M.L.
My M. comes from the family, where a father was an alcoholic his whole life. He happened to chase my grandma with a hatchet while children were watching and openely cheated on her. My M. have never felt secure in her life. She tries to plan and control everything, even if it's impossible or unnecessary. I think I can see the same need to control in what I read above. I'm not saying that what you trying to do is impossible or unnecessary, but maybe you would benefit from a new perspective? Like: what's more important, children close in age or happy, healthy M.? I understand that you have important reasons to plan it that way, but again, maybe greater age space would be good for you and the whole family? Also sounds that you desire two things that may not go well together. No matter how combined antidepressants and pregnancy or depression and pregnancy will give you most likely either constant worries or terrible state of mind. I experience mild depression my whole life, never tried medications. After I gave a birth to my wonderfull daughter I went through really bad times, what helped was 1 hour of yoga every day- it made my fobias go away( www.yogatoday.com), forced positive thinking and something brand new- looking for humorous way to see different situations, good laugh is so hard to provoke but works miracles. I personally think you may like it at Al-annon. They are specialists that really help. Good luck to you with everything you decide.