Seeking Advice on Visitation Issue

Please be careful! You hear so many stories of astranged husbands doing crazy things! Be safe!
K.

B.,

He has not paid child support or (worse) paid attention to the kids...WHY would he have any say-so in what goes on? Another question...why does he even KNOW where you are going and why? You say he wants to get "back together", but it doesn't sound like he's making any effort to give you a reason to even talk to him.

You say he's working now, are you getting any child support? Are you getting any PARENTAL support? There is NO WAY in hell that I would let your kids spend the night with him. Why? What right has he earned?

If he wants to have a relationship with his kids, HE needs to step-up and make an effort. Telling YOU what to do and such is not an option.

If it comes down to it, get back into court and work out something. Get some financial child support (wages garnished) and work on some visitation in YOUR area - you shouldn't have to let your kids leave the state without you.

Good luck,

T.

And I'm sorry if I sound a little harsh, but my Dad was a dead-beat Dad for over 10 years. My sister and I had to grow up with financial and emotional struggles because HE fled to another state. To hurt my Mom, he had nothing to do with my sister and I. I have very little tolerance (read:NO) for men who are so immature to try and get back at the Mom via the kids (or vice-versa).

I was in almost the same situation you are in. I was with my ex for 3years and I was the one working two jobs. He couldn't keep a job for more than a couple of month either. There was always an excuse of why he got fired and it was never his fault. He has 3 other children other than the son he has with me. He never paid child support for any of them. I would let him visit my son when ever he wanted. Sometimes it would be month before I hear fm him. When he felt like he had nothing better to do he would call to see my son and try to get back together with me. Whe things didn't turn out his way he use to call me name, yell and curse at me too in front of my son. The best thing to do is to cut ALL ties with the man. I finally had to look out for my son because it was doing more bad then good. I didn't want to have my son exposed to him being drunk or high all the time either. Good things happen to good poeple. My ex is completely out of my life now. I have not heard fm him in three yrs. Just be patient and everthing will work out. I finally found someone that treats my son like his own and would do anything for me.

YOU CALL THE SHOTS!!!! Trust me. My oldest son's father wanted nothing to do with him and I used to beg him to come and see him. In the end he became very violent and verbally abusive and after 2 years out of the blue took me for custody. The judge said IN THE CUSTODY ORDER that I WAS a fit and proper parent, but believed that I was keeping my son from him. And get this....HE WON CUSTODY!!! I have limited visitation with a child that I breast fed! The problem is that I see the beginning of what happened to me happing to you. I let him call the shots after a while because I was afraid of him and what he may do. Do not let him bully you, be strong and stand your ground. I would not agree to the over nights either, especially if the youngest doesn't know him. Let him know that you are the one willing to make this trip so he can see his kids and it was not your decision for him to move so far, he has never made the attempt to visit, therefore, you make the decisions. Good luck to you.

You call the shots for sure. This man hasn't beeen there and just because you are going to the state he lives in, he thinks he can have close enough for that i don't think so. Let your business trip be just that, business. I f should want to see the kids it should be on your terms, you raised them you care for them and you suport you. Just my own opionion. Sorry if sounds harsh, but to walk in and out of someones life when they feel like it is not right.

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your situation. I have not gone through any situation like that, but I would stay strong and not let him call the shots. YOU are the one who has been doing everything for your children, so YOU are the one who will call the shots. If he did he part, like he should be doing, then that would have been a different story. You are not been a bad person, mother. You doing a good thing by protecting your children. My 2 kids are the same way with me, they only want to be with me. If they stay at their grandparents house it is only for a short while b/c they start to cry for me.

Stay strong and good luck.

Hi B.,

Wow! You sound like me, please contact me off line (____@____.com) and I will see if I could assist you in any way.

Best Regards,

S. Lauren C.
Paralegal
www.carridrewparalegalservices.com

I have a rocky relationship with my ex as well so I can totally identify with your situation. I understand all too well that you want your kids to have a relationship with their dad, however, YOU are the only parent they have really ever had. You will not violate the your divorce decree by NOT allowing him to call the shots on your trip with your kids. It is admirable that you will even consider letting him come visit and swim at your hotel with your kids. He sounds like he is a control-freak and that is the last thing you need to put in the lives of your children. Stick to your own agenda for your trip and let him come to your kids. He is an adult and he can certainly find transportation to come visit. Its probably not a good idea to share this info with your kids as it will only set them up for heartache and confusion (which you will have to mend) if your ex chooses not to make the trip to visit. Good luck and try to relax and enjoy your precious time with your babies!!

