Seeking Feedback for Marital Problems

I am sorry this is happening. I have gone through some ups and downs with my spouse amd it truly sucks. There were times that I wondered if I loved him and we went weeks, close to a month with out sex. I still struggle because he works so long and we don't get to do stuff like most married couples do. Hang in there. I do not believe people marry and live happily ever after. It is very rare to find couples who are just so in love with each other. Marriages are a lot of work. I think it is good to seek a counselor, but I also think that you should stick it out and try to work it out. The magic did come back and I am so glad we re togther,we have a second baby and it is still hard, but I have learned to not let the small things bother me. I hope things et better, you can always pm me if you need to talk

I think every woman and man at some point has these feelings or thoughts about their marriage. Some of us act upon them and divorce and others try to figure out what to change the relationship.

Marriage is blissful in the beginning with all the dreams of what ifs and then the reality settles in of the day to day living together for better or for worse. Yes, we do see the worse side(s) of our spouse. We get to see the real person who has let their hair down and sometimes we are in for shocks. Well, as these changes occur so do we, we grow up and we either grow together as a unit or we grow apart as strangers.

Happiness is what we make of it for ourselves. No one can make us happy but us. Once we realize that we can be better people and do more things.

Have you done anything together lately as a couple? Have you had a date night to remember why you married each other? Have you been spending too much time with your baby avoiding hubby? Have you looked at the vows that you took at the alter for better or for worse, in sickness and in health and for richer or for poorer til death do us apart? Look at each of these are look really deep down at the meaning.

I say this because after many years of marriage I too was about to go out the door when hubby became gravely ill. I had to have him rushed to the hospital and fight with the ER staff to do an xray of his head to find out there was more trouble than they thought and have him flown out out a flight for life to another city. I would not know if he were dead or alive until I got to the hospital the next day. On his way out in another ambulance to the airport I said to God he is in your hands. The doctor told him when we took the clot out you came back becaue he was at the end of the golden hour of life. He thanks me every day for what I did and he also sees just how much of an as----- he was to the whole family and is trying to right all the wrongs.

Yes, I feel as if I have been a rolling ball of fire for the last two year and was spit out with singed edges still smoking but I did come out of it and I have a new friend. We do things now he would not have stooped to do or enjoyed to do. Next month we will celebrate our 39th anniversary.

So for all of you "newlyweds" life goes on and it is up and down but it is what you make of it. Our children are grown and life in different states than us about 7 hours away so we only have each other to lean on in the later years of life. I relate very well the the warts, the discust of sex and so on but life is what you make of it.

Get yourself a hobby that only you do and do it. Become selfish and take time for you and say NO because then you become a better person. Stop putting you last. You are a woman, a wife and a mother in that order not a mother, a wife, and a woman. Otherwise there will be no woman for anyone to think or dream about.

Sorry for being so long winded. Remember nothing of any value is gained in a short race it is the long haul and the changes that you go through that make you who you are. Life is a journey and not a race.

Peace to you.

The other S.

Hi there
I have been married for five years now with two little ones. I know exactly how you are feeling! No marriage is perfect in fact some of the best marriages become their strongest after there near breaking moments. Does that make sense? There have been a few times in my marriage where we have questioned divorce....one question I have for you is -have you asked yourself the underlying reason why you feel this way? Perhaps you feel neglected/placed last? Just not in love anymore? Maybe you are bitter at something that has caused all these feelings? I have really questioned my marriage after our big move across the country ....it has made me lonely, upset, bitter, depressed even. This was one of my reasons I was having my own thoughts and questions. My best advice is try to think back to why you married him? What have you guys accomplished together? What would your life be without him? I feel as if I am digging to deep into this but to answer your question YES! I have gone through these feelings myself...marriage is hard work and there sometimes comes a point in every marriage when the question arises...Is it worth it?

