Seeking All Mom's Advice.

I'm sorry to hear that, Is your daughter sending her son for a couple of years? This seems so cold. I just can't imagine shipping off my child because I have to study or do something more important.
The psychological impact on her little boy will be so big. She'd better really prepare him before he finds himself in a new place with a father whom he really doesn't know well. Your grandson might be asking himself what did he do wrong that his mommy doesn't want him anymore.

If your daughter needs help with taking care of her son while she is at school maybe you could suggests that you will help her?
Wow just wow about the idea.

My best advise is to make it a point to get to know your son's father. I assume your grandson has been a significant part of your life.....are you in a position to take care of him for your daughter?? do you want to??? Does the boy's father want to have full time custody of him??? Here is my story....it will help you understand how important keeping contact can be....

I feel your pain. My grandson saw me 3 times between the ages of birth and age 6....twice between age 6 and 15. The first 6 yrs of his life, my son was in the military (stationed in Hawaii and I couldn't afford the trip to visit) They were a family. When they returned to the mainland, my daughter in law moved out of state with the boy. She turned away the letters, packages, etc that I sent for my grandson. When she was killed in an automobile accident when my grandson was 13 my son agreed to allow his son's maternal grandmother custody of the boy. My son did not get over the loss of his wife even though they were divorced .....he killed himself 3 yrs ago. Suddenly my grandson was put in a situation where he knew little or nothing about me or my ex-husband, but his maternal grandmother had her head on right. She is still raising him ( he will be starting his senior yr of high school in the fall).....and she makes it a point to have him spend time with his grandfather and myself. Like you we are all young grandparents.....(we are just now turning 50).... I had NEVER been asked if I wanted to be included or excluded in the child's life....and I was not even considered as a substitute parent even though my youngest is only 3yrs older than my grandson... I would have been more than happy to step in and be a part of his life and feel like I was cheated out of my role as grandparent. My grandson and I have a decent relationship now, but it has been a long hard road. I hope he understands that I will be there for him no matter what....but only time will tell with this. I am hopeful that as he goes out on his own in the next year or so ( he is planning on attending a college out of state) that he will consider his grandfather and myself as "home".

Wowwww!! I'm heartbroken for you. I am single and 33 (slowly getting back into the school thing) and have a now almost 5.5 yr old and after serious serious consideration (2 yrs) for her well being and state of mind, i recently told her (literally a couple of weeks ago) about her dad who lives in a different country. She was ecstatic as was he but he understood my hesitation and even agreed that he was not consistent enough or stable in his living situation (living in 3 countries in the last 5 yrs) for her little mind to understand why daddy wasn't always around. They have spoken now on webcam a few times and on the phone even more but never never would I feel that I need to place the one little treasure I've been blessed with anywhere else to get my education. That would devastate her more than anything!

She is not a passed down toy that I have taken my turn with and now i'd like it out of my way so I can take on something new. She is what keeps me strong and makes me go so if I want to succeed in school (for us) after being out of school for so long, what more do I need than that little human being that motivates me more than anything ever could.

I took on full time school, and 2 jobs for several months when my daughter was 3.5 she was always so excited that M. was going to school and that she would hear about M.'s day and M.'s homework and know that we would do something really great like watch The little mermaid ten times on Sunday because that was OUR time. I have had her 5 years and only wish I could keep her forever and ever :)

Please understand I am not attempting to pass judgement on your daughter but my situation is all so fresh so it hits a nerve.

Hi D. You didn't say why your grandson father hasn't been in is life these six years. Now your daughter is saying it's his turn like a chore of something. what is she going to do stay out of his life for the same length of time? this is not good for her son. Now he's going to have to get use to being with his father!!! And like you said "there's really nothing you can do about it." Unless you can prove him unfit to care for him. This may only confuse him. He may also feel rejected and become a behavior problem. I hope things works out fine for him. Just pray for him everynight and try to keep in contact with him often.

