Seeking Help from Mom's with Two Kids

I have three children. My older girls are 9 and 3. My older daughter has friends over regularly (especially right now with it being summer) and I had a similar issue with my 3 year old. She felt very excluded when big sister had friends over. So, what I did (and so far it's working very well) is to have specially activities for her that she only gets to do when her sister has friends over. She's so excited about getting to do her special thing (and it really could be anything as long as it's a novelty) that she hardly notices she's been left out of whatever her sister is doing. It's also a good chance for us to have one-on-one time together. Good luck! I hope you get some good suggestions!

I have the exact same problem. My three year old son desperately wants to play with his his sister(7 y.o.) and her friends. What I have been doing is setting him up with something that they can all do together (painting, bubbles, blocks, playdough, chalk, etc) and letting the girls go and play. It seems as if the girls get to the point that they want to play the same thing he is playing. I get one-on-one time with my boy for a bit, the girls get their own time, and there is a nice transition to together play.

I think that you should make two play dates at the same time--one for your daughter and one for your son. They should not be in the same house.

Your daughter's brain, emotional intelligence is growing up and your son's is not in the same place. You should not expect your daughter to include your son in her play dates. She can probably put up with him one on one, but not in a group.

So set up the different play groups. Good luck. W.

I agree with Wenda's explanation for why your daughter should be able to play with her friends without including her little brother. Your daughter and son are at different development places. Your daughter is ready and needs to learn how to play with friends her own age. If little brother tags along the friendship issue becomes more focused on their relationship with him. He can't do the same things they can causing their activities to be dumbed down. There will always be conflict because of their differences in ages and needs.

Aren't there other things that you let your daughter do because she is older that you don't let your son do? This is the same thing. We increase the amount of responsibility gradually as the child grows. Your daughter's tasks are to learn how to form relationships with same age kids. It is also to learn how to continue to grow in her relationship with brother. These are two different tasks. A part of her task is to balance her relationships. She can't do that with little brother hanging around. Little brothers really can be pests. I had 3 younger brothers.

When you insist that she always be with her brother she will be increasingly less able to play with him even when friends aren't around. She is no doubt already angry with you and with him. Our goal in parenting is to teach children how to get along in this world. As your daughter gets older, she may feel that she has to please; that she isn't able to decisions for herself about who she wants to have around her.

By letting her choose her activities with her friends she will become more adept at friendships. She will also feel less anger at her brother and be able to play with him other times. I suggest that if she has the choice she may choose to involve him some of the time. When the two girls are playing games appropriate only for someone with more mature social skills a little brother is unwanted. They would have to change their play to fit him in. Other times, such as bubble blowing, painting, hide-n-seek they can all play. Both of them need times separate from each other so that they can practice the activities that help them mature at the age they are currently in.

To me it seems slightly unfair for your daughter to have to include her little brother in her friendship. By forcing her to have her little brother tag along, all she is going to do is foster bad feelings about him. Your daughter is growing up and needs her space apart from her sibling.

You need to find a play mate for your son also. It is very hard whenever there is a 3rds wheel especially if it is the opposite sex. I have 8 kids and When my 8 yr old duaghter has her friend over I have to find a friend for my 5 yr old daughter to play with. IT is not fair for your daughter to always have to play with her brother. She sometimes needs a break too.

A.
mom of 8
15, 12, 11, 10, 8, 5, 4, 2

I have this same issue. I have my son invite a friend over at the same time, so they each have a play date. They tend to keep more to themsleves that way.

I think that a seven year old and a four year old are SO incredibly far apart on the developmental scale that it is neither fair nor reasonable to expect your daughter to play with her little brother. I'd recommend that your son lose privileges when he hits or acts out. I'd also recommend that your daughter lose privileges if you catch her teasing or tormenting her brother. Let both of them know what kind of behavior you expect. Maybe you can set your son up with a painting project or something at your kitchen table when he starts feeling left out. And I think it would be fabulous if you could schedule some play dates/try to find children your son's age for your son to play with.

