Seeking Advise with Mother-in-law Issues

I have a mother-in-law that is very similar. But her issue is that her daughters are all skinny and grew upon the farm and I am overweight and from the city. She was wonderful before we got married and changed the day we did tie the knot (she even wore her funeral outfit to the wedding). But she pays more attention to her daughter's son then my daughter (my daughter is 3, the baby is 4 months)and never really held my daughter when she was a baby. So I am with you. I have no real advise, but to sit down with your husband and let him know how you feel and that maybe he should say something (and you may have to tell him exactly what to say) but make sure it is something where no one is the bad guy. Like she maybe doesn't realise she is paying more attention to the older one (even if she really does know). And then he may not get so defensive about his mom. I am the grin and bear it kind. Good luck though!

M., I don't mean this in a rude way at all but, could it be your imagination? I did not read anything in your post that really said anything bad about your MIL. She wants to see you more often? Not something a hateful woman would say. She loves her only child? That's understandable. Try to be more objective.

It's not that I don't know how you feel, however. I often felt (and sometimes still feel) that my MIL is not quite happy with me and that she pays more attention to my husband's sisters children. But, she has never said an unkind word about me to my husband, she helps us in many ways and loves my daughter very much. I have to admit, I may not always feel the best about myself; my husband's sisters are skinny and pretty and I'm not exactly thin anymore, so especially on the days that I feel a little down about myself I tend to question my MIL's feelings about me.

Try just talking to her about her past; show interest in her life and how she brought up her son, you may just find that her "sweet act" is not an act at all. If you try to strike up a friendship and she snubs you at least you've tried and you're the better person for it.

Wishing you the best!

Have you tried talking to his mother? See what it is that is getting in the way. That would be the only thing to do. I hate when I hear that the husbands don't see anything wrong because obviously it's something that really bothers you so I think maybe all three of you should sit down. If he doesn't want to, offer to take her out to lunch, just the two of you & just tell her in a nice way that you think there might be some issues between the two of you. Maybe she doesn't realize that somethings bothers you (yeah, wishful thinking right). You never know until you talk.

Good luck!

P.

I am a new first time mom, so I may not know too much about babies just yet -- but mother's-in-law I know VERY well.

My mother-in-law sounds very similar. My advice is to first make it clear to your husband that this is an important issue for you. Pick a time to talk about it when you can be kid free for a little while and it isn't immediatlely following a situation with the MIL -- this way neither of you are fueled by the situation.

Now, I know that some people feel it is important for you to talk with your MIL about your concerns, but I truely feel it needs to come from her son. Until he sits down and presents a united front with you, you will never get anywhere. My experience is that no matter how much your MIL may like you, you will always be the hussy who stole her baby boy -- which means in a disagreement, your opinion doesn't count.

My other suggestion is to have a plan, which you and your husband agree on, in place prior to visits. This way, you know how you will handle things if MIL is treating the children differently.

The sad news is the situation will most likely get worse before it gets better. After YEARS of struggling with my MIL, she is finally starting to act more like a normal person -- but this was after her son finally told her that until she started acting in a more sane manner and started treating me with more respect, he wasn't going to be able to speak to her.

Just so you don't think I'm an terrible person who just dislikes here MIL for no reason....

Crazy things my MIL has done:
1) Insisted her son visit her at least once a week (by himself)
2) 4 days after my wedding told me that she didn't know why she allowed her son to marry me (and I was the girlfriend she LIKED when he was dating)
3) Called me a F*** B*** on Christmas eve and told be to get the hell out of her house. To this day she claims she doesn't remember saying it.
4) Got so upset she wouldn't talk to us because we didn't put our son in enough of the clothes SHE bought for him. -- She knew this by looking at the pictures we sent out over email when our son was a month old (and basicly lived in oneies).

And I have MANY more stories like that.

Good Luck.

And whoever said that you don't marry you're husbands family...right? I was in this situation too. When our 1st born was a baby we lived right around the corner from my MIL so we saw her a lot. She used to make comments about what the baby was wearing and other comments that made me feel like a very bad mommy...but she wouldn't say them to me, she'd say them in a cooing voice...to the baby! I discussed it with my husband who said I was taking it the wrong way blah blah blah. So I did the ever so mature thing and I told him that when we were over at her house if she started the bad mouthing cooing thing I was just going to leave....since I could walk home, around the corner. I did this quite a few times before she got the hint, but she got it. It's been 14 years and we are in a much better situation now. We have 2 smaller kids, a 4 year old and a 6 month old and we haven't had the problem arise. Like I said, not the most mature way to handle it, but it got the point across to my hubby and his mommy. :)

Oh honey, I'm right here with you. The only thing I can suggest is that your husband sit her down and tell her kindly, but firmly, what's going on and why it has to change.

When I first started dating my husband, my (now) mother-in-law pulled him into the kitchen and said (loud enough for me to hear) "you know she's only dating you to use you to pay her bills and raise her son". That was our first interaction together. Needless to say, they didn't go much better in the following years. She cried when we announced our engagement. Not the "I'm so happy my baby's getting married" tears, the "Oh my God, what have you done??" tears.

Like you, this is pretty much the only reason my hubby and I argue. I finally said enough was enough, and he sat down with her and they talked about it. Since then, there's still some tension, but it's gone alot better during our visits. Like one of the other mom's said, if it comes from you, it won't mean a thing to her. If it comes from her son, she'll listen. I hope you find something that helps! Good luck!