Seeking Advice About the Effects of Baby Weight on My Marriage

J.
I am behind all the other advise that this is his problem and he needs to work on what it is that is important in a partner. I would work on this with him and give it a good shot, if you love him. My husband would not touch me after I gave birth for almost a year. He had issues after watching me give birth and then he did not like milk dripping out of my breasts. It was hard and sad for me. I do feel for you. We finally went to marriage counciling and it helped a lot. We have been married for six years and he is so sweet and loving. I still can not understand why he had those issues. Anyway, good luck to you. I hope you feel pleased with you body and how amazing it is. You are beautiful!

Oh, J.... First of all, your husband needs to wake up to this so-called "painful reality!" Please go back and read your message. Read that you work full time, care for your daughter the second you walk in the door, and are up with her at night. You are not only a full time worker, you are a full time mom. Now give yourself a pat on the back, you deserve it.

Next, know that what you and your husband are going through is NORMAL. Husbands and wives often go thru an adjustment period of how to balance "man and wife" and "mom and dad." BUT if he is putting all the responsibility on you, he is not helping the balancing act at all. You are already resentful and it's only going to push you two further apart. You need to work as a TEAM. He needs to see that things are different now and while we moms like to think we are, we just are not Super Heroes.

We do need to give him some credit, though. He is home with your daughter so that she is not in daycare. It's wonderful that you are able to have this arrangement. And while he does have the typical household duties during the day and is with your daughter, you both need to see that you both have full time jobs and need to balance. When you get home from work, he shouldn't stop being the caregiver. Duties should still be shared - equally.

As for his attitude about your weight and not "meeting his needs" - hello! Wake up and smell reality. You created a miracle inside your body and your hormones are a mess. Your body will NEVER BE THE SAME. Sorry, honey. But it doesn't mean we have an excuse to let it go to hell. If you weren't a swimsuit model before the pregnancy, his expectations of you being one now are crazy. You definitely don't want to start a diet regimine that is unhealthy. But you do need to take care of yourself, body and soul. Start with something easy, like taking walks with your baby. If you can get your husband to walk with you then even better; you'll be spending quality time as a family while giving your body a healthy outing. Next, find a support group. Depending on where you live, there might be groups of moms that can help you relate to all the stresses of being a wife and mother.

If all else fails, consider seeing a marriage and family therapist/counselor. If your husband's behavior continues to belittle you, you will not be able to get out of your "funk" and things will only get worse. Maybe the two of you just need a little help on trying to figure out how to balance your new life, and that's ok. That's why the professionals are out there so use them.

You have a wonderful little miracle and a man you love. This is the time of your life when you are supposed to be enjoying every second of it. Good luck to you and I hope some of this helps. Hang in there and know that you are a WONDERFUL PERSON.

~ J.

Hi J., sorry to hear about what you're going through. You shouldn't feel like a failure because of your weight gain. Your partner shouldn't put you down because of your weight. You had a baby, that put your body through a lot. Women judge themselves on their outer appearance enough, we don't need to be judged by our partners. You should be very proud of yourself for all you do- you work to support your family and you are a good mother. You should talk to him and tell him how he's making you feel. Is he fulfilling your wants and needs? Obviously not. He's hurting your feelings and its hurting your relationship. Does he even appreciate all you do for your family? He should be thankful everyday for the woman he has. I hope you talking to him some more can help out. As for your own self-esteem, maybe you should start taking walks with your baby when you get home from work. That may encourage some weight loss, for yourself, not for your husband!

Ouch. This reminds me of my experience with my ex. I have a few questions for you. Does he contribute financially or is his money "his" and your money pays the bills? Why are you doing all the cleaning if he is home all day? Do you realize that if the shoe were on the other foot you would be expected to have the house clean, the groceries bought, the laundry done and food on the table when he got home? Why is he bartending anyway? Does it really supply a significant second income? And what's up with him gone nights and weekends to bartend? Where are you when he's at the bar - catching up with the ironing? Don't you think that his job has a little to do with his new found demands about your figure? Your husband need to be put in check!

You sound like an accomplished woman and while I strongly believe in doing everything possible to keep a marriage together through the rough times, and while it is great that your baby is home with a parent while you are at work, I also think you need to draw the line with your husband.

What I think you should do is tell him that he needs to take more responsibility around the house so that you can devote more time to getting in better shape - when you get home pop a video in and do a workout while he finishes up dinner. Or, join a gym and go 3 nights a week after work. Oh, this won't work out with his schedule? Tough - he sounds like a selfish young man who thinks he's living with his mom. Next, get a sitter and accompany him to the bar even once a month. After all, it sounds like those are the nighs available for socializing and maybe he needs to remember and remind everyone at the bar that he is a MARRIED bartender.

What's he going to do if you put your foot down? Leave the baby at home alone so he can run to the bar? Move out and pay his own expenses? I doubt it. And if you are afraid that he'll WILL move out and take up with a "more attractive" woman and leave you, well then it's probably just a matter of time anyway, so before that happens, stand up for yourself and quit putting up with this behavior. He needs to respect you and he won't if you don't respect yourself. Maybe he should start looking for a night shift at a factory or warehouse or grocery store or somewhere, instead of a bar and grow up.

If you truly love each other, he'll change his ways and if it takes a little "tough love" then go on and do it - now before he thinks he can get away with anything! You have needs too and one of them is a man who knows how to be a husband.

Good luck.

Virginia

Hi J..

Let's talk about you first. You have 2 full-time jobs. That is a great accomplishment and difficult. You probably have little time for you. If you are frustrated and worried about your weight, it probbaly shows. Maybe your husband is picking up on some of that. I know it is hard, but if you can do something to make yourself feel better then you absolutely need to do it. What you eat has a major impact on how you feel. So how good are you being about it? I recently had to give up a lot of foods, including a lot of sugar and fats, because of acid reflux. Even though I was a pretty healthy eater before, I feel a lot better now. When I do have a little sugar now, I get a burst of energy and then I get cranky and impatient. I had no idea how negatively certain foods, caffine, and sugar can effect you. To help you with your diet I have 3 suggestions assuming your doctor says it's ok. 1. Buy and wear a bodybugg and fill out the food journal on the computer every day. It shows you exactly how many calories you have burned vs. what you have eaten. I love seeing it displayed because it makes so much sense. It;s a serious wake-up call 2. Weight Watchers points is great but you need to go to the meeting once a week to get max benefits. It has a proven track record. 3. To start out, if your sense of eating healthy is off and your will power is weak - then Jenny Craig can really get you going. The food can get pricy but it tastes good!
If you start to feel good it will show and it will motivate you to keep going. Your new confidence might blow your husband away and it will put a bounce in your step.

Now let's talk about your husband. I don't have anything polite to say about him. You should not have to take the baby every night if you are working all day. There should be some teamwork or offer to quit your job if watching the baby during the day is too much for him to handle. His job is probably the worst influence. Most people at bars are young, attractive, and single. 25 year old men can be very immature. He has probably started feeling sorry for himself because he is not single and carefree like his customers. It is easy for him to blame why he is not happy on you. So that will cause him to focus on everything about you that he thinks is wrong. Then if he has cutomers flirting with him and acting interested in him - they will seem a lot more exciting to him than you at home.
Before kicking him out, take him to couple's counseling. See if they can help you guys undertsand each other's issues. If that doesn't help, or if he refuses to go, then maybe it would be a good idea to send him out into the world to try to find someone else to support him and take care of him.
In the meantime take care of yourself and wait to see how good you will feel!

