Sacrificing Family for...family?

I get what you're saying. I would never want my husband to work two or three jobs so I could stay home all the time. That seems unfair to both him and the kids, and talk about stress!
If I needed to work, I would, even if that meant working evenings and weekends to save on childcare. I've known a few women who've done just that. Not only did they help their families financially, but their husband's got precious time with their kids. Win win :-)

All I know is that I am a very independent person and not one to be taken care of. I could never sit home while my hubby worked more than 1 job. I would not have children I couldn't afford to pay daycare for. That's why I stopped at one.

I haven't read all the responses, but Gamma's is very close to how I feel about it. And I don't see you as judging - I understand exactly what you are asking. I don't think that there are necessarily rigid gender roles strictly at play, though. There never have been in my family.

Dawn

Even if I worked hubby would work long hours --it's the nature of his job. I don't feel like we sacrifice much. My hubby makes a decent amount of money, I'm frugal, and we have more than enough family time on weekends.

Let me tell you a story. When I was working on my Ph.D. prior to marriage, I cleaned houses for money. I cleaned this one friend's house. Her hubby was a lawyer. She herself had her MBA, but she decided to stay home and raise 4 kids. I never understood why women would put so much effort into careers to only walk away from them. It made no sense to me. She told me one day that quitting her job was the smartest move she ever made for hubby and for herself. Prior to quitting, they both felt like they were being pulled in a million directions. But once she made the house her full time job, he could focus more at work, and by doing so, he was able to make partner at a very young age. She has no doubt about this. She called it dividing and conquering. Multitasking is hard, so if you don't have to do it, why do it?

When it came time for me to have a family, I took her words to heart. I think we both do better at our duties and tasks because we can really focus on them. When hubby is at work, he is at work. He doesn't have to worry about sick kids, picking them up, etc. I take care of the house (including all the finances, the lawn, etc.), and he earns more than enough money for all of us. We can then have nice family holidays, and we spend the weekends together enjoying each other, not running around trying to do "house" stuff. I try to get that done during the week, or in the early hours on the weekend before everyone is up.

At the end of the day, it is about priorities. I find our approach works great for us, but we are fortunate that hubby makes a good living. I see us as equal partners in the fullest sense of the term. The idea that you have to share the same types of responsibilities to be equal partners is something that I like to call a great way to devalue women's work. I have no desire to have a paid job and a house to take care of, nor do I wish to enslave working class women to me so that I can supposedly have it all.

I have friends whose hubby's work from home, and I am sometimes jealous that their hubby's don't have to travel or work long hours, etc. but then I remember that my hubby makes 2-3x what theirs make, and at the end of the day, this more than makes up for his business trips and long hours at work. We have a great life together, and while it would be great to see him constantly, the financial stress would be too great on our relationship.

In short, I don't find it a sacrifice nor do I think of it as counterproductive. In fact, I would argue that it is super productive and healthy for all parties involved.

You sound like you are trying not to be judgy...to turn around and be judgy.
Listen, it doesn't work for you....that's fine. You feel like you get enough time with your children working and only seeing them for 3-5 hours a day....I don't feel like that is enough for me.
It's not the quantity of time that my husband spends with the family...it's the quality of time. My husband works a ton...two jobs, extra stuff on the weekends. We struggle financially all the time.
He also coaches their soccer teams, takes them on "night time walks", goes to their school concerts, takes time to go to their conferences, plays board games with them, helps with homework (when he can) and he makes dinner every Sunday.
You say that by both of you working it helps your marriage? How? You are both out of the house, you both only see your kids for a small percentage of the day, you both are rushing around to get chores done/dishes/laundry/grocery shopping. I suggest that there is probably not a lot of down time because you are both working paying jobs. At least since I am home and my job is the home...it's all done by the time my husband gets home. The dinner is on the table, the groceries have been bought, the house is not a disaster, the clothes are clean, the homework is usually done. And then my husband walks in the door and we can concentrate on JUST spending time together as a family and not worrying about getting behind on what needs to be done.
Per your SWH - We chose this arrangement. It works for US. Life here is not unicorns and rainbows...but I don't think it's like that anywhere. For US, the best solution is to have me at home mothering my children and taking care of our home. Our marriage is just fine too! 10 years, great sex, and a good family.

