Rubbing at School

well, my question to you is if you have asked her why she is doing it? I am wondering if maybe she is somewhat itchy??? It may not be a self gratification type of scenario. Maybe she has a yeast infection, or is not cleaning herself or wiping well and gets itchy....that is the only thing that I can think of that might be going on besides the other. Maybe you should ask her....... Good Luck - I wish I had some miracle advice to give, but this is the best I've got this time.....sorry ;0)

I would ask her if it itches, or if she does it because it "feels good" she may be having a yeast infection, in that case - she needs something to take the itch away. Just a thought.

I second the doctor / counseler thing. Could easily just be exploring, itching, or pleasure; but on the other hand it could be more serious. I don't want this to sound accusing or anything so please don't take it that way, I am just concerned...I used to watch 3 children who had great relationships with their parents. One started showing wierd behaviors and come to find out, the dad had been sexually abusing all the children for years. I hope this is not the case with your child, but I've known lots of people who were sexually abused and all of them were by someone that should have been trusted (sibling, parent, cousin, family friend). I definately think your daughter should be evaluated by the doctor & counseler. I used to pleasure myself alot as a child, but always in private. To me it sounds like there is more of the story.

The fact that your daughter has promised it will stop, and then been unable to follow through shows that she is listening to your requests, but something is making her go back to that behavior. I agree with a lot of the other posters. Ask her why she is doing it. I had terribly sensitive skin in that region as a child, and the slightest change in soap or paper or laundry detergent sent my pee-pee ablaze, and I itched and rubbed all the time. My mom kept bringing me back to our trusted pediatrician who ruled out yeast infections and UTIs over and over, but finally picked up on a key word in my answer when my mom asked me why I rubbed so much. It's not that it made me feel good, it "made me feel better." My mom assumed "better" was in the emotional sense, but I still remember Dr. Wyzalec saying, "Wait. Feel 'better?' How does it feel when you don't do it?" And I told him "itchy and hurty." He told my mom to find all-cotton panties and make sure they were loose, to let me go panty-less at night and "get some air down there," switch to organic/all natural laundry soap and body wash, and toss out all the bubble bath in the house. My mom also came with me a few times to the potty to give a refresher course on proper cleaning. Within a month, I was no longer rubbing or scratching.
My nephew, on the other hand, kept at it, despite my sister telling him over and over again that it was "a private bedroom activity." He was pretty open about his reason for groping: "I like it!" he declared. She was at her wit's end, but refused to outright punish him for it because she didn't want to make him feel shamed, and then some of the other kids caught my nephew groping himself and teased him. He never did it in public again. And I think the short embarrassment in class had fewer ill effects than shaming or punishing him at home would have. And I don't think the kids who saw him going at it suffered any trauma. Maybe your daughter just needs to keep being reminded that this is a private activity, and it'll take her a while to get the hang of some self-control. You son won't be traumatized by her behavior, and probably won't even notice it unless you say something or make a big deal. My sister used to just "psst" at my nephew and when he looked up, she'd gently shake her head and point to his room to remind him that it was a private, bedroom thing.
Good luck...

How old is she? This is also key.
Younger children, toddlers/ older babies may do this but it is normal exploration.

Is your daughter very young, or older?

She does not seem able to control her compulsions, otherwise she would stop, at school and other more public areas, besides at home. The "punishments" do not seem to work, because she is not misbehaving on purpose per say, but rather cannot control herself... seemingly.

I would, talk to your Pediatrician...
Also, and not to bring worry... but sometimes a child acts out this way, if there is something wrong, or they have been touched or what not.
Or, does she have any itching there? Or infections?

I would, take her to the Doctor.
Most Teachers will say if they have dealt with this before, and her Teacher says she never encountered this before. So I am sure she is being tactful about this...