Hi J.,
I am a 27 year old mother of a wonderful 3 year old boy, and I can relate to your situation. I myself felt like after I had my son that I needed to slim down. I don't know one mother that doesn't wish to get back down to her normal weight and size after having a child. It sounds like you're a really hard working mother, who wants the best for her family. Any man in their right mind would love to have that. Being a good mother and a good wife at the same time takes a lot of work so I comend you for taking the time to try to find an answer to this issue your having. I'd try reminding your husband that you work very hard and you are trying your best to satisfy him and have a happy family at the same time. You try very hard to do those three things to the best of your ability, and if you have "let your self go" It's because you have a lot of your plate. I think it's rediculous for him to expect you to get down to a size that is smaller than what you were before you had a baby. No one is perfect, and you didn't get pregnant and gain weight by yourself. My advice is to just keep doing what your doing. I know how low self esteem can take over when your husband won't touch you. It's probably frustrating too, and I'm sorry for that. He took vows to love you for better or for worse. Maybe he can make some suggestions on how to spice things up? If he wants you to slim down, he should be supportive, and maybe try going on a walk with you here and there. You may even try taking the baby. Keep up the hard work, and remember you are NOT alone. your husband should remember, that the grass might be greener on the other side, but somebody's still gotta mow the lawn. No one is perfect. Including him. Keep your head up, and good luck! ;-)

Wow Girl,
I have a lot to say about this one but I will keep it brief. Who is he comparing you too? Because you just had a baby a few months ago and it takes time. One place you can get free help is www.sparkpeople.com to help with the weight issue for yourself. There are women and men who have gone through pregnancy ect...But he's working at a bar so that tells me he is always looking at those who are all dressed up, looking there best,usually. So...If your wanting to get healthy for you Great~!!! But he needs to be a husband first. Are you both in agreement about the bread winner stuff or is he just lazy. Just my opinion but someone who stays at home and is then critical of you needs his head examined. He sounds like a playboy. Sounds like he plays at the bar and calls it work, so he can get out of the house. When was the last time you did anything for yourself? Hangout with girlfriends, go to coffee or lunch, shopping or pampering? My guess not lately. I was once married at 20 to a guy very similar. Needless to say it was more like a business relationship. All his needs got met but mine were put on the back burner. We always had enough for his wants and needs but not enough for mine because I let him. You sound like a really smart lady. What do your parents/family think? Thats who I would ask for there truthful assesment of the situation. Don't sell yourself short. Your smart,I am certain Beautiful and capable of making great descisions. Hope all works out for you~!

You are a beautiful, strong, and independent career woman who has just given your baby life. Don't sweat selfish comments from your husband. Have you tried talking to him? My mother used to make comments about my weight, and my self image went down the drain. I let her know how hurtful her comments were, and that i didnt need that negativity from my own mother. Since talking to her and telling her how i really felt, she hasnt made any more comments, and she's been surprisingly more supportive of my weight loss since the baby. Maybe talking to your husband and letting him know his comments and actions are hurtful. He may not realize how hurtful his comments actually are. As far as the intimacy part -- marriage is hard...adding a child makes it even harder. Make time for yourself, and your husband. Go on a date -- get that romance spark back into your lives...intimacy will soon follow.

Hi J.,

I am really sorry to hear this. Have you tried couples counseling?You need to be happy with yourself. Maybe there is something going on with him. You know I have been dating my boyfriend for a year now and we moved in together 4 months ago. We dont have children together, but I have a 2 year old from another man and he has 3 older kids from a previous relationship. I weight about 110 and a not stuck up, but I could definatly be a bikini model. You could never tell I had a child. DO you really think being thin helps? Think again girl! We haven't really touched in 2 weeks...Why? I have no idea. He said he is stressed and he gained weight?? If you are happy with how you look and feel, then do not change. You need to make time for yourself. Leave him with the kids and go out alone for a few hours a week and see how quick his attitude changes. I am here for you if you need support.

I ditto some of the stuff Stephanie R responded with in regards to what your husband is exposed to at work. Please seek marriage counseling soon, you don't want to build up any more emotional walls between the two of you. He needs to feel respected, and you need to feel loved and cared for. Discussing it all with a counselor would be a great start.

J.-
It sounds like you have a very immature guy on your hands who is not grounded into some of the realities of life. And you have a lot of frustration and resentment building up on a fragile view of yourself.
As others have said, it first starts with loving and accepting yourself. Know your beauty and power.
Reconnect with your husband...as lovers and friends in support of each other. You both need touch. Start off with non-sexual hugs (studies say we need at least 6 hugs from our partner daily that last a few seconds each).
Usually the weight issue is a surface way to talk about a deeper problem. It is possible to address and work on these issues.

I think you should quit your job, even though it sounds like a wonderful career, you can pick it up again when baby gets to kindergarten. Your husband is feeling emasculated, he is not taking care of his family and so he knows somewhere he has failed. He is unconscious to this frustration he feels and can not quite put his finger on so he targets you and your weight. Tell him that you know he can take care of you and the baby, now is the time YOU need to be home taking care of Yourself first, so you can take care of the family too. You will have time to exersize, make healthy meals and genuinely raise your child. Let him worry about how to meet the financial needs of the family--he will rise to the occasion, and you will be sexy and sweet when he gets home because you are nurturing yourself. Do not let money stop you---downsize and move if you have to, remember it is only for another 5 years!

Hi J.. I really feel for you. I am a mom of two. I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. I work full time as well....and work a tremendous amount of hours as I am the primary income earner for our family. I am not sure what your financial situation is like, but your husband's emphasis on your weight, could be a good chip for you to negotiate some much needed time to yourself! Weight is a touchy issue, as I too am not a small woman, I gained 40 lbs with my last pregnancy and I am now a size 12....But I have expressed to my husband how important it is for me to get some time to myself to exercise. I work out with a friend who is also a client of mine 3 to 4 days per week. I love this time. I don't do the housework. We have a housekeeper and my husband helps.....So I would use the approach of letting him know it is a scheduling issue and something has to give. If your health and less importantly, weight, are a priority, what needs to be transferred to him or outsourced to someone else, so that you have some time to focus on you.....And I am not so worried about what he thinks about you, but how you perceive yourself and how that will impact how your kids will perceive you......My first husband was always focused on my weight. My current husband is focused on my happiness and it makes a big difference. I feel happiest when I am fit. My goal was to qualify for life insurance, etc....and to do so I had to be fit......so this inspired me. Feel free to email be back....My email is ____@____.com and my name is B.. By the way, I used to work in a major local university and this is when I never had time for myself.

Hi J.:

I feel your pain and it sounds as if the issue is your husband's. It sounds as if your husband is not very happy right now and is using your weight as an excuse for other issues that may be going on for him. How has he handled the new father responsibilites? Has he been upset at being a stay-at-home dad? It's tough to be the care giver and put be at home with the kids and it's hard for you to be the bread winner. It sounds like your weight gain may be just a way for him to make you feel bad when he in fact may be the one who is unhappy. Do you talk regularly? I know that for me the road to intimacy often follows once my husband and I lay things on the table. Has he wanted to be doing something else? The weight issue sounds like an excuse, especially if you have never had it come up before. I am not a small girl and my weight goes up and down but my husband who is really fit and athletic never brings it up and just wants me to be happy with who I am. He encourages me to exerices but I really do it for myself. Lose weight because it's right for you not because your husband is unhappy. He has to open up and really discuss the underlying issues he's dealing with, otherwise you'll be the one feeling bad. Good luck!

Your husband is the one with the problem. First of all, he sounds very immature to me. He wants the attention he received before the baby was born. He needs to change his attitude.
Weight gain other than having a baby is caused by stress. It appears to me that you have too much on your plate. If he is a stay at home Dad than new rules have to take plce so you have more time for you.
A: Get off his lazy butt and clean the house.What does he do all week? Watch TV!!!
B: You talk to your doctor about weigh control or try Weight Watchers where you will meet new friends in similar circumstance.
3:have a serious discussion with him about yourneeds. I doubt he has ever given any thought to that.

