Seeking Advise

Hi M.,
First off, I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

The best advice I've received on relating difficult info to young kids is that they usually don't need as much info as we think they do. My aunt, an excellent psychologist, told me that the biggest mistake we make is overexplaining things to young kids. Tell some form of the truth in the least scary way possible, "The baby would not have been able to have a happy life like you do, and God decided she would be happiest with him," or something like that depending on your religious affiliation. Be careful of saying that the baby was very sick, or she might fear that she or you or a friend might die the next time one of you has a cold. Maybe you could say she was (or would have been) much sicker than any sick your daughter has ever experiened, but that her spirit is alive and happy and with God. After a very brief explanation (maybe two sentences?), ask her if she has as much information as she needs, or, at her age, you might need to ask her if she has any questions if "having info" is too abstract. As soon as she indicates that she has what she needs, move on to another topic. She might ask more questions later, but let her do it at her own pace.

Not to compare our dog dying to the magnitude of your loss, but when our dog Sam died, my son, then 2.5 years, asked if Sam was coming back. I told him that, no, Sam had become very, very, very old (didn't want him to be scared whenever someone had a birthday) and had died, but that she loved him very much and would love to be with him if she could and that her spirit would always be wih us. I guess that was all he needed because a bus drove by and he said, "Bus!!!" in a very excited voice. Now, two years later, he remembers Sammy fondly and mentions how Sam loved him very much. He does ask a lot of questions about how old we and his grandparents are, so there certainly is some concern, but he does not seem overly fearful -- more like he is trying to further his understanding. I hope some of this helps, and I wish you and your family the best during this difficult time.
K.

First, I am relly sorry about the loss to your family. Death is such a horrible reality for all of us but especially when it is that of a child. I would tell your little girl that her cousin is sleeping. That God is watching over her and she can not feel any pain or fear anything. That one day, she will see her again. I would not tell her that she was called by God or that Heaven is waiting for her or any of those things. Let her know that death is natural and sometimes it is unexpected but that when people die they are not aware of anything and are sleeping. My son lost his father when he was was 6 and it was the hardest thing to explain it to him. But he took the explanation and was calm. I wish you and your family the very best. I would encourage youto pray with your daughter asking God to protect and keep her cousin. This way she will get familiar with God as the protector and not he taker of life.

I am so sorry to hear of this situation.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I remember telling my son that not all babies are meant to live outside their mommies, that some just enjoy that little life, and then go live with God. Although I also told him that everything looked great and I did not expect that to happen this time. I guess I felt I needed him to be prepared if something happened. So, maybe, similar language can be used in explaining the situation to your daughter. That the baby has had a wonderful life inside the mother, but isn't strong enough to live outside the tummy, and will go live with God instead.

That''s really sad, I hope your sister is okay.
As far as what to tell your daughter. The best thing to do is keep it simple. Don't go into a lengthy explanation.
I suggest something like... "Honey, I have some sad news. Aunty wasn't feeling very well, so she went to the Dr's, and they told her there won't be a baby this time."
If she asks questions like...
Why? Tell her making a perfect baby is really hard - 100's of things need to happen just right for a baby to be born. Tell her its like a puzzle with lots of pieces and sometimes the pieces don't fit together right.
What's gonna happen to the baby? If you don't want to go into the God and Heaven talk, you could answer her with a question like "What do you think?" or just tell her what really happens. Kids are surprisingly matter -o- fact about this kind of stuff, she probably won't even bat an eye if you use kid appropriate language.
Good luck :)

I would be honest with your child. Kids handle things a lot better then we ever would think. My son is now four but I took him at three to the funeral site where my brother is buried because I wanted him to know about his uncle. You don't have to go into detail about anything but I did let him know that his uncle was killed in a car crash and now he's in heaven. He talks about him with me and we don't see death as a scary thing in our home. Your child will experience the death of a loved one or animal as a young child so it's best not to try and hide it but explain it in a way they can understand. After I took him to the funeral site his Great Grandma died and he explained to me that she was in heaven with my brother and he felt safe about it. He later said to me, "Mom, we sure are going to have a lot of people who we know when we go to heaven."

A book is also a great way to explain things.

Good luck and I'm sure your daughter will be just fine no matter what you decide to tell her.

