for the coming years. It's NOT just about being tutored over the summer to catch her up. It's about the fact that she's so young and she is NOT mature enough to process all the work in her head. I would not just consider the Rigby testing. It's just one small piece of the puzzle.

Well, to me, age alone is not a good reason to make ANY decisions regarding schooling. My husband and I both have mid-October birthdays. I graduated at the top of my class at 17 years old in high school, and went on to an Ivy League college, where I also did well. Obviously age didn't hold me back. My husband is a successful business owner, so his age didn't hold him back. My youngest started school a full year early (kindergarten at 4 years, 3 months) and now, as a 4th grader, has just moved on to 6th grade math. My oldest daughter has a mid-September birthday and has always been a straight-A student and very popular among her peers. I could go on, but the point is, age is not a good reason to make this call.

The ONLY factors you should consider are her academics and her maturity. The teacher said she is definitely mature enough for second grade. Okay, so how about academics? The bilingual program may be muddying the waters here a little bit. My kids both attended a bilingual school from preschool through 1st grade, and I can tell you that sometimes learning everything bilingually can cause a child to start off being a little bit behind in language arts. BUT, studies do show that they catch up later on, and then pass up their peers. So the language part of this doesn't worry me so much. (By the way, is she in the 76th percentile, or did she get 76% as a final score? 76th percentile is actually a fantastic score.) The math, you can certainly catch her up on that at home. Did her school use Common Core math? If so, it's a miracle she even got 65%. The new way they're teaching math is mind-boggling. First grade math isn't that hard. Work with her at home and see where she is in July. It could be she just didn't get one or two key ideas, and once she masters them, she will be fine. Ask her teachers for specifics.

Forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn, but it seems like overall (I'm saying this about this and previous posts), you don't seem to have much confidence in your daughter. Why? Is she really as fragile and incapable as you think? I'd really take the teachers' advice on this, work with her over the summer, and send her on to 2nd grade. The thing I'd question is, why is your daughter begging to be held back? I have never, ever in the history of time, heard of a child asking not to move forward with their friends. Are her classmates not very nice? Does she not like the bilingual program? What's going on there? Maybe that's worth digging into a little more.

Good luck with your decision.

You know, there's one very important, expert opinion that matters here, and that's your daughter's. The reason I'm opposed to grade retention in 90+ percent of cases is because it has a negative impact on children's sense of themselves. Here, it sounds like it'd be overwhelmingly positive for your daughter. And the most important thing a child can take away from elementary school -- more important, even, than knowing how to read -- is feeling GOOD about school. A child who's been drilled in all the information, who aces all the tests, and who is miserable in school? That's not a kid who's going to succeed.

All that said, your daughter probably COULD do okay, with tutoring and encouragement and all that. But what's the rush? Childhood is such a quick, sweet, exhausting blur as it is. Why push her faster than she wants to go?

You know what you need to do. She knows what she needs to do. Let her repeat the year. The teachers may well be encouraged not to hold kids back. I am sure they have to report how many kids they hold back to the state, possibly with explanations. You know that you are only worried about your daughter's well being. Read all of your posts in a row- the answer is clear.

Trust the teachers and get behind them. Your daughter must be sensing your own anxiety to be saying she wants to stay behind. There is NO reason she should be privy to this decision.
I was held back in 1st grade after my parents divorce. We moved to a new school where tge curriculum was entirely different and I could not grasp it. I hated being held back and felt that I carried a stigma throughout the rest of my school years. I wish my mom would have worked with/encouraged me-or put me in summer school. At least TRIED something other than just accepting retention. I always looked at the grade above me as where I *should* have been.
Last year my first grader wanted to be held back. She loved and trusted her teacher and wanted to stay with her. I encouraged her to move forward and talked often about the great things to come in second grade. She now LOVES her second grade teacher and the few struggles she has had (most recently division) have ended with increased self esteem. In other words-once she gets it she is ready to open the front door and yell out how proud she is.
Try not to stress about it so much. Sounds like your emotions are being felt by others.

I say if your gut says retain her, and she's all for it, then that's what you should do. If you/she find that she's bored, then see about moving her up mid-year.

It seems to me that if she turns 7 in September, she can't be that much younger than the rest of the kids. I don't know what your cut-off date is, but I would imagine she is only a few months older than some of the other kids.

I too have a September birthday so I would have turned 5 on or around the first day of school. I can say that I don't recall that being a problem at all and further that I was not really that aware of it except when people had birthdays. IMHO, she feels the age difference because it's being made a big deal about by others. I doubt that if no one would have mentioned it, that she would really be that aware of it/concerned about it.

