Seeking Advice for a Stressed Out Husband

S.,
That sounds very similar to what I'm going through right now. I have two kids; one 2 and the other is one month.
I talk to my husband every time I can; and he realizes that he's stressed. We decided to take some short vacation (Friday to Sunday) so that we could all charge batteries. We went to the mountains and although I still woke up to feed my little one, a change of air was great!
Maybe you guys need to do that so that you can recharge batteries.
A..

My husband was in the same boat. My daughter is now 15 months, but a week before I was induced my husband received a promotion. Trust me, it was great but stressful for all of us. What I did was make sure my daughter was ready to see her daddy when he got home. I would make sure her pants were changed, she was fed (a little earlier so he would not get spit on), and she was ready to be stimulated and played with. I know being a SAHM is hard work to say the least, but this was the only way I could releive some of the stress. Daddy felt like he was getting quality time and relaxing with her. The best thing I can tell you is to eliminate the babay stress for him and make it more quality time. Then maybe on the weekends he could give you an hour or so to give you some time. It is a juggle. I work full time and so does my hubby, so by the time we all get home we ALL have had enough. I understand....maybe this little change will help?

One thing that REALLY helped my husband get into the "Dad thing" was to let him find a place to go or thing to do with the baby where he could be on his own. I think my husband was most stressed out by the fact that I had more practice at being a mom because I was home all day with the baby. So he got nervous when I was there "watching." If he couldn't get the baby to stop crying very quickly, he'd hand him over to me and throw his hands up.
Once he discovered that our son LOVED to go outside, no matter the weather, he had a way to get him to stop crying, and it boosted his confidence. It also gave him a place to go and try out being a dad without an audience. They would go and sit on a bench in the front yard and watch cars drive past. Soon, they would go out there just because it was "their" place. And joy of joys, DH would actually take the crying baby from me and go to "their place," instead of getting frustrated and asking me what was wrong with him.
You may have to nudge your husband in the right direction. If the baby cries while he's holding him, suggest something he likes (maybe going outside would work for you, too) in a way that keeps your husband's ego intact. Like, "You know, honey, today I discovered that he seems to like going outside. Maybe you could try that?" That way it's not the master mommy teaching the delinquent dad.
I hope you get some advice that will help!

All I can say is 25 years ago, I went through the same situation with two children. My daughter was a newborn and my son a toddler. I went out of my way to keep things 'less stressful' for my husband because of his executive job,travel and long hours. I kept the children away from him when he got home from work for the first 1/2 hour to hour etc. and on weekends tried to keep the children busy and not 'bothering' their dad. In hindsite it was a dis-service to my (then) husband and the children! Parenting is a learned behavior, by not allowing the normal 'connection' with 'our' children, he never became close with them. He and they (my kids are 25 and 27 now) are estranged. He constantly makes decisions that don't consider them in the 'big' picture. They feel sometimes that their dad doesn't love them. I do feel that those early years and the 'bonding' that should have occured with their interaction/care that I experienced might have happened with their dad as well, if I had not been so "concerned" about them 'bothering or stressing out their dad'. HE is their PARENT too! Just another perspective gleened from 'way down the road' in the parenting scenerio! Good Luck! C. :>

Maybe he could take the baby for a walk every night and that could be his time to unwind as well as give him something to look forward to. Maybe even to the park and let them play together without you. He needs to get to know what your son is all about just like you have. He should be in clothes that are washable to get the spit up out of.

Another idea is to make home a refuge. Where he looks forward to coming home. I am not saying this works all the time because a home with kids is never without something going on.
Good Luck,
C. B

I wish I had better advice, but I'm still a bit away from where you are. I am 6 months pregnant and married to a very busy, often stressed out guy. He often travels 3weeks out of the month and when he does get home, he wants to have his "chill" time too. So, that's my big advice (humble huh), see if you two can come up with what would help him relax when he gets home so that the time he has with you and his/your son is better. My husband often needs to play a game on the computer or lift weights or watch a stupid sports game... I find if I don't bombard him with my needs and thoughts etc (-since I'll have been saving them up for hours or days to share with him-) when he first gets home he is more helpful and calm.

I know your time together is limited, but in my humble opinion, even ten minutes of good relaxed quality time, is better than an hour of frustration and anxiety.

