Seeking Advice on a Very Sensitive Family Issue

She could be severely depressed and withdrawn because of the loss. Would you feel comfortable dropping in to say you're very worried about them? I know that's usually frowned upon, but this seems like extenuating circumstances.

Hi T.,

My mother passed away when I was 6. My mother's family, especially my grandmother insisted that we continue to attend family gatherings, but it was clear that they only really wanted to see me. My father felt like he had no place at these gatherings and it made him feel even more lonely. Eventually we began choosing other options at the holidays and my father began dating. My grandmother didn't like that one bit and she attempted to get custody of me. Needless to say, that was the end of my father and grandmother speaking to each other. Not wanting to deal with my father or stepmom they faded out of my life until I left home at 18 - then they suddenly wanted a relationship. But, by then, it was too late and too weird.
Unfortunately, my advice to you is to continue sending letters and gifts to your nieces and the occasional letter to mom, offer your help and let her know you are thinking of her. If you push too hard you may just push them out of your life. It's true that she really ought to be having her girls write thank you notes, but cut her some slack for now.

Dear T.,
I am so sorry for you and your family over the loss of your brother.
I honestly do not know why this dynamic takes place after someone passes away. In the situations I personally know of this happening, the deaths were tragic and sudden. It happened in my own family when my aunt and uncle died in a plane crash. One of my aunt's sisters took the kids and we were allowed no contact.
A guy I knew since I was 15 and was basically part of the family died in a motorcycle accident. Up until then, his parents had the kids every weekend and were very involved in their lives and when he was gone.....so were his kids. It was immediate and sudden. Just like his accident had been. It broke their hearts. In a strange twist, their mother also died a few years ago and now his sister is raising the children because their mom had no family to take them.
I think that you have to tread lightly with this situation. You want to establish ties, but you don't want to push your sister-in-law further away. She may still not know how to cope with her loss or be worried that she will be judged if she's trying to get on with her life.
What you can do is get a card, one with a pretty envelope, and send it certified, with a return receipt requested. That way, you will either know if it was refused or signed for. Maybe just include a brief note saying that you are thinking of her and the girls and would like to meet for lunch somewhere. Tell her that she can choose the place. She may feel more comfortable seeing you somewhere neutral. Or maybe just you and her at first.
She may just need some time and will eventually come around.
Your mom shouldn't feel like this is her fault. Like I said, I don't know why some people pull away like they do, but it happens.
I wish you the best because I do know how painfull this all can be. You didn't mention the ages of the girls, but if you send things certified, you will have a receipt of your attempts. When the girls are old enough, they may try to find you on their own and you can say....
"We love you and we never forgot about you."

Wow, that's hard. I think you're correct in your thought about continuing to send letters and gifts. However, there must be some way to be able to see the grandchildren/nieces, your family should not be deprived of them and vice-versa because of your sister-in-law's way of dealing with her grief. I personally would call ahead and if she doesn't answer phone calls I would leave a message telling her we will be arriving on such and such day, and just drive there and hope for the best. It's been long enough that she needs to start letting the family back in.

T.,
When my parents divorced, my dads parents basically ignored that we ever exsisted. For years there was no contact from our father or anyone on his side. I always wondered why they did this, and it was rather depressing to know that they were out there, but did not care about us. I know they did not actually die, but sure felt like it. Had they done things over the years to keep in contact, or to let us know they loved us it would not be so strange when they did find us 10 years later. I would guess that your SIL does not want to be reminded of this
past because of the pain, or she has found someone and moved on and feels guilty. Maybe you should pay a visit to the house, if she is close enough. I do feel they should at least be aknowledging the gifts. Did they write thank you notes before all of this happened? Those little girls need to know that you all still care for them and want to know how they are, and what they are up to. Maybe send them a letter and ask them to respond age appropriatly, with a drawing, or writing, whatever they can do. Just don't let it go silent.
W. M.