However, I'm all for letting a child experience academic success. If she is struggling in 1st grade, then let her repeat it so she can enjoy academic success and be in the right frame of mind to move on to 2nd grade. I think at this point it's been discussed enough around/with her that if you don't retain her, you are going to have a very unhappy, unmotivated 2nd grader.

One thing I'd add - all the adults saying they were young etc and did so well is interesting but I think times have changed. I was young too as my sister was and it was never an issue and we were excellent students etc. But this isn't about how smart we all are. It's about what your daughter needs and kids are red shirted now which was very rare when we were kids. So now being young can be really young. They also expect more from kids academically now than they used to at a young age so I think that's a big factor. I do think her wanting to be a leader and liking her teacher are not good reasons to hold her back but I do think 65% on math is a reason...

I think I responded to your previous post - I was the youngest in my class. I didn't turn 18 until the July after graduation. I HATED IT! I was always the youngest, a year behind all of my friends in their mile marker events in life. As well, with 20/20 hindsight, I was mature enough in one way but not in the ways that matter when it comes to academics. I could hold a conversation w/ an adult, I had great manners and understood rules & followed them with no difficulty BUT I was always struggling academically - always just a little bit behind. I was an average student with B's & C's. I think if I had been a year older with more confidence, I would have done much better and participated more, along with asking more questions.

Go with your gut! It will rarely fail you :) Good luck! Your daughter is lucky to have you in her corner.

Let her repeat. I am very surprised at the teachers pushing to promote her because of social reasons! You have listed many very good reasons to hold her back, most important of which is her own desire to repeat. Better for her to stay back now, and get a good early foundation, than to move on to second grade and struggle there...and struggle again in third...and so on. It becomes MUCH harder socially to have a child repeat a grade as the child gets older; it's easier to do so when a child is in the lowest grades like K or first. Right now you can give her the gift of more time -- give it and hold her back. You already have excellent reason why, and they are not just about a gut feeling; you have specific academic reasons (she would have issues leaping from K level Spanish to second grade Spanish; midyear she was struggling with reading and math) and specific social reasons (you are right that being the youngest in class when she's in middle school and HS will be more of an issue that it is now).

The fact that her reading and math scores reached 76 percent and 65 percent doesn't tell me a lot. It says she made those scores on standardized tests that may or may not really indicate how confident and comfortable she is with those subjects.

Give her the additional year in first. The teachers say she could "hold her own" in second but do you want her just "holding her own" or do you want her thriving and excelling?

Sounds like there are more reasons to retain her. If, however, you decide not to retain her she will not be a whole year younger than all of the kids correct? It sounds like with a September birthday she just missed the cut off date in your district and if you lived else where she may have even made the cut off date.

I do not understand what's the rush in moving her onto 2nd grade. Follow your instincts, YOU know your kid better than anyone and even better than the teacher. Your child has so many years ahead to learn and be the best. Let her enjoy school, and the love for learning; encourage her to learn and go the extra mile but at HER pace and within her comfort zone (now it seems that she is not in her comfort zone). People can tell me whatever, but what I see here is that your little one is not ready for 2nd grade, she needs to be where she needs to be, period. She is being asked or expected too much from her. She is smart, yes, but she is struggling in other areas, why to keep pushing and making her to do this and that...she is so young!
Many kids now days graduate at 16 yo or 17 yo and most of them have no idea what they want to do with their life after high school, and many others are not academically well prepared for college. So, please do not hesitate more, do not struggle with this decision any longer. Just think of the time your kid will have to actually learn what she needs to learn to be ready; there is no rush. Your goals for your child are totally different from the goals of your school's child if you know what I mean.

A. :)

This is really your decision to make and it sounds like (I'm not exactly sure) you and your daughter are on the same page so I think you have your answer.

My daughter is now 17 but when it was time for her to start kindergarten, I was concerned about her being able to complete the full year. She had previously been very attached to me. So I started her in a "young fives" class and then the next year she re-did kindergarten. All the teaches said there was no reason to keep her there, she was mature and academically fine to be in the next grade. However, I was sure my decision was the right one for her. I wanted her to be ready to do school and ready to move up each year. She is now 17, and just finishing up her sophomore year in high school, and she is doing great. Being older comes with it's ups and downs, but I believe that knowing her as only a mom can, I made the choice. She is in the perfect spot. She gets along a lot better with the kids who are younger than her. Others never understood, but I know I did what was best for my child. So I asked myself a question, "With the choice I have to make for her, which consequences can I live with?" Could I handle the consequence of her struggling through every year of school (peer pressure is hard enough) OR could I handle the consequences of being wrong and having to move her up later. I chose the latter, and I believe that your daughter being on board with the decision to move her is a huge blessing! Good Luck!