I have had a similiar situation. I am a SAHM. My husband after 2 yrs as a crew member became Crew manager. It was the start of some of the worst 5 months of our lives. He was ALWAYS stressed out because of work and brought the stress home. He was extremely frustrated at our 3 kids all the time. It put a huge wedge in our marriage. It was horrible. Finally after alot of discussing it with each other he decided to resign our position as Manager and go back to crew member. From the very day he gave his notice our lives have gotten better. It took so long for him to change back because he was afraid that we wouldn't be able to afford to make it. I had to show him that we could make it and I would help out anyway I could. It wasn't difficult for me because I grew up poor so spending less is easy for me and figuring out how to cut the cost of bill was a little more difficult but definetely do-able. Talk with your hubby. See if he can identify what is stressing him out. See if you can do anything to aleviate his stress. It might take awhile to identify exactely what is stressing him out because he may not realize what exactely is stressing him out in the first place. Maybe it is the job, maybe it is being a new father. Try to help out anyway possible to destress him. If you want to talk some more my e-mail is ____@____.com I can give ideas on how to help destress him. But don't want to take up more space here.
T.

hi there just a quick suggestion

give him a little extra attention and show him how proud of him you are and how much you appreciate him

in the hustle and bustle of everything we forget about each other

plan a date night

nothing extravagant but yet relaxing

a walk throught the park

good luck

My husband and I went through a similar thing with a job change and high stress levels. Someone suggested he take a good quality multivitamin and 5-HTP to help cope. It turned him into a different person. It was amazing. He really struggles with dealing with stress, and stress makes him angry--inside, even when he tries not to show it. He would react inappropriately--angrily yelling for a toddler throwing her cup on the floor, etc... The 5-HTP took away his anger. It was really a huge, life changing event for us. I am amazed at what a difference it made in our lives. You can get it at any natural food store--vitamin cottage, Whole Foods, Wild Oats, etc... for $10 or $15. Also, I think the New Chapter vitamins helped as well. They have a specific one for coping with stress--it has higher B vitamins and some specific herbs. They are kind of expensive--$25 to $35 a bottle, but a really high quality, food based vitamin. I like that the vitamin is not synthesized in a lab, but based on food instead. Anyway, we were seeing a counselor for $100/hour who suggested this--which allowed us to stop seeing her. I figure I would rather spend $50/month on supplements than $200 or $300 a month on a counselor. So--there is my $100 advice, passed on to you at no charge. :-) Seriously, it is a big change when a baby comes into your life, and it takes some getting used to. I thought it would just be magically natural, and it was hard when we discovered parenting a new baby wasn't easy and just natural--that although filled with joy, it was exhausting (up all night), draining (holding and nursing all day long!), confusing (why is she crying? What should I do?) and confidence-shaking (Who ever thought nursing would be so hard to get the hang of?). Anyway, it is a huge adjustment, for both of you, and some nutritional support can be really helpful--for both of you. I would recommend the vitamins for you, too.

GOod luck!

Just a quick suggestion for you, maybe give your husband a little time to unwind after a stressful day at work before he steps in and helps with the baby--whether it be he comes home and takes a shower first, or maybe comes home and changes clothes and the 2 of you put the baby in the stroller and go out of for an evening walk. He is going through a big change in his life, with a new job role and a new baby, he needs some down time just as you do.

Also, maybe some just you and him time on the week-end is in order. It doesn't have to be overnight, but just a few hours to give you both some time to connect and let him know that he is a great husband, father, and supporter. Is there a grandparent or auntie that would keep the baby for a few hours on the week-end so that the two of you can have some just mommy and daddy time.

My situation sounds very similar. We have six kids with my youngest being 15 months. I have always worked, until this last pregnancy. I became a stay at home mom, so the stress of money also became a factor. I feel your pain! It got to the point where my husband started having medical problems because of the stress. I had to sit down with my husband a few times and express my concern for him and his health,but also the decline in our quality of life. My husband worked in the same field for 15 years; two years ago he changed companies and that is when life for us changed. He was constantly stressed, always had his phone and computer and our family time decreased and the quality of time wasn't there either. He is the only one that can change it, but you can be a support and let him know you will help him in anyway to make the changes that are needed. My husband recently (in the last 3 weeks) quit his job....and is now doing real estate investing. This is something totally NEW, but we both can already see EXTREME changes in our life (for the better). If your husband decides that he may need to make that kind of a change we would be happy to speak with the both of you about the quality of life changes we have experienced. If not, hang in there and if you need to chat email me at ____@____.com

Hi, S., Congratulations on the blessing of a new child in your family.

It sounds to me like your husband is overwhelmed. From your "little about me" section, I take it that you used to work outside the home since you say your are "now staying at home." I'm assuming that you used to bring in some money to the home. So now your husband is the only breadwinner -- that in itself is very stressful for him.

Add to that his change at work, which is also stressful -- learning a new role, wondering whether his job is secure, etc.