Girlfriend, YOU call the shots definitely. If he wants to see his kids, then he'll make a way to go to you and them to spend time with them. DO NOT let him walk all over you because if you let him start calling the shots, then that's what is going to end up happening.

As another has said, you're going there on a business trip, then let it stay as that. If he's truly interested in spending time with his kids, then he'll do it by YOUR rules!!!!

Good Luck with it ;)

Hi B.: I really feel for you in the situation your in. I am a single parent of a 9 yr son so I kinda know what your goin through. It sounds like your ex has some control issues and he is using your children to control what you do. I believe you should stand your ground. What your ex is showing your children is not love and caring it is rule by force and shouting. Your children are still pretty young right now so they will not understand what's going on. I would even say they don't miss their father. I think they are too young at this point for you to be carrying the guilt of not letting their father near them. That is your burden not the children's. What I mean by this the guilt you feel about protecting them from the bad influences of their father has more to do with you than it does with them. My son's father is in and out of my son's life and quite honestly I prefer it when he is gone. My son is old enough to understand his dad and I are not getting back together and I try to be as honest as I can about how I feel about his dad without bad mouthing him. Your job is to love and raise your kids keeping them from as much as the bad influences in this world and unfortunatley that can sometimes mean the other parent. If your ex really cares about the children he will get his act together and put them first and stop acting like a child himself. God Bless you and yours. K.

B. -

ABSOLUTELY STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR KIDS!!! You are a strong, amazing woman - that is very evident! This trip is not about him. It's about you doing what you need to do. Let HIM make the effort to come see the kids. There's no reason that you should rearrange your schedule to accomodate him when he has been terribly unreliable in the past.

I really recommend speaking to a therapist regarding your children. If it is true that your daughter doesn't know him, it could be very disrupting and scary to her if she is suddenly spending the night with "strangers," even if they are family. A therapist can offer advice as to how best approach this/handle it.

I also would highly recommend that you speak with an attorney about the visitation/child support issues. Are you in WI or IL?
(I could recommend a lawyer if you are in WI).

Trust your instincts and don't let him make the calls. You are the one who has cared for your children full-time! And you are a strong, bright woman!

I iwhs you the best with this situation!

S.

Well, I am 27 years old and kinda had the same thing when i was little. NO MAN SHOULD TELL YOU WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As I was growing up my mother let my step father controll everything and she became a drunk(10 years sober now) and he pretty much ruled everything. He had 3 other kids as well and his kids got everything and My brother and I got nothing. All we did was get hurt. It was not fair. So to answer you with an honest and truthfull answer, I would say no. You have custody of the children and he doesn't. You do everything in your power to provide for your kids. He should never call the shots.
I WOULD LIKE TO SAY GOOD FOR YOU FOR FINALLY STICKING UP TO HIM. No woman should go through that. As far as your kids go, sure they might want to see daddy and all, but they will be hurting in the long run if they do see him. I think that it would be best to keep them with you. One day they will understand and thankyou for it. I still hurt from my childhood, but I try not to think about it ya know?
I really hope things work out with you and it sounds to me like you really dont' need to get back with someone like that. Like I said earlier the only ones that will be getting hurt are the kids. It is not worth it at all. Good luck to you.

I know you have already made your decision but I MUST say this: PLEASE PLEASE PLEAES do NOT leave ANY of his family members ALONE with your children! I have seen it happen SO MANY TIMES-in Ohio, you have no rights...you drop the kids of at your in-laws house or your leave them with your ex and all of a sudden, they have decided the kids are going to stay in Ohio for good and you can't get them back. Going throug the courts to get them back could be a nightmare: please please please be careful, make SURE no one is planning to keep the kids from you--it DOES happen--I am dealing with my best friend's boyfriend...he pays everything for his daughter but can't see her because the ex took her to antoher state--going through the courts is EXPENSIVE and takes forever--he hasn't seen his daughter, even though techinically he has court appointed RIGHTS, in over a year. Have a good time off of work, spend it with your kids, let your dead-beat ex show you he is worthy of being in their lives by getting a job, keeping it and finding his way to see THEM and not the other way around. As a side note: you should be so proud of yourself for making it through the daily struggle--your kids are very lucky to have you.