D.,
I really feel sorry for your grandson. I have a six year old son who I could not imagine sending "away" somewhere even if it is to live with his biological father. They are still so very young at this age and need a mother. Something must be going on with your daughter. My six year old is independent, but is very much still a momma's boy. It will be such a traumatic experience for your grandson that will most definitely have irreversible consequences. Is there any thought of stepping in here and getting legal advice. Since you are a young grandma would you be willing to step in as parent? Obviously your daughter is very inmature and selfish for 28 years old. I really do question if something else is going on with her. Maybe she needs to be evaluated by a doctor. Mental disorder, drug use, etc. I hope your your grandson's sake this move does not happen...poor little guy!

To add to the previous poster's comments, she also needs to be cautious of him fighting for full permanent custody. The fact that she is so "willing" to send him to a father he hardly knows could come back to haunt her later. She really needs to think this decision through thoroughly. I hope she comes to her senses and realizes that having raised this child for 6yrs by herself, she has proven herself to be a strong woman who can manage to return to school if she chooses, with the support of her son and her obviously caring, supportive mother. Good luck

Hi D.,
Have you tried sitting down and talking with your daughter about this? Does she really want to handle things this way or is this the only option she thinks she has? Is it possible that you can watch your grandson for her? Maybe discuss that and see if it helps. It sure would be a big -- and hard -- change for her boy especially since it seemed his dad didn't keep in contact anyway. I don't know the father but it could be a bad choice. Try sitting with your daughter for a talk.
Good Luck,
J. J.

Is the young man reasonable? If he hasn't spent any time before, he might not be too excited about this now. Do you want the grandchild to live with you? Talk to the young man also. The Dad that is.) He might welcome the intrusion. And your daughter might really appreciate it. Sounds like she's got a boyfriend maybe? There's not a lot of moms who can easily give up their child like that unless someone else is sticking their nose in it. I feel so bad for you. That has to be hard. Here's a hug.

if u are concerned about the grandkid living with his dad then if at all possible (if u can that is )see she ur daughter would let ur grandson live with u

Hi D.,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandson. Unfortunately he will feel abandoned by his mother if she goes through with this. My young teen daughters insisted on going to live with their dad because they thought the grass would be greener on the other side. They quickly found out that wasn't the case. Prior to them figuring that out the legal documents were changed to grant their dad residential custody. They were upset that I couldn't make it change and then accused me of abandoning them. They are now older and finally realizing a little bit about life. My eldest daughter is moving in with me next month so that she can go to college. It has taken a few years, but with lots of prayer and work the wounds are finally beginning to heal.

Are you in a position to take your grandchild in; would your daughter be willing to let you if you are? I know you feel helpless and sick watching this all happen. I do know that our wonderful Lord and Savior can do anything. I would pray, pray, pray and ask Him to intervene in this situation and open your daughter's eyes to see her son's needs and not just her own. At his tender age he will be scarred for life. This is not his choice. You are his only hope. Don't give up or sit by and do nothing. Pray.

I will keep you in my prayers.
Blessings,
L.

Well it is good that you realize that there is nothing you can do about the child leaving but you can establish a realtionship with his dad. Many grandchildren live in a different state than their grandparents. A wonderful thing that I have is a webcam and with AIM which is through AOL instant messaging you can see and talk to people across the world that also have a webcam. The AIM program is free and easy to use. My son is in the Air Force and stationed in South Korea and get to see and talk to him at least 4 times a week when I can catch him. There is a 12 hour time difference so I have to catch him when he is awake. This is a wonderful way to make the distance seem not so far away. You will be able to stay in touch with your grandson. Then just pray that his dad is a fast learner and will be a great father. I hope this helps.

D., Is it because she is afraid she can't take care of him and go to school? can't afford daycare? or she just can't do it? Or is she hoping you will say you will take him? is it an option for her to move in with you while she finishes school? sometimes a young woman just needs help and doesn't know where else to turn. I would think sending him so far away is a drastic measure that she needs to really thing thru.
S.