I would explain that it takes a long time for a baby to grow inside her mama, from a little bitty thing to a baby. The baby didn't grow right and didn't get strong enough to survive outside her mama, and now everyone is sad. She should be allowed her grief along with everyone else.
There are some really good books about death for children. Have her make a picture for the baby, and maybe something that you bought for the baby (small item), and put it in a shoe box and bury it. Make a little shrine for the baby. I'm thinking that something should represent the baby concretely, so you daughter "gets" it a little better (I don't understand death myself very well) And rituals work well to help a child deal with feelings. Make up your own, but I think the symbolic "burying" of hopes is closest to burying the body. It will get her used to the idea for the future.

i find that my almost 4 year old daughter responds well to straight scientific explinations. explain why the auntie's body decided it wasn't ready to grow a kid, some people have trouble growing them or sometimes the body decides that she isn't ready, and waits for a better time. auntie is sad because she was excited about having a baby, but oh well. maybe she will try again or if she cant grow one of her own, there are other choices that are cool. excited, not sad. matter of fact, not scary. kids want to know and they are facinated my nature. i use animals as examples alot when discussing mating, breading, careing for babies. they understand and observe more than we think. hope that helps. ps, the sex ed talk is not that hard when done in scientific and animal terms too.

You may say something to the affect of, "sometimes god decides to keep special little babies to become angels and help watch over everyone else." This lets her know that the baby is going to be born but that he/she was still a special person. This will keep her from getting scared about illness, etc.

Sorry about your family loss. I have had 2 miscarriages. My 6 six year old son (5 years old for the first one) was excited about both pregnancies and having a sibling. We told him that the baby stopped growing, was not inside mommy anymore, and died. He seemed satisfied with that. He never asked where did it go or anything like that. And the answer to that is pretty specific depending on your religion or what you believe. Again, I am sorry for your loss.

P.

Hi M.
I think that you are right, to be honest with your daughter and tell her that your relative lost the baby and how sad she must feel. Tell her how fortunate you are that you have a healthy and strong child and how wonderful it is for you to have her.
See how your daughter reacts and feel what she needs.
Talk from your heart and tell her what makes sense for you. Use this opportunity to talk to your daughter about life in general, about the wonder of life, how life selects naturally the strong and healthy. Children are usually amazingly wise in those moments. It's us grown ups who are afraid to talk about death.
Hope that this was helpful.
With love
D. wier

How about: God decided that he did not want this little baby to come into the world right now. He must have a very important job in mind for that baby, and while we are sad that we can't have him, God always does the right thing. Even if we don't know why He does what He does, it's always the right thing.

Just be honest at her level. We just went through this with our children about the loss of a niece/nephew in the womb. I told them that the baby died...that sometimes the baby isn't growing the way s/he is supposed to, so God brings the baby home to heaven to be safe.

Be prepared for later "blurps", like the one I just got from my 6 year old: "Momma, your baby might die in your tummy". I was stunned, and asked him about it. He said he was thinking about his Auntie and how her baby died in her tummy. I explained to him that it's very important not to say that to someone who is pregnant because it could make the momma cry.

Take time to pray with her about it.

M., I'm really sorry to hear of this loss in your family. This is tough for a three year old, but I don't think you'll scare her if you're frank. If it were my three year old, I'd say that God loved the baby so much, she decided to stay with God. Another baby will be coming soon and we look forward to that. Right now, we have be really sweet to Auntie (Name) because she is feeling sad. But, we all love her and she'll get another baby really soon.
Bless you.
S.

I'm sorry to hear about the loss. You could tell your daughter that the baby has to wait. That she realized that it isn't the right time yet for her to come into the family. You might mention that the baby some how knew that if she came now, she would probably be very sick and sad. She decided to wait until she could be born later when she would be healthy, happy and more fun to play with. If it's true, you could tell her that you are sad that the baby had to wait and you believe that the baby was probably very disappointed that she couldn't be born right now so that she could soon play with your daughter. But sometimes life surprises us and the things that we think are going to happen change. Usually there is very good reason why they change and we just have to trust that. Sometimes that is a very hard thing to do.
My guess and prayer for you is that one day that baby will be born and bring great happiness to the whole family.
With blessings,
J. R.

Hi M.