To lose a spouse is a devastating thing... I know, I lost one 4 years ago. One moment they are there and the next they are not and your life changes forever. And, it's not just your life in general, it's your financial, your family, everything and it takes a long time to recover from something like this. It took me 4 years to finally get though it... it may take her longer. Unless you have been in that situation, you will never understand what the person is going through. I know you want to keep in contact with her but it may not be an easy thing for her to do.

I used to cry at the supermarket when I would see couples together shopping... it was very difficult to go on with normal life in the state I was. The voice on the answering machine... normal. I used to call the phone just to hear his voice. You can have memories, but you forget the way the voice sounds after a while and that is very difficult to deal with. The voice is something she can still hold onto.

Many people don't realize that the spouse suffers for a long, long time. The husband dies, the service happens and then everyone goes on with their lives the way it was before, but the spouse doesn't. I know for me, I would attempt to act normal but I was screaming on the inside all the time. I would go to work and forget what I was doing. It took everything I had just to get up in the mornings, I rarely slept, everything else was on autopilot for a long, long time.

Suggestions... I don't have any... it will happen in time, when she can deal with it. Cards, letters, calls... were your kids close with her kids... can they call or send little homemade cards to the kids saying they miss them. That's all I can think of... but for now, the wife is just trying to deal with life in general. Is there anyone close to her that you know that you can get in contact with to see how she is doing... or how she appears to be doing? She is devastated right now.

I also lost my younger brother last year so I know how devastating it can be. I am so sorry for your loss.

How tragic. Sorry for your loss. I am a huge fan of confronting issues head on. I would write her a letter and ask how she and the girls are doing. I would advise her kindly that you are worried about her and you miss her. The loss of your brother was more then you thought you could bear, but losing his wife and your nieces has become unbearable. Be frank, "how can I help" or "what could we do differently?". There may be an underlying probem with you that needs to be shared.....or she may simply be grief stricken. Be kind.

Dear T.,

My heart goes out to you and your family. We lost a baby in 1997, our third child (a baby girl). It was the hardest thing we had ever gone through, but what made it even harder was that our family members decided to leave us alone to grieve by ourselves. We felt the horrible pain of the loss of our child, but then suffered the loss of our family's support as well. It seems that over time, my family continued to stay away because they didn't know what to say and they wanted a long enough period of time to pass before coming around again. Our relationships weakened and it's been difficult to feel really close since our loss.

My advice is to keep close even if you feel as though you may be doing too much...which incidently, I don't think is possible in such a case. As I recall, the pain was so great, there were times that I couldn't even talk and was happy just having someone sitting with me in the same room. With your case, the loss is for you as well as for your sister-in-law. It may be helpful to try to plan a more private get-together so you and your sister-in-law could reminisce about wonderful times and keep those memories alive. I know it may sound strange, but when the hurt is overwhelming, there's precious little anyone can do to lighten the load, except for being there and understanding that everyone grieves differently and some for a longer period of time.

Please send me a personal message so I can give you my phone number. I'd be more than happy to talk with you more about this. I'd really like to help if I can. By the way, my youngest sister died in 2004. Let's talk.

Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings to you!

D.

This is a hard one.
There is no telling what is going on in your SIL's mind, heart, and life.
The silence could be hostility, it could be depression, it could be indifference, it could just be social ineptness. it could be some mixture of them all.
Since you can't tell, the kindest things you can do seem the best.
First, keep sending notes and gifts as you normally would.
This keeps the lines of communication open, even if it is just one-way.
Second, if you can, could you and your kids visit her town?
Set up a pretext for being there, send her a letter telling her the dates, and telling her you will call, and drop by, when you are in town.
Then do so.
If she doesn't respond, isn't there, tells you to go away, then you have learned something new.
And if it is the worst case, at least then it is a chance to communicate to her that you continue to think of her, and want to continue to send letters, etc. to your brother's children - at least establish parameters for how to go from there.
And let her now you are there to help too, in the future if not now.

Hi T.,

I am the daughter of someone else's dead younger brother.

If calls are not returned, gifts are not acknowledged, events are not attended, and you really want involvement with this family?