Different situations for different people. If I had made more money than my hubby than he would be the one SAH. How does that fit into your gender roles? What difference does it make that I'm the one that SAH. Who cares really? Having a parent available 24/7 is worth any sacrifice in our opinion. I actually know a woman who keeps a chart and tracks how much time she and her husband spend with each child so that it is exactly equal. This is insane to me especially when her kids will start to favor one parent over the other.
Anyone can get burned out at their job regardless if they SAH or WOH. Don't you think your nanny gets burnout? You are esentially saying that because I SAH I don't bring anything of value to the family dynamic and I think that is what I take most offense to. I think its absurd for you to think that. Why do I have to work to be a role model for my kids? Why can't I SAH and show them that making sacrifices for family IS being a role model. I get everything done during the week, shopping, appointments whatever so that our family time is exactly that. We are not running around after work or on the weekends trying to get things done. Instead we are going to museums, hiking, or just staying at home playing games together all day. We are not lacking for family time. No one has to worry about picking up kids from daycare, what to eat for dinner, whose got homework and we are not rushing around to get it all done before bed. And how is SAH making our marriage worse? How do we not have anything to talk about just because I don't work? Once the kids go to bed we have plenty of time to devote attention to our marriage :) Spending time together as a family IS working on our marriage. How can all of this negitivly affect the kids? Just because I SAH automatically means that my children will think they/their spouses will have to do this? I think not and for you to assume this is ridiculous.
In the end this works for my family. If your situation is what works for you then great I don't really care and wonder why people do care if I SAH or not.
ETA: I'm only offended because your underlining tone is there as it always is in SAH & WOH questions. I got your point but again if it works for one family why do you care what they do? I have a friend in the exact situation you are describing. And she got a job, did it make anything better? No, it had the exact opposite affect and her kids suffered tremendously. She quit and her hubby works two jobs again. It works for them and their family. I would never question their choice.

Student loans are horrible.

But most families aren't living frugally. Most families can change the way they spend and allow one spouce to stay at home.

The question to you is are you willing to live frugally so you can be a stay at home mom?

I spend $25 per person per week for food, and other household consumeables (dog food, detergent, dishwash soap, toilet paper, etc.)
I could spend less than $25 per month on gas if I didn't go anywhere except to grocery shop and take kids to the park or playground.
If you don't work outside the home, you can claim a reduced rate on car insurance for minimal miles. Our insurance had dropped because I drive less than 5000 miles per year.
You can give up the hairdresser, the manicures and pedicures, etc.
Give up the costly toys. I have a simple phone and don't pay the additional "data hog" charges of $40 + per month if I had an Ipod or I pad.
You don't have to have the fancy dry cleaned office wear and the dry cleaning bills if you accept a simple life style.
You can have a garden and suplement your food bill with better quality food. I've never tasted a store bought tomato that tasted anywhere near as good as the ones out of my garden.

There are lots of things you can do and lots of places you can cut back. The big question is, "Are you willing to cut back to stay at home with your children?"

Gender role expectations? Yes your children will have those. You oldest will see you nursing his little brother or sister and not see dad doing that. And if dad tries to nurse your youngest your other child will hear a very dissatisfied baby.

Good luck to you and yours.

No where in any of these responses do I hear anyone say they work because THEY WANT TO, they enjoy it, they worked hard to get where they are and shouldn't have to be the one to stay home because they are the mom. That is why I work. Of course there are times when I would like to stay home a little longer in the morning and I have ocassionally had to miss a field trip or game, but for the most part I do all the things SAHM do as well as work in a fullfilling career, and do volunteer work in the kids' school and in the community. My husband does as well. We are both respected in our companies and have many accomplishments. My husband and I communicate and, at times, compromise to make it work. THAT is what I want to role-model for my daughter and son. I want them to see two parents who take pride in their contributions to their career and community so that they know this is something they can do whether they are a male or female. I want them to do something for themselves--a career that fulfills them--and for others--volunteer work that is meanignful to them, and a family if they choose.

I have been an "at home mom" since my oldest was 19 mos old. When I've told my husband I felt like I got the better end of the deal, he reminded me that my being home benefited him too. Some of the reasons he gave were..

- Not having to debate whose turn it is to stay home with the sick child
- Not having to worry about the children since he knew they were with me
- Reduction in household chores since I took over everything but the yard
- More home cooked meals including lunches

When we were researching if my staying home made financial sense, one big help was our tax accountant. He recalculated our withholdings based on a single income and we were able to get a lot more each paycheck.

we don't have student loans, or any kind of debt. husband works full time, and i take care of the household and children. we don't do any more sacrifice than any one else, but none of us wanted someone else to raise our child. your nana is raising your child. it's just a fact. not a snub or a judgment or anything of the sort but if you are working full time your nana is raising your child. that's her job you are paying her for.

i am purposefully not reading other responses and i have to admit i just skimmed your question.

THis is not a deeply thought out answer and not worded well,

But my very first thought, is that often men work many hours whether they need to or not financially, there are many circumstances where that happens anyways, There are also many circumstances where the father can be physically present but not at all involved with his children/family or their lives.

I would propose from my lifes experience taht you are very very lucky to have a partner who views himself as a partner,

I don't think many people do.