I am sorry you are feeling so bad. In my marriage I have had times that I want more time alone and my husband wants time with me or vice versa, but I don't think I have ever been disgusted with him. I have felt that way with boyfriends when I really needed to end the relationship but for some reason could not "hurt" his feelings quite yet. But my hubbie was very understanding in my post-delivery phase when I just had zero interest in sex. The interest has come back, the time to have it is still limited. I stayed home for 10 years with our 2 kids and there were times that I felt totally like a slave - no personal activities at all except maybe to go have dinner with my sister and at the end of a night like that I would have enjoyed her company but was still tired from driving around and wished I could have just had an evening to myself in the tub with a good book. Other moms somehow found time to go to book clubs once a month or to yoga classes every week or get up 3x per week to run in the morning with friends, I just did not have that drive I guess. Unfortunately, if you just really do not like him anymore and cringe at his attention, maybe you just fell out of love with him? Instead of spending more time with him, perhaps you need time for yourself, to do something that you enjoy. Join a gym and take a sauna afer riding the bike, or take a class in something at the local community center or college (I have always wanted to take Tai Chi but never have). If nothing else, have one night a week that is yours and just go to Barnes and Noble and read magazines and have a pastry and cofee and relax. Whatever it takes for you to find yourself again. Once you find that inner peace, you can spend some energy figuring out your marriage, but it seems to me that you need time for YOU first (or perhaps I am just projecting my personal feeling onto your situation?). Also, my parents fought loudly and angrily and "stayed together for the kids". In the long run we would all have been happier and they each would have found their potential if they had split up. Counseling is a great idea, so give it some time. Consider yourself hugged.

I've been married almost sixteen years (second time). The grass is not always greener, and happiness does not come from whether you have continous madly in love sex. It comes from daily liking yourself and enjoying you and then you can see what it is that disturbs you about him. I seriously had to leave my first husband because of some particular mental illness he possesses, however, I wish everyday that that hadn't happened. I really love my husband now, but be sure before you think of a way out, talk to him, really talk to him. If he doesn't appreciate your hard work, tell him that, if he smells and won't shower, tell him that. Talk, talk, talk. I do that with my second husband and I think that is why I feel successfully married for a long time. The guilt trips we have are ours. We feel the guilt. A comment from someone else but we own it. You want your haircut? Get it and tell his voice and YOUR OWN to get out. If someone else is out there and paid you a compliment, and he looks hot, think very seriously before you hate being in bed with your own husband. They too can become the smelly, critical rodent you don't want to be with. I get disgusted about having sex with my husband sometimes, because I want to feel romantic and he wants sex pretty simple and clear. But I find if I quit trying to be controlling back...it can be wonderful. I wish you luck. He doesn't sound like a deliberately mean person, he just sounds like he needs to be aware more.
I think you need more time for yourself period, to cherish you and the things you like and love before you can spend a lot of time with him or anyone. Get to know you first and you may celebrate your marriage.

This kind of situation boggles my mind. I've been married for five years (we have two kids both under age three), and I still feel like there's still so much to learn about my husband (and myself). A marriage is a constantly changing circumstance—especially when children are involved. Things are different every single year. Things can be better. Things can be harder. Most importantly: things change, and that helps me to keep my cool when I feel myself being swallowed into motherhood. It's not always going to be just like this.

Maybe you feel that he's not helpful or supportive? If that's the case, maybe you guys should have a legitimate series of conversations. Or, go to counseling together.

My sister-in-law divorced her husband after only two years of marriage nearly two years ago, and what marked me the most about the whole thing (among lots of other horribly awful things she said and did) was that he was completely blind-sided. He had no idea she was disgusted by him. Now, he's a sad, broken guy trying to figure out his whole life all over again because he spent a good portion of his life living in deception.

Even if you don't think you love your husband, do him a favor: talk to him. You stood up in front of a bunch of people and God and promised to love him until you die. You owe him some communication. You might even be surprised at how much he'll try.

