Seaking Advice

Overstepping! You're not even married (yet) so you don't really have a say in the matter. You can sit him down at a time other than when the 14 year old is in trouble and gently bring up suggestions or point out things that you're noticing.

You're a busy and great mom to your own kids. I see your point of view and would have acted the same way if I was in your shoes. If you boyfriend doesn't share the same discipline view with you on how to deal with his own children, I would say it's a sign that you guys will have more problems if you guys got married. It will definitely affect your own kids even more. One of my single friend, who is a mom of 3 children, said said to me that her kids come first to any man.

the blended family thing is soooooo hard! I brought one daughter to the marriage; my husband brought 2 sons. We have been together for about 15 years and we STILL have problems when it comes to the "kids." It is absolutely the ONLY thing we ever fight about. Like you, I believe my husband is way to soft when it comes to his boys. And I used tough love with my daughter which worked and she has gotten herself fairly straighted out and is definitely able to fend for herself and deal with the world. I stand my ground too, not only for my own sake but also for the sake of those boys. Their father is not doing them any favors by babying them, especially since one is 28 and the other 22! They are so unable to fend for themselves! So, I say stand your ground; his son needs you to!

Some of these people are crazy about telling you to leave the relationship. The hardest part about blended families is trying to have the same opinion about disipline and how things should be handled. He's oviosly getting offended and thats why he brings up things about your daughter. Which is normal. I think you should stand your ground. 14 is a really hard age and especially in a blended family. Just keep trying to talk to your boyfriend about how you feel about it and maybe councling could help you guys get on the same page. It's gotta be hard. Good luck.

I can't believe people are so quick to tell you to leave this relationship. Once you inherit other children it is very challenging but maybe you could be the change that family greatly needs. Yes, it is going to be difficult but if you are up for it, you may be able to help them. I would talk to your new boyfriend about the way that you parent etc. and come up with a plan that you will both follow. Then call a family meeting and discuss the "new" rules with the family. This will let them all know that you are both on the same page. If you are not both on the same page it will never work because you will always be the mean step mom and they will rebel. Good luck and hang in there you are a great mom!!!!

Perhaps you and your boyfriend ought to see a therapist. It looks like the stress of dealing with life and children is getting to the two of you. A relationship ought to be loving and not about fighting. Perhaps a therapist can help the two of you sort out what is best for each one of you and the children. Best wishes to you both.

I think if you're going to stay in this relationship you should be very LOVING to this obviously troubled 14 year old, not accusatory. 14 year olds with problems need adults to be on their side, not against them.

Diana is right. Get out now! I married a man with 2 teenage kids and I had 2 teenage kids. We talked about EVERYTHING before we decided to get married - discipline, chores, homework, consequences, etc.etc.etc. and we agreed but it still didn't work. His kids(who lived with us 90% of the time) started showing me disrespect within a few months and it just went downhill. He always took their side and I should never have put my own children through that. We were divorced in 2 years.

Good Luck and God bless -

B.

As a marriage and family therapist, I recommend strongly that you stand your ground. Both because, if this relationship is going to last a lifetime, you don't want to set a precendent now that he can dodge uncomfortable issues. Also, that older boy is an influence on yours. These kids are all showing each other possibilities of behavior and the consequences of that behavior.
Next time you try to talk to him about his son and he starts changing the subject say firmly, 'That's not what we're talking about right now. Right now we're talking aboutX and I'll be happy to talk about Y when we're done.'

blending families is an on-going and challenging process for all. It sounds like when the 14 year old gets mentioned it is often in connection with trouble/problems/concerns. I imagine that your BF is very worried about the 14 year old (as are you too). It sounds also like he gets defensive when you talk about it - he in turn brings up the past problems with your 12 year old. This is a classic "change the topic" strategy. We often do this when we feel under pressure.

My suggestions would be to start noticing the positive qualities in the 14 year old (make sure there is some balance in talking about young person). Also start noticing your BF doing a good job parenting. If he feels criticized, he will be defensive and then communication goes out the window! This is hard, but both of you will need to get on a similar page and be consistent with all children.

Sunday.....Hi S., I'm just checking in to see how you are doing after all the input.....Blessings

S.,

Depends on where your ground is? Is it your house or his house? If it's his, pack your things, do not pass go,do not collect the $200 dollars. You and your kids need your own place.

The 14 year old will not change his behavior overnight and most likely, because his father makes excuses and tries to deflect the problem on to your child, his son's behavior will only get worse.

Your child will either become withdrawn and/or angry and perhaps become just like the 14 year old. He will blame you and he won't be far from wrong.