Also, assuming equal partnerships, i think the man would have to be on board with working 3 jobs to support a wife and kids. or else he just wouldn't bleeping do it.

so i get why you feel the way you do about the comment regarding how nice to finally see daddy
but i have to say, i don't think it can be taken at face value.

edtied: sorry, i sort of glossed over this, but how did you get lucky enough to afford a nanny that accepts such a low pay that you can work and still make a profit after you pay her. When you factor the child care available to some people with perhaps less schooling/ or less marketable job skills than yourself, DD woudl still be working 3 jobs and mom would be workign to pay child care.

I work full time 24 hours a day 7 days a week. I am "on" all the time. I do it because it works best for our family. I may not get paid for my time but the rewards and benefits are priceless. My kids are raised by me. They are taken to school by me. They play with me. We do activities together after school and then wait for daddy to get home. I get your question and your reasoning in a sense. But just want to say that my husband works full time and also has a second job. We do that second job as a family. We make it fun and the kids love it. We get to spend time together and can have most of the late afternoon and evening together everyday and then spend the weekends together. We are very fortunate and don't take it for granted. We would rather have quality time together than work, work, work with no play and have luxury cars and boats and stuff. Life is too short. We live it and we love the way we live. I fully believe 100% that this is the way to go for our family. I would NEVER have anyone else raise my kids---(full-time nanny). I would rather cut corners and redistribute funds to make it work for me to be at home. You don't get that time back. When they are grown, they are grown.

It's worth everything in the world to be at home for that little window of time when the children are young and need their mother. When they start going to school full time-you can work then, in fact, you may be able to work until the day you die-if it means that much to you. Paying off debt is not more important than nurturing your own children.

I think that your reasons for continuing to work as outlined in SWH are all good reasons to work. It is important for Dad to be home and involved with the family. As you said, it's different for every family. You have to decide what will work for everyone in your family. I also tend to believe that having a SAHM parent while the other parent is working so much that they're not able to spend quality time with the family is not a good idea. Children of parents who both work are just a healthy as those with a SHM. The parents just have different issues on which to work.

I personally think we're gonna feel a little "mom guilt" (my husband's term) no matter what we do, if we allow that to occur. If you're working to help your family and relationship, then you may feel a twinge of mom guilt for not being there all the time. If you're a stay at home mom to raise your children, you could feel a twinge of guilt for not contributing monetarily to the household budget. I've learned to recognize this silly guilty feeling as nothing more than me trying to find my own place in the world, what works best for us, in a very vocal society with lots of different views of what is "best". Allowing that clamor in can cause guilt and many other feelings, too.

For your concerns: 1) Rigid gender roles: we don't have them. We work together as a team. It's more "traditional" in that I stay at home more, I do most of the cooking, but we are big on team work and practice it that way. The boys do see me as a strong woman, they see my husband as confident enough to do whatever needs to be done. 2) Burnout: we both get tired sometimes. Breaks are good. So is self care. 3) Family time: we are really good at that: we spend mornings with breakfast and a devotional/prayer time together, in the evenings we have dinner and family time, on weekends we spend a day on an adventure (family outing or play of some sort to make the weekend special), and we go to church. Any activities in the evening, we both try to be there for. We also do a thing where one day the youngest goes with dad and the oldest with me for a special date, another day we swap. 4) Date nights are non-negotiable! It doesn't have to be "every Saturday" or whatever but we have 2 date nights a month where it's just the 2 of us and we have fun! It is so important to keeping things going well. 5) We work purposely knowing that we are setting examples for what the kids expect. We are very conscious of this.

I've been a stay at home mom, part time working mom, work at home (in-home childcare) mom, back to stay at home mom, and in early spring of next year, I'll be back to working part time. We are very blessed to be able to pay all our needs and most our wants on my husband's income. I don't just sit on the sidelines and draw from his income though. He once had a lovely crystal award made for me, a trophy in a way, because he said that he wouldn't have been able to succeed in his job and do as well as he does if it weren't for me. We work as a team, we do not have very strict gender roles but we each do what we do best. He's ABLE to make much more money than I am, so he does that. He is a financial planner and takes care of the long term financial plans. At home, he irons, helps the kids with math and really active rough-housing kind of stuff, is great at teaching how to ride a bike or helping with the kung fu when it gets to the hard stuff that takes a lot of thought. He cleans when he can, to help out, and he does the edging and heavier outside work. I make the budget and take care of the day to day financial needs, do laundry, help the kids with reading, writing, and creative play, teach the kids to swim, mow the yard, and help with the weeding and gardening, etc. He does flowers, I do vegetables, because that's our individual interests. I clean the house most of the time, and like to run it a certain way because I'm very organized and detail oriented, but also WANT to have fun and adventures with the family. Before children, I was a foreman, so I "manage" the household. I play to my strengths in that way, he plays to his strengths in his way.