I'm a grandmother too, and I'll bet you never could get her to listen to you. She probably won't now, either. Are you perhaps toying with the idea of taking him yourself? A lot of kids have been raised by grandmothers. There are grandparent support groups, and though it seems like a big undertaking, he will be in school all day, with before and after school care provided in the school at minimal cost. You and she could share care on weekends. Just jump in and expect to enjoy it and the years will roll by. You will never have to face that nagging question whether he would have been better off with you that you will if his Dad assumes full care.

My advise to you grandma is to pray for your grandson and not be upset. I think your daughter is making the right decision if your grandson's father wants his son. I believe he has a responsibility to take care of his son, as a man your grandson need to have a relationship with his father,and the only way he can do that is to be with him. Talking on the phone is not enough, or visits two or few times is not enough for your grandson, he needs his father to be part of his life. Your daughter is going back to school that is great, and your grandson can always visit his mother and yourself. Let him go and be part of his father's life and bond with his father as long as his father wants him and take care of his son, that is what a father is for. Just pray for them to have a good relationship, fathers need to raise their sons, a woman cannot raise a man like a man raise a son. Don't be upset, encourage them your daughter, grandson and his father to get along and have fun and enjoy each other's, company, this is good for your grandson's emotions to have his father in his life too. Remain blessed.

Wow, I sympathize with you. If your grandson's father is on his birth certificate and paying regular child support, you probably cannot do much about the arrangements your daughter and he make. However, grandparent's rights are (according to the attorney who does my son's child support arrangements, etc.) a ever- evolving section of law, with new laws being written all the time, and varying from state to state. Do you have any sort of relationship with your grandson's father? Even just a polite one? Could you call him and say that you are glad he will be spending more time with his son, but that you will also be missing him and make arrangements to have him for a couple of weeks vacation or something? My son goes to Ohio to see my parents and his cousins for 2 or 3 weeks each summer in addition to them coming out here to visit him. His dad got in a huff about it once, but my parent's threatened to sue for grandparent's visitation rights and he backed down right away, even though it probably wouldn't have gotten that far. I don't know what to say about your daughter- it isn't the priority I would have. BUT- it may be that the dad is trying to get his act together and be a better dad, and that can only be positive for your grandson. If your daughter doesn't want to help you get time with your grandson, try talking directly to his dad, unless you have a terrible relationship already. Explain that you have a close relationship with your grandson and make his dad see that having your support and help will only be A POSITIVE for his relationship as well. You'll catch more flies with honey than vinegar!! Good Luck!

Have you suggested that you can care for her son while she attends classes and studies...maybe during the week and then she can take him on the weekends?

Have you discussed this with her? Maybe discussing what she knows about the boys father. His lifestyle. Is he in another relationship with other children? How often will she see her son? Does the father even know the plans she has for him to take the boy? Has he agreed to this? Does he have a family network he can count on to help him care for his son?

Then again, not to sound too harsh, but if she's willing to send her son off to another state while she attends school (who knows how long that will be....two years, four years, beauty school????) then maybe he might be better off with someone that at least acts like they want him.

Maybe discuss with her the message she's sending her son that she's not willing to make the sacrafices she should make as a mother to care for him and get her education to better care for him......instead she's just going to ship him off to his father like her son is a burden and now it's someone elses turn to shoulder the burden.

She will have to be careful that he doesn't get the wrong message about his mother's actions and then grow to feel unwanted, unloved, and a child to be disliked. Many children get ideas in their heads that they aren't wanted or caused their parents problems. I would hate for him to grow up thinking his mother didn't love him.

I'm not sure she's thinking about her son and his needs and wants, but only her own desires and stress.

I'm thinking that my own mother would have gone through much to care for me and my brothers while bettering herself to eventually care for us better and better.

