Scared Little Girl

This is a tough situation. My daughter is recently afraid of going/being upstairs by herself. She use to go upstairs and change numerous times a day. Now I can't even come down when she's asleep incase she wakes up...I do anyway and she gets very upset with me for it.
I think it has to be a combination of the two-tough love and comfort.
I would let her know she was loved, cared for, and safe. I would comfort her a little and then leave the room when I put her down. I've had to let my daughter cry it out many times. Sense she was 9 months she could climb out of her crib and would clear the middle shelf of her changing table and sleep there.
But I let her cry herself to sleep. She now mainly does very good going to sleep on her own when we do it that way.
It's important not to let them control our lives to an extreme and we need our own space and time for the benefit of everyone. But they also need to know we love and care for them. That they can trust us and know we're always here for them.
Well, I've been interupted a few time during this so I hope it all makes sense and helps you out a bit.

This is a tough age...they go through the mommyitis stage. However, if she is shy the more you can bring her out to see people/kids her age the better. If there are any playgroups you can bring her to it is great. I'm sure it won't last too long. Hang in there! You are doing a great job. I have 21 mth old triplets and one is going through this too. She wants me to hold her all the time too lately. Obviously, after trying everything that she might want/need, I try to get her interested in something and quickly leave the room. She will cry but sometimes she will go back to the toy. If it doesn't work, I try it again a little while later. I try to get them out as much as possible even if it is a car ride...they need a change of scenery. I hope this helps! Good luck!

Hi R.,
the first thing that comes to mind about your daughters behavior is that just before a growth spurt children tend to 'regress' - it's like they'll get more cranky, clingy, and it lasts for a couple weeks, and then all of a sudden you wake up one day and they're miles ahead of the day before and brand new little people. And it sounds like she was sick and probably going through a growth spurt - double whammy.... I am not a tough love kind of mom, I feel if your children need you and can express that, encourage their communication and meet their needs.

I've had the same issues w/ my girl - she's 6.5 now - all I can say is that it is really hard to have a child so clingy but I really think it is important to honor them and support them when they are clingy, accept it and allow them to be that way - she will grow out of it - there is just no doubt. If she needs you that much, there is a reason, and once she gets enough, she'll reach out to others - she needs to feel secure right now, and pushing her to be more outgoing is just not helpful, it will make her insecure. You are her grounding, she needs to feel protected - support her the way she is asking you to support her. And I really get it - sometimes I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin the way my daughter needed me, I had no personal space. She is a very independent and social person now, but it took til she was five to get to that - and she just 'came out of the closet', so to speak, in a beautiful way. I still feel a great relief. Good luck.

Kids definitely go through phases, and having been sick might not help. It could be a type of PTSD reaction, but have you considered the effects of the nebulizer drugs? Those chemicals can really affect some kids more than others. You might consider boosting her immune system in other ways (e.g. liquid and balanced nutrition) to reduce the use of the nebulizer. Also, the nebulizer mask alone can be frightening. My friends had a child on that for a while until they figured out a way to get him off it through nutritional boosts - and when their son saw the old mask in the closet, he asked what it was (he had forgotten) and said "That looks really scary." So it could be the nebulizer, it could be the chemicals, is could be the experience of not breathing easily, and it could be the enjoyment of the extra cuddling she got when she was sick. I think you need to do some investigating, and I think you need to also find some way to not give in to every demand - it's not a good habit to establish.

I too think my 23 month old daughter had post traumatic stress after a 4 day hospitalization at Children's. She was clingier and having night terrors for a couple of weeks once we got her home. We let her be as clingy as she wanted and just kept reassuring her. It passed after a couple of weeks. I did check with my pediatrician for advice with her though.

You should also be aware that if she is having an extremely hard time separating from you and with noises and other children she may have something else going on and you should talk to your pediatrician. Some of what you describe sounds an awful lot like a friend of mine with a son with sensory integration disorder which only gets worse with "tough love."

Good luck and I hope she feels better soon!

Our son is almost six and he was always afraid of loud noises and and is still afraid of other children because of their unpredictable loud voices. After talking with another mother about his problems, she suggested we have him tested with an Occupational Therapist. We found out he has Sensory Processing Disorder. After several months of OT and chiropractic care (our son had several subluxations in his spine, I believe they were birth injuries) he is like a different kid. However, he's still uncomfortable around children he doesn't know. There are several books you could read about SPD, the Out of Sync Child is one. Also, there are websites you could check out to see if it fits your daughters behavior symptoms, http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/ and http://www.spdfoundation.net/.
Your daughter is still very young and tough love won't make her less fearful. I believe if she's afraid then she needs to know you will be there for her, her 'port in the storm'. If she does have SPD, these kids are terrified of the world around them. With help she will overcome it.