Hello B.,
It's so sad to know how irresponsible can some "fathers" be (they don't even deserve to be call fathers). Don't let him keep telling you what to do, he doesn't have absolutely any right over the kids, he lost them the day they stop providing and taking care of them (if he ever did). If he gets back w/ you would be just to take advantage of you so he won't ever have to work and you will be taking care of one more person. Besides if he is abusive now that he is far and without any rights, imagine if you let him come and he "thinks" he can have an opinion. Going back to your trip, do not let your kids stay with him, you should be supervising him, you don't know what kind of person he has become since you stop seeing him, do you really think he will have patience when the kids start crying because they are with a stranger? also, and most important, your kids won't trust you anymore if you leave them just like that with a stranger (unfortunately that's what he is). I was in a similar position and after even being threaten of hurting me and my family I could get out of the terrible situation, be strong and think first of what is best for your kids.
Good luck,
D.

I just want to say NO WAY AT ALL SHOULD HE BE LET TO RUN YOUR LIFE. He's the one that left you high & dry with 2 kids to raise. I'm married with 2 kids & my husband knows not to try & tell me what to do. I am very independent. I like to have my freedom. If your ex wants to spend time with the kids, fine let him . Also see how the kids react to him before you leave them alone with him. Before my husband & I were married we shared custody. My daughter is very shy around stangers, but she liked to spend time with her daddy. I would make sure my kids were comfortable around him first. Well, I want to wish you good luck with this.

It is not your responsibility to make sure that he has a relationship with his children it is HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

I have never been in this situation, but I can say that if he treats you this way, how do you think he will treat his own children? He is trying to control you and is using seeing the kids as an excuse.

You told him that your daughter ( who does not remember him) has a hard time being away from you , and he says ' She will just have to deal with me'. That is not a man I would want my kids visiting period, and especially not w/o my being there.

I hope all turns out well.

L.

If I were you, I'd search really deep and ask yourself why you are putting yourself and your children through such a stressful situation? Is the Business Trip really worth it? I'd say forget the whole thing. If you really want to spend some time with your friend, schedule a time to see her and don't let your ex know your coming to town. That way you won't feel pulled in 100 directions. I suspect you're trying to rationalize going there saying it would be good for the kids to see their dad and other family... but will it be? Really?

Your custody agreement gives you the right to call the shots. You are the one in control here not him. Do not let him bully you into making choices that go against you intuition. Use your gut and your mind not your heart. You need to protect your kids at all cost. If they are not comfortable with him this could be a tramatizing event for them. They will want you for comfort and reassurance when they feel uncomfortable or scared. You are not denying him you are just making the terms as given the right to you by the custody agreement. Stay strong do what is right by your kids.

Stay strong and follow your heart. You owe him nothing.

I have a very good friend of over 25 years who went through the very same thing you have described. After her ex-husband left the state and began taking jobs and quitting them, she decided to only allow him contact with the boys when he came to them. She monitored the telephone calls and if he became at all inappropriate or badgering, she ended the phone calls. EVen when they traveled to the state in which he lived, he needed to find a way to come either to where they were staying or to meet her half-way in a public location. She was present during all the interactions with the children. If she felt uncomfortable at any time, she would take the children and leave.

It is crucial for you to set clear limits with yourself and with him. As my friend did this over the years, her boys were able to verbalize when and if they wished to have contact with their father. Both boys are grown men and doing fine.

I admire your decision to work from home with your children. I chose to leave education for a while and returned on a part-time basis. Making the decision to stay home can definitely impact the bottom line. We have three children and with my oldest in college, we recently started a family business which fits into our lifestyle of raising children, working part-time, and volunteering. We are as excited about our AGEL business as we were when we first graduated from college.

We are inviting everyone we know to look at how easy the business is to do as a family in order to replace incomes and to use great "child" friendly products too. Check out our website at www.smartbusinessforyou.com or contact me at ____@____.com.

Do NOT let this man call the shots! Turn off your phone and don't talk to him unless you need to. He sounds like a total loser (no job, no license) and appears to be self centered. He does not have the kids' best interest at heart. The judge could even see right thru him! Don't tell him what you are doing. Keep all conversations business-like. If he tries to pry into your personal life, etc tell him firmly it is none of his business and if necessary, end the conversation. You must be strong for your kids. He sounds like a terrible influence. Sometimes no father figure is better than a terrible one. Be strong!!!

WHY would you even consider allowing him to make any decisions! Please, wise up and cut your losses. I wouldn't even let that man call and talk to my children. You need some tough love. Maybe, if he is allowed no contact with you or your children he would step up and start being responsible. Was he ever responsible?