To help ease the burden of providing for the family, I am going to school and will be working when my youngest begins elementary school, and will continue working a few years after my husband retires (he's older, it makes sense). We save and I'm very conservative with our budget, I clip coupons, shop sales, am creative in making side money on my end as well. All of that helps, but Jeremy says what helps the most is that when work isn't all that hard, he can come home to a happy home and enjoy us. When work is hard, and terrible, and he feels his plate is totally full, he knows that he can rest assured that everything else will be ok. That the kids will be taken care of, the house is fine, everything will run smoothly until a work crisis is over and he can get back to normal life, and that allows him to focus on the task at hand. He loves the fact that he can depend on me to take care of the family and home while I love the fact that I can depend on him to take care of our finances and future. We work together. There have been a few times when I've been exhausted or sick and he's been right there to pick up the slack....or when my son went through a phase where he was testing some boundaries, my husband stepped right in to educate him on respect and not taking me for granted. We do make sacrifices. We would love to hit Disney and a cruise every year, or buy that boat, or we've been shopping for a specific car for literally 3 years but just don't want to go into debt. We sacrifice "stuff" though, not each other. Sometimes we spend loads of time together and other times, he has to work 50-60 hours a week (but is ALWAYS there for the important stuff like a tournament or whatever). But it's always temporary and we can do anything temporarily.

We read "The 7 Habit of Highly Effective Families" and "The 5 Love Languages" (among other things) the first few months of marriage, and worked out our plan TOGETHER. Working it out together is huge, in my opinion, and makes all the difference in the world.

Don't get me wrong, we aren't perfect and things aren't always sunshine and roses! We have had our wonderful times, we've had rough times, but all in all, we're an awesome team. And I think that's an important lesson for the kids, too: frustration happens, but HOW do we deal with it, and knowing that our family is important enough TO deal with it.

It's been completely worth it to stay home. For us it made much more sense financially. I would have been working solely to pay for daycare in this area, so it simply wasn't worth working. My husband has worked during the day full time plus a part time evening position. His night job made more money part time than I would have made working the same hours. We still have had a lot of family time. He came home in between jobs for supper every night and has been home on weekends. All he missed was homework, a few school events and parent-teacher conferences, and crabby bed times.

He's still been able to be an excellent father. He's been an excellent provider and considering my health and pain issues, he's GREAT with helping me with housework when I need it. We're a true equal partnership 99% of the time.

My first two years as a mother I did work part-almost-full time and my MIL watched my eldest daughter. It was the hardest thing I ever did, especially since my daughter screamed her fool head off every day and refused naps. She ate my MIL out of house and home and was a complete handful for my MIL, never stopping... I'm grateful for that... but once my second daughter was born my MIL was like, "I can't handle two!"

I recently started work again. It's been ten years and it's part time. I'm only at work when the girls are in school. I'm home when they're home. They know I work and it's good for them to see that I was willing to put their needs and their dad's needs first for ten years, and that now in another way I'm putting our family's needs first again by working and still being home for them. I'm doing this in spite of my pain issues and how hard it is for me because it's needed.

I'm very proud of the fact that my daughters get to see the different ways to make it work. There's no one single right way to make it work... one size does not fit all.

I do think that your view is a little too one-sided. We all do what's best for our families and we have far too many things to feel guilty for. We feel guilty for being working parents but also feel guilty for being stay at home parents too? We criticize each other one way or the other. When does it stop? When we all experience both?

- Pftentimes BOTH parents want one parent home. Meaning its not a luxury but a parenting decision.

- Oftentimes that PT job would pay less than daycare. MANY SAHPs up here in Seattle stay home not because they want to, but because they don't make more that 3200-5000 per month.

(Cheap) Daycare for 1= 1600
(Cheap) 2 = 3200
(Cheap) 3 = 4800

(Reg) Daycare for 1 = 2500
(Reg) Daycare for 2 = 5000

And the 1 parent always home trade off so no daycare option means ONE parent gets no sleep... Ummmm... EVER. I did this my husbands last year of school. LITERALLY 2 hours of sleep a day IF I got to sleep. With the kids all day, then working all night. AND the parents see even less of each other than when 1 is working 2 jobs... Because day off almost never line up.

- Oftentimes there are more issues at play than outsiders know of. Meaning I've said "oh! I wish..." Whatever from time to time with a big ole grin, or exhausted face at my friends' circumstance. It's not a REALISTIC thing... As I would need to magicall make 8 years of education and 10 years of work history appear out of thin air to duplicate their situation. Or I would need to have an interest in (incrediag boring thing) or a talent at (completely esoteric thing), or a child completely different from my own, or different parents, Etc. When I'm saying Oy! I wish! It's far more often admiration for my friend, rather than actual desire for my life to be completely different.

*** LOL... Although my ex apparent said that and MEANED it... Except that he still wanted all the benefits of having a SAHM. When we split up, he still wanted the maid/cook/personal shopper/childcare/party planner/play date schlepper/sports schlepper/etc.etc.etc.... As on he did want to have to do a SINGLE thing is been doing AND not pay child support AND (etc., etc., etc.). ALL he wants (still) is to be able to work 60-80 hours a week and go out and play the rest of the time.
___________

Just because your option works for you doesn't mean it works for every one.