Tyr this book by Elaine Eron: "How to raise a sensitive child when the world overwhelms them" http://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Child-Children-Ove...
There is a questionaire in the front and my daughter had 19 out of 21 yesses. This is a trait from birth, not a stage although your daughter might be going through a separation anxiety stage. I loved the book since it gives guidance by age group and helped me a lot. All their senses are on high, and my daughter can take one "hit" (like a being in a noisy place, or being hungry) but not more than 1. We learned to never have her be hungry or tired. We have left restaurants because the smells made her cry. She hates going to group events but after checking that everything is safe she wants to join in, usually when people start leaving and things quiet down. This is an innate protection to check that everything is safe before proceeding but in sensitive people/children it takes longer to process all the inputs and so they seem to hold back. It is just that they are processing not just the colors in the room and the smells and sounds but sometimes even the mood of the people and the hesitancy of mom, etc. These are highly perceptive kids who do well in anything they set their mind to (mine is a straight A student without much effort) and their sensitivity makes them want to right wrongs and help the needy and say "hi" to that shy classmate. This book will make you see her positives not just the negatives of her overwhelming attachment to you. At the early stages the advise is to adjust the world to her, when she is older she will learn to adjust to the world. Mine is 12 and she cried EVERY SINGLE DAY I dropped her off at school well into 2nd grade (I got to know all her teachers really well), she could not take the bus because the noise would make her tired by the time she arrived at school, she cried a lot in class when things overwhelmed her, but in 4th grade learned to overcome it without teacher intervention (she would go to her cubbie or the bathroom). Savor this closeness because it is a uniquely deep bond that not many parents have with their children.

Another book that might be helpful for you is The Highly Sensitive Child by Elaine N.
Aron. There is a checklist of characteristics near the front that you can use to see if your daughter is likely "sensitive" and decide from there if the book is worth purchasing. You can also take a look at some of her ideas online before you buy the book; just google Elaine Aron.

I wonder how old your daughter is. I she experiencing something new that stresses her (besides nebilizer). I know the type of medicines that go in a nebulizer can make you feel kind of hyper inside, maybe she feels disjointed and it scares her.

I don't have experience with what you are dealing with, but I would like to suggest that you look at this book "Becominig the Parent You Want to Be". I actually can't remember if it talks about shyness, but is does talk about child development for up to 5 years old and it offers strategies for parents who want to encourage their children through transitions and challenges while offering insight into the mental and physical developments that influence our kids. I believe it could be helpful to you.

God Bless, N.

My 30 month old is just starting to get a little better about being away from me but if I am home he has to have me. He can be happy playing w/ Dad but if I walk out of the room he comes screaming after me. He also hates loud noises he cries and shakes, he doesn't like to play w/ other children he is very easily overwhelmed. He has sensory processing disorder and we have an OT that is helping us. The biggest help for him has been playgroup. It has made a huge difference. He is now in the transition group to help ready him for preschool. He goes one day a week for 3.5 hours and he goes by himself w/o me the first day was hard but they were all people he knew working there from the parent/toddler group we went to so that helped.

Hi R.,

The advice I will offer has not been scientifically proven, it's theoretical.

The immune system and the fight or flight or freeze response (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fight-or-flight_response) are connected somehow. When the immune system perceives an invader it goes into fight mode. If the offender is constantly present, the immune system will be worn down. The person will be prone to illnesses, have allergies, and other chronic immune responses. The brain will also have a fight or flight or freeze reaction.

The invaders the body is reacting to come from the environment. What is largely overloked, but currently becoming more recognized, is the food people put ingest. More and more people are realizing that they do not tolerate foods that they are eating. By removing the offensive foods, they find that they feel better mentally and physically.

That is my guess as to the cause of your daughter's anxiety. She may be intolerant of something in her diet. She also may be lacking in minerals and/or vitamins, especially vitamin D. If she has allergies, and/or digestive problems, those would be good indicators of a food intolerance.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

I get the frustration of wanting her to just leave you be and take a nap. 20 months is still quite a baby. I don't think tough-love is the best option here. It is actually normal for babies to pretty much control our lives for a while, and I don't think it is a situation of breaking her of this now or being saddled with it forever.

Absolutely those drugs can mess with her. I was on albuterol for years (which may be what she had in the neb). It makes you jittery and just feeling funny. So after the traumatic hospital experience and then weird chemicals in her body it makes sense that it would take some time to get over it. She needs to feel safe again.

I don't have a shy DD, but I was shy, painfully so. If my mom just threw me out there it wouldn't help at all. I really needed a bit more security from my parents to get my confidence. I didn't really get that. Some kids are shy. Yes, you can help them try new things but forcing them to be far from their comfort zone can be very counterproductive.

My DD is 3 now. She has gone through a couple fear phases lately. She was afraid to go in the living room for ex. I didn't force her to go in there or not have whatever toy she wanted. I went with her to get it. She moved on from the phase. It is normal for them to have these sorts of fears and I imagine following a traumatic situation it is all the more so. Indulge her needs for comfort and security from you as much as possible while giving her small opportunities to branch out. She'll get there.