My grandmother cared for four kids after her husband was killed. She had four kids ranging in age from 1 year to about 7 years old. That was in the 50's. She could have put them up for adoption. She could have given them to different family members (which was common in those days if there was no father). She worked the night shift and got home in time to get just a few hours sleep. Now it's not entirely the same situation, but the point I'm trying to make is that my mother loved and appreciated her own mother deeply because of the sacrafices that my grandmother endured to care for her and her siblings. They had great love and respect for their mother until her death. They knew how she felt about them because she was never willing to give-up or give them away to make her own life easier. She did whatever it took to care for them and keep the family together.

I'm wondering what kind of memories she wants her own son to have....with some help she can set the example for her son and show him what it feels like to have a momma that will go the extra mile for him.

Wow! There are a lot of questions. Does the father even want to take custody of your grandchild since he has been sporadic at keeping in touch? Or, is this your daughter trying to force him to do what she has had to do for 6 years?

I don't know if it is as extreme as drugs or anything else. I have worked with many young women who have gotten pregnant at a younger age or before they reached their intended goal. It just sounds like she is hurt and angry...possibly about having to be a single parent and not having the opportunity to accomplish some of her goals. She sees the father's life as free of all the things she has been made to deal with and this is her reaction. Eventually, she may need to talk to someone about this. But, for now, I think it would help if you talked to her about what is causing her to make this decision instead of talking about the actual decision itself.

If she can begin to see and accept that she made some choices that lead her to where she is currently at...take responsibility for that...and figure out how she will work it out instead of running from it.

As angry as she probably is with the father for not taking more responsibility...she hasn't yet realized that she would be doing the same thing she is angry at the father for- not being an active part of the child's life anymore. Except your grandson remembers her being a part of it and it will have a different impact.

You can't change what is in her heart to do, but it sounds like she is really making a decision out of anger and hurt and it is a reaction. Maybe you could talk to her some more about what is really going on. And, maybe you could help her explore all the possibilities because when and if she realizes she made a mistake...it may not be that easy to reverse things. Hopefully by exploring these things and helping her think it all the way out, that may speak for itself.

I hope all works out.

D.

I am so sorry for you. What a loss!

I cannot understand your daughters thinking. I am a single parent for the second time. I would have a very hard time giving my sons to their fathers. I wrote my Will so that my husband cannot have custody of my son. He will never get a penny because I set it up so he can have nothing.

I worry for you. Like you said he does not know his father. She will not get the aid for school she would as a single parent. She could lose full custody to him. She will probably have to pay child support. If they did not do this in court she my be in voilation of the state laws regarding children. I am just very worried.

I feel so bad for you because the relationship between grandchild and grandparent is so important. Grandparents give children a better view of the world.

I will add you to my prayers.

D., I'm sorry to hear you're going through so much trouble. I'm the same age as your daughter and couldn't imagine giving my son up... I also couldn't imagine how my mom would feel if I did. He's her world. Have you tried offering to help her with school so she can keep her son? Maybe you could arrange to go with him for the first week or so to help him adjust to daddy/stranger while also easing your mind and making sure he's going to be okay? Like you said, there's not a whole lot you can do, which I imagine makes you feel pretty helpless. I wish you luck and strength. You and your grandson will be in my prayers. If you need to talk send me a PM.

I am so sorry to hear this. You sound heartbroken and I can't help but wonder if your daughter doesn't have ulterior motives. It just seems that the "dad" doesn't really even know his son, yet, she is eager to ship him off and, yet, she couldn't live with DAD long enough to stay married. Something doesn't sound right. Does he pay child support regularly? At the very least, you could do a background check on him???

Is she somehow trying to get back at you or is she looking for you to agree to possibly raise him full time? Does she really like her son and get along with him? Does the dad REALLY want his son full-time? It's going to appear to the courts, that she was eager to part with him, if he ever decides to fight her for full-time custody. Just doesn't sound normal to want to part with your only son just to go back to school - yes it's hard to have children and do that but... Wow, how cold of her!!!! Seems she has other options that she can take.

This arrangement could be devastating to a child, who is sent away from the only family he knows- his mother, you, your other daughters- as well as his neighbors, friends and schoolmates- to stay with a man he doesn't know.