It sounds to me like he moved to Ohio so his family could take care of him, NOT so he could spend time with his other children. As another poster said, Why does he even know you are going to Ohio? Personally, I think both of your children would be better off not seeing him at all.

I realize it is tough being a single mother, my parents divorced when I was 4. My father was a dead-beat, who never paid my mother a dime. He would quit jobs to avoid paying support. To this day he is a selfish, irresponsible, person. My mother never backed down to him. She made it on her own without financial or parental support from him and I couldn't respect her more for it. She knows she was foolish and irresponsible for having one, let alone, two children with him. She took responsibility for her choices and made a good life for us.

The best thing you can do for your children is to work hard to make a good, happy life for them. Focus on you and your children's happiness and well being. Do not worry about your EX. If he ever straightens up, HE can make the effort to be a positive in your children's life. You can't do it for him.

YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT TO LIMIT HIS TIME! Do not let him bully you into anything. Don't get me wrong I am a true believer in kids having both parents but there is a big but there. If one parent is not consistent with at the very least time (he is not) then they need to stay completely out of the picture in my opinion. It is easier to explain why Daddy doesn't love you when you have never experienced him being around. If you want to allow him time with the children that is still fine because with your situation you can just explain that Daddy lives so far away. He still has no right to tell you what to do with your time or how much time he will have with the children. I wouldn't let him have them without you present over night either. My son's father has been in his life since birth and consistent with time and money and he just started overnights (my son is over 2) and only does it once a month for now.

Legally he has no right to see the kids unless you choose because your court papers state that. If they did not state that because he is not consistently in their lives in any form he still has no legal standing to keep either of them on an overnight. I would laugh at him seriously and give him a copy of parental rights, you can download a copy off of www.in.gov or if you live in another state I'm sure you can download it from you states site too. It is nice that he calls to talk to them but I would lay some ground rules on that too. Your children are not his information highway. He has no right to involve them in adult matters and if he does his right to speak to them should be cut off for a time depending on how often he calls. He needs to understand that everything should be about the childrens well being and not our own. You already understand that because you work 80 hours watching other peoples kids to support your children without any help from him and I know how hard that is because I did the day care in the home thing for awhile with little to no financial support from my sons father at first. You struggle and your kids struggle with him adding more problems that the three of you neither need or deserve. Don't let him call any shots. Your the boss!

I worked very hard to keep my sons father in his life on my terms.

I suggest that you just stay at the hotel and let everyone that wants to see the children come to the children. Do not drive to him for any reason do not let him have control of you or your children. If he wants to see his children he will do what it takes to see his children since your are close to him and you are allowing him and his family the opportunity to come and see them. Don't let him make you feel like you are doing anything wrong not even for a second.

No job? No income? No driver's license? It sounds like he should take control of his own life and not try to control yours. You should reconsider taking your children to OH with you. Dad seems like a very unhealthy and potentially harmful influence on your children. Don't waste your time and energy trying to get this man to be a responsible father to your children. He sounds like he is using your children to manipulate you. Just focus on being the best mother possible. You have an absolute right to determine where and with whom your children spend time - especially since your ex is not current on support and does not have a relationship with your children. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for trying to make good choices for your children!

B.!!!!
please don't feel bad, glad you have us to vent to!
your ex is a worthless bum!! and he has no power or right to tell you what to do. your children need a positive male role model, not some low-life with no job, no license, and uses foul language... besides the fact that he is disrespectful to the mother of his children, let alone a woman in general. he should consider himself lucky you even allow your children to be around someone like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

next time he speaks to you like that or has the gall to try to tell you how to arrange your schedule, calmly CALMLY let him know that if it was that important to see his children, he would have a job, be helping to support them financially and show an effort to make his own arrangements to visit them

ok that's my two cents, but one question, by any chance does he drink and/or smoke pot/do drugs? i'm guessing the answer is yes to one of those questions if not both. and you can tell him even a complete stranger could have guessed!!

my prayers are with you and your precious kids!!! --- and please, do not feel badly about teaching them that that is NOT how a real man behaves, and that their daddy needs to grow up still, and learn to be a grown up!! you do NOT want your kids to think that's normal, you have a little boy who will one day BE a man.... and a little girl that will one day MARRY a man....!!

our girls moved to las vegas with their mom last year, (they're from my fiancees first marriage) and he's STILL a REAL dad to them,even 5 states away!!!