All the best,
Susan

Hi Momma-
There are a couple of things you might want to check out. The first is whether or not it is a feel good thing or a "tick." It might even be a combination of the two. All I can say is that when I was little, I had this permanent itch. My mother took me to doctors, etc. Nothing worked. My own family made fun of me because I could not help it. Then it escalated to pulling out eyelashes and picking at my skin, etc. I found out later that these are ticks, forms of depression, and stress in children. From what I understand, even the feel good ones can be a sign of something else. The other issue is that she may be addicted to the feeling it gives her, and it is something she can control. Don't freak out about it with her, but DO take her to see a therapist- an art therapist or even a sex therapist. Is there some stressor in her life that is triggering her need for self gratification? These are some of the questions I wished my mother and father had asked when I was 7, instead of treating me like I was doing something wrong. I really felt like I couldn't help it with the picking and scratching and pulling out of eyelashes. It took years to change into those behaviors, and years more to stop them. SO, on that note, take her to see someone, get her some help as far as behavioral modification is concerned, and make sure that mentally every thing is in order. You should not outwardly freak out over this, but be concerned enough to take action. Sometimes a little embarrassment will do the trick, but clearly not in this case. It's okay to struggle with it, and it's okay for you as a parent to struggle with how to handle this. There is nothing wrong with you or your skills as a parent. It's just something that needs to be checked out both mentally and medically for your daughter. My trigger was a suicidal grandmother and being a typical middle child. My parents felt I would be okay because I was "independant" but never really bothered to check, thinking that since I was pretty normal in their eyes, I would grow out of it and these things were just medical anomalies. They were not. All I can say is that you are better safe in checking all avenues than not, and wishing later on that you had.
I hope this helps, and I hope your daughter's behavior improves and that your stress levels go down.

All the best of luck to you.

I am dealing with the same thing with my 6 year old daughter. And just yesterday I had a talk with her Kinder teacher that she has caught her doing this at school in her chair and in music class. I was totally emabarrassed.
We have been dealing with this with her since she was probably 3 years old. She got first stimulated by her car seat and the belt in between her legs.
Now we catch her with her hands between her legs at night and when she is watching tv. After we spoke with her doctor, he told us that it was normal and to send her to her room to do it. We tried that for awhile but it just felt so awkard to be telling her that. As well, it kept happening at other times too. I was worried when she started school. We spoke with her and told her it wasn't appropriate to do that in public and we thought she wasn't doing it until now. I think we have prob been giving her misxed message so she is confused along with not being able to control herself. Well, my husband and I both agreed that from now on the best thing is to tell her that it is no longer acceptable anywhere, anytime. At home, school, etc. And if she does decide to do it, she will be punished. There is no confusion here and like anything else, we have to help her control herself when she cannot just like any other discipline problem. We just keep praying that God will lead us in the right direction on where to go/what to do about this. And as of now, we believe this is the best way to handle it. I def feel for you becuz I am in your shoes!

This is very difficult, I'm sure. The important thing is to look at what is causing her to rub herself. Does she have some sort of yeast infection that she is itching? Or, is it possible that she has been tampered with sexually? I know this is not something people want to look at, but this form of gratification indicates to me, a former counselor of sex offenders, that she has is repeating something. I hope I am wrong. I would sit down and reassure her that she can come to you with anything and then start informally asking her questions in situations that are not-threatening. Like in the car or somewhere else. But, definitely, look at what is driving the behavior. If she could stop she would but something is overriding her desire to please her parents and teachers. good luck and God bless.

Your question has drawn out some of the most thoughtful advice I have yet seen on this site. You may be frustrated and embarrassed, because even if you yourself think it's normal for a child to like these sensations (I certainly do), it's quite another matter when the rest of the world can see and critique what she is doing. What a spot to be in, I feel for you. By the way how old is she?

I think you have to thoroughly check out all the "worst case" scenarios (inappropriate touching etc.) just to have peace of mind about it. I certainly hope it's just normal little girl feelings. But if it's not, well better find out now.