I trust a moms gut feeling. It has always lead me to make the right decisions for our child. I ALWAYS had a discussion on her level to hear what she felt she needed or could do.

In this situation I would definitely want my child to have her say and feel like we really listened to what she needs. And so I would retain her. I would thank the teachers for working so well with her for making their suggestions, but tell them YOU are willing to take responsibility for this final decision.

Mom, NO REGRETS!

Just so you know in CA it is very hard to retain a child. Once in the grade the child will be promoted forward. It is expensive to retain (so starting late is recommended before with the extra year of preschool). The public school will not come out and admit this, but if the parents spend the extra money in private preschool for kids with the Summer/Fall b-days it helps the system. The people who put their kids in kindergarten with the legal minimum b-day will move on to 1st. The school is out for the bottom line (money) not your kid.

I would trust your instincts.

Also, what is taught in school is different from 12 years ago. I always see post from grandparents who say "I sent my child and they turned out okay." I am an adult now and fine, but was 16 graduation year. I was not mature when I moved away to go to college. I did it and I survive and yes it was a tier one university.

Here is the problem as I see it, we don't know your daughter. We have never met her, we don't know what this school is like, what her friends are like, nothing. We only know your fears and concerns and your teacher's recommendations.

Sorry but you have to work through this yourself. The worst thing you can do is listen to anyone here saying do this or that.

My first question would be exactly what and how much tutoring and work is she going to need over the summer? Because, if it is more than just a minor tweak, then it sounds like a terrible precursor to years and years of stress and struggles and endless hours outside of school to make up for being a bit behind.

I also wonder why she WANTS to be retained in 1st grade, rather than going forward into 2nd. Never heard of a child asking for that. Why? There is something there... is she concerned she can't hack it? That seems pretty heavy thoughts for a 1st grade kid. And if it is that, why does she feel so inadequate/incompetent?? Where is that mind set coming from? Most kids are excited to move on. At the least, they might be ambivalent... but to actually ask to stay back? Just what in the world is the problem (or problems?) that have her asking for this?
Yes, I'd say you need to dig a little deeper into that.

Bilingual does confuse things a bit... but I am not aware of it affecting math skills? Are they teaching her math in the 2nd language as well?

It sounds like the most ideal of situations to be able to retain in 1st grade, to be honest. Particularly the bit about Spanish for 1st grade this coming year vs. Spanish for 2nd grade (one is on target, the other will be pushing the kids and moving extremely fast to make up for lost ground). Pushing that 2nd language beyond what they have been taught, will just be one more area that she is going to have to be super engaged and willing to work hard to keep up. And I'm sorry, but, I just don't feel like 2nd grade should be full of so much worry and stress.
AGE is not the reason to retain her, however. In my opinion, she is right where she should be by age. I have a September birthday also.. and I went off to college at age 17. I was also a straight A student throughout my entire K-12 schooling and earned full ride academic scholarships. As it was, I was nearly bored to tears during the last 20 minutes of most of my classes each day, b/c I was done, and there was nothing to do but sit quietly.

I am not the least bit concerned about her age (and sounds like her teachers are not either). But the work they seem to expect her to need to put in over the summer is a bit troubling, when you add that to the unknown reason(s) your daughter is asking to repeat the grade.

I will share our experience. We held both kids back.

With our daughter, she was held back in the 3rd grade. Was she passing? Barely. The teachers recommended her moving to 4th grade. I fought it. My daughter was struggling enough as it was, I knew if we moved to 4th, she would not be successful and she was already resenting school. I wanted her to be successful in school. Each grade is building on the other and if your foundation is built on sand, your building will sink.

She was the youngest in her class as well. Her birthday is at the end of August. At that time, the cut off date was October 1. I do not for one minute regret our decision. She bloomed! In high school she was in national honor society and graduated in the top of her class.

We held our son in kinder. At that time, kinder was 1/2 day. Had it been a whole day, he would have moved up. He also was the youngest. His birthday is in Sept. and cut of was Oct. 1. His was maturity not academic. I question that decision. I think he was bored in elementary school and then just got lazy. Obviously, he didn't realize he was being held back because the next year kinder was all day! I should have fought that more and been a better advocate for our son.

Make sure you are making the decision for the right reason. Just because SHE wants to be held back doesn't mean it is the right decision. Personally, I would move her up and work with her over the summer.

That being said, you know your child best.

My daughter was your daughter years ago. She is the youngest in her class and 2 days from the cut-off. She is now in middle school and a straight A honors student. I did extra practice sheets over the summer with her from 1st to 2nd and summers moving forward she caught up. She had already made friends in first and still is friends best friends actually from that grade on. Keep moving forward and working hard good lesson for life :)