Seeking Advice on How to Help a Grieving Friend

Be specific with your offers -- not "Let me know if there's anything I can do," but "Can we take the kids to a movie for 2-3 hours so you can sleep/clean/get a haircut/have a dinner with some grown-ups?"

Everyone gave you great ideas!

When my dad died (I had just turned 16 a few dyas before, my brother was 7 and sister was 9), food and gifts came flooding in at first. For the first couple of weeks, people stopped by constantly to help with the cleaning, grocery shopping (my mom doesnt drive due to blindness so that was a huge help), etc.

Then... there was nothing. Everyone went on with their lives - but to us- we were still in the nightmare, still grieving.

A month after the services... drop by with a meal, or cleaning supllies (and help clean), or stop by and take the kids for awhile (it helps give her time to greieve privately and helps the kids see that their lives dont end just because their daddy's did... its okay to play and have fun). Do it again after two months, three months, etc. Their pain doesn't disappear because the services are over and they go back to school or work... my mom quit eating and I had to make her eat - which was easier when people brought prepared meals over that I could warm up (I wasnt exactly a great cook back then!).

Purchase some books for kids that deal with grief - and also for her. Leave her a list of websites that deal with grief, and/or a list of local grief groups - for families. it's the thought that counts, and it counts a lot. I don't remember the name of every person who went to his funeral or wake (they were a blur, really)... but I remember the people who stopped by to help us out- and those who didn't bother because it made them uncomfortable to deal with death or grief. If she belongs to a church encourage her to continue going. This is probably one of the hardest times in her life - it will mean a lot to her to know somebody is there for her.

Cook and package some meals that they can heat and eat. Offer to babysit (don't tell her to ask...tell her you plan to come over on such and such a date to watch the kids). Help clean her house or pay for a housecleaner to come in and clean. Do some research on cancer survivor support groups (for kids and adults) and share the information with her. Call frequently...don't wait for her to do it.

The children are certainly will need a role model in their life. It would be nice if your husband could fill that void. Throw a ball with them, take them to the Cougars just the three of them. Things Dads do with their boys.

J.

I would suggest either having them over for dinner or cooking them a meal and dropping it by. At least she knows you are thinking of her and it gives her one less meal to prepare for the kids during this time.

J.~

My step dad passed away last week and I have to say that his disease took him incredibly quick. He had something that only ne in a million people have called CJD. We have a mish mosh family of 8 kids so my mom had all of us with her for the last days. I have to say that the last thing we thought about was eating and we had people that would call and pick a day to bring us food. Some people drop by to see how my famly is doing or they call and write letters that include good times they had with my Dad. We had a carepage through the mayo clinic that allowed for people to send us messages. A lot of times people move on with there life after the wake and funeral. But, the one who is suffering the loss doesnt and has to go through time to work through the grief. Having people call and support you through the day to day is more important than showing for the funeral or wake.

I hope this information helps you and your husband find a way to help out your friend.
M.

J.,

Although almost a year has passed since the passing of your friends husband however, all the advice from everyone was excellant but you and your family should invite her family to church. You can call her in the morning just to check on her and pray with her to get her day started in a positive way. Give her continous spiritual fuel that will give her strength for herself and her children. Do it Sister to Sister. Suggest traveling short driving trips for this summer to give her some new innovative things to do. Whatever you do for her, keep her praying, GOD will continue to Bless you all.

I am so sorry for your loss. We had a family here in town that the dad passed away suddenly from a heart attack last year. He was only 38 and was very fit. He and his wife have 5 children. The best thing that we found was the little things make a big impact. Make some meals she can freeze. Offer to run errands for her or watch the kids while she runs errands. There will be people that want to help right away which is great but there are times that situations do not come up right away. Have they had services yet? If not maybe offer to help coordinate the meal after. It does not have to be expensive. Just call some friends and have them make some dishes. With school coming up does she have supplies yet? Maybe offer to do her shopping for her. A lot of times just knowing that someone is there when she needs it will make a difference. Just let her know she can call you if she needs anything.

I agree with everyone. Just make yourself available at any time. Without being pushy, go and visit and help her with the housework, and maybe even offer to take the kids out. Even take her and the kids too. Some place fun. A restaurant that is themed. (ie, Medieval Times) If you have the funds, maybe take her on a Girls getaway weekend to a spa. There's some in Lake Geneva. When visiting, don't make it seem that you're doing this because of her loss, be there as a friend. Who knows, a good friendship could come out of this.

I agree with all of Yvonne's advice/ideas. Those all are very helpful things. I was also going to add maybe buying them movie gift certificates, or chuck e cheese gift certificates. Something fun for the 3 of them to do together. Hopefully taking their mind off the sadness for a little while. Maybe your husband can mow the lawn for her or trimming the bushes. Things her husband did. She's grieving and will be for ever, but the first few months are the hardest. Meals are over all helpful.

Hi J.. I am so sorry for your friends loss. That is just awful. You know, alot of the time, you tell someone if you need something, dont hesitate to call etc. Well, what I would do, instead of ask, is just maybe do some cooking and take it over to their house. With her having two young kids, I am sure she would love it. Or maybe go to the store for her. I am sure this would be so much appreciated. Or take a day and go over and tell her you are there to help clean, do laundry etc.

S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

I have a friend whose husband died a few years ago. Here is what helped her. Act like normal - talk about everyday things, if she is open to talking about her husband be willing to reminisce with her. It is overwhelming when you are grieving and are asked "what can I do to help". It would be much better to say "I love to cook, could I make some meals for you - what are your specific nutritional needs/ likes/dislikes.

That's tough. I would recommend giving the Mom a journal to write her thoughts and each boy their own "treasure box." (Hobby Lobby has wooden boxes they can decorate themselves) The point of the treasure box is to fill it with things the boys would think their dad would like, then when they are missing him, they can open their treasure box and use the things in it to comfort themselves. It's useful for Mom too because these things will help her to understand what the boys are thinking. Many children of this age think they did something to cause the death. There are also some great children's books that deal with the death of a loved one.(Check Amazon.com) How wonderful that you want to reach out even though you feel uncomfortable. That Mom will remember your kindness forever!

J.:

Unfortunately, I have had a lot of experience on both sides of this. You can cook a couple of meals that can be frozen so all she has to do is thaw and put it in the oven. You can also give her gift cards to local restaurants where she can get take out for her and the kids. Offering to babysit is also a nice gesture if you live in her area.

Most people appreciate anything you can offer but in these situations what really hits home are things you can do that make life a little easier for a young grieving family.
K.