"Seeking Advice from Single Moms"

Oh, sweetie!! I so feel your pain I had a daughter very close to the same. I actually did have 2 other options. One was either send her to her dad's to live which I did not feel was a good option or put her in a program that dealt with troubled youth. Her dad would not allow me to send her into to the program so she moved in with him. She lived there for a year and came back much more grateful for a brief period of time and them went back to her old ways. Finally at age 18 only months after her birthday I had to kick her out of the house. She is now almost 21 and has learned a lot being out in the real world and our relationship has taken a complete 180. I say all this to say that the things that kept me going were this: people reminding me to just stay in the game, don't check out, continue to love them with healthy boundaries, have at least one or two people who you can contact at any time to help you react properly give wisom and support and (I don't know how you feel about this but for me it was a lifeline) and that was pray, pray & pray some more. God has been extremely faithful!! So I just will say you can only do so much and then you have to let them be their own worst enemy. If you want more info on the programs available I could provide that to you. I have several connections in the social severices field.

Much Blessings!!

I have no advice for how to handle the problems with your son, but I do have some on how to survive it - Al-anon. Following the principles of AA, Al-anon family groups provide support for the parents, children, spouses, siblings etc. of those with a dependency problem. I have found within the walls of the meeting hope, strength, wisdom, camaraderie, empathy, joy and faith....

Hi S., I would advise looking at this website http://www.heartlightministries.org/ "The Heartlight therapeutic boarding school is focused solely on bringing healing to troubled teens and the families of troubled teens in family crisis, without the harshness of military schools, boot camps or wilderness programs. When teens challenge authority or are struggling from peer pressure, drugs, running away, rebellion, thoughts of suicide or cutting, we welcome you to check out our teen therapeutic program for troubled teens or seek our advice in regard to military schools, boarding schools or therapeutic wilderness programs. We're sure you will see the difference in our 5-step teen counseling approach for dealing with troubled teens that also builds a stronger bond between troubled teens and their parents and family."
I was a resident here myself and it truely changed my life. They also have scholarship programs for people that are low income as well. I would check it out, it's definitely worth the time and effort. If this place isn't quite what you were looking for they can provide you contact information for other programs in your area.

Hi S., OOOOOOooo! That is so hard! I have 4 kids and 2 of them are teenage boys, 14 and 16 (freshman and sophomore). The 14 year old has always been difficult. The couple of things I've seen work with him or others I know: he goes once a week to Project Success at our highschool. It is the best he ever feels. Somehow, I just don't understand and I don't like him and I'm not fair - in general, I'm just ridiculous to him! But, he totally opens up and listens to this high school counselor and she gives him great advice. Maybe there is an adult male that your son could spend some time with - mine needs that male influence, support, and understanding. Our church has been a great avenue for that. Or medication might be necessary - I know several kids who are really helped and turned around because they needed medication for anxiety, depression, etc. Mental illness is real and will power can not make them better! Above all, try to make sure your son feels LOVED - deep down he is really hurting and no matter how they act, kids crave security and boundaries. Good luck!

I am so sorry to hear all that you are goin thru and especially wih whats happened last night . Hopefully you can get the help or at least some referrals from the medical team you are dealing with to find some options for you and your son. Lots of love and trust in God , you need some one to pray and God is always listening . Goodluck and please let us know how you are doing. I have two boys also ages 15 1/2 and 13, I wish you lots of strength and patience to get thru whats goin on . Keep trying your best, your in my heart and will be in my prayers .
K. G.

military school, also, look into parenting classes. You need support to know how to deal with him if you do not have the $$$ for private school.

I wonder if Long Beach has a continuation high school. I wonder if referrals there can be done by a parent--maybe you need to be on campus doing something if there is a way for you to make time to do that so you know the way the school works by being there?

How long before you could encourage him to join military?

If you are in the southeast area of L.A. County, I would suggest that you call Helpline Youth Counseling. Have you been able to track down a "Scared Straight" program through the police? Questions regarding drugs: Is he doing drugs? Which ones? Have you cleaned out your medicine cabinet? I get the impression that his biological father is out of the picture...if not, is there an option to turn him over to Dad? The only other thing that I can think of is to send him out on one of those fishing boats out of Alaska -- maybe the men there could knock some sense into him. A logging camp in Washington would be too easy to walk away from.

I am so sorry to hear the difficulty you're having with your teenage son. I have a 12 yr old son who is pretty good most of the time, but I get so stressed out when he becomes defiant. I believe strongly in putting boys in strict, structured routine, and having male role models/authorities. I have told my sons (12, 10 and 6) that if they start to give me discipline problems, I will sent them to military academy. I've been looking at a Marine Military Academy in Texas that I threatened my boys I would sent them to if they ever give me any discipline problems.

Here is a link to their website.

http://www.mma-tx.org/presentsched.htm

If you're interested, they're having a presentation at the Irvine Marriott next Friday (3/28) at 7pm.

Aside from the structured environment many boys need, pray for them every day.

I can see you have your hands full. Don't give up as it sounds like you are all he has. Where is his father? Male role models are especially important for young men. What about sports? Often this provides positive peer pressure plus keeps them busy. If your son is damaging your home, you can press charges against your son. I wish you luck.

Hi S.,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The advice I'd like to offer you is to be open, honest & respectful. It seems to me that children continue to trust & respect their parents throughout the teen years when they feel respected by their parents. Think back to when his defiant behavior started. Was he able to express himself & vent his frustrations? I can imagine how challenging daily life is for you (persuing your degree & raising your children on your own). You mentioned you sometimes "yell out of sheer frustration." Do you apologize for letting your frustration get the best of you...not knowing how to handle life's stress in the best possible manner? Maybe he would follow your lead and admit his wrong doing (instead of rolling his eyes) if he knows you understand him because you also experience difficulty in controlling frustration. Relate to him, enjoy him, adore him like you did when he was an infant. Let him know he's not alone, HIS feelings are just as important as yours, and he's even more important than your degree. With Spring break this week, I hope you are able to spend some great time together with a break through. It just seems to me that the "tough love" isn't working so I suggest compassionate love. Best of luck to you and your childdren.

I am not a single mom, but you have my heartfelt sympathy. Such a hard time without the support of his dad. Is he in the picture at all? Can you call on him? Next, what's up with the police? I'd call the watch commander during the day and discuss this situation with him. This is directly contrary to what we were told when we called the police on my son. They came out and were very helpful. Talked to my son about what "candy" he'd be to the other guys at J.H., and that we could have him declared incorrigible and hauled away at any time. Scared him, I'll tell you! I definitely recommend the therapist, but make sure he/she is qualified in dealing with troubled and defiant teens and deals in cognitive therapy. Also, you should look into "Tough Love". They have support meetings and a lot of referrals for therapists and other things along this line. They've seen it all, heard it all and can help walk you through the system.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I can't really give advice from my own situation ( i just have little ones) But a really good friend of mine has two boys, Her youngest (15 at the time)sounds what you are describing your son to be if not worse. She did all the same things you are doing and did and she was lost and didn't know what to do anymore. (she is also a single mom) She sent him to a drug rehab and behavioral school in Montana. This was by far the hardest thing she ever had to do. He was there till he was 18 and now is doing really good.
She had to pack him up and they came and picked him up without him knowing. He was so upset and didn't contact her for months but then after being there for a while things really started to change in him. Now he is 19 and back home and doing really good. If you want more information about that school i am more than happy to get it for you. Just let me know
Through God all things are possible! :)