At the very least, it might change things up a little, and I think that's what you want.

honey you dont need shrink, you need a vacation. if he guilts you every time you want even a few minutes to yourself, stop and ask yourself why ?
having a child affects the way a man sees you, especially if he was the one who delivered your baby. he needs to step up to the plate and take some responsibility for the kids he brought into the world to begin with.but you need to have the backbone to say, i need a haircut, dinner and everything for the kids is in the fridge. call me if there is an emergency, i will see you in about an hour. then grab your keys, kiss your kids, and walk out the door.
K. h.

I haven't gone through that but I do know others that have had some similarities and they attended couples counseling. If the two of you work together and communicate I hope things get better. Sometimes if your in a session the counselor or mediator can help the communication along. Hope things get better!

Hi, I have been married 20ty years and this is my second marriage. It is work and things do change its not all wine and roses, but you have to let the other person know how you are feeling.I would have to write a book to explain all of our ups and downs and how we got through them. If you really think about it life is like a rollercoaster with all the ups, downs, curves and that goes for all relationships, parents, siblings, friends, marriage. If you can go to counseling a third party who is not involved emotionally is really good, but sometimes you can also get the wrong counselor, so if you try it and have a gut feeling this person can't help try someone else. I hope it works out for you divorce is not easy! Also just to let you know there were times I didn't want my husband near me or touch me and mostly it was due to a argument. So good luck! Take care A.

I'm sorry your going through this, it's tough being married to someone and feeling this way. I can relate to what you've written on many levels. My hubby & I have faced MANY challenging times in our 4 years of marriage. Birth of our daughter, losing both his parents in the past 2 years, juggling 2 homes, becoming a SAHM after having a full-time career outside of the home, and still more. Ugh! It's been a rough time of it since we married, and there are MANY times we both just pass out on the couch at night with sex put on the back burner. What we have begun doing is talking... REALLY talking each night. We discuss (1) positive for the day & (1) negative for the day, each night after our little one goes to sleep. We agreed it can't go into an argument, discussion only. You would be surprised how well this works! We don't keep anything bottled up inside us anymore, everything is talked about. Also, you NEED time to yourself without any guilt. Hubby & I take ONE full day a month to ourselves, whatever we want to do. This helps tremendously. Weekly, a couple hours to ourselves. Look back at your wedding pic's once in awhile & remember how much you loved him. Find little ways to bring that back. Maybe you used to make a visit to Victoria's Secret once in awhile, do it again & surprise him! Maybe alot of this is that there is animosity between you? Talking together will help that. I think people give up too quickly on marriages, they expect it to be the way it was when they dated, unfortunately, life changes that. You can still have a great relationship, it takes work & the pay off of having someone the rest of your life that loves you unconditionally, is well worth it!! Good luck to you, I hope things work out.

Your children will be happy if you are happy! Your children will feel the disconnect in the home and the overall unhappiness. It will affect them in the long run. Sometimes....leaving an unhealthly situation is the best thing for your spirit. You should be able to go and get your hair cut and not feel guilty! Please!! Men who are controlling/critical do not typically change. Good Luck and remember you are important and can be happy.... it is all in your control.

I do not know what your religious stand point is, but I was given a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'martin, and I would suggest checking it out. I am not a big advocate of self help books and such, and this book laid around my house for a VERY long time before I picked it up. I have to say though, it makes you realize that the situation you are in isn't as unusual as it seems. And it may give you some insight on what the core of the problem is. Marriages are hard, so are divorces, and new relationships with other people and having your children invovled. Good luck to you!!

First off - Men who are controlling/critical can easily be defined as an abuser, not phsycial, but mental.

I'd bet you do most of everthing in the house and as far as taking care of your children. So, in his life, not much as changed, well, of course except for the fact that he feels he's no longer the center of your life and he doesn't understand why. Because of this, most men who don't pull their own weight feel as tho things have changed for the worse (and they have - he's not helping... so of coure you wont be as interested in him as you were prior to taking on all the additional responsbility).

Please don't let him guilt you into staying home. He has to pony up and take on some responsibilty and allow you some freedom to recharge.