Add to that your new bundle of joy (and spitting up and crying...), which is stressful in itself, and I think your husband needs a way to relax. Often when we have a new child, the spouse who stays home looks ahead desparately to when the other spouse arrives home. We look to that person for companionship (an adult to talk to...hurray!), and, as well, we want a break from being the sole caregiver all day. So the poor spouse opens the door to more "work" -- no time to take a break, relax from the day, and then be ready to take on more purposeful activity and helpfulness.

So! If I am right in my assumptions above, I would suggest that your husband schedule in some break time for himself after work. A walk, a short round of golf, a visit to the gym, a jog, hanging out with his friends, alone time, reading, thinking...whatever works for him BEFORE he takes on the additional work of being with your son (and you). This is especially important if he prefers Introversion (gets his energy by going within and/or being alone). Otherwise he will have little energy to be fully present with you and his son. The result of this will be the symptoms you describe -- frustration, annoyance, impatience.

I know you need a break too, so perhaps you could have someone come in to help you -- a friend of relative or neighbor, who will give you some time to do the above things too (whatever helps you relax and re-energize), so that you have a break and can relax away from your son. If you prefer Extraversion (get your energy from being around people and in the outside world), when your husband comes home, you will want to immediately start talking to him about your day and wanting attention and responsiveness from him. If he needs some down time, he will not be able to meet your needs (nor his son's).

So, my bottom line -- I think it will help to pay particular attention to both of your energy, and to do whatever it takes to have enough energy to be fully present to each other and to your son.

Then both of you will have the patience to be well with your son and with each other. Hope this is helpful.
E.
____@____.com

This is soo my husband. He did really well with the kids until we had twins for number 4 and 5. He was always ready for another baby before I was. He is now so busy with work and he travels a lot. Sometimes I think he plans trips to get out of the house. I know he loves our kids and he is a very good dad when he is home as long as the babies don't cry too long. I have to say however, now that the babies are older (9 months) it seems to be getting better. I think dads just don't know what to do with the babies at the younger ages. Now that they respond to him and are happy more often, not so needy, he seems to enjoy them a lot more. So I guess that is my advice. Is wait for your baby to get a little older, then they can wrestle and play. Once the baby smiles and laughs the dads love it and can't get enough. By the way my husband does suffer from anxiety and takes an anti-depressent. He started this when I was pregnant with our first. I think dads get really anxious when they realize they have to support not just a wife, but a family. You may want to have him talk to a doctor if it doesn't get better soon.

I work full time in a supervisory position and it is very stressful. My husband is at home with our son. After a long hard day at work it can be exhausting to have family stress too. I have been where your husband is (and I've been in your position when roles have been reversed).

What's been most important for us as far as stress is getting time away, having someone we trust who can stay with our son so we can each get time alone, and together (to do whatever we want, no "to do" lists, worries about kids, etc.). When his needs are being met as far as stress release he'll be able to be more patient and less worried, and you'll all be happier. Easier said than done I know.

I am a SAHD that had the same problem with our daughter when she was a baby. I talked to a couple of doctors (even a psych guy) who all stated to start off with that baby crying causes stress in adults, plain and simple, men are just less apt to be able to handle these kinds of things. I handled it by putting our daughter in her crib when I started to feel stressed. It was hard, but as she got a little older and able to better communicate, the stress died out. Between my job and our daughter I thought I was going to crack up, but after time I was able to just go with the flow. I think a lot of htat now has to with the fact that I stay at home with our daughter and the fact that she has grown up a little. THings will work out, just tell your husband if he feels stressed by what your boy is doing, it is okay to put him in the crib to catch a breath. Raising a baby is dificult, especially for men, we don't have the ingrown ability to nurture children the way mommies do. Make sure your husband also gets a break for himself, at least a little time on the weekend to get away from everything, that may be hard because you feel like you are doing way too much, but he sounds like he is working a lot. Hope this helps, trust me everything will be fine.

Dear S.,
I went through something similar with a husband who was very stressed and anxious over work-related issues. We too had our daughter in our late thirties. A couple of months after our child was born (enormous life change), he also experienced some major changes at work, which made his usual stress worse. With him, when he'd be on overload, he tended to withdraw, but occasionally he'd get snappy with me. My advice to you is to see if you can get him to go to a therapist. Ask trusted friends and family if there is anyone they can recommend. It's the best thing you can do, because you can't be his therapist, and you are also dealing with becoming a new mom, which is so hard. You are right, he needs to be able to find some balance, for his own sake but also for you and the baby. Sometimes the only way to figure out how to do that is through therapy. If he won't go, consider going yourself, so that you can have some support and help. Although you said that this is only an occasional issue, I think it's often that way,(good times are good, but when there are bad times it's a little scary) and it's not something you want to ignore. I wish you all the best.

