Hi Ladies. I haven't been on in a while but need some help and am at my wits' end. My oldest child, my six-year old daughter, has always been a "sensitive child". We even looked into SPD for a short time when she was a toddler (which she does not have). But things really seem to effect her more deeply than most/many other kids. She always seems to look on the dark side of any situation instead of looking for the good. She scares easily and is timid in new situations (she is not at home).
My most recent issue - and where I'm coming to the end of my rope - is that we recently changed daycares. She's been there for about a month and a half now, and still complains about not wanting to go, still cries when I drop her off, etc. Today, they were all going on a field trip to our local baseball park - which any kid should be thrilled about - and starting last night she kept telling me she did not want to go. I asked her why and she couldn't say. I think she is just very afraid of any unknown - even if it could be fun.
This morning I dropped her off and her little neighbor friend, who is only on her second day at this daycare, was already there and happily playing with about 5 other kids. My daughter was quietly crying, clinging to me, and asking me to come get her early (I cannot - I have to work - I don't have an option). After I was kind but firm and told her I had to go, she sat down, alone, at a table to color. She often complains that "no one wants to play" with her. I have a feeling she is isolating herself more than anyone else being unkind.
I have no idea what to do. As I said, she's very sensitive, cries and gets scared easily, gets her feelings hurt very easily - but not in a spoiled child way. She is very obedient, very kind to others, has a huge heart -- she just feels SO deeply that everything seems to get to her. Any ideas on how I can help her come out of her shell and stop worrying about everything so much?
Thanks everyone - I appreciate every comment and insight. The daycare was a switch, but she's had two months now to adjust so I'm concerned there. We've talked and talked and talked about why she doesn't like it here and she can't really articulate much. The daycare has been VERY good about working with us on why my daughter is not adjusting well - they've gone above and beyond. There is one teacher there that she does not like, so the daycare has agreed to keep that teacher in another room which I thought was more than they needed to do. I had a long talk with my daughter last night and used some of your suggestions. I told her that I understood her feelings but that we needed to try and think about all the GOOD things that could happen with our day instead of the bad - since truly bad things almost never happen. We had a think about what REALLY bad things have happened in her 6 years - and how many good things. Thus underscoring why we should focus on the good - it far outweighs the bad. I also touched on the point that other kids may decide to shy away from her if she comes in upset and crying every single morning. This morning she was not thrilled at drop off, but was better. No tears at least. I think much of this is just her little personality - it has been since the day she was born (she came out of the womb scowling - I kid you not!). We'll just have to work through each phase. If things don't improve in coming weeks, I'll seek out a therapist who may be able to help. Thanks ladies!
She may suffer from anxiety, like my youngest. I finally had to get her a therapist to help her deal with it because it was affecting her health and her ability to go out, even to school. It was beyond me.
If it continues much longer I would take her to the pediatrician and get a referral for a therapist who works with children. Anxiety disorders are VERY common in kids but they are also very treatable. Good luck!
You know, I wouldn't be so quick to assume that the daycare is fine and dandy and that your daughter's reaction is under her control.
I'm getting that you switched daycares midyear, right? If so, 6-year-old girls will already have their friendship groups locked in stone. A shy, sensitive child will be unlikely to have the skills to break in. So, sure, she may be isolating herself, but I think you really have to look at that with the understanding that she doesn't know how not to. And, this is the age where bullying really begins. Are you totally confident there's none of that going on?
What I really recommend is sitting down with your daughter and talking about it. Just ask, "So, you're not so happy at this daycare, huh? What's going on there?" Then, once you have a sense of the problems there, take them to the daycare. If the teacher(s) are any good at all, they'll help to integrate your daughter into a social group. Once she feels befriended, she'll probably show a lot more confidence and resiliancy -- but please put yourself in her shoes: it's hard to feel brave and confident about one new place (baseball park) when you feel hopelessly rejected at the other new place (daycare) where you go every day.
My son is a very sensitive 6 yo. He has really improved this year in 1st grade, though. I think a lot of it is just a maturity issue, and will improve some over time. I know he was getting upset in class when he got frustrated or gets his feelings hurt (over everything!). I explained to him that him crying in class really upsets his teacher and makes her very, very sad. Since I explained that to him, it has gotten remarkably better. He never thought that his crying would upset someone else. And being sensitive to others, he didn't want his teacher to be sad. Anyway, maybe you can try that approach.
Who did you go to when you looking into SPD? Was in a specialist, psychologist, pediatrician? I ask, because my nephew has SPD and is the exact same way. He had to go to specialists many times, before they would diagnose. Play therapy and occupation therapy has helped him immensely.
I realize two children sounding alike, does not mean they will have the same disorders! However, if it was not the correct doctor diagnosing, then they could have simply been wrong, or missed something.
With that said, she could just be immature and sensitive. I have known children like that. As they age, it seems to get better. I have seen one girl whose parents started working on her confidence. They put her in martial arts and a children's art class. The martial arts helped her harness her emotions, and gave her maturity and confidence. The art class helped her confidence, because she was great at it!!
My 9 year old was/is like this. She's grown out of it a bit, but what I have learned is that it is just who she is. I call her my "cautious observer." She does exactly what you describe in new situations... she doesn't like the unknown or not knowing what to expect. I validate that she's afraid, and then try to point out the times in the past that she's felt this way and actually had a great time. If I know what the schedule is I try to give her information about what will be happening.
The only advice I have is to create situations of short duration for her to gain experience and flexibility and confidence. When she's exposed to new places and things she won't feel so anxious and scared. But honestly, we just had to know when to push her and when not to, because pushing too much at the wrong time backfires. But if you never push at all, they won't try anything new.