Hi J.,

To be honst it doesn't sound like baby weight is the problem. It sounds like your husband does not appreciate you and all you do for him and your family. You sound like an extremely together and intelligent young woman for only being 23 and already a married mother.
My husband and I are also young, he's 26 and I'm 27 and we are 8 months pregnant. My husband is also a bartender and server, but works 5 nights a week. Early in my pregnancy I had a few "emotional days" and I got very angry with him about not helping out around the house and expecting me to work two jobs (for a lawyer during the day and waitressing at night) and do all the house work, plus be mother to my 3 1/2 year old step daughter. I totally blew up at him and felt both terrible about my behavior but also so frutrated that I didn't know how else to handle it. At first he was hurt and angry with me and blamed by outburst on my pregnancy hormones, but after a short amount of time, he started helping out much more without being asked to do so. Now when I come home from work and he has done housework he is very proud of himself and it makes me happy too! I also feel more appreciated and understood by him.
I think you need to get your husband involved in helping out around the house and if he's not interetsted, then tell him he can go get a real job and you will stay home and do everything! You can't do both! Also, if the intimacy part of your relationship doesn't improve and you two have already discussed it, I would seek the advice of a relationship counselor. It isn't right for him to be making you feel bad about your baby weight, especially if your child is only 10 months. It certainly isn't abnormal for it to take more than a year to return to your previous size and for some struggling women it just doesn't happen. Your husband needs to love you for you, for who you are, and for what you do, and not make it about a few excess pounds!
I hope some of this helps, I really feel for your situation!
Best of luck,
C.

I have to tell you that after I had my first baby, I was having enough body image issues without anyone's help. When I approached a doctor on trying to loss the weight, he told me that realistically, women should not expect weight to shed until the one year mark after your baby is born. Your body needs all that extra cushion if you will to restore all the engery stores and things that you lost to the baby during pregnancy. So, on that note, you should give yourself a break.
Also, if you haven't already, you need to explain to him that it is him that is not being sensitive to your needs. As a stay at home mother, I have come to realize that my husband works very hard to provide for us and I work in our home to match that. This means I take care of our three girls, cook, and clean and try to do as much "night duty" with our newborn as possible. It is a partnership and if it isn't approached that way, one or both become resentful and distant. You need to explain to him that his lack of engaging fully into your marriage is a detriment to your desire to loss weight in the first place, not to mention your being too exhausted mentally and physically anyway.
If you do end up working out or trying to eat differently or both, you need to do it for yourself and not your husband. Anything done for someone else will not pan out. I hope this helps in some way and I wish you the best!

Hello, J.. The first thing you do is speak with your doctor. Please do not attempt ANY diets until you do. It took a long time to gain the weight and it will not disappear over night but, hang in there.

The second thing you do is meet YOUR wants and needs. You can not be very effective on your job or at home with the baby unless you pay some attention to yourself first.

Please understand that bitterness and anger are a normal response to criticism. Plus you must be very tired. This will all pass in time but first and foremost you must be very good to yourself. You have a full plate and it will get better but don't let your husband get you down. Frankly he does not sound very supportive. Maybe the two of you could consider counseling.

Congratulations on your baby.

H. Z

Dear J., I too had that problem. My husband blamed everything wrong with our marriage on my weight. He went so far as to say his friends wouldn't come over because I made them sick. If you are the financial provider, cleaner at home, etc., what is he doing? He could be going through some issues because he may not feel he is doing his part and could be blame shifting. Rather than fight over this, ask him to go to counceling with you. Honey, don't listen to him. Beauty is from the inside and if he married you knowing you'd never be a model, he knows it too. I know you are tired and need some support. Just know you aren't the only one who has been there. Take care and tell him to get a grip and grow up.

Linda Field, Downieville, CA

J. -

Ouch! I agree those conversations are painful, especially since I am sure you are very much aware of how you don't look the way you did pre-baby. I empathize with the bitterness and anger! Considering you both are young (as are me & my husband), I am guessing that the baby has helped end the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage, quicker than it would have ended otherwise. My biggest piece of advice: seek counseling! My husband & I did, as we went through some, what I think to be equally painful issues. Some of those sessions were not pretty, but the counselor was able to keep things from escalating too far out of control, as well as offer a new perspective for either or both of you. Men have a difficult time opening up enough as it is & I wonder if there is more to his "issue" than your physical appearance.
Good luck!

Get yourself fincially stable and then kick him to the curb. If he is baretending on the weekends and he is that young, trouble is veering it's ugley head. He is way too young to be married and is too selfish to step it up. My girlfreind was in a simair situtaiton and her husband ended up leaving her. He just didnt want the respnbility. Your husband hardly has any responbsiblty now! Good luck

What about your needs!!! Marriage or family counseling is in order I think.

You're doing all the work financially, baby-wise and home? What does he do? He's being a superficial, spoiled little brat. Counseling is the thing. This needs to be discussed. It is inappropriate. Everyone goes through a very difficult period with a new baby, no time for sex, etc. It's normal. It's not your fault.

This is just my impression, but it seems that your weight is not the real issue in the marriage - Especially since you say you were not 'a bikini model' before your pregnancy - I am 90% sure that if you were all of a sudden model thin, he would find something else to complain about and he still wouldn't be happy.

I would bet that the role reversal in your marriage and the perceived balance of power might be hard for your husband (it is hard for most guys). And because you are doing everything, and taking responsibility for everything, he might be having issues with his self-worth and value in the relationship. And somehow trying to restore the balance in an unhealthy way by focusing on your weight.
I don't know what is possible to change in your situation, but it might be helpful if he has real responsibility for 1 or more areas of your life together - without too much interference from you (this can be hard to let go of control-you can't get mad at him for not doing it 'your'way) - that he is in 'charge' of something - and feels he is contributing something that YOU aren't doing for yourself, and that he knows you appreciate what he can do for you. This seems to be hardwired into men's DNA to need this - it hits at their core. And is very hard for men to express. This may be the need he feels is not being met.

Losing weight is fine, but make sure it is for your health, energy and well-being, not because someone else is unhappy with you - it won't work if you are doing it for someone else. You will be subconsciously fighting against it and also you will resent it.
Some websites that might help: natural, lifestyle based weight loss information - health focused.
www.annlouise.com - fat flush plan - very effective
www.sonomadiet.com - this works too - great recipes
www.bodyecology.com - fundamental health concepts

Good luck with everything-

If your husband is a stay at home dad, the he needs to take care of the baby, so that you can go to to the gym to work out! He should be helping you out with the cleaning, while your little one is sleeping! You also need to take time with just "the two of you"! You need to have a date night once or twice a month, where just the "two of you" get out and enjoy each other! You are both edgy and tired! It is hard to take care of a baby! Being a parent is very hard work! I am a mother of 3 grown children and a grandma of 3 boys. The oldest is in kindergarten (I took care of him when he was small) I take care of the two youngest ones all week long while their parents work.(one is 5 months and the other one is almost 2 yrs) I know what it is to raise little ones and it is hard work!! If you work together, then it makes it easier. YOu need to sit down with him and chart out all the duties and share them, especially since he is a stay at home Dad. He is very lucky to be able to bond with your daughter! Good luck! and God Bless!!

I think your husband is being totally unfair. But you aren't going to get anywhere by telling him that. You will have to find a way to discuss this honestly from both of your sides.

Potentially, this could be about his own feelings of failure since you're the superstar earner/stable one in the household. Commenting on weight following pregnancy is taking a cheap shot. Few people I know (even the bikini models) are strong enough to handle criticism of outward appearance. People tend to take cheap shots when they're feeling their own inadequacy.

Perhaps you'd benefit from counseling.

As you approach this, I encourage you to consider the types of behavior that the two of you are modeling fo your 10 month old daughter. It is great that you recognize that this is not healthy. But please try to address it soon... surely she senses that all is not well with Mama and Papa. You'll all do better with everyone coming from a place of confidence.

good luck!

Hi J.,

I would say that in a healthy, mutually loving marriage both parties can work together to meet each others' needs, but if all he sees are his needs then you have a problem. Let him know you're both in this marriage and the sooner he sees your needs as equally worthy of being met then the quicker you will be able to work on his too. It can happen for both of you if you're both willing to stretch for the other's sake. If he needs for you to be a little leaner then you can let him know what you need too. Maybe if you are getting your needs met it will be easier for you to get fit. First off I have to say you're a pretty terrific catch because even so young you are taking care of a young child, a marriage, and a career. Remind yourself of all your strengths when you start to feel that pressure to be perfect. You're already doing a great job, so give yourself credit for that even when he won't.