If you and your boyfriend really care about each other....date until your kids are in college. Keep your separate living spaces and your different standards in raising children.

If this sounds harsh, its only because I've been in your shoes, we got married and it got ugly. Our kids were 14, 15 and 16. Like your boyfriend, his son could do no wrong, mine could do no right. The girl was just completely zoned out most of the time.

Blessings......

I am exactly in the same situation as you are. I have my own son and he has his own son too. And we both have two kids together which is a boy and a girl. All together we have 4 kids living with us. Ages are from 13 to 18months old. There are times that when we get into a situation with his son and my son and will bring up the issues from the past. If he doesn't agree with me, then he can't do anything about it. I just let him do what he wants to do so that way he can't discipline my son and I can't disipline his son. We do stay on the same page when it comes to our son and daughter. It doesn't always work the way you want to work out between you and your boyfriend. It is a very hard relationship when he has his own kids and you have your own kids. I've been with my boyfriend for 7yrs and our relationship always seem to be on the roller coaster. Yeah the oldest seem to be always in trouble more often and needing a disipline. My boyfriend's son who is 13yrs old and was always getting into trouble in the past, now that he is getting better since his dad had a long talk with him regarding his biological mother is no longer in the family and she will never be part of us anymore since she has neglected him in his young childhood. We thought it would be the best interest for him so that he has no more broken heart over and over from his own mother. No contacts or no writing letters either. He finally understood. I guess he was only 8 or 9 yrs old when he last seen his mother. Maybe if there are issues with the 14 yr old might be bothering him that causing him to get into troubles? Have your boyfriend talk to him 1 on 1. Hopefully this helps. Keep your grounds when comes to disiplining the children.

S.,
I would stand your ground, and make sure he knows that you
are talking about what is going on today, not what happened
months ago, and that with age comes maturity, so the rules
do change when they get older....like how late they can stay out, that 14 is too old to be lying etc.
W.

Protect your own children - that's your job. It is up to their father to raise them, and it seems he cannot be bothered as he places misdirected blame on your children. Run away from this "man" very fast.

It is amazing what therapy can do. Couples therapy and family therapy is what I would advise. I would be reluctant to throw in the towel too quickly without really seeing if you can work this through first.

My husband and I couldn't have survived without our therapist and my eldest daughter who is know a happy, healthy 12 year old has grown and transformed beautifully with the help of her therapist. Take some time to scope out the different therapists and find one you both feel good about.

Hang in there!

I do not believe you are overstepping your bounds because this could potentially be your family. That said in my own situation I wax most appreciative that my husband let me handle the dicipline of my child unless he saw my frustration or my son being disrespectful. The rules need to be the same for all of the children if you are together often.

Dear S.,
Please end this relationship; it will likely just get worse. Blended families require cooperation and a lot of patience, none of which do I read in your message regarding this boyfriend. There's only finger pointing. Also, you have none of the security that marriage can bring; he can leave at any time when he doesn't get what he wants from you. E.

p.s. the 14 year old knows he can manipulate you both and seems to be doing a good job of it.

A little about me:
I'm a 72 year old Grandmother of 2 great little girls. I've experienced a 2nd marriage with teens. If we hadn't had Jesus in our lives we wouldn't have survived all the turmoil.

Stacey,

Well, I hate to say it but your always going to have this kind of trouble in a "mixed" family. You are not even married to the man, how will you have any more authority over his children than the neighbor next door or a live-in room renter. For the sake of everyone involved, stay single until the children are grown. Then go get yourself a man.

The person who posted that the kids should honor your authority, basically because you and their dad are sleeping in the same bed, and under the same roof, is dead wrong.

S.,

I hate to say this however, you should RUN AWAY.....!!!!!!
Your heading for a train wreck!!! Good Luck and God Bless!!
D. W.

It sounds like all the kids have had to endure a lot of very big and difficult changes in their lifetime. I think it would be in their best interest if both you and your boyfriend stopped dating, each other or anyone else, until the kids are 18 and are able to move out on their own. They are with you for such a short time and could really use consistency and attention right now.