I always enjoyed having a job. I am not the stay at home type. I work 3 part time jobs right now and am home most of the time. I work in the clothing store at the gym/dance studio where the kids attend classes, I do not get paid cash, I work for the payment of their classes. I clean my FIL's house, he gives us a gasoline credit card with only 1 rule, nothing except gasoline, ever, no pop or candy, no food, nothing but gasoline or the card is gone. Then I iron for several people, this is cash that I do claim on my taxes.

I cannot imagine staying at home all day cleaning and planning dinner. I find that so utterly boring and hate the whole existence.

I love having adult conversations, being acknowledged for my ideas and input into many projects, I enjoy having the extra money to buy something extra in groceries or something for the kids. I enjoy being able to watch the kids flipping and dancing and knowing I made that possible with my contributions to the family.

I know there are a lot of women who are born homemakers, I am not one of them. I do know that there often comes a time when a sahm must decide what is more important, feeding her family or staying at home cooking another box of macaroni and cheese for dinner.

I feel that if the family is doing without so the mom can stay at home then the mom has a misconstrued idea of what her responsibilities are. It is a parents job to provide for their children, whether they are a female or a male, they chose to have this child therefore they must decide to make choices that reflect that role.

If a family is making too many sacrifices so mom can stay at home then the mom has the wrong idea about what she is supposed to be doing. If the family is making it okay and the mom wants to stay at home then more power to them. BUT if she still wants to work outside the home because she enjoys it then she should not be made to feel any less because of that choice.

Millions of kids go to child care of some sort every day of the year. Day and night care is available. Kids live this way every day. They don't grow up neglected and uncared for, they grow up finding that they were loved just as much as the ones who had moms that stayed at home.

I think if a mom is determined to stay at home and her hubby is not on board or is working himself to the bone then the mom may need to re-evaluate where her priorities are. She is not the only important one in the family.

You write very well and understand the dynamics of your relationship and the impact on your son as well.

Adding a 2nd baby will change almost everything. How tired you feel, how often the kids get sick, the need for two of everything, plus double the effort at bedtime, meal time, getting out the door on time, etc.

It's not possible for those of us who don't really know how well you and your husband communicate and manage stress, to offer advice and foretell the future health and welfare of your next child and impact on the smooth dynamics you currently report.

I have experienced a lot of parenting styles, except for what you describe. I have raised two siblings from birth as a young sister, I had a child in my first marriage, was a single mom for several years, remarried and now have two more children with a large gap. I'm currently a NAHM, that' s Never at Home Mom, with super busy, active kids and a husband who travels and lectures extensively. So I'm kind of back to being a single parent, but without the ability to have a boyfriend.

Just this week I was in and out of the home over 22 times in just one day. I counted because I was getting a little dizzy. It would not be possible for me to commit to a full time job with my age kids. There are too many school holiday's, sick days, all the after school extra-curriculars,individual sports competitions held during the day, doctor appointments, dentist, orthodontist, Parent-Teacher conferences, car maintenance and repair trips, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I manage all of that to protect my husband's time so he can focus on his profession.

If I were in your shoes, I would not feel guilty if I ended up staying at home while my husband works. It is our division of labor.

I throw those examples out there, because I don't think I had a clue when I was working full time with just one baby just how busy my kids lives would become. I'm more exhausted than my husband most nights.

I honestly think there are many successful ways to skin this cat. My parents both worked full time for my entire childhood, and I feel they were absolutely there for me enough and instilled everything they needed to instill. They were loving, hand's on, responsible people with good morals, they took us to church, they made time for our extra activities, they got us to lessons, they both worked equally at work and at home.

My husband has traveled 95% of the time for the duration of our kids lives (3 kids, oldest is 6) and I have been home the ENTIRE TIME scraping by on one income with NO child care help except the VERY rare evening sitter...and I mean like not even once per month. I AM the primary parent. I have no help or family near by. I don't mind. The kids are used to it. CAKE WALK???!!! No one raising kids alone and taking care of the entire household responsibilities on every day-to-day level is having a cake walk:) My husband calls from the road (in a band) bored out of his mind with nothing to do all day until his shows at night. Who works harder? Many SAHMs work much harder than the men bringing in the paycheck if the men don't pitch in equally at home after work. I also know awesome single moms who work full time.

On another note, we are divorcing soon. In one way, all this travel could have caused the divorce (that and husband's utter lack of moral compass), in one way, it's perfect preparation for it. Either way, my kids are well rounded, happy kids. I am always there, but I do not hover. I figure, it's either me or another caregiver until they're old enough to take care of themselves. For now it's me. I worked for 17 years though first, and may go back to work soon if necessary. Our arrangement right now is working. The kids are thriving. But again, it's opposite of what my parents did. Which I also think was great.