My two cents:
It may be helpful to frame the story in terms of the naturalness of how life can go. This little one has had a very quick journey into life, this little one wasn't quite ready to be experience a longer life....some lives are long, some are short but either way there is much love for all the children.
Probably the most important thing, however, is see where YOU are at as you speak. Dealing with your feelings will inspire whatever words you find to say.
When my daughter was 2 she was able to not be too bothered by her gold fish dying (I worried more about how she'd take it!). Now that's a small thing compared to a cousin....but perhaps there are some similarities to age 2?
If I had been distraught about the fish, for example, I'm sure she would've taken that cue.
We have been trained to view death in such a horrible scary way. Cultivating a healthy awareness of the cycle of life is useful. It's a practice for us who are older..for the little ones they are fresh and not so "trained" yet.
You may want to check it out with her first with some generally on-topic questions to get a sense of HER perception of the situation before assuming (if you are) anything. I have been pleasantly surprised at my daughter's wisdom toward different situations when I've taken this step first. Makes my "job" easier AND shows me new possibilites.
Be well.

K., mom to Anjeni age 4

Oh M.,
I am so sorry for your loss. My advice is don't make up stories. Tell her the truth in a way she can understand and handle it. If you are a Christian, ask your Pastor/Preacher for help with the words. It could be as simple as "The baby wasn't ready to be born yet and God kept it in Heaven with Him" or "God wanted the baby in Heaven with Him". When we don't tell our children the truth, even at a young age, we set them up to not tell us or themselves the truth in the future. You must always temper t6his truth with the age of the child. Yours is a tragic loss and I will be hoping for the best.
With love,
Patti

Sorry to hear this news. In respose to explaining this to a child. Keep it truthful, but short and SIMPLE. As adults, we often get mired down in details and project a lot of our sorrow onto children thinking they are perceiving the news in much the same way we do. If your child sees you all upset and sad, they will pick up on it. Of course you will acknowledge that it is very sad, but don't dwell. A child's perception of something that is intangible is very different from ours. Be susinct(sp) with your explanation. Be compassionate and understanding and address your child's questions as the arise. I hope this helps. So sorry.

My advice, M., is to tell her the truth that the baby has gone back to "God", or the spiritual world, whatever words suit you, from whence we all come. At her age she needs to hear about it not in factual terms but in a picture/story....you could talk for instance about an animal family whose unborn baby decided to stay with his angel (or God or whomever) but who continues to send love from there to his mama and papa.
best wishes, J. Birns

I am very sorry for your family's loss and grief. The best and easiest thing to do is to keep it really simple and true. I have an adopted boy and when we talk about his adoption and he wants to know "new" things we tell him age appropriate things. Only tell her the baby did not live but her aunt is ok. At three she may not conceptiualize death, but can extropolate that anything negative might have a harmful effect on her aunt. If you don't believe in heaven or god, don't mention it. Sometimes sad things happen to good people. Just tell her something very basic and if she asks follow up questions tell her the truth in simple age appropriate language. I know it is hard, especially with death. We just went through this with my son (he was 4) when his great-grandfather died. It was easier for him to understand than it was for us to tell him. Just follow her lead. Good luck.

I would tell your daughter that it was not the right time
for the baby to be here yet, and that the next one will be even better. I know this sounds bad, but like when a cat has kittens and sometimes one of them does not survive,
it was not meant to be right now.

We had a second-trimester miscarriage when my children were ages 7, 4, and 2. We told our children that sometimes the little body being made in the mommy's tummy isn't working well enough to allow the baby to come and live with the family, so the baby gets to live with Heavenly Father instead. It was hard for all of them, but they appreciated us being open and honest. We promised them they could remember the baby and talk about him when they needed to. I have to admit, they do bring up his death at ackward times for me emotionally, but their grief is just as real as mine so I have to address their concerns. Don't be surprised if your daughter talks about it with her aunt next time she sees her. You should probably try to warn your sister-in-law in advance that your daughter is still trying to understand what happened and that she may talk about the baby's death as she tries to sort it out. Reassuring your sister-in-law that your daughter is doing this because she loves her aunt and because she also misses the unborn baby may actually help your sister-in-law feel loved through her grieving. (You can try to warn your daughter that her aunt may not want to talk about that subject, but you know how kids are... :)

Tell her there was something wrong with the baby and he/she died. Explain that this happens sometimes. You don't need to elaborate, just listen.