As for getting her to stop...on the assumption that there is nothing really bad going on...Perhaps her pediatrician could try explaining to her one-on-one why she needs to not do this in public? Has the teacher taken her aside to talk about it with her, or just sent notes to you? Perhaps, if she has not yet spoken to her directly, the teacher could ask her calmly to try to stop, perhaps by telling her that all the moving around (for whatever purpose) is distracting to other kids and preventing her from doing her best listening?

Good luck and keep your spirits up.

When I was that age, I itched a lot due to the bubble bath being too strong at bath time. It was causing a uninary tract irritation that burned something awful for awhile after I would go to the bathroom. Ask her if it hurts or itches after she pees. Take her to the Dr and make sure it's not a yeast infection. Try no bubble bath for awhile and/or make sure all soap is rinsed off completely after bath or shower. Make sure she stays hydrated so the pee is not super concentrated and strong. Have her snack on yogurt and drink cranberry juice. I could be wrong, but I don't think this is masturbation. Kids usually just scratch where it itches and don't even think about it.

I think you should make an appointment with the doctor.

Dear C.,
I think the first thing to figure out is why she is doing this. Is she "gratifying" herself or is she itchy?
I remember the days when you had to have a prescription for yeast infection medication and everytime I had to take a certain antibiotic I would get an infection that itched so bad it drove me crazy. And, it never seemed to fail it would come on on a Friday afternoon and I'd have to suffer until Monday and get the cream. It's obviously not appropriate to be clawing at yourself in public or at work and I admit I wiggled around a bit trying to keep it as inconspicious as possible because I was in agony. Poison oak, chicken pox, none of it compared to that kind of itch that just doesn't go away on it's own.
I would take your daughter to the doctor to rule out any type of infection or rash.
If she is doing it for gratification purposes, the doctor can help explain that her body is capable of feeling certain sensations and there is nothing wrong with her when it comes to that, but she can't just go around gratifying herself whenever and wherever she feels like it. It's simply not acceptable. Just because she gets an urge, it doesn't mean it's okay to satisfy it around anyone. I don't know how old she is, but I can assure you that she wouldn't like some little boy who sits next to her in class yanking on his weiner all day in front of everyone. It would make her feel uncomfortable. It makes others uncormfortable when she's "rubbing" herself.
Take her to the doctor and hopefully then can help you get to the bottom of this.
Good luck.

maybe she itches. maybe she has a yeast infection or UTI ?

I would take her to your pediatrician first to make sure she doesn't have an infection (ie yeast or fungal) which itches and thus making her rub herself. Then I would see a child psychiatrist if the problem becomes more pronounced. A hypnotist can also greatly help.

You don't say how old your child is.

You told her where NOT to do it, but did you tell her where TO do it? You should not have said, "don't do that at school," but instead said, "that is only to be done alone in your room."

I would stop punishing her. You've given this a lot of power by reacting it to it negatively so start praising her when you see she's NOT rubbing herself or hasn't done it t school. I agrree to ask if she's tiching. As all others have said, rule out the medical thing first & then go for the mental part. It's not wrong to masturbate which is what you may have gotten across to her now unintentionally. It's just not appropriate to do it how she's doing it. Maybe set up a time of the day that she CAN do this, say right when she gets home from school & make it very clear that she can always do it alone in her room or while in the tub alone. Best of luck!

So please tell me an update! I am dealing with this right now with my 8 year old and have been for 3 YEARS!! Teachers have been patient and helpful but are worried that kids will start teasing her. I am at a loss too because we have tried everything, positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, ignoring, doctor visits to check for yeast and urinary infections. We realize it is a comfort issue like thumb sucking, nail biting, nose picking, etc but happens to be something society frowns upon in public. Would love to hear some updates since this was several years ago. Praying that they will say that she eventually grew out of it.

I would definitely take her to a doctor. If you have ever had a yeast infection they itch something horrible! It is possible she has one and can't control herself from scratching. When you have made sure it is nothing physical you may want to have her checked out by a psychologist, there may be other under-lying problem.

Is it itchy? Or is she just doing it because it feels good? sometimes if it is itchy girls will itch it and irritate it even more. Can you check and make sure she doesn't have a rash or irritation?