My kids will see that whether they have two amazing parents or one, life is good. Women can do anything, and no new man is coming into our life without being awesome. All good lessons I think.

Kids have grown up right in all kinds of situations. With two dedicated loving parents who are always focusing on the best they can do-you've got a great shot!

Obviously, as you mentioned in your post, it is worth the sacrifice for some.

For you, you and your husband must clarify your values and goals as a family. And if to exercise your values and meet your goals you must commit your time to managing your family and home, then yes, it is worth ANY sacrifice.

We sacrificed so that I could stay at home, but it was material things, luxury items, big vacations, etc. My husband didn't have to take a second job or anything. We are still equal partners. I was able to find a part time job that I could bring my kids to. I took in before and after school kids and did lots of baby sitting. Because I was home I had more time to shop, and prepare food from scratch, so we didn't have to spend a lot of money on convenience foods or restaurant meals. I didn't have to pay anyone else to look after my kids, or pay someone else to clean my house, or do my yard work. I didn't have all the other work expenses either. When my husband gets home from work he doesn't need to worry about cleaning the house or mowing the lawn, he can relax. He is at work 40 hours a week, but I bet I put in way more than 40 hours a week as a SAHM. We had to plan ahead to make it work. We didn't have kids until we were sure one of us could stay at home. Anyway, in my case, had I put my kids into child care and went to work I would not have been very much ahead.

If your only choice to stay home is to have your husband work two or more full jobs and never have time to be a parent or husband then NO dont destroy your marriage and the father child bond. Kids do so much better when they have involved fathers. Will this great "second nana" be available to take care of both children when you go back after 9 months? Sounds like the best of both worlds, to have a fantastic loving person caring for your child rather than a day care.

I get what you're saying. Basically, if a family can't live off of one income, I do think it's ridiculous that ONE person be expected to provide the main income PLUS the extra income while the other stays home. I would think in that kind of situation, it's only fair to have the parent who does not work FT be the one to pick up another source of income on evenings or weekends if avoiding paid childcare is the goal. The couple won't have much time with each other, but at least each parent will have some time with the children.

Having one parent stay at home is a wonderful option when the family can actually live on one income. When that's not possible, it's up to BOTH parents to be accountable for income and childcare.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with keeping the nanny and going back to work when you are ready after having your next child.
With 2 incomes coming in, the student loans will be paid off and then you can use the income to save for the kids college (so THEY won't have as big a struggle with student loans).
You and hubby will have the freedom and flexibility to work more or less normal hours and still have family time instead of one of you always at work and the other always at home working toward one purpose but largely apart.
There's more than one way to skin this cat.
Do what's right for YOUR family.

In our situation, yes absolutely worth it. I stay home with our three children and husband works in an IT position. he comes home helps with the kids and after the kids go to bed he dedicates a few hours to his other job, a computer software that is starting to produce money, I'm sooo proud of him. I do most of the house work but he helps a LOT. and I do my part too of course, meals, laundry, cleaning.
I cannot imagine hauling kids to daycare everyday, it's much easier for everyone with me staying home so it depends on the family.
kudos to you for finding something that works for everyone, in my case I love my family's dynamic and the 5 of us are very close :o)

I don't get the gender roles . . . we know stay at home dads (one with twins). My son doesn't think I'm a mommy because I stay at home, he thinks I'm a mommy because I'm a woman. My son thinks we all work together in the home, not one parent over the other. At this point, he doesn't have expectations, but he's open-minded about various situations because of what he observes/lives. Exposure to differences is what helps with one's expectations/judgements.

I'm with him during the day and work at night. It's exhausting, but it's 'our plan' and my job can easily be turned to daytime work when he goes to school. It would be less exhausting if my husband helped more once he got home from work, but that's a whole 'nother talk show and wouldn't change if I worked during the day. My husband worked less when I spent a year helping care for my mother rehabbing from a stroke. He works more in the summer/winter because workloads are heavier.

There are several examples of families that don't work, including the type that you mention. There are several families who balance work/quality time, but have other issues. One spouse may work 2-3 jobs because that person can get the most for their work/skill and it makes sense for them at that time (I have a family member who would make less than 1/4 of what her husband made if she worked) - there's no way to know if they're doing it short term or long term. Before our son, we worked several jobs to get out of debt - this meant less time seeing each other, but we made it work for us. Others (like our friends who complained that we never went out with them anymore) might not find a way to make that situation work.

I agree that one spouse carrying all of one burden may not seem fair, but I don't think we ever know the real story.

My gut says that I would rather help earn money so that my husband has quality time with the kids too. But that is completely dependent on so many things... Assuming that the wife can get a job in this economy, is she (still) qualified for a job where the pay would equal the cost of daycare? Ideally she would go to work the same time her husband goes to his main job so that they all have family time together in the evening, right?