Long walks and yoga are great exersize, and also very good for the soul, so that helps with your inner struggles and loving you for exactly who you are right now. You could also remind him that one of the best forms of exersize is making hot love, which would help you get in shape. And human touch will probably keep you away from the ice cream because it's so much more fulfilling (if that's part of the problem, I don't know). I think the best thing for a marriage is compassion, with a good dose of that you can get through a lot.

Hi J.,

I would feel the same way--bitter and angry. Feeling that he doesn't appreciate all that you do. I am a average weight person, but I can imagine that you have tried hard to lose weight. However, I don't think this has to do with the weight. I think it's an excuse he is using. Have you thought that possibly your husband might be interested in another woman? I don't mean to hurt you by saying that, but maybe he is finding an excuse not to touch you. The fact that he works as a bartender is not good. I'm sure he meets a lot of women doing that type of work. He says that you are not taking care of his wants and needs. That is another reason that he might look and possibly have a relationship with another woman that will boost his ego and get a lot of attention from--especially if he is not getting it from you. I know you do so much for the household and family, but men are like babies. I'm taking from experience here now. If you do not give him the admiration and attention he wants, then you leave a void in him and the moment he sees an opportunity where he is getting the attention he needs, he falls for it. It's very easy for him to meet women at the bar. Make sure you take care of his needs if you want to keep your husband happy and you don't want him to stray away from you. Make time for each other...go on a date and hire a babysitter. You should always keep the flame burning in your relationship. Make it a commitment to go out on a date once a month, and in the meantime, join weight watchers. That is a great program and pretty easy.

P.S. If you are suspicious that he might be seeing someone, check the cell phone records online and see if you see any phone numbers that he calls a lot and for long periods time.

Hi, J.;
I have been married for 21 years, we have 2 kids (and 1 in Heaven) and have been through some very hard times...like everyone who is married! So this is what I believe: that your husband may not be happy with life in general. Working on the weekends may give him the relief of getting out of the house, but maybe what he is doing with his time wasn't ever what he expected or had in mind. How about you? Have you always wanted to start a family and work outside the home as well? Regarding your weight, I think you need to consider how it affects you. When I am overweight I feel tired, have no energy, am self-conscious about my looks, and so on. Since at this time in your life you require a lot of energy (but, when don't we?) you might consider cutting out the worst of whatever fattening foods you like: it will save you money and maybe help you lose a little weight. More importantly, I don't think you need to be overly apologetic, if at all, about your weight toward your husband. This can give him the idea that "Yes, consarnit, I am right to demand that she change!" You may announce sometime if you decide to, that you are tired of feeling _____ (whatever) so you plan on going for walks 4 times a week or something like that. It's fine for him to be happy at this, but it's also good that you do it for yourself. Now for the biggest challenge I see you folks having: You are almost never together, and this makes it nearly impossible to show eachother that you are each the number one priority in your lives. (This, by the way, is something you have to take years to practice, and you may have to be the one to "go first" in demonstrating this. But it's worth it.) You are already acting like your family is the most important thing in your life! But does your husband feel it, and know it? If he is not happy in his work and how he spends his day, he can easily be blind to your good intentions. I am speaking from years of married experience. If I were you, I would talk to him about his happiness in his situation. Tell him what you observe and ask if you are right. (Not about your body. You know that already and don't need a reminder.) Ask if he would be happier working full time in the week, and you could work part or full time in the week and then you would have weekends and evenings together. I know how it feels to think about day care for one's little children, if one is not so inclined...but the priority in a family has to be the marriage, or the rest of the family doesn't have anything to rest on. You are not failing at anything, J.. You are carrying more than you need to, I think. Try imagining what you would like to teach your daughter: how would you want to have her see you work out this situation? What you do...teaches her by example. I think you must be beautiful! J.

Ultimately you want to do it for yourself.....try the website sparkpeople.com (it’s FREE!).
There are several ways to use the site...calorie counting, they can make meal plans for you, they have great exercises you can do at home. The web site gives you a realistic picture of how much weight you can use in a given time. I have a one and a half year old and I am still working on the weight issue. I work full time and I am able to do the exercises while hanging out in my daughter’s room when we get home. We play in between sets. Exercising in front of your child can be a good role model also. I have been using the site for two weeks and have lost 10 pounds without suffering from a diet. I just adjusted the foods we eat and think more about putting food in my mouth....am I just bored? or am I really hungry? Plus I learned how to sneak in those exercises to get stronger and walking with a stroller can be a great cardio workout.

Dear J.;
You sound like Wonder Woman to me. Yes, you WILL lose your baby fat. Everyone does, it just takes a little time. But I don't think that's going to solve your problem, frankly. You do all the housework, and you're the chief bradwinner in the family. You are NOT a Stepford Wife, and I hope you never aspire to be.
Marriage is a two-way street. It's mutually supportive, as is any healthy relationship. Maybe it's because I grew up without the usual family supports but I learned over time that security is mostly an illusion. It was easy for me to walk away from a job, a friendship or even a marriage if I was not being nurtured. My priority has always been to be in a situation where my wants and needs were just as important as the other persons. If I wasn't happy, I tried to fix it by communicating my feelings clearly to the other person. If my efforts failed, I moved on to greener pastures.
Your husband is just immature, I guess. But why should you have to work like a dog and and be made to feel inadequate? Ask if he's willing to go to counseling with you. If not, you need to create a new, happier reality for yourself and your daughter. Who you are as a person is a committed, hard-working, loving mother and woman. These facts have nothing whatsoever to do with how much you weigh, do they? Sometimes taking a leap into the Unknown means finding out that you can fly.

Why do YOU do everything??????
Forget his needs, there is no way for you to focus on your weight when you are so busy.
Tell him to do his share at home and maybe you will have time to work on your weight. Jerk. Your situation is so infuriating I'll just shut up now.

Hello J., You have received a ton of advice, but I particularly like Rick Hanson who wrote Mother Nurture. Check out his website. He opens a great conversation for couples because this transition is just always hard on everyone. http://www.nurturemom.com/

You need to have some self esteem
Give yourself a pat on the back. Make a date with your husband, get a baby sitter write down all points you feel need to be discussed and talk about it. Your weight should not even be an issue in a marriage. I am sure there are some undrlying feelings within u as u feel more responsible for everything around the home.
See where it goes!!!!!!!!!!!!! All the best
PS It does not harm to lose a few pounds just becoz it is better for your health and u want to take care of it so u can be a good rolemodel for ur little girl
enjoy her

If your thyroid and adrenals aren't working right, you'll end up losing muscle mass instead of fat when you diet and exercise. Ask your doctor to refer you to an endocrinologist. Your thyroid and/or adrenal systems may be under-functioning. You can starve yourself and work out all day long without losing weight if your body's systems can't turn the fat you have into usable energy.

If you've always struggled with weight, your thyroid may always have been low. Trauma to the throat or severe stress to the body can depress or disrupt thyroid function. Pregnancy and childbirth (especially if difficult) can cause an under-functioning thyroid to shut down completely. Read up online, there is a wealth of great information. Particularly Mary Shomon's About.com site.

Stop blaming yourself (or absorbing blame from others) and get tested!

I suspect your husband is acting this way because he is insecure himself. Also, I'm sure working as a bartender does not help with exposure to unrealistic expectations of appearances and sexuality. It is really important for you both to get to the bottom of what is really happening with the relationship. I suspect the "letting things go" is just a superficial part of a larger problem. Whatever it is, make sure you really get to the bottom of it now before it gets ignored and becomes a part of your relationship.

You appear to be a lovely and supporting woman. Your husband should love you with affection regardless of your weight. I would encourage you to first love yourself. See your needs. You should eat healthy foods, exercise and practice a stress free lifestyle. You should balance your motherhood,wife and work. This may allow your hormones to balance and the weight may decrease.