Go visit. Unannounced if you must. Because from the child's perspective? It's not really the thought that counts. Stop praying and sending gifts, and just go over and visit. Make your mom go too. It's stupid for grown adults to hesitate to make contact "because he/she doesn't like me" when there are fatherless grandchildren involved. You might see it as being respectful; children see it as your total disinterest, and even with gifts or letters, it still hurts.

Go visit.

Blessings to you and your family... My heart goes out to you. I can share what I know... many times loss/ griefing is a process that can take some 2-5 years ... There are 7 stages of grief... this site outlines them

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

There are several books/ resources you can read to help with this process. In addition, you can identify with your
sister/law and where she may be at. For some, pulling away from the 'reminders' is the coping skill of choice which allows them to create 'another life' to cope. Some people get 'stuck' in one of the stages and do not move thru to
'new life'. Depending on your spiritual choices, there are some wonderful books via Family Christian Stores that are encouraging and hope filled.

I pray you all find your way through this time to become
stronger and knitted as a family and friends.

Peace be yours, L. Medina

sorry for your loss. I have not exerienced this and hope to not have too. That said I think she may find it hard to get over her loss surrounded by her husbands family or has some depression issues. Write her a long letter explaing that you miss all of them dearly and that his death has been a tremendous loss for all of you too and that his family is the only connection you have to him. Say that you wrre all close when he was alive and wish to remain that way still and that your brother would have wanted his family to stay in contact. She may have already met someone else and is afraid to share that.Let her know that life still goes on for the living and that you would welcome her happiness. If no response this time pop up on her doorstep. This is your family don't let this distance go on. Your parents may have to file for grandparent visitation rights if she doesn't respond. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless.

Dear T.:

Condolences on the death of your beloved brother. I think you are doing the right thing and it is best not to be too pushy or too hurt at the lack of response. I think time will make things easier and keeping up the contacts is good. Do you and your mom also directly contact the children? I know how it feels to have a former in-law not continue to be friends and it really hurts, but sometimes these things turn around and can be reconciled. The main thing is to not do anything to add to the hurt, if you can help it. Blessings on all your family members. best of luck
N.

Hi. I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in August of 2005 in a plane crash. We had 2 boys together, I was only 30. There is no book to tell you what to do. You just try and see if you can put one foot in front of the other and some days that even seems like too much. I don't know why your SIL has lost contact with you, I clung to my inlaws. Can you go over there and try and talk to her. Maybe she's so overwhelmed with raising the girls by herself that she isn't even thinking past the 3 of them (her and the girls). Go over and offer to help. I found that alot of people would say "just let me know if there is anything I can do" but there mere thought of having to ask was more than I could handle, just do something that could help. Buy some groceries and take them to her (but don't throw it in her face like she owes you something for buying her groceries I had someone do that to me and it was awful), take the girls for an evening or take all 3 of them out to dinner. It's been over 3 years for me but I still have 2 text messages that my husband sent me on my cell phone. I just can't delete them for some reason. If he had been on our answering machine I probably would have kept that too. The girls will probably be glad to see you and your family so just keep trying. Again I'm sorry for your loss.

Wow, T., this is a tough one. Your sister-in-law is really having a difficult time coping with her loss, and it's impacting the entire family. It is not good for her to have cut off contact with your family -- it is DEBILITATING for her children.

This may be one of those times when, after using the soft approach, you try a harder one. Do you know of any friends she has? YOu may want to try an intervention..,

All the best...

J.

I'm sorry for what you and your family, especially your mom are going through. Have you had any contact at all? A little call or anything that has let you know they are doing fine? or alive? I mean it sounds horrible to say this, but if they haven't made contact at all how do you know they are doing fine? I battled depression for a long time and didn't want to be contacted by anyone. A depressed parent is the worst thing to happen to a child. Have you made contact with your SIL's family?
NO ONE can understand what others go through unless they've been there. You lost a brother, and I don't mean it means nothing, but she lost her soulmate and love of her life prematurely. The one she dreamt about growing old with, and planned to spend a whole life with.
Maybe now she is ready to start coming back into your family's life, but she just doesn't know how and maybe she just "freezes" at the thought of starting over with your family without your brother there. Try paying a visit and maybe that'll help and if she rejects you, don't give up, she is after all the mother of your nieces.
Maybe you think that it if was you, you'd be over it already, but we are all different...