Invite her to draw a picture for the baby or the mommy.

Hi M..

I am soooooooooo sorry for the potential loss.

Your daughter's age is still "easy to distract", no matter how mature she is.

Keep your "story short", so short that I wouldn't even call it a story. She may not even ask questions after you tell her. Thankfully they live far away, so your daughter won't be reminded each day.

I would probably say (without crying if you can):

"God thought it would be better if the new baby lived with Him, instead of Auntie....." Period! End of story. Her imagination will go for about 1 minute, and may/may not have a question. But I would have her favorite book ready, so as soon as you're done telling her, ask if she wants to read it with you.

You can go into more detail when she's 20! :o) You know, you may NOT have to say anything until SHE asks you about it. If it's the "topic of conversation" in your home, then she will definitely ask about it. But if you are discreet about it, then she may not ask anything.

Good Luck! I'll say a prayer for your Brother and S-I-L

:o) N.

Hi M.,

My sister-in-law went through the same thing two years ago. She has two boys who are much older and understood what was going on. It was very hard on them, but what got them through it was our religious beliefs. We believe that families are eternal units and that we get to be together as a family after this life. Death is hard no matter what, even more so when it is the death of a child. But my nephews knew that when this life is over they will be able to see and be big brother's to their baby sister who didn't live. I think your daughter will bounce back from this loss very quickly because she is so young and innocent when it comes to these matters. I hope you sister-in-law has the suppport she will need to get through this too.

Hi, M..

I am very sorry to hear about your sis-in-law. The way I have heard it explained is something along the lines that sometimes God takes his angels back if it is really not their time to be born. We know that a miscarriage in a lot of cases is because the baby is not right and the body senses this and miscarriages it.

There is a great book out for children called "The next Place" that explains death. But I think you answered your own question, "be honest." Children demand honesty in us, so be as candid as you can. Children also seem to have a better understanding of God and heaven as they approach such topics with their childlike faith as God can only hope from us adults. I will say a prayer for you and your family during this hard time. As for the Auntie and the loss of the baby, an excellent book for her is called "I'll hold you in heaven" by Jack Hayford. Love & Prayers! C. :0)

That is a hard decision...
Dpepending on how religious you are, I would explain that sometimes God needs more angels in heaven to help him. and that the baby was sick and not feeling good, so God decided to keep the baby with him and have the baby be his helper. that wat the baby can watch over it's family and any other future brothers and sisters the baby might have. S
Something along those lines..I agree it's best not to make up a story, but also to try and give her some reason that makes sense and also gives her comfort! Good luck...

My sympathy to your sister.
When we faced something similar, we started with the topic of death in a very matter of fact way, by pointing out a dead bird, or squirrel (before I would cross the road to avoid it), even "dead" leaves that had fallen from the trees. The message was that every living thing eventually dies. These discussions naturally led to people dying, too. We talked about how we hoped that the people we love would live long, healthy, and full lives, but that eventually everyone dies. This conversation evolved to how sometimes, people get sick and die before they are old. And then, when our tragic event happened, we were prepared to share the news, and our children were in a position to understand and accept it.

Hello,
I havent had to tell my daughter these things because she is only 15 months, however she has a good friend who is three and knows all about death and actually isnt christian, so the god and heaven thing has not been tolod to her. Her friend is not afraid of death...to my surprize she told me all about it!

I would like to remind you that fear of death is mostly a cultural thing. The fear of death is almost always passed from adults to children. Maybe look into ideas about death from non-western cultures. Are you afraid of death? This might be the biggest question to grapple with when thinking about how to relate death to your daughter.

I don't know if you are a Christian or not, if you are you can explain in simple terms that God needed the baby to come and live with in Heavan. If you try to explain too much you'll go over your child's head or you could scare her.

When our good friends lost their precious baby at birth, we kept it as simple as we could(at 3, that is really the key). My children at the time were 11, 7, and 3. I started out by telling them about angels, and how God needs them to help him with His work. I explained that when babies go to heaven, they go to be God's angels. It is sad for us since we don't understand how wonderful heaven is, but part of trusting in God means we don't always understand why. My then 3 year old was very sad for a while, I just continued to validate how she was feeling, and we would pray together. It is really amazing how God works in our young ones!