If that is the case, do her kids do well in daycare? I've seen two kids from the same family have two very different reactions to the same high quality daycare environment. One was an extrovert and did very well, took things in stride, thrived with friendships. The other was an introvert and found all the interaction extremely exhausting. He was okay most of the day, had friends and liked his teachers, but by the end of the day, he was an anxious little mess. He couldn't bond with his family at night, he was so busy melting down. On a good night, he would be driven home, eat dinner, take a bath and go right to bed without crying. But many nights he'd sob through dinner and bathtime, and beg to skip his prayers and book just to go to sleep faster. In this case, I'd have to reevaluate. My own son sleeps from 7 to 7 every day. If I would pick him up from daycare at 5:15, we wouldn't have time to do much of anything besides eat and get ready for bed. In that time frame I'd inevitably do more quickie, less healthy meals just to get extra time with him. And if he was as upset as my friend's son each night, it would break my heart. So I'd have to rethink things... Can I afford a nanny so he's not over-stimulated during the day? Or is it better for my husband to work more jobs and me stay home? A tough choice...

Or what if one parent works days and the other nights? That leaves no expense for daycare, but no benefit of seeing mom and dad interact, share a loving relationship, etc...

And we have to consider the husband's feelings in all this. (My husband is awesome with our two boys. He's also a teacher and shares parenting equally in the summers.) But some dads aren't as comfortable being the go-to parent for babies/toddlers/preschoolers. I've seen the same dads who started out very hands-off get really awesome and involved with their kids at the elementary age but I digress... If this particular dad works during the day and his wife works evenings, he'll have the kids for that tricky, often difficult dinner, bath, bed time of day. So the question is, is the dad comfortable enough with the kids that this is a bonding time and not just stress and misery for everyone? Some dads might truly feel that they do the best for their family by working more outside the home and then being fun/playtime dads during their off time. I don't think that things should be divided automatically by gender lines, but I do think that every person is unique and we should take an honest accounting of both spouses' preferences. It is possible that the husband might feel more comfortable or take pride in being the provider at this stage of the game.

Also, how long will this situation continue? Will it just be for the few years before the kids are in elementary school? Maybe that's an acceptable sacrifice for them... Or maybe there's some kind of bargain struck there... Let's say he ran up credit card debt or school loans before they married and had his fun back then, now she gets a turn to make a financially tricky decision that affects both of them.

And staying at home on one salary means real sacrifice. Are they really sacrificing or have they chosen smartphones over family time? I stay at home with two boys-3 years and 4 months. We live off of my husband's $60,000 salary. After taxes that means about $3,400 a month. Our mortgage is about $1,100. (We bought a modest rancher with 20% down while I was still working.) We spend $550 on food, diapers and cleaning supplies. I cut coupons, shop for sale items, and we do not eat out unless we get a gift card from someone. My husband's lunch is always packed. We spend $175 a month for the car loan. Both of our cars were purchased pre-owned from the dealers and one is paid off. $250 for my husband's school loans. No Starbucks, no dinner and a movie dates, and no mani-pedis of course, but also no cable TV (we use our internet connection and Netflix streaming instead) and no cell phones. I get 3 haircuts a year, no new clothes for me and yes it is sometimes embarrassing. Only new work clothes for my husband. Only hand-me-downs and consignment store clothing for the boys. Toys (even Christmas toys) are from Craigslist. We only get to put $25 a month away for each boy's education fund, and we are just now starting to add to our retirement account again. Even with all the penny pinching, we couldn't do this without preparing ahead of time when I was still working. We chose a home we could afford on one salary and saved up our rainy day fund.

No matter what:
-you will have 2 children soon and that will impact and change, the whole schema.
-Everyone is different and it takes constant adjusting.
-There is no "guilt" of putting the "role" of working on your Husband, if he has no problem with it, and you stay home. Why feel guilty if that is the decision both spouses make together.
- I have been a SAHM since my eldest was born. She is now 10. I also have a 6 year old. And I now work part-time.

There is no one way to do things and no right or wrong and children learn gender "roles" from other things in life, too. There is no rigidity in it, unless the parents are rigid about it.

My kids have OFTEN told me "Mommy I'm glad you are home with us... and we don't have to stay all day at after care.... like the other kids..." They really love, that I am home with them.

I don't feel any guiltier over my husband making most of the money (and at times, all of it) any more than he feels guilty about me taking on all of the household and child-related duties. Yes, for most of the time, it appeared to be "gender role" related, but I wanted to stay home and not work outside the home until the kids were all in school full time. He wanted to work full time (plus some). I don't think we are modeling anything but good things for our kids. We sacrifice a lot of material things so our kids can have a parent at home instead of a babysitter. My husband is NEVER too tired to be with the kids when he is home, and he has a physically demanding job. They didn't have to be in daycare, and I am always there if they are sick. Those things are important to us. I understand if our arrangement doesn't work for others, but it works for us.

