Seeking Advice About Daytime Wetting and Soiling

A few years ago my son had a problem with not taking time to go to the bathroom and ended up having accidents at school as well. My son just hated stopping whatever he was doing, especially recess, or missing out on what was happening and would end up having an accident. We ended up taking away his video game privileges each time he didn't try to make it to the bathroom in time. Once he knew there was a consequence he made sure he went and that ended the problem. Since your friends daughter is having the most trouble at school, I would make sure someone at school can remind her at the same times each day to the bathroom and actually going make sure she is going. I have heard of kids that go into the bathroom but won't actually go. I would still check with the doctor it could be a problem with her not having muscle control to hold it or an infection. Also, my niece wet the bed every night until she was 13 because she went into such a deep sleep she couldn't control it. There are many reasons this could be happening. I would definitely check with a doctor to rule out any medical reasons.

I second (third?) the suggestion that your friend's daughter needs to see a behavioral-health specialist. If your friend's employer has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) she should be able to get an appointment fairly quickly. Her pediatrician or school counselor should be also able to make a referral for on-going counseling.

There could be a kid in her class who is telling her that she can't/isn't allowed to use the bathroom. The child could have been in her kindergarten class, moved up with her, and is still asserting the notion that she can't use the bathroom when she needs to. I also agree with the other poster that she may be being bullied in the bathroom. Maybe some girl(s) who doesn't like her insists on going into the girls room at the same time she is in there to pick on her. To avoid the whole, horrible situation she'd rather wet herself because that is the lesser of the two evils.

My daughter was three when some boy in her preschool told her she couldn't use the bathroom, and of course she believed him. She wet her pants a few days in a row. Or she may have just been wetting her pants, and blaming the boy was an easy way to get blame off herself. Anyway, after a few days I convinced her that nobody can keep you from using the bathroom when you need to, and she has gotten over the wetting herself. To be on the safe side, I remind her every morning before school to go to the bathroom when she needs to.

I know a lady who wet the bed until she was twelve. She was worried about her sons, but they are doing fine.

Dear P.,
I could have written that letter 22 years ago. (My gosh, has it been that long ago?! Wow, how time flies.) My oldest daughter had the very same problem. I had to her so many doctors, and like your friend, some dismissed it while others did testing and found nothing physically wrong with her. She wet and soiled herself till she was 8. Then it just stopped. I never did find out the whys of it all. I believe it to be a mental issue. What else could it have been, if nothing was physically wrong?
I know I'm not being any big help here. Just wanted you to know that your friend isn't the only one with this problem. Some kids do, and some kids don't.

Well P. almost everything I was going to suggest she's done. The doctors' she's done but tell her to still check and see if she has a small bladder,if it's mental connection. Now for her own convience she can have her wear "Good Nights" to keep the clothes from getting wet. What's being said or done when she has an accident, because I'm wondering why she doesn't feel secure enough to tell her parents ,but yet she's old enough to know what she's doing. Hopefully they aren't too verbal as to what their saying in front of her. Good Luck --------- I wish oyur friend the best

I could have written that, in fact was going to post the exact same issue. My daughter is 5 1/2 with exact same symptoms except she doesn't soil herself. It started last year at school, she was fine over the summer and it started up this year again. We saw the doctor last spring and this fall.

After ruling out a UTI the doctor thinks she is just "too busy" at school to stop to use the toilet. I have noticed that at home she gets so involved in playing that she "forgets" to go to the toilet. The doctor says to remind her no longer than every 2 hours to go. I try to remember but even I forget to remind her. The doctor says this is "very common" and it should resolve.

I'm not jumping to conclusions and really don't think it's an issue for a counselor and I definitely don't think she's being abused. My take is that she's just a busy kid and not as developed as some (still wears a pullup at night) and will eventually grow out of it. My daughter is definitely embarassed by this and tries to hide it but I tell her it's OK and I don't get upset with her. Tell your friend she's not the only one w/this problem and hopefully she'll relax about it.

I think Lauren L is right and I wonder if your friend's daughter's school has a good counselor. If the counselor is good, maybe you could speak to her/him first. Also, I think if the problem is mostly psychological, focusing intently on it and making it a big issue can only hurt. Making it not a big deal (in front of her, anyway) could help. For instance, ask her to go to the bathroom before going on the playground and then if she won't, say matter-of-factly (not angrily), we'd better get home since it's often hard for you to hold it on the playground. And then go home without talking about it any more. Maybe she is very shy in school and doesn't want to ask to go to the bathroom; maybe there is something about the bathrooms she doesn't like. Best of luck!

Definatley take her to the doctor

Ok now i peed the bed until i was 12yrs old. This is a little beyond me in that area. BUT what i believe is it's a tension prob. with school. First i would stop discussing the prob. with the child. The parents are only making it worse by doing that. She's avoiding telling them because she's not happy about it either. So i wouldn't talk to her about it anymore. I would ask her to change her pants when you know she has done it, don't ask her just do a visual check and if you suspect she has peed, tell her to go change and put her clothes in the laundry. If she's at school i would put an extra change of clothes in her bag and tell her to slip away and change. (She doesn't want anyone to know either give her an out) I'm telling you from experience of a person who has done this sort of thing, she doesn't want anyone to know and if she can avoid that contact she will. Tell her teacher what you have in place so she will let her go when she needs to. If the child can't do it alone, give her ONE person she can go to that you believe she will go to. (IN other words take the pressure off, with out putting her in a diaper) She will use a diaper if you put one on, that's also avoiding) It seems like most people would go the potty if they can but in this situation it's different, they don't because they go to what they know. Also i would set down with her teacher one on one and ask if there is something (aside of this) that seems to be bother the child. Maybe reading is hard or a bully is being mean to her on the playground. She might be doing this from tension. Good luck and if would like more advice please feel free to email me directly. I have watched kids all my life and dealt with almost everything. Good luck

P.:

Hello! I'm sorry your friend and her daughter are going through this.

In all honesty it sounds like a stress related issue and teh stressor is school. Diet and exercise MAY help, however, it sounds like all the issues are at school and some at home. I'm sure the tension over this is just phenomenal!

If you have a relationship with the girl, take her out for lunch one day and chat with her - don't come right out and ask "why is this happening" talk about school and if you had stress at school in the 1st grade talk to her about it and what happened to you, how you handled it, etc. This will probably take more than one "date" - but she needs someone to talk to about this so it can be resolved.

For her parents - have them buy her the pull-ups or discreet underwear that they advertise look like underwear if they haven't done this already.

Is it possible she has "shy bladder"?
Is it possible that the school's bathroom's smell horribly and she can't or won't use the bathroom there?

Ridiculing isn't going to help the situation as it rarely does in bladder/bowel movement problems. Yelling at her and fighting over it won't help either. I know this is easier said than done (my now 22 year old daughter had wetting issues until she was 5 - she would be SOOOO involved in what she was doing (i.e. playing, drawing, talking, etc.) that it would be too late to do anything about it. Her teacher would gently remind her (to the side, not in front of everyone) to use the bathroom prior to a project.

The pediatrician's don't sound concerned - which would bother me. It's not normal for a 6 year old to have daily wetting problems and they should be stepping up to the plate. Have your friend take your daughter to a urologist and see if there's anything physically wrong.

Wow - this was a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. I truly hope the problem gets resolved. It's VERY kind of you to step up to the plate to try and help her out!

Please let us know how it works out!

Take care and God Bless!