My prayers of peace are with you and your family! May the Holy Spirit guide you in your conversations with your child!

God Bless!

This is a really tough, but very real thing you're dealing with. It's not going to be easy and I sympathize with you. When my two eldest sons were 5 and 4 years old, I lost my baby daughter. She was overdue and didn't make it through the birth. In fact, she was recorded as a stillbirth. My sons were devastated. They didn't understand why or how something like this could've happened. It has impacted my eldest son's life. What I did at that time, was I did my best to explain that sometimes babies don't make it. I bought some books on Grieving Children to help them get through the rough time. I also got in touch with our local hospice for advice and counseling for my entire family. Time is the only healer, though, and the fact that the heaviness of the situation tends to diminish when another baby comes into the picture. Your daughter may still be young enough to not understand just how long it takes to have a baby. Perhaps a new pregnancy will be in the very near future and at that time, your daughter can see the happy ending with the next pregnancy. Be sure to be good to yourself during this time. Often times our children pick up our own feelings of saddness. In many ways, our children reflect what we're feeling and just want to be there for us. Do some reading and take lots of walks. Time heals. My heart goes out to you. I think there is no harder thing than to lose a much wanted baby. D.

I've always just been matter of fact about these kinds of things. I misscarried when my daughter was 2 and she was actually right there with me, rubbing my leg as I was in pain and going through all of it. I simply told her that babies are very fragile and sometimes they don't get to live long enough to be born. But that baby Elijah was our angel now and we will always love him in our hearts. She wasn't weirded out or scared or anything.

M.
I would do as you said and be honest. Tel her the baby was not well and sadly she passed away. Tell your daughter that she will be missed and that everyone is sad about the loss. I also feel it is important to be honest with our kids. If you try to tell a story it will just lead to more lies on top of lies. I am sorry for your loss.
J.

The way that my husband and I have handled talking to our kids about death, is by letting them know that God missed the person so much that he wanted them to come back home to be with him. So far this explantion has answered things for them very well. I originally tried explaining in detail about death, but it was just too confusing for them. I hope that this helps you somewhat.

The truth, in an age-appropriate fashion.

I have not had to experience this type of loss, but have had friends who have. They told the older children that God decided that he needed the baby in heaven more than we needed them on earth. I think if you make it sound more positive it can be of comfort to her. Also, you can talk about how the angels will keep her company. My prayers go out to your family during this sad time!

As Christians, we celebrate children that are living in Heaven with peace, love and joy. Even those babies who live for a short time, live only inside Mom, or live with severe illness, bring everlasting joy into our lives- no matter how long they are present in our lives. Each little life has meaning, and "a person is a person, no matter how small." (Horton Hears a Who).

Here is a website about a child that lived for 99 days. It is a tribute to the baby and may help you. http://www.ignitermedia.com/products/iv/singles/570/99-Ba...

Here is my friends website, her baby lived 49 days:
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/tessayates

Her celebration was held at a childrens playground, we released 49 pink balloons, all tied together, and watched them float to Heaven to celebrate her life. Maybe this will help your three year old understand?

You could tell her that heavenly father still needs her in heaven and that it is not her time to be on earth. I have used that one with my son and he seemed to take it o.k. he still asked questions like why would heavenly father need her in heaven and I responded with- Heavely father may have had an important job for her to do. he left it at that.

When I was 3 my mom had a still born pregnancy. According to her, I was very much excited and attached to the baby and when he didn't come home she sat me down and told me that Bryan was in heaven with God. My response was "So Bryan lives at Gods house?" and she told me yes. Until I was old enough to realize what had actually happened to him, I believed that my Brother was living at a house with a man named God because he didn't have any babies and he wanted to take care of him. Mind you, I decided upon that conclusion on my own. It may be easy enough just to tell her that the baby is going to stay with God. Small Children are so open to these things.

Call your children's librarian and ask for recommendations for books to explain the concept. I'm so sorry.

Obviously, you beleive in God. Dont you trust him? If you are intending to make this into something "God did" then trust him to take care of your daughters emotions about it. Death is natural, and, although we do not wish our children to experience it this young, they will all experience death. Be honest, and let her know it's okay to be sad. Also, involve her with another baby. Someone in your circle of friends that live in this state.