Hi K. - I am a teacher too! It's a great schedule for having kids with the days and summers we get off, but I find it hard to be "on" all day and nurturing other kids' minds and not my own kids' minds sometimes. Personally, i know I could NEVER stay at hoke full-time without going totally insane, but like you, part-time is my dream, my utopia. Also like you, it can't happen due to financial reasons. I know some will tell you to just "cut back" and make changes and you can survive without your salary, but it seems to me (and it's my reality) that going without an extra $4,000 a month is pretty darn hard to make up just by making a few changes and not buying anything for yourself. I can totally relate to what you are saying, and I get sad too looking at my kids growing so quickly and feeling like I am missing some of it. My girls have both been in daycare since they were 3 months old. It is pretty hard and it got tougher after my second was born, just like you said, mostly because she was a much needier baby and I knew she was the last baby. :( I wish I had answers for you to make you feel better, but one thing I can say is that as long as you are making the most of the time you DO have with your kids, you will still feel connected to them when you are apart during the day. As they get older, you can even have special outings with them separate or together on the weekends, and build up the bonding time. Since my oldest turned three last summer, she is so much easier now to take shopping or on errands, to take a walk together, or just to go for a ride in the car and talk. I feel like we have more one-on-one special time and it carries me through when we are apart.
I know it's frustrating when you feel like your choices are stripped from you and made for you, out of your control. Keep your chin up and keep the grateful attitude you have about having work and a good income in the first place. Your identity is made up of so much more than being a mother (while I obviously get that it's foremost in your mind) so celebrate YOU from time to time. I hope this helps a little... I have been at the working mom thing for 3.5 years now and I can totally relate.