God Bless,

E.

The each time time one of the girls has a birthday, plan a trip. Better yet, there is a three day holiday coming up in February do it then. Drive the two hours and take your mother & father. Stay in a motel over night. Spend some time with the girls. Let your sister-in-law know you are coming. Let their mother know you still care for her and them. It may be too much for her to travel to you for a large family gathering. Keep it simple and small. Start to rebuld the rlationship in small steps. Remember both sides are hurting.
Good Luck.
J.

Hi T. -

My guess is that your sister in law has had her world turned upside down - and that she is suffering from depression. Everyone deals differently, and a period of depression is normal. Your family might be a painful reminder of what she has lost or she might be just unable to deal with everything that has come at her at once. Being a single parent, sole financial provider, and facing crushing loneliness might be taking all of her brain bandwidth - with no energy left right now for maintaining relationships.

My advice is to keep sending her and her children letters, cards and gifts. The sun will emerge for your sister in law at some point, and she will have the capacity to re-engage in a relationship with your family, and she will appreciate your kindness. Just be patient-!

First, I am sorry - your story brings me to tears. People do the unexpected when they are faced with a loss.

My friend's best friend (for 20+ years) lost her daughter to cancer (very quick and tragic and left two babies and a husband behind). Well following the loss the friend cut off all contact and was angry because her friend's children were still alive, unlike her own. Everytime my friend tried to reach out to her grieving friend, she got a very cold and cruel response. Eventually they stopped talking as my friend has been unsuccessful in getting her best friend to come around. It was a very strange reaction and definitely not anticipated. I think sometimes the loss is too much for one to handle and they kind of go crazy inside.

For the kids sake, I would continue to try to stay in contact. I couldn't imagine how losing a family member would feel.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my mom and I know how hard it is to experience such grief. I can't even imagine what your sister in law has gone through. It is possible that it's just too sad and difficult for her to be around you guys. I would suggest calling and leaving a message expressing your desire and need to see her and the girls and tell her a time that you (or your mother) would like to go over to her house. If she doesn't respond I would actually just start going to the house. It's possible that she just can't or doesn't know how to respond and might actually need your help. Best of luck, it's a very tricky situation. My thoughts are with all of you. Good luck.

My Uncle died of cancer in his early 40's and my Aunt announced that since he was dead she was technically no longer a part of our family. Luckily her 2 kids were 12 & 14 and they pushed her to keep contact with their cousins and aunts & uncle. She had to go through her mourning process on her own time and my Uncle and his siblings look like they could have been quadruplets so it was hard for her to see the same blue eyes and blond hair and goofball sense of humor. She is back in our family's lives, participates in holiday gatherings, etc. but it did take time.
Keep on showing that you care, and maybe surprise her in person to check on the kids, etc. make sure she knows she is missed, not just her hubby & kids. Give it a shot and then leave the ball in her court.

Dear T.

This is truly heartbreaking, since the family was close before your dear brothers death. I don’t know how old your brother’s children are or if they are just trying to help their mother with her grief….it’s not like a divorce where grandparents could get court ordered visits.

I think I would just show up at her home (since she has not returned calls or acknowledged your family in anyway.) It will be painful (sort of an intervention), you and your family must let her and the girls know exactly how you feel. It may be the icebreaker required to start living again or the final communication until the girls are old enough and have the need to reconnect with their father’s family.

My heart just aches for you all and I will pray for your family. Let us hear from you know how it goes.

Blessings…..