We also have a blended family of 8 kids. YIKES! It is a real roller coaster ride at times. We have dealt with hormones and a horrible custody battle (7 YEARS worth). It has put stress on all of us. What we have learned is that we have to be a united front, no matter what. The two of you have to sit down and talk about the "rules". Is it a case of your kids and my kids or OUR kids? If you make it a his and hers then you are risking a daily battle between the two of you. Believe me, the children will see the cracks in your relationship and bring a crowbar. All your children are trying to adjust to this relationship and where they fit in. If you are serious about staying together I would definitely go to a family counselor. Remember, 14 and 12 are NORMAL ages for rebellion.
Talk about rules for the house, consequences, responsiblities (age appropriate) and what is expected in the treatment of the other parent. You two set the rules and THEN get your kids input, post it somewhere where you can all see it and stick to it.
I wish you luck, it is hard work! But I have to tell you it is well worth it. =)

I disagree with the person that said you have no right to say anything because you are not married. You are living together and you have to deal/live with the 14 year old just like a step parent would. You should decide with your boyfriend how to co-discipline in a way that will not put pressure on your relationship. Your boyfriend should also tell the son that your rules will be backed up by him. You can also find a good counselor to help you deal with the issues the 14 year old may be facing and also give some good parenting advice. I teach 14-16 year olds and this is a very difficult age.

I agree with Toni & Deanne. Actually I think Ari has a great recommendation. Having a blended family at teenage level is the most challenging and stressful job you will ever have. The difference is that you just can't put in your 2 week notice and walk away without your blended family being hurt and mad. Any decision we make in life no matter whether it is good or not, affects everyone in our lives.

As a teenager, I gave my own Mom challenges even when she dated and brought men home for us kids to meet. I didnt want to share her with anyone. My Dad wasn't in the picture very much, and she was the only one that I had left. I actually have multiple times over my adult years apologized to her for being selfish in my teenage years. All parents have a right to be happy, however, it just may not be when the kids are teenagers.

I've had a blended family for 23 years now. My family is like the "Yours, mine, ours" type family. However, Honey and I met when our babies were very young, and then we also have 2 of our own. Having a blended family is truly one of the hardest "jobs" ever. I read years ago that if a blended family survives the first 3 years, that you have survived through the toughest times. Am I proud to say today, I have 6 children? yes. My stepsons have grown into such nice and good young men, and I even think they love me now. When they were little, no doubt they thought I was the wicked stepmother. I am proud of all of my children - I do consider our six children, "mine and ours". There is no more "yours" in my picture of the "blended family". But I surely had to earn that feeling.

As for you? If you and your man survive the "downs", it just may work. However, having pre-teen and teenagers in the household, you will continue to encounter to "agree to disagree" with your man until the kids are adults. As I look back, it makes me tired to even relive the moments I have encountered when our children were younger. It is tough, but today, so well worth it. I still have my bestfriend at my side.

I wish you the best, and always ask God for guideness, He has done wonders for all of us.

S.,
I agree fully with Toni and her advice. It seems that in romantic relationships, the kids are the ones that feel left out and less important. I would guess that the 14 year old would do far better to have more undivided time with his dad, and not feel he has to compete with you for his dad's attention. Kids seem to act out, seems that negative attention is still attention.
If you guys are all living together, I'm sure having your own separate places would solve a lot of the problems with discipline and boundaries. I think kids do well to have their own space, and it also teaches them the ingredients for a healthy, happy family.
Anyway, I hope that is helpful. Ultimately, your kids best interest should be the trump card.
Regards,
D.

Hi S.- I don't know how to say this. You two should not be in a relationship when there are young children,(under 18) in the home because this is what happens. It sounds like the 14 year old is acting out and you arguing with his dad makes it worse. He seems to be having trouble adjusting to his new family and his dad's new responsibilities so he rebeling, this is so common. In a way I think you are overstepping your boundaries. Most children from broken homes or when the parents enter into new relationships and live with them have huge problems and the marriage usually ends in divorce with more trauma to the kids. It is his child and he can raise him any way he wants. Stop pushing your opinions on him and listen to what he says and try it his way. Stop arguing with him and try to work as a team, because one of you has to be the adult. From reading a "little about you," it sounds like you have a full plate, and do you really have time for "his" kids as well as your own? It say "and hang out with 'my' kids, does that include his? Just a thought. I hope it all works out and best of luck.

I agree most with Toni. Even though we are in a day and age where live-in arrangements aren't looked down upon as they were when I was growing up in the '50s, I find that the kids I've worked with still seem to have a standard that says people should be married to live together. His 14 year old is at a delicate stage of life, and perhaps the trouble he gets into would be happening even if you and your children weren't part of the picture, but he is to at least some extent testing things out to see if you and your kids are a permanent part of their lives, and if you will be taking his dad's attention away from him... and he likely already feels that you and your children have "stolen" his dad from him. If you love the guy and he loves you, you can both put the welfare of your children above your relationship for a while and survive the wait. You may find that your love for each other is enhanced by doing this. If not, and you drift apart, just know that you are not suited for each other and are better off going your separate ways. I know this is difficult to hear because you are emotionally involved, but try to back off from the emotions for a bit and look at it from another standpoint.