I would not be so sure that it is actually just about weight, if at all about the weight. Your husband may be having a difficult time feeling like a real man while staying home with the child and allowing you to be the bread-winner, which can affect his sex drive. His saying you are not taking care of his needs may be psychological as well, all men want to feel needed and that they are appreciated - no matter what their role is. You also sound like you are harboring resentment due to the fact that you have to work and take care of the home. I would suggest counseling, find someone you both feel really comfortable with that does not waste your time talking about your childhoods but gives you homework and tools to use to better communicate. You need someone who seems to support both of you equally in trying to find a way to help you both get what you need out of your marriage. Best of luck to you.

Dear J.,
While having a baby is one of the best things that will ever happen in your life, it does change you forever! Weight gain is very common and those hips are never narrow again! I have four kids, all grown now, but the weight never left. It has been the one real challenge of my life and has changed me, both for bad (health problems) and for good. The good has been that it has built character into my life in a way that only happens through struggle. I have had to deal with self-loathing and learn that I have value regardless of how I look and feel.

While I prefer like you to get my body under control and not have problems with my mental/emotional and physical self, I cannot deny that there is good to be found even in a bad situation. I hope you will never doubt your worth to God and to your family and to yourself.

It does seem that there is an imbalance with your spouse re. duties, but its difficult to judge...this may increase your sense of resentment...and stress does not help with weight loss.

Taking time for yourself...a half hour even or better an hour is the best way to walk it off and also get time for your mental health and sense of well being. Every professional will tell you this. A sensible diet of 1200 calories and not too strenuous 5day a week workout will get you to goal.
Best wishes.

Hi J.,
I myself never dealt with that, my husband was never bothered about it. It actually turned him on a little he said, (I was the one that was a little concerned at first) But if he had had a problem with the weight gain etc. It probably would have bothered me that he didnt like it. But guys just dont know what the body goes through, weight gain, swelling, frequent trips to the bathroom etc. Maybe try having along time together to read a pregnancy book or something. Maybe then he could be a little more open minded.

I totally understand you being angry. It sounds like you do everything. Some nights I'll hear the baby but wait for my husband to get up and get him so he knows that getting up all night long is not easy.
I'm struggling with the same weight thing, except that my son is almost a year and I STILL have 30 lbs of baby weight. I've recently gone back on Weight Watchers. It makes sure you're eating enough to boost your metabolism while keeping you from overeating. I try to make a list of all the things I'm going to eat for the day, so I know what I can have, and it deters me from snacking on other, more fattening things. Which is really cause I love chocolate!! ;D
Also, you sound so busy, you probably don't have time to excercise. But maybe a walk around the block with hubby and baby after work? That's the other thing we've just started and I've found it gives us a chance to catch up on each other, too.
I dunno, just some thoughts!! Good luck!!

Good morning ~

Well I have to tell you that I've read all the replys to your situation and I have to agree with all of them in one way or the other. First and foremost: get into counseling! For you ~ you will be able to address your husbands issues by learning how to properly communicate with him; for him ~ he'll learn that it's not about him and realize that he isn't holding up his end of the bargain. It sounds like he is the one who is having serious issues and wants to make you responsible for his unhappiness. BULL! His happiness isn't dependant on what you do or don't do, it comes from within. He needs to learn how to deal with whatever he is feeling and taking responsibility for it.

He needs to start taking a more active role in your marriage. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, financial ~ whatever to help you regain control of yourself and have the ability to get some time FOR yourself. You'll find that if he steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for more activities, you'll have more time for each other as well. Your weight will, in time, come off ~ but I truly don't think this is the most important issue right now. Your sanity is.

I wish you all the best. Take care.

Communication is key. The more you communicate with him about this the better you both can understand where each of you is coming from. Having a baby changes a lot in a marriage...intimacy is the first to go, unfortunately, and it's too easy to blame any weight gain rather than just the fact of the matter that life is different now - ESPECIALLY with you doing so much. People who are walking around in bikinis are having the same fights about intimacy with their partners, so it's not so much about the weight as it is about just trying figure out how to have a healthy and happy marriage with a baby in the house! In our house "communication" starts out as arguing and then we calm down and settle into a very decent conversation with great results. Hope this helps! Talk. Talk. Talk!

J.,
take care

Hello J.,
I am a 35 year old mother of two active boys. So, I feel your pain of baby weight. I myself have never been a " bikini model", I have struggled with weight all my life. Your husband sounds a little selfish, and self centered. He does not understand what it feels like to grow another human being in your body. You on the other hand are playing super woman. I suggest counseling for your relationship, and for yourself.I also suggest a day at the spa once in a while to refresh yourself. It makes you a more focused employee,and a way better Mommy.I know life is hectic , and busy. But taking time out is a great thing. Your partner does not sound nurturing or supportive, so you need to find it within for a time. Or with a trusted family member or friend. Even if your husband won't agree to counseling for the relationship, you should go for yourself. As far as the weight goes, a small change in diet, and excerise patterns could overtime help that. I am not saying go all out starvation diet, but just small changes at a time. For example using handweights while you watch TV or use a tread mill to walk if you can't get outside.Like most busy people sometimes can't. Adding more vegggies,and cutting back on fried food helps, also. This is just the start, and even if your not ready for Fredricks of Hollywood. You can still live in your own skin.

Dear J.,
First of all, you need to be proud of yourself for all that you accomplish and give yourself a bit of a break on your weight. For heaven's sake, you just had a baby 10 months ago. With your very busy life, I would suggest eating as healthfully as possible because you do need the fuel to keep your energy up. Small portions of nutritious foods, often, throughout the day is the best thing for you. You must know that "starving" yourself will have the opposite desired result. If you don't get healthy calories at sustained intervals, your body will hang on to every little thing and turn it to fat, thinking it is in survival mode and preparing for not having enough to live on with all the energy that you burn. All body types are different...all metabolisms are different. You need to give your body time to get itself regulated again with all the hormonal changes that you have experienced....just like every other normal woman who has had a baby. The main thing is NOT to start feeling badly about yourself, because that could start a spiral that will be tough to bounce back from. For YOU, personally. You have an awful lot of responsibility on your shoulders at a very young age and just to get through each day, you need to be able to focus on the positive things you manage. My daughter is turning 22 and there is NO WAY she could handle everything she does PLUS take care of a baby. That said, and I don't want to hurt you, but it sounds like your husband is being an insensitive putz. You haven't "let yourself go", you had a baby and work your head off. I could be wrong, but I think that part of the problem may be his chosen profession. I'm not saying it isn't hard work, but let's face it, he takes care of a baby during the day and then goes off to fun-land on weekends and some evenings. His "job" is going off and being around people who are partying and having a great old time. Maybe he doesn't feel he's really contributing as much and he's taking it out on you. Maybe he just isn't being very mature about the whole thing. I don't think your weight is really the issue. The two of you really need to talk. If you can't do it in a healthy way, just the two of you, then find a couple's counselor who can help you to communicate. Otherwise, resentment will build. And you need most importantly, to know that you are beautiful and worthy. Your husband needs to know that you need that....and that you need it from HIM.
Devotion is a two-way street. You are both very young and I believe you can get through this. Saying hurtful things back and forth that aren't resolved will never accomplish that.
Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to ask for help.
You are worth it.

Hi J.!

I'm so sorry that you are going through all these emotions during your pregnancy. It's hard enough to feel "pretty" when you're pregnant. But when your husband says things like that to you, it must be so hurtful and cause even MORE insecurities.

I'm sure most women would say "leave him!" But, if I could try to tell you that HE must be going through a sort of "identity problem" himself during this pregnancy. Maybe he's the one feeling "insecure" about the whole situation, and by belittling you, it somehow makes him feel "more manly". I mean, it sounds like you might be in charge of everything in the household, including being the bread-winner. How is that making him feel? It may have been "nice" at first, but now maybe he's feeling less than a man.

It's sounds like you two need to talk about your relationship, and the feelings involved about this new baby coming. Maybe there is a way to help him feel better about the whole situation.

I'm sure he wasn't so insensitive when the two of you got together......I mean, who would marry someone that made them feel "ugly" or "unattractive" ?

If this is a new experience to you, then I'm sure it's because of his own insecurities. It might be time to re-address things in your home.