Hi T.... I feel for your family, what a tragic loss. I think your family should keep on doing what they're doing, as your sister-in-law is probably still in depression, and maybe just isn't in the right frame of mind yet to correspond. I feel sorry for your mom, as her grand-daughters are what links her to your brother, just don't give up on them. Hope this advice helps, Sincerely, CJ

My suggestion would be to take one afternoon and visit your sis-in-law and two nieces and see if there is anyway other than sending gifts to them. It is very normal to want to leave the message machine on. Your mother may also write a log about her son's past as a child and express how much she loves him. That way the children will have a memory of his life and also a knowledge of how much they are loved and how much he is still loved.

Good luck.

D.

Hi T., you dont say when was the last time someone actually spoke to your sister-in-law or how old the daughters are now.........but I think as well that someone needs to go there and check on your sister in law and she how she is doing. She could be depressed, not taking care of herself etc etc. I think someone needs to go there and just open up the line of communication with her. Of course it will be alot of tears and be painful but I think it should be done. Calling her ahead of time and leaving a message as to what day you (someone) is coming might be a good idea. Grieving is such a personal thing and she could still (over 2yrs later) really really be having a tough time with his and I think it is best someone see her in person and tell her you all still want her to be part of the family. I feel for you all!!!

So so sorry for your loss- how tragic. Just an aside- although I have not suffered such a loss, it reminds me of my sister-in-law who could really care less if I see their 3 kids or not. I have tried everything- phone calls, letters, visits, presents, hand made gifts. Nothing's really worked which sucks. You've already suffered so much, why do you have to be restricted from seeing your nieces- how awful!!! Yes, I agree, keep doing the right thing- and when you do speak to her, check on her... my sense is don't talk one second about how hurt and sad you are (even though of course you are!!!!!!)- but it sounds like if you 100% focus on how she is, what you can do to make the situation easier/better for her, what she needs... you might be able to get through. Totally and truly feel so sorry for her and even though it's hard around her, take 100% focus off yourself - it's crazy and totally unfair because you lost your brother- that's horrible- but it sounds to me like her personality requires this level of selflessness from you to break through her barrier and see her kids- your brother's kids!!! Now if she's horribly depressed and grief stricken (of course understandable also!) then more is required from a 3rd party? that maybe you can't help with. Don't know, just some thoughts, but so so sorry for your loss :-(

I agree with Page. I'd drive over there but I don't think I'd let her know I was coming. 2 hours is too far to drive to take the chance that she'd skeedaddle before you got there.

She might just be really depressed but to compound the loss for the little girls by separating them from the rest of their family is awful.

I am sorry for your loss. I'm thinking that your sister in law is grieving her husband's loss and trying move on - in our opinion incorrectly so, but this is how she's doing it. I think it's about her/her grief, not you guys. She doesnt want to see/do anything with who reminds her of her husband.

Be there. Be supportive. Be a friend even though it's hard when she isn't being a friend back. Later on maybe. But if you give up now, there may never be a chance later.

Again, I'm sorry. It is hard.

ps- our family has a friend whose husband died when I & her kids were still young. She grieved, oh how she grieved. Even now (some 30+ years later?) her email address is HIS name, not hers. (I am assuming the voice on the answering machine message is no longer his though!!)

I am sure it is about your sister in laws grief and not about you guys. She may be trying to rebuild, reidentify with who she is. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. That is so painful, and I am sure having his daughters around would help. It sounds like you guys are keeping the door open. Dont take it personal.

I'm surprised I felt the need to write to you, but my best friend was in the very same painful situation as your mother.She has suffered so much with the loss of her son, but even more because it has been compounded with the loss of contact with her daughter-in-law and very little contact with her grandson. They live acrooss the country in Georgia too.
Four long years went by but as her grandson has become a teenager he called his grandma and they began talking every month. One thing lead to another and to make a long story short they spent THANKSGIVING all together this year. It had just been so painful for her daughter-in-law and she had been in such a deep depression it was all she could do to just keep breathing even when family could have supported each other in their grief.
So.... I hope the best for you and your mom. Hoprfully time will heal some of the pain. Lucky for your mom that she has YOU and YOUR KIDS. P.