Now I have a job that takes 6 days a month to bring in 1/3 of our income, and my husband works with me those days, so some weeks he doesn't get a day off, but we are spending that time together and working toward a larger plan of owning our own restaurant again someday. The extra work is worth it to be independent of working for someone else. Our kids are older now, but I never would have taken this on when they were babies. I had one job for 2 years working 25-30 hours a week, I started when my kids were 18mo, 3y, 5y, and 8y. It was pure hell. I knew then I was definitely not cut out for working full time and trying to be a wife to my husband, and mother and homemaker to my 4 kids all at the same time.

It was never perfect. We've had our ups and downs. But here we are, almost 20 years later, and I don't have a single regret about never working full time after I had kids. There's plenty of time for that, but I'll never get those "little" years back again.

The most important thing is that a couple decides what is best for their family--as long as they both agree and it works for them, then that is what is best.

I am like you...My husband and I are equal partners. I feel compelled to work WITH him to provide for us. However, I am a SAHM.

For us, it was all about planning. We both finished our Master's Degrees (without a penny in loans) before having children. We have ALWAYS lived off his income--even before we were married. My salary went into savings. My husband worked very hard early in his career to get to a point where the paycheck from his one job supports our family. I won't lie--I love being a SAHM and I love that we carefully planned it out--and it's working for us!

So, although I don't earn a paycheck, I still contribute equally to our household. Our children have realistic expectations of working families and relationships.

And, I don't feel I'm missing out on my career one bit. I taught before starting a family. I will go back to teaching once all three kids are settled into school--I will be about 40. I will have the opportunity to teach for about 25 years before I retire at 65--that sounds like plenty of career time for me!

Generally speaking, I would say no, it's not worth it. Admittedly, I think there is a lot that goes into the decision for most people. Sometimes the added income of the other spouse working just isn't able to counter balance the cost of childcare.

For our family, there is no way I would let my husband work another job on weekends so I can stay home. BUT, we are a military family and already have him gone for many months at a time, so I am absolutely NOT willing to sacrifice what time we DO have. We are very fortunate in that my husband makes enough so that I can stay home with the kids and we can still live comfortably, but this wasn't always the case. I'm just glad that we're in as good of a place as we are.

I can only tell you that I am a retired marines wife. My husband was hardly home, and I took the role of both parents. Its much easier for a woman to do both roles. The mans role in a home can be complicated at best. They are not all cut out to do everything plus see to kids whether both parents work or not. I have found since having grandchildren, we didnt take more time with our own children becasue we were to busy making a living ( the basic necessities) Sometimes both parents have to work regardless, its a given, (we lkie to eat) Yes the children suffer because of that, but my children are grown now and see why we had to do what we did. If you are able to afford to stay home, I would. If you are not, or hes not, dont feel guilty. Money dont grow on trees and like I said before, ( i like to eat) haha....

I think it all comes down to each family's wants and expectations from life. Some would rather have one person solely providing , whatever that entails for THEM, so that one stays home. I know several families with SAHD. So the gender thing is null IMO.

If both partners are on the same page, that's what matters. Not others perceptions of what family life "should" look like. What you are doing is working for your family. Focus on that blessing and not what you perceive to shortcomings in others.

I think as a nation we can all scale back on luxuries and have both parents work or have one work and one stay home.

But, the OVERworking in order to have a Mercedes Benz and a BMW in the garage (when you have kids) stinks IMO.

Have you thought about parring down as many expenses as you can? If you are a stay at home mom you will not have the daycare expense. But I am sure you will be able to think of other places where you can cut expenses. Then work out a budget using only your husband's current income, only. If it won't work then consider a part-time job, mostly nights and weekend in retail. If you can get a job in a store you like to shop in for your family, you will get an associate discount ( usually 15%-20%) off the price marked even if that is clearance. You can watch the items your family needs and purchase when it hits clearance so you are saving on necessary purchases. If you work mostly nights and weekends, hubby can take care of the kids while you work and most nights you would be home by 10, depending upon drive time. The only time of the year will it could get challenging would be the Holidays. Basically from Thankgiving to New Years, about 6 weeks, could become stressful with later nights and more hours. But since you are working in the store you could have all of your shopping done long before the holidays.
Working in retail is low income but you would probably make enough to pay student loans, and the normal purchases for your family. Kids will always need new clothes, shoes, and your family will need to replace items such as sheets and towels every few years.

It depends on every family. You didn't mention the age of the children. If they are toddlers, then I would do the same (stay at home and take care of them until they are old enough to go to school..3 yrs old for example). We had help and we knew that before we had the kids. If I knew that I couldn't have help from our parents, we would have postponed having children. Now, once the kids are old enough to start school, both parents can go to work. It's not necessarily about money, but about having something to do outside the home and being able to rely on on yourself if the other person is not there anymore or not able to work.