Hello W.,
I don't have teens yet, mine are 10 & 5 but the 10 year old isn't far off. I have to ask myself what would I do if either of my kids displayed the type of behavior your son has shown.
My first instinct is that drastic times call for drastic measures. Can you drag him to counseling? That might be a good place to start.
What about fitting locks/alarms/bars on the doors & windows so you know if he's sneaking out? Or sleep in a sleeping bag on his floor so you would know?
Does he respect his step-dad at all?
I would find a way to explain to him that once he's 18, he can do as he pleases, but until he's out of your house, he HAS to live by your rules!
I would check with a mentor program or something. Find someone he can relate to and look up to who is male, and get him together with that person. A coach, a teacher, someone who shares an interest. Is there anyone like that in his life?
Maybe this sounds goofy, but I have been talking to my 10 year old daughter since she was 6 or 7 about career choices, skills, education, what life is like with those things in life and what life is like without those things. At 10 years old I tell her she'll have the rest of her natural life to date boys, but get the education and career down NOW, so she can be independent when she decides to invite a potential guy into HER SPACE!!!
Once after a car accident I had, we had to drive an older model rental with crank windows, and manual locks, etc. My kids FREAKED OUT that there were no bells and whistles on this car. I laughed and used to to explain that this is likely the type of car they will have when they get older if they don't get the kind of education and job to drive a nicer car. A few days later, I was given a $47,000 Infinity to drive as a rental when it came in, and they went wild over it. Loaded, leather trim, push button start, moon roof, the list goes on. I explained they would have to have a very good salary to drive this type of car in life, I can't afford one myself!!! I am surprised it fell in my hands for even a short while.
The point is, someone, somehow, somewhere has to explain & illustrate what this kid's life is going to turn out to be if he doesn't start caring and getting his priorities in line. Find some single teenage mothers and their boyfriends and let them explain how their lives have turned out for them. Find a young successful white-collar couple either with or without planned kids, and let them explain their path to him. Let him see the nice house and cars they drive, and all their cool stuff. Then ask him which path he wants because you are not going to bail his sorry butt out of misery when he makes bad choices that leave him unhappy.
I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs but if you do, I'd yank them out now and implement them in your life and attempts to get through to him. Maybe he wouldn't listen anyway, I am not sure how unruly he is when you try to talk to him.
I try to teach my kids concepts of God, family, education, career, and independence!! The other very important concept is this, you don't have to make a lot of money to be happy. There are plenty of people living on modest incomes who are perfectly happy. Please illustrate, explain, show him all the different working classes and life-styles so he can choose. Money will never ever buy happiness. HOWEVER, enough money makes life easier and you can do more with it than without it. (buy piano lessons, math tutoring, nice clothing etc.) These are examples I use on my kids. I think most of us might agree it SUCKS to not have money for the things we need or want to give our kids to enrich their lives. Let's face it, we live in a day and age where simple sports or music lessons can cost a lot of money.
Also important concepts are family planning and making important steps in life in the correct order. Education and skills MUST come first. Who cares if he doesn't want to do everything text-book? Find out what he likes and encourage him to find a trade-school or something meaningful. If he wants a Doctorate Degree, find a way to help him reach for the stars! Where there is a will, there is way.
I often use most of my mistakes or my husbands mistakes as examples of what not to do with my kids!!! And now I am finishing an education I should have finished 15 years ago!!! It's darn hard!
Kids learn very well visually, and by experiences. FIND A WAY to illustrate these types of choices and consequences to him. Tell him when he's 18, at that point he can choose. Until then, he needs to follow your wishes! As a last resort, if he can't agree, he may need to move over to Juvey Hall or Military School. I wouldn't tolerate what he's been doing in your house any longer. Please make sure he knows you love him.
Good Luck! God Bless!
Much Love,
D.