I am also a stay-at-home mother of two kids, one girl 7 years old and one boy almost 3. We made the understanding a long time ago that if my son wants to play with her and her friends that she MUST include him, otherwise friends have to go home. This may seem a little harsh but now she does understand. I've told her that her brother is always more important than her friends and he is the one that will be by her side through everything she goes through. We all know blood is thicker than water. Her friends will not always be there and when she is bored and has no one else to play with he will be there. I also am prepared to have my son watch a movie or help me out around the house, which he loves to do, so that she can have some free time with her friends. So, it's not always that brother has to be playing with them. I also let her friends know that brother will be playing along and to include him. They seem to understand this too, especially when an adult explains it to them. So far it seems to be working out fine. Today the girls got on dress-ups and my son was crying because the dress-ups were all too big for him. I found a costume from Halloween that was my daughter's when she was four. Guess what he's dressed in today? A PINK POWER RANGER outfit that fits him just fine! Thought I'd humor you. Take care and make sure your daughter understands the most importance thing to her = family.

Hi M.,

I have a 7 y.o. daughter and a 3 y.o. son, so I know what you mean. Here is what we do. When my daughter has a play date, we redirect our sons attentions else where and spend some one-on-one time with him (something he doesn't get often with an older sibling). Some of her friends like having him play with them and she doesn't mind, but the minute the arguments start, we step in a wisk him away.

The same goes the other way too. When my son has a playdate, we are constantly telling our daughter to find something else to do otherwise she takes over and plays with his friends leaving him out of the picture.

So far it's working and we feel that they need to develop their own friends and learn to play by themselves.

Hope this helps.
T.

Hi! I have a 7 year old daughter and a 3.5 year old son! The only difference is my son doesn't get angry, he cries and cries 8( I try to have art projects that they can all do together, yet still at their own level(make jewelery, decorate shirts, paint rocks, make playdough, ect.), any type of water play(sprinklers,balloons,pool,ect.)relay races, ect. When the girls want to be alone, they can play in my daughter's room, and I try to give my son one-on-one fun mom time to keep his mind off of it. It's not always effective, but most of the time things go smoothly! I hope this helps-good luck!----Jen

M.,

my kids are 4 1/2 boy and 16 month girl, but I'll be there soon enough. The way I see it your daughter and her friend only want to play with each other without Pesky Little Brother interrupting. Isn't this also the age where they all think the opposite sex has cooties? You could talk with your daughter about how angry it makes her little brother when she and her friends tease him. Also talk with him about how his sister wants time to play with her friends that doesn't include him.

Are there neighborhood kids around his age? Maybe your daughter's friends could bring their younger siblings along so he has someone to play with as well.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

It is tricky, isn't it?? your two children each have a reasonable need - and the needs conflict. Here's one possible position you could take:

'daugher' -- you and your friends can play together in your room or the backyard ( make up the details for YOUR situation). There is a rule for you and your friends::: ''no playing keepaway unless you are in your room''. It's mean to tell a little boy ''' we're going to make fun of you- and run away from you'' If you want to play that game - you can only do it inside your room''. Or whatever -. Depending on their willingness to abide by your rules- you might even say ' ''' oh, sorry- you didn't follow our rule- your friend must go home'' It wouldn't take much of that consequence before they followed the rule -. I am not addressing the little boys' response - you sound like a Mom who can deal with that NO sweat - it's their teasing that is driving him bonkers - and you are so right- the little girls need some space to be little girls -

blessings
( had 3 children - now grown - girl, 5 years - boy --- six years - girl --- and am now helping to raise two grandchildren- boy--- 6 years - girl --- so know the problem)

Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.

I'd start with teaching your daughter not to taunt him. He doesn't have to play with the girls, but I would imagine that they are trying to get him frustrated for their own enjoyment. Maybe there are some things yoru son could do outside by himself, so he can be where the girls are, but doing his own thing? Good Luck to you!