Many of us have been there, and sometimes it's the fear of being the controlling Mom that makes us afraid to put our foot down, but truthfully, the more you give, the more they assume you will, so draw the lines where you think you are respecting your children and let him cope, because it is not going to work to do it his way anyway, you know that already from his track record and you are not being unreasonable! Teach him to respect you by not being his doormat. If he never learns, you know you did the right thing anyway, and he will not ruin everything you attempt to do for yourself and your children.

PS You are doubting and worrying about him and you never know what they will do behind your back! My oldest's dad hired a lawyer to lie and say I had moved with no forwarding address, even telling the post office this to prove in court I did not pick up the certified letters... when I had sole custody and I dropped her off for Christmas and never got her back.

It takes two to fight. Do NOT be drawn into that. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. YOU "call the shots" and try to stop enabling his inappropriate/bad behavior.
If he wants to be in your/the kids lives, YOU set the groundrules. He can take it or leave it, end of story. If he wants to argue, hang up the phone. Listen to your inner voice. As far as his current demands, during your business trip, they are beyond absurd. And get caller ID. 3-7 calls a day, is the obsessive behavior of a disturbed person. I wish you luck. You have your hands full.

B.,

There is no way you should be letting him call the shots!!! He sounds like a real loser, and even though he is the father of your kids, you should not feel guilty about limiting his visitation. Even the judge says so! Don't start second-guessing yourself! Stay strong! You know he is a loser -- don't let him start pushing you around. Don't accept his mother's money if you think that is why he all of a sudden feels like he's got some power here. He doesn't, and don't you start giving him any!!

GOOD LUCK IS ALL I CAN SAY PUT UR FOOT DOWN. bUT AS FOR UR DAYCARE LET ME KNOW WHERE IN HAMMOND U STAY BY I AM LOOKING TO SWITCH SITTERS FOR MY 2 YR. OLD DAUGHTER., CALL MY i DON'T GOT TO A COMPUTER ALOT. ###-###-####

tHANKS AND GOOD LUCK
D.

I think it is time for you to cut your losses and remove him completely from yours and your childrens lives...Go back to court and take away his parental rights.. Don't call him.. Change your number so he can't call you.. Move on with your life and stop letting him control you..Don't mean to sound harsh.. but I have dealt with an ex like this before... My son was 3 the last time he saw that man.. he is now 7 and happy .. He has a father a wonderful father that adopted him .. and he deserves happiness as do you and your children.. so let yourself have it..
good luck,
P.

B.,
I don't think that you should let him take the kids. I would allow him to see them only when your there. And don't let him call the shots. Your their only parent, he's just their father your raising them. I would never let them spend the night. Like you said your daughter doesn't even know him. And he doesn't sound to trusthworthy. Be careful this are your babies.

I just wanted to say that I totally agree with the other moms....I wouldn't let the kids around this man until he improves 120%!! Your daughter doesn't remember him anyway you said, so she won't miss out. Save yourselves the heartache of being let down or disappointed from this person. I wouldn't have even told him that you will be in Ohio at all...it is none of his businness. If he can't make an effort to see his kids, then you are not responsible to do it for him. I would never have any contact with this so called man again, but that is just my opinion. Good luck, and I hope you let us know what you decide, I am very curious as to how this will play out.
A.

B.. First I would like to say you are doing great with your kids. Second don't let this guy tell you what you have to do and when. You make the rules and stick to it. Write out a scheudle of what is going to happen and when and if He wants to be there that is his choice. I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You can email me anytime if you would like to talk. ____@____.com

Hi B.. I am sorry you are going through this. Well, since the little one does not really know him, I would not feel comfortable hvaing them stay with him. And I dont think it is right that he is trying to tell you what you are to do and all that either. I agree with you about the hotel room thing. I think that he shold be greatful that you are doing this, since you could of just come back home and not thought of him. And about the unemployment thing, I dont get that. When i was getting child support for my oldest, he was on it for some time, and I still got the amt I was suppose to.
S. Bailey CLD
Aurora
www.tendermomentsdoula.com

I think you should do the hotel stay and have your ex and his family come to you. You call the shots! He doesn't have a say since he is not even paying support or active in his childrens' lives. He is a stranger to them. I wouldn't want my children staying with 'strangers'. And good for you for stating what was on your mind! Call him back and tell him THIS is how it is going to be! Maybe doing it this way a few times, the kids will get to know him and he will get to know them and it will change his song and dance. For more guidance, say a prayer, ask for God's help.

Good luck and God's Blessings to you
D.