Is counseling an option???

Can you arrange to have this conversation with your daughter with a licensed clinical social worker helping mediate?

Many insurance plans cover the services of professional counselors or LCSWs. I would strongly encourage your daughter to seek professional advice before making this monumental decision that will impact the child on so many levels.

Good luck!

Just Pray about it!

If the dad is responsible and you don't feel he's any harm to the child (mentally, physically or emotionally) and if your daughter and/or you will still be able to maintain contact and a relationship with the child it'll be OK.

It might actually be a good thing if your daughter really takes the time to better position herself and won't have a problem getting him back. I would strongly encourage her to get the arrangement in writing and go through the courts to do so.

Hi D., you know and I know it's the wrong thing to do...your grandson is so young and needs stability in his life...you are concerned, because first of all you will miss your grandson and second and most important you have no idea of his father's lifestyle...I was guardian of my grandson and he always wanted to go live with his mother, my daughter, who lived in another state...my grandson was 16, and I thought I was doing the right thing...believe me, it was the mistake of my life...my grandson found his way back to me via joining the circus...it's a hard lesson to learn...try talking to your daughter and let her read some of the advice that you receive...the best thing for her to do is to hold her son close to her and guide him through his life...time flys and he will be a young man...she doesn't want to miss out on a thing that he does, wants or needs...my prayers go out to you and and your family, Love Jo

Even though it sounds like the worst thing in the world, if the dad is responsible and understands that he too, is obigated to take care of his son, then I don't see nothing wrong. Some of the problem is that He only talks with him occasionally, so what kind of relationship can the two of them have. I think your daughter is making a correct decision and think you should kinda put yourself in her situation. She wants to better herself and sending her son away for some time can not be easy for her. I think you guys should pray about it and think positive about the new relationship your grandson will soon have with his father. He already has one with you and mom. It is really not about you.

Wow. I do not mean to speak badly of your daughter, because she is your child, but I think she really needs some professional help and counseling before she makes this decision. On the outside it does look cold and selfish, but for a mother to want to do such a thing, there must be something very hard going on with her right now that she does not know how to handle. This move would be upsetting for you, but it will be absolutely devastating to your grandson. Imagine being six and moving to a whole new place with a whole new parent you barely even know. The damage will be severe and long lasting. Beg your daughter to talk to you some more before she does anything. I don't know what you are capable of offering in the way of help, but do anything you can to get her to hold off. Maybe even the father does not want this to happen. Your daughter will pay for this down the road as well, when she realizes what an awful mistake she made. Maybe you can convince her to let her and her son stay with you while she goes to school. Maybe she will agree to let the child live with you for now while she gets herself in order with school or whatever it is. That way she will still be near him and can be around him as often as she wants. If she sends him away she will have a hard time visiting him. She may feel tired, worn out, burned out, overly stressed and just needs some time to think and sort things out. I know from my own experience how hard it is to be a single parent, but giving away your child should not even be an option. It would be much better for her and her son to be with you or at least near you while she works things out. I really hope and pray your daughter will take some time to think about this before she acts, for your sake, for her sake, and most importantly for the child's sake.

Gosh D.,
This is so sad. How painful.
I don't know if this is helpful, but I will add my two cents anyway!
First, have you talked to your daughter? Can you help so that she doesn't have to send her son away?
Second, is she fully aware of the consequences? I know you can only help a person so much........
Third, what kind of relationship do YOU have with the father? Can you develop one, even if you have to eat a little crow? I'm sure he will need help and having you to at least talk on the phone with and help the adjustment will be really useful to both of you! I think that might be your best bet and hope that he sees your good intentions and wants the help.
I hope everything works out!

well not sure how much this will help you but in some states grandmas have rights. which means you can get visitation to the grandchild. my sis x tryed to take her little girl from her when they brok up and both his mom and my mom got visitaion one day a week. hope this helps good luck.