However, if this is nothing new to you, then I believe you need to re-think your marriage and "save" yourself and your beautiful children from further let-downs.

Try communication. Be creative, as it's difficult for most men to sometimes express themselves, especially if they are feeling "less than" their spouse.

I hope things work out for you. Prenancy is beautiful, whether it's planned or not (I should know :o)....You should feel beautiful....no matter what the scale says!

I hope everything works out for you. It sounds like you're reaching out to handle things properly and loving.

Good Luck and know that we'll be here for you!

:o) N.

Hi J.,

Can I ask you why he doesn't do the cleaning? If he is the stay at home dad, then he needs to pick that piece up for you. This could free up some time for you to start taking care of yourself. Maybe you can then do some excercises when you get home instead of clean. It is a conversation that you and your husband need to have on how he can help you obtain this if this is really imporant to him. It is a give and take in every marriage. You also need to remind him, if you didn't look like that when he met you, then he can not expect for you to look that way now. But everyone does need to take care of themselves and if you really truly want to try, then he needs to help you at home more while you are out working your butt off to support the family. Open communication is very vital to all marriages. Start talking about how you feel. He obviously has told you how he is feeling, now you need to share how you feel too. I hope this helped.

Unfortunately, it sounds as if he is using this as a very poor excuse, because he doesn't want to look at his own lack of contribution to the marriage. Additionally, he sounds very immature. If he's a bartender, he probably sees a lot of young, single girls dressed in very little, and has completely unrealistic expectations of what a real woman should look like. I would absolutely recommend seeking out a good marriage counselor. You can also check out www.aweekendtoremember.com. This is definitely something you don't want to let go by the wayside. Best of luck to you both!

J.,
Kudos to you for being so young and taking care of business. You should be very proud of yourself for achieving so much at only 23 years old. The one thing you could do is stay confident, take care of yourself and look your best no matter what size you are. I've heard many men say that confidence makes a woman sexy. So don't buy into his insults, I know it hurts, but bite your lip and be proud and confident of yourself. You are a great mother, a fantastic wife, successful career woman and beautiful, don't allow anyone to bring you down.

Much love,
L.

Ask your husband to write a list of the things HE does and then a list of the things he expects you to do. Then you do the same: a list of all you do and what you expect of him. Be specific such as home fixes, who does thank you notes etc.
Sometimes just the writing of the list is an eye-opener. It took me 17 years into my marriage to do this and for the first time I feel as if my husband is a partner. Maybe some counseling with a pastor would help also. This is a hard adjustment time for both of you. But the pressure he is placing on you sure doesn't do much to set the mood! Good Luck

I have been married for 17 years and have 4 children: 13, 10, 7 and 4.

first of all not to take his side but it is very difficult to spend every day at home. Im on the flip side of that one and its tough. Second, dont blame yourself because if he was happy with himself he wouldnt take so much out on you. If he is willing what helped us is to figure out an organized way to share the chores and to share the nights if possible. Its very difficult to jump into an intimate routine again after having a baby too. If you arent one of those lucky couples who cant stay off of eachother it is hard to ease into it again. Especially if you have low self esteem for yourself. Another thing that helps us is to find a babysitter everyonce in a while and get all prettied up and go out. Mostly because we are pretty much a one income family who lives with our inlaws we find stuff to do for free like going to the park or for walks or even just staying home and watching a movie together. We have gotten so much closer now that we only have one room in the house that is ours and he cant be in the living room watching tv while im doing the laundry or something like that. It forces us to spend more time together- intimate and non-intimate. i hope some of this helps and its not just babble. by the way I am a 26 year old mother of a year and a half and pregnant again. Im well over 200lbs and not bikini model. I have never in my life worn a bikini. Keep smiling. Its contagious and dont sweat the small stuff. Hopefully it will all fall into place for you. Oh the other thing I would say is to throw out the rule book. You are the only one who can empower you and put expectations on yourself. if he is not happy then its not your fault. You are who you are. Ok, after reading some of your responses, dont let anybody make you doubt your trust in him. This type of thing does happen to couples who are faithful. Dont let any jaded women cloud your judgement. That will only make things worse. Dont be naieve but dont go thinking that he is cheating on you if you didnt already think it before and there are no other signs. You guys are parents now and are no longer number one priority.

Dear J.~
The most important thing is to stay connected to each other.
Don't forget to nurture each other. He needs to spend time on you as much as you do for him. Don't drop date nights because of the baby. Even if you can't get out of the house often you should have a date in once the baby goes to bed. It isn't easy especially when you are very tired from all that you do. See... I wish I had taken this advice long ago.
My marriage is suffering, we are at a major disconnect and it is our relationship that is struggling even though we've brought two wonderful boys into the world. His life focuses around the boys when he is home. The boys are 6 and 8 and I have been married for fifteen years.
Baby weight shouldn't be an issue. He loved you as you were before the pregnancy and now you have given the best gift..a child. Nuture your relationship. The closer you feel to each other the better you will feel and then you can add in taking care of yourself which is very important as well. Eating right and exercises as you can. No bikini model here either.
Best wishes.
L. P.

while women have gained more independence and equality (not quite there, but definitely better than before), roles for men have changed slowly. for a lot of men, not being the primary breadwinner can be a huge ego blow. if your husband is showing any signs of self-doubt, then that will show up in how he relates to you and views you. not taking on the full responsibilities as a stay-at-home dad or expecting you to do everything when you get home is also a symptom of men's roles changing more slowly than women's roles. they're just taking longer to change and adapt. they also feel threatened.

so if your husband is bitter about himself, he may take it out on you.

this absolutely does not excuse him one bit. just trying to give you a bit of perspective.

i agree that you should hire a sitter or find a friend to sit and go out with him. try to focus on your marriage in general. this will be good for both of you, not just "give him attention." it doesn't have to be romantic. you can do something active, like go for a hike or walk.

i also think you should make it clear to him that he will need to give you the time to fit in exercise into your schedule. he will need to contribute more if you need more time to do that. you are not super woman!

also, i would let him know why you love him, even if it seems impossible with him being such a jerk right now. then say, "i hope you love me for other reasons than how i look."

it is really difficult to reconcile your new body after a baby. some women find it easier to lose the weight than others. find whatever support you can with other women in real life.

J. - Just know that it has only been 10 months. The stress of being a new parent and trying to juggle everything at once can be a challenge for anyone. Explain to your husband that you may need some alone time at least 3 times a week, even if it's just for an hour, this will allow you some alone time to care for yourself and your needs. Good Luck :-)

Something to remember is that new parents often have a lapse in intimacy and physical affection, due to all the new demands on your life.
Losing weight is HARD. Sometimes it only comes when you are NOT feeling bad about your appearance. I definately struggle with weight and am losing for the firsr time (I have a 4 year old daughter) because I examined my diet, identified the foods I have no control with, went to a registered nutitionist, made a plan. The ONLY way I can stick to the plan is write a food journal. I am also a fan of Weight Watchers, because of the meetings, which give you feedback and a support group.
Also remember that tired parents who work are often not nice to each other, it is very hard to be sometimes. A counseller REALLY helps. Best of luck.

Hi J.,

I understand your frustration. I am 41, in the military and a mother of 4. My youngest is 21 mos and the others and 16, 14, & 12. After my last child I struggled to loose weight. Several people at my work have started a diet program called Medifast. I reciently started it myself. I have been on it for 6 weeks and I have lost 17 pounds. You may be thinking "easy for you", well no it wasn't. Prior to this diet I tried several different things and they didnt' work. Even when I was 21 I had a hard time loosing weight. Everyone looses at a different rate but I have found that this has worked the best for me. You can research the product online and if you are interested I have a name of a doctor in the sacramento area. You can email me at ____@____.com . I know this my not be a complete solution to the issues you have. I to have a husband that does less then I do around the house and with our daughter. It is very frustrating. You can email me even if you just want to talk.