When I was a kid I had an older female neighbor friend who liked to masturbate in front of me. She was 14 and I was 10. She would rub herself on doors and toilet seats to stimulate herself. I think I was a little shocked at her behavior. I'm guessing that your daughter does this because it feels good, just as my friend did but I'm guessing that she's a lot younger and doesn't understand the inappropriateness of the behavior. I would explain what's going on with her body...how she is becoming a woman and that you understand that rubbing herself feels good. I would guess that it's a new feeling and she's very excited about it.I wonder if some kids are just more attracted to this kind of behavior? To re-assure myself I would see a child psychologist. I have a referral for one in Walnut Creek if you are interested. Good-luck.

decent advice so far. You know your daughter best, Is she bored in the class and doesn't have enough to do that she lets her mind wander and then starts to Rub? Or could she be anxious about something in the classroom, strict teacher, not understanding the materials, a bully, something like that and is using it as a calming behavior?
If it were me i would have the dr do a check first for a yeast infection, I would also think very very hard about any inapporiate touching from an adult, and i would also talk to her calmly, find out what is going on at school.
I am curious to know how much she is doing this at home? It's pretty to normal to do it at night when she is falling asleep but to do it instead of playing seems weird to me.
Good luck

Apologies if you already got this answer, but I didn't take time to read wht the others said! You didn't say how old your daughter is, but I am assuming that she's in grade school, not preschool. Probably she does this to sooth herself under stress because it feels good... maybe you can talk to her teacher about what the rest of the class is doing when your daughter starts up. Is it when she is doing independent work/ Only during a certain subject? Maybe if you can pinpoint what triggers her to start, you can help her redirect to an appropriate soothing/ relaxation method such as a rubbing a worry stone or squeezing a sponge ball or tapping her fingers on her knees. Obviously it won't be the same sensation, but it may keep her focus away from that area! Another idea is to ask her teacher if it is OK for your daughter to get up ad take a walk around the room; go get a drink of water, go take a book from the shelf, or something that will get her out of her seat and moving. My final suggestion is to ask if you daughter can sit cross-legged with a lap desk on the floor for a while- then there is nothing to rub on. Maybe just breaking the pattern will be enough to help her break the habit. It sounds like it is more automatic than conscious since she promised but was unable to keep that promise.

Best of luck!

Have you had her checked for a yeast infection? Perhaps its an itch and not real "rubbing." I know when i have one it makes me want to itch like crazy, and it looks like rubbing, and its not something that is easy to stop as an adult, much less a child. Good luck.

You probably should consult a child psychologist or psychiatrist to help find out what is driving this compulsive masturbation. She may be anxious and this could be a way to soothe herself.

A little about me: Mother of a19 yo boy and 13yo girl, married 21 years, and a practicing child psychiatrist in Palo Alto

Have you asked her why she does it? If she just likes the way it feels then the "only in your room" thing makes sense, but the fact that she's rubbing against furniture makes me think she may be uncomfortable UNLESS she rubs, which leads me to believe she could have a yeast infection.

Take her to the doctor and get her checked out. Yeast infections are SUPER common even in little girls, especially because she's old enough to wipe herself but maybe not old enough to be reliable about always going front to back etc.

I personally wouldn't punish her for rubbing at school. She already knows you don't want her to do it and feels ashamed of it, but for some reason she feels she must. Focus on getting to the bottom of the why.

Hope this helps.
T.

If your daughter does say it's itchy, it may not necessarily be a yeast infection. She could be allergic to the bleach in the school's toilet paper...seriously. It took 15 years for me to finally determine the cause of my itch after numerous Gyno's told me it was yeast (without even taking a culture). As long as I buy toilet paper that hasn't been treated with bleach and use very mild soap in the shower, there's no itch. Trader Joe's and Whole Foods carry the non-bleach toilet paper. I think Costco now carries it too. If it is yeast, cut out the sugary, processed foods and cut back on grains.