I hear you. Finally, after 6 years of having babies and kids...youngest now 2.5 years, we are getting balance again. Mine read the Power of Now and working on the New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (I read the other and we switched now). This helped a lot as it is sort of like: change it or drop it. He never liked what he was doing at work and working too much. Now, he can say no to prjects, and has learned to work with undesirable people as opposed to against them. We tell our children: It is what it is...etc. all the time and they are getting it too...some. good luck, give it time, and make sure he makes time to exercise. Just stop spending money (it is really hard!!!) on anything but groceries, budget out your home repairs and other neccessary stuff to just a couple a month and try to buy allused stuff or trade for the kids. If there is less money going out, you can save more for both of your retirements. then, what is left can be used for vacation and colege funds. We actually don't do much for college and get gifts for the kids every birthday from both grandparents for the fund. that helps a lot. I do everything for the house and children (except mow). it sucks and I stay up until midnight. but now he is now helping with dishes, fold laundry and stuff because he isn't so depressed and wanting to sit and veg on the couch...oh, and playing with the kids more.

A couple of things are going on here --- (1)Children as stress to a relationship. (2)Losing one income in a two income household puts pressure on the one working. Your husband is understandably stressed. He needs an outlet. My husband like to exercise to release his stress. (3)Also, your husband is working so much he doesn't get much time to enjoy time with the baby. You may think you are doing him a favor by doing everything with the baby --- but, he probably would like some father-son time. Set aside some father-son time. It will free you up and it will give them a chance to bond. Everyone wins. (4)And you need to get a babysitter and go on a date with your husband on a regular basis. He used to get all of your attention. Now the baby gets all of your attention. You guys need some adult time. Talk to each other and nurture your relationship.

S., I know what you are going through. With men, stress like this is nearly always about feeling intense internal pressure to provide for their families. Men get very worked up about money and feeling the head of household / provider pressure. This usually intensifies right after a baby (especially a first one) since men can see the baby's arrival as pressure to financially provide for 18+ years. The baby's arrival is the official end of their young adult fantasies for their work / life. Your husband may feel like he has lost the choice to make career decisions like changing careers or quitting his job because as the man he has to provide for you and the baby (especially since you aren't working). Sometimes this makes men feel like they are put in a box and they end up super stressed and having a mini midlife crisis.

Talk to him about money and his job and your financial plan as a family. Discuss with him openly about what your expectations for him as a father are, and he will probably open up to you.

Here is one thought.
Get a tape recording of ocean sounds with flute music background.
Music and soothing music does help any person who is stressed.
And if you can afford it, have a message therapist come to your home and give him a message severl times a month.
It will also help your baby if you get some lotion and rub him down every night from head to toe.
Makes for a happier and healthier baby.
good luck

Hi S.!
I agree with the other ladies- it is tough to balance... you both have lots of work to do, it is stressful for you both, and you both need breaks- so how to do it all in a day?
Maybe you can find a girlfriend or two that you trade- one day a week each- say, you drop your baby off with her for an hour or two and do what you need to do, then the next day, she drops her little one off. This way, you can get at least a small break and it won't cost you anything. Also, maybe with another friend, you trade off once a month spending the day at one persons house, you can clean together and then cook a meal together, that way, you get quality time with a friend, every other month you get help cleaning the house, and you have dinner to take home to your own family. Again, no cost and a great de-stresser for you (and your friend).

Now, for your husband, he needs time to destress. I know it is late when he is getting home, but maybe he could stop for quick workout on the way home. Or maybe you guys can go for a family bike ride together. Find whatever it is he used to do for emotional and stress relief (...maybe even sex...) and encourage him to do that activity at least a few, if not every day. This will communicate to him that you appreciate his hard work providing for the family, and that he is important to you. Maybe one night a week you can have a plan for him to come straight home while you get "you" time to do whatever you want.
There are so many ideas, but it is critical for you guys to talk about your feelings, stresses and needs. Sometimes just talking about your frustrations is all you need. Tell your husband how much you appreciate him taking on extra work so that you can be home to take care of your baby. Once your baby is a little older, say a year from now (seems like forever, but it will fly!), your baby will be old enough to really love that time with Dad, and hopefully you will get more frequent breaks. I just find that I can't rely on husband to always be there to relieve me (only becuase he is busy with work) and sometimes I need to use girlfriends or what not to get the break that I need.

I hope you find some solutions that work for you and your family!
H. Gaitten

make sure you go on weekly dates without the baby