M. Lopez

You're not taking care of HIS wants and needs? What about YOUR wants and needs? And just WHO IS taking care of HIS needs?
Obviously, someone else. If he's not touching you and loving you the way you are, and he's only 25, then he's touching and loving someone else. And, He doesn't deserve you. You are a hard working new mom who needs support and caring and loving. Not heartache. I feel very sorry for you, because I have seen this before and it rarely has a happy ending. Your husband should love you unequiveacably. No questions asked. He should be supporting you and helping you. Not complaining about you. You and your husband need help, Quickly! Just to see if you can save this marriage. If indeed you really want to. I am so sorry for writing like this to you, you have enough on your plate already. But you are being abused, emotionally. And that is cruel. Please take care of YOURSELF and your beautiful little baby girl. You two should come first.Pray, J., to God for his help and guidance. Don't go through this alone. God bless you.

I didnt have a lot of weight to lose after the baby (15 lbs) but it did take a long time. 10 months for the first 10 lbs and the last 5 took another 8 months. But I dont feel like that the main problem. I just something that is easy to point out. It seem like more communication, confidence, alone time, and intimacy are what need to be looked at.

Get your confidence you are a beautiful woman ... what ever that means to you ... get your hair done ... manicure ... buy a sexy dress or find one in your closet. Thia can also help give you alone time. Once you know you are beautiful then you can work with your husband.

Make sure he gets some alone time too!

#1 get a babysitter ... and go on a date or go to his bar with your beautiful self.

Then you can start to talk ... and if he brings up weight ... unless it is hurting your health ... tell him it might not change but you are beautiful the way you are.

It shouldnt matter how much you weigh. Having a baby is a beutiful thing and mothers become more beautiful after giving birth. I commend you on your independence and ability to do it all but the truth is he needs to help. You definatley dont need someone picking on you constantly about your weight. And forgive me but HIS NEEDS, what about yours? You are beutiful the way you are. Welcome to motherhood and with that we all tend to be a little 'fluffier' if he loves you, as cheesy as this sounds, it shouldnt matter. Keep up the good work and remember you are beautiful!!!!!

I am so sorry that you are going through this after having a baby then going back to work can really put a stress on a marriage. I appreciate you sharing your story, because I can relate to the part of wanting more intimacy. After my sweet baby girl arrived we just do not have the time to date or have more sex.
Due to the lack of intimacy, stress of life and putting myself last, I feel unattractive and depressed about my body image. And yet I know I am the only one who can do something about it.
I continue look for ideas to lose weight and get healthy, this is a day to day struggle. Especially since I come home from work and cook for my family. I am sure every parent can relate.
My goal this week is to put myself first. To make time to exercise and chose a healthy dinner plan that will work for MY diet.
I think I will also plan a date night with my husband (lord know we need it).

J. it has only been 10m since you had your baby, you are still losing baby weight.
Good Luck !

Hi J.,
I really feel for you and understand (as much as I can) how you must be feeling. I've had to deal with this also. I'm in my third pregnancy and since I'm having them all so close together (all within 3 years), I've never quite been able to lose enough pounds to get where I used to be pre-pregnancy. Everytime I'd have 10 more lbs to go, I'd get pregnant again! But it did hurt me quite a bit when my husband admits that size sometimes does matter. But don't get me wrong. He is very loving. Something we have to understand about men in general is that they function differently than us women. They are turned on by sight/visual stimulation. Whereas we tend to look more at their character. Unfortunately, this means that as much as they should love us for just being us, I believe we do need to do what we can to make ourselves relatively attractive to our spouses. I know this is hard to do and I honestly don't do it that often myself - especially looking after 2 little ones. And of course with you working full time, you must be very busy. A few other thoughts: You're post pregnancy only 10 months. It took about that much time to get your weight where it is. It doesn't go away that fast (at least not for me), so it's something you can still work on if you want. Another, is that you can maybe emphasize other attractive qualities you have (like your makeup, clothing, hair, or your positive personality). Also, if it's more sex he wants, it's ok. Have fun and enjoy it. And finally, I do think that if you're trying all these things
and he still is upset about your weight gain, I think he's very immature and self-centered -- and it's a problem that's deeper than just weight gain. I hope this helps.

I totally understand. I gained quite a bit after giving birth to triplets. After the babies were born..well...there were parts of me he didn't want to see unless the lights were turned off. BUT, he's been supportive in trying to get me to lose some of this baby fat. My advice is for you BOTH to come up with a plan and schedule so you can work out. Not only will he be encouraged, but YOU'll feel GREAT and LESS STRESSED. Believe me, It WORKS!!

The first thing I would suggest is for your husband to look for a daytime job. Bartending is not a great job for a married man...too many young things prancing around in skimpy clothing doesn't help the cause. Join a gym that has daycare so you can take the baby if need be. Also, write down all the chores on a paper and divide them up between you and your husband. Tell him that you will lose the weight, but he needs to pitch in on housework to give you the time to do it. In the meantime, surround yourself with friends who will only boost your self esteem. Good luck.

Jamie

I got most of my fat from having babies too. Luckily my DH does not really care. Well, I know we care about our health but he is not grossed out by my weight.
Your DH needs to get supportive of you, and not belittle you. Suggest you go for walks together, or start up a workout routine together. Either that or he needs to support you so you have the time to do it without him.
Either that, or you can tell him to shove it! He is being mean to you. I am sure his comments and actions are not helping your self esteem at all. You should be proud of yourself, your child, your accomplishments. Next in line is your appearance. Good Luck with a solution and best wishes on your new look!

Many, many women do not lose their baby fat within 4 months of delivery. You need more time. Also, we lose weight easier when we're HAPPY. Is your husband meeting any of YOUR needs in respect to helping you with housework, cooking, shopping, cleaning, surprising you with a treat or lots of hugs and thank you's for working and supporting him?

I don't want to encourage discord, but please don't be a doormat and just let him walk all over you. That will not help your child to grow up in a healthy happy home. He needs to RESPECT you and support you in other ways if he isn't going to support you financially, or at least 50%.

Good luck. I think counseling could help.

My struggle with baby weight was very difficult after my first baby. It would not leave my body no matter how I tried: Exercise, lots of water, watching what I ate... I'd lose, but it always came back. With my second child I didn't seem to gain too much weight, but I was already significantly heavier than before I'd had children. The toll it took on my marriage was in the form of depression. I was never diagnosed, but I had low self esteem due to my wieght gain and the fact that I couldn't find employment after my baby was born. I lost interest in everything except my children. I didn't keep house, I didn't cook and when my husband got home from work I wanted to leave and go shopping to get a break from being at home all day. THAT is what took a toll on my marriage.
My husband was frustrated and couldn't see that I was depressed, he just saw me as lazy and assumed I was taking him for granted.
Things didn't get better until I got counseling and decided I needed to do something to feel better about myself. I decided to go back to college and get my degree. It look 5 years as a part time student, but I finally got my degree and am currently working on my teaching credential.
Both my husband and I struggle with excess weight and we both do the grocery shopping; sometimes together, sometimes individually. We take our kids for walks or to the park when the weather permits, sometimes my husband works out with weights in the garage. We don't always diet or exercise together, but we always try to support each other in the effort. Even if the weight isn't coming off fast enough, my husband sees I'm trying. A majority of the time my husband will lose 5 to 8 pounds a week and I might lose 3 pounds. It's very frustrating to be doing the exact same things, or even more, and not lose as much as him.

As for your husband... when does he expect you to have time to attend Weight Watchers or go to the gym? You work full time, then come home and work some more while he goes to work or does nothing. If his shift ends when you get home, you don't have time to worry about losing weight. It sounds as if you're already taking care of a lot of his wants and needs... he can stay home with the baby and work part time while you support the family working full time.

If your husband is so concerned about your weight, he could try helping you by either looking into gyms you can join and watching your daughter on his nights off while you work out or he could research diet options. He could even put the baby in a stroller and go walking with you, or stay with her while you go for a walk. He doesn't have to diet or work out with you, he just has to support you in your effort if your weight is that important to him.
It took you nine months to gain the weight, it's going to take some time to lose it, too. It won't go faster, but it would be nicer if your husband could be encouraging and helpful.