Are there any kids you could have over that are your son's age? I have 3 kids 11,8 and 2. We try to have different friends over regularly so that all of them have friends to play with.

We also look for activities that will involve all age groups, which can be hard, but there are some.

Also anytime we see them all playing together we praise it and sometimes it just helps to start some really fun activity with the child who does not have anyone over, then the one who does wants to join the one who does not.

Don't know if that helps, hope it will.

If your son has a friend, invite him over at the same time that your daughter has friends over. Then, they each have someone to play with at the same time

I would suggest having a special activity for you son while the girls are playing. This will allow them thier own time together, while keeping your son busy. He will not feel left out since he gets one-on-one time with you. I would also let your daughter know that being mean to her brother is not OK and that if the behavior continues, she might not be allowed to have friends over.

A four year old boy has very little in common with a 7 year old girl. This is a problem that I can identify with because I have a nine year old girl and a three and a half year old girl. They are both girls but on a much different developmental level. We are also homeschoolers so my daughters natually spend alot of time together. I would talk to my 7 year old daughter and tell her how her brother feels and tell her when it is OK to exclude him and when she should include him. Playing keep away from him is NEVER acceptable.

I let my older daughter play games with her friends in her room with the door closed while I entertain the little one. I also let the little one know when it is her sister's time but I would not allow the girls to exclude little one outside while playing. If it still became a problem, I would tell the older girl that her privileges of having a sleep over or playdate would be suspended, a natural consequence.

H.

This may sound silly but YOU (MOM) watch the cartoon Max and Ruby on Nogin whenever you get a chance. The sister bunny Ruby does a great job of enjoying her little girlfriends but also making sure her little brother Max is taken care of and happy at the same time. You may be able to figure out some ways to talk to your daughter on how to include him or make sure he's having fun too.

maybe you could find a playmate for your son. I have a older daughter and younger son and he too wants to play when she has friends over. I usually give her sometime with just her friends than the second half let him play with them. that usually works. Not always easy but If your son has a buddy that nice to-so they both have a friend. anyways good luck.

M., I have 5 children and have delt with this problem many times. Our number one rule in our house is "Family comes First" I tell my children that friends will come and go throughout their life but they will always be family and that should be their priority. If they side with a friend against their brother or sister that is totally not acceptable and they are then not allowed to play with that friend. that being said, I have on many occasions had to explain to both the older and the younger children that everyone is allowed their own friends. Sometimes you need to let the younger sibling tag along. But there are also times that the older sibling is allowed more privelages because they are older and do not have to let the younger one tag along all the time. We have had situations where my older son will go accross the street to play with his friend on their trampoline. Sometimes my younger sons are invited but there are times when he wants to just be with his friend and I tell my younger ones that it is his time to be with his friend and he will play with you younger ones later. It works most of the time but it is just one of those things that you will deal with with kids. Good luck, J. SAHM of 4 boys, 1 girl 12,9,6,3 yr old boy/girl twins

I just had to respond because I remember this issue well with my first two children. They are 2 1/2 years apart and went through the exact same thing at that age except that my son would just be really sad and come to me crying. I made my daughter and her friends include him for the most of the visit and then I would always do something separately with him so they would have some "alone time" during the play-date. I just always felt that it was important that the girls understand how left-out he felt and that they learn compassion and include him. All of her friends, with maybe one exception, understood this rule and the three of them would play very well together. I would also often invite one of his friends over at the same time, so it would not be an issue. They are now 17 and 14 and have some fun memories of those play-dates.

Hi M.,

I have had to deal with this before! I tell my daughter and son that they can all play together for 30 minutes nicely and cooperatively then after that the girls can have their own personal time and its time for the girls to be private. And set a timer! Kids are great with exact time. And just be consistant. Hope the situation gets better for you!

S. @ Hair Lounge

I have an 8 year old girl and a 4 year old girl. When my oldest has friends over I tell her that they can play for an hour alone, but then have to play with her sister to for an hour. It is only fair.

D.