Is your daycare provider sensitive to her having difficult transitions into care? Does she tell you that your daughter does fine after she "warms up."
My daughter isolates too. At 6 your might be a little young for this, but I try to tell my daughter how people see her when she does that. People don't understand that she feels sad and alone and needs someone to come and pull her out of her shell to play. They think SHE doesn't want to play.
It's tough. In our case my daughter had a lovely teacher in second grade who really helped her blossom. Somehow it's easier for them to accept from other adults they admire than from us, or maybe they just have a different approach.
Good luck~
You should read the book " the highly sensitive child" and see if it sounds like your daughter, and if it does it will help a lot! It helped me to understand my son a lot better!
I was exactly like that as a child. I hated day care and never learned to like it - cried every day. She's probably a little too overwhelmed to socialize right now...all she can think about is that she doesn't want to be there. I know I'm not telling you what you want to hear...but the only real solution is to take her out. If she can read, write her little notes she can look at throughout the day. Maybe take a few pictures and tell her to look at them and you'll be thinking of her.
I outgrew it by elementary school. I am a sensitive person, but learned to deal with it as I got older throughout my childhood.
most kids act that way because they are taught from an early age to fear. They pick up on subtle clues, body language, and word inflections.
Is she your first? parents are always more protective and try to shelter first borns more cause they haven't had previous children.
My first born was and still is worried and nervous in new situations. ESPECIALLY if we are there. She wants comfort and guidance to not do anything incorrectly. We have learned we need to distance ourselves from her, or not be there. We can not make a deal of it, and if she does break down in tears. We take her to a secluded area to talk to her about it. If we openly admit she is crying, or act frustrated with it, she will cry more because now she thinks shes disappointed us.
Its getting better but she has episodes still. We also find when she is overly tired, or hungry these increase.
Our second child is fine with out us around, but she is sensitive to mean words, or harsh tones. She will cry and have a very bad day if she is scolded by anyone but us. This we figure will get better with time. She is only 4, and she needs to know that her actions upset others as well. She dislikes being teased a lot. Only teasing is a part of life. I hate it if she gets teased, but I do try to help her understand why she is being teased and what to do about it, if we are not there.
Instilling a sense of independence is hard, but we have to start some where. 6 is a good age to begin and its time for a new strategy. What is going on now isn't working well. If she continues she will be teased and picked on for her crying.
Since she is older now and still showing these symptoms you may want her re-tested for SPD to rule it out again.
So, not sure if this is another possible solution but what about finding an in home daycare with only a couple other kids for her to be with. That might still be difficult but less overwhelming for her. I know in my neighborhood there a a couple moms who stay home but would be interested in watching just one or 2 children during the day.
I know this is a personality thing too, but it if this changed since the new daycare it could be that this new place is not a good fit. Maybe too many trips and activities or too many kids that is making it even harder for her.
My 9y/o son is like this. He is tough as nails when it comes to anything outdoorsy, like he fell while climbing a tree recently and gave himself a huge gash on his leg, not even a tear....however, recently we got rid of his bunk beds that he has had forever and he got a huge very nice, double size bed and the poor kid cried b/c he was sad to see his old bed go. When he was 6y/o we had to cut off a piece of our Christmas tree for him to keep b/c he was heartbroken that it had to be taken down. There are countless other stories like this...and it is hard to deal with!
I want so desperately to tell him to 'just suck it up' and sometimes I do...but I don't feel very nice doing it (although in my heart I know he needs to toughen up, ya know?) I often indulge him and just give him love to get him through whatever rough patch he is going through.
I am sorry I don't have any great advice. I just wanted to commiserate and let you know you are not alone!
I love my son's soft side...it just worries me that he is going to be in for a long tough road ahead in life with plenty of heartbreaks b/c of his sensitive nature :(
Wow. Your daughter sounds a lot like mine. My daughter was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder, though, but she's also very highly sensitive. She always sees the black side or the down side to life--we have to constantly keep telling her to look on the positive, that what you think about is what comes about. So if you want positive and happy and people to like you (my daughter is 13 and still keeps saying she has no friends, yet when she's around others, her "friends" are all over her, happy to see her), you must project and think happy and positive thoughts.
It is an ongoing, daily battle. We are constantly working with her to change her thoughts and viewpoint from dismal and unhappy to upbeat and happy/positive. She is shy and doesn't like to voluntarily go up to people/her friends, which could be one reason why she thinks she has no friends; her friends don't always come to her. We are working with our daughter to get her to understand that she has to put forth effort as well. That's scary for her, as she doesn't like change. Routine is more her forte.
If your daughter has a very, very hard time making friends, having changed her daycare halfway through the year might be having a profound impact on her in that the kids already have their friendships established. It's not easy for anyone to "break in" to a friendship group, and if you're shy and not very outgoing, it can be almost impossible.
I remember when I took my daughter out of her daycare when she was 5 when I started staying at home to work, I really needed to have her go to her daycare a few days/week for that I could work on some huge work projects. She absolutely refused to go back to daycare, stating that she had no friends there. When I mentioned that all the kids she'd been going to daycare where still there, she told me they already had their friends. For her, going back to daycare was not going to work.
In fact, she actually totally and completely hated daycare. She loved the teachers but didn't care much for the kids. She really, really struggled with social situations when she was younger.
I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them by Elaine N. Aron, PhD. It's helped me enormously in dealing with my daughter. She also sees a Childhood Specialist (CS) once a month, so she can get an outsider's perspective on what she deems are "issues" as well as another take/input on how to handle them (and many times, the CS restates what her dad and I have already said).
If you can help your daughter navigate through these tricky and scary waters (as they seem to be to her), she will learn to cope with her differences. The key is getting her to learn coping mechanisms--and that's where you come in.