Aww, hang in there and keep your chin up!!! Girl Power! Stay strong!!! It's not your problem it's his. I was married to a man like that, we are divorcing, not saying that's the answer but he's got to love you unconditionally, fat or thin. I've noticed some men have that gene and some don't. It hurts to the core and i still suffer from low self esteem from those days of not feeling loved. You are the breadwinner too?!! And he's saying all that? I'm so sorry my dear. I am a personal trainer and i've dealt w/ weight issues myself. Email me is you like of any questions you might have on leaning up...main thing is there is no secret...you must work out and must lower your caloric intake..there has to be a deficit to lose the weight....start by walking POWER walking...brisk, fast, pumping your arms....go at your lunch break if possible....do weight training 2-3 times a week....caloric intake 1200 cals if possible 10-15 grams fat/day....eat Omega 3 fats to feel satisfied...avocado, raw almonds, fish oils...eat mostly lean meats and vegis, fruits for snacks...4-5 small meals /day will help yuour metabolism speed up...drink only water 8-10 glasses/day....ask your dr. first if this is all ok to do for your situation...if you are breast feeding you may need to adjust w/ more cals...eat the volume of your food the size of your hand from fingers to the bottom of your palm, so small meals...any questions, email me at ____@____.com Good luck and God Bless

tell him you are trying a new diet.the weight you will be struggling to lose will be HIM!!!!!

J., it sounds like you are doing everything including be the breadwinner. I wonder if your husband's feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-respect are the real reason he is having sexual problems. Maybe you should be a little less "strong" and require more of him and he may build up a better self-esteem. As for your weight, obviously you want to be healthy, but I don't think your body is at the root of your problems. Both of you should meet each other's needs. Tell him you feel tired from working all the time and self-conscious because he has been critical of you. Show him what he can do to make you a more enthusiastic sexual partner. It isn't fair for you to carry the burned alone.

Dear J.,
I am sorry you are struggling. I would feel angry too. It seems like you are having trouble asking for what you need from your husband. As women, we sometimes feel we have to be super beings in order to feel good about ourselves. I'll bet if you sat down with your husband and talked to him without anger about how overwhelmed you feel he might start to get the idea that he is not contributing his fair share.
It is o.k. for you to ask for what you want and need. It doesn't make you weak or unaccomplished. The key is to ask in a rational and matter of fact way without too much emotion. How do I know? I faced the same issues with my husband early in our marriage. I told him it was time to renegotiate the contract. I told him it was my fault for allowing him to let me do so much , but that now it was time to change things because I couldn't handle it all. Miraculously, it worked. I also let him know frequently how hot it makes me to see him with a vacum or a dishwasher!
Ask him for some time each day so you can take a walk or exercise. Tell him if he wants the prebaby you, he has to do his part. Also remember, if he is home all day with the baby , he has his own set of stress as well. Good luck to you!!

Not About the Baby Weight...

His complaints are not the effect of baby weight. They are the effect of something else that is quite unlikely to be your fault. I think he has a problem of his own and is using your physical shape as a convenient target on which to blame his mental discomfort. I wouldn't share this perspective with him, but hopefully you can take some peace in your awareness that this is not really about you. There is nothing wrong with you simply because of your weight and your weight cannot possibly be responsible for such a reaction in him. There is something with which he is personally struggling and it doesn't have anything to do with your weight.

I'm sorry I can't offer more specific advice, but I am sure of one thing - that this is NOT about your weight. He is making the big mistake by basically telling you you're "not good enough." That's never a good step in marriage. In fact, it's the most counterproductive thing to do if one earnestly wants to have a better marriage.

The "not good enough" message is a sign of narcissism and many people struggle with it severely.

One good book on the topic is called "Why Is It Always About You?" by Sandy Hotchkiss. http://www.amazon.com/Why-Always-About-You-Narcissism/dp/... It includes tips and strategies on handling people who dismiss or minimize your feelings and experience and try to make you feel guilty just for being as if your being is somehow hurting them and oh, how dare you! If you look it up on Amazon it will link you to several other books on narcissism in relationships. Again, don't share them with your husband anytime soon, just read them on your lunch break and hopefully they can give you some peace and some tools. Best wishes! Hang in there!

Hi J.. I am sorry you are dealing with a partner not understanding the stress of being a mom plus a wife plus working full time plus all the other hats you put on during the day that working out or losing weight has to take last place because you can't think it about it right now. I know it took me at least a year to really think about losing the baby weight. I wasn't motivated to take it off and thank god I have a husband that didn't harass me about it.
After my daughter turned a year old and I finally found that I needed to do it for myself...mostly to have some alone time haha...did I start working out three days a week and eating right.
I think you have to tell your husband about all the pressure you feel and what he said to you that has hurt your feelings. And that's the best you can do. Other then that, I would say find some time in your schedule to carve out some you time. And focus on the right reasons to be healthy.

Wow! First of all please try to see yourself as a beautiful being & just perfect as you are because you are not just a body but a beautiful soul that has so much more to offer to this world. You should be very proud to have been able to bare a child into this world & maybe you should rethink how your husband really fits into your plans. Just think if there was nothing that would obstruct your inner most desire for your life plans, what would that be? When you find the answer go for it & do it. You are so young & deserve all the best. Nothing is that impossible & there are a lot of things that you can do for weight loss out there. You know, you can simply just take 30 minute walks all together as a family 3 to 4 times a week. But more pressing I think; is to gain your self esteem back & your confidence. Love yourself very much & stop giving so much to others. Give, give, give, give to the inner you! About your husband, I just think that a man that is well balanced in all aspects of the word should realize that to love is to accept others as they are with out trying to change them. Respect & love are so important more than SEX because the SEX changes in time as we age & becomes such a different feeling when we get older. It gets better but more meaningful & becomes only an extension of the love & not just the act or the fulfillment of ones carnal desires. A mommy should be honored by her husband/significant-other, for she gave life to his child. I also feel that a man should take FULL responsibility of his family specially financially. Your words really got to me & I hope that this will aid you just a little bit. You are not alone in this! Angel Touch.

Hi J., Your message made me sad. I felt compleled to write you back. Having a baby changes your body for good. I don't know anyoneone who can honestly say it hasn't but I also hear you say that "I was not a bikini model when he met me, so I don't know where he got it into his head that this was possible for me". In that sentence you are saying it is impossible for you to be. You have already given up on yourself. Your are not only worthy of his love and affection (after giving him the best gift in life) but you are cappible of getting back into shape. You deserve this for you. Try looking into the mirror each morning, into your EYES and telling yourself how beautiful you are and that you deserve, and will have the best in life. At first it will be hard, you ay even laugh but do it. The rest will follow. You first have to belive it yourself. You have to make time for you. Let him take over some the the household task so you can go for a walk. Believe you can do it and rest will follow. T.

He needs to grow up and realize what a wonderful wife he has. Lucky man! It sounds like he has some issues on low self esteem and putting you down makes him feel superior. I strongly suggest getting yourselves to a marriage counselor. I believe that this would help since you have open discussions about this.(By the way, if you don't like your counselor, by all means change.) I am wondering how much weight your husband would gain with a pregnancy??? Do you have time to exercise? If so, do it WITH your husband - maybe taking a walk after dinner so you can also bring your child. Try to make it fun. You are NOT failing - you sound like a great person. It seems to me that maybe you and your husband are not equals intellectually. Could your husband take some classes at a JC or somewhere to improve his intellect?

J.,

The problem is not yours, it is his. He needs to go to family counseling and learn what it means to be a father and a supportive husband.
You have a lot on your plate and need a little help managing things. If he is the stay-at-home person then he needs to take care of the house or suggestion might be to hire a cleaning lady, which will give you an hour or so to care for you. Take at least an hour for you a day and all else balances out.

Not fair, you are doing too much and he is criticizing you!
Maybe he should work some more so that you can join a gym.... Or maybe take up jogging together?
It is NOT easy to lose baby weight. I kept 20 pounds on with each kid and am pregnant with my 3rd. I am planning to aggressively walk this summer and train for the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk.
Be kind to yourself and make sure he is too!