Need Advice About Siblings and Friends

Hi K.,

my girls are 7 and 3 1/2. I know exactly what you are going through. We have started a rule that my oldest has to include the youngest for the first part of the play date. We usually set a time of say 30 minutes or so. They have to include and let her play. Then when the time is up, I usually have a DVD or a game, something special for me and the younger one to do. Its explained to everyone at the beginning and usually works well. I am not going to say my youngest doesn't complain a little, but it does help.

I would try arranging a playdate for the younger one too. I am the youngest of five kids, and can clearly remember being excluded from my sister and her friends at a very young age. I enjoyed having my own friends over at the same time, that way we could each go off with our friends and do our own thing. There were almost 4 years between me and my closest sibling and for the most part of growing up until the teenage years, we were not into the same things. I only had a couple of close friend at 3, but my mom did try to arrange something special for me to do when my sister had company. If it wasn't possible, she tried her hardest to keep me occupied for at least part of the playdate. My mom had little tolerance for my sister treating me badly, and she even would send the friend home early if they were being mean to me. Some of it is really subtle, so try to keep a close eye on it. My sister wasn't particularly mean, but she had a couple of friends that were. You will find that the problem will be worse with certain friends. Be very clear in your expectations to the older ones at the start of the playdate such as what won't be tolerated. We shared a room (again 5 kids) so they didn't really have a place to go to be alone so they couldn't exactly shut me out of my own room, although they did try a few times. Sometimes the problem was me (the younger one) intentionally provoking them, so it goes both ways, so you shouldn't always blame the older kid unless you know exactly what happened. My mom was guilty of that, she didn't find out until years later that I was doing things to provoke them so my sister would get in trouble and her friend sent home. If your younger one still naps, maybe schedule playdates to start during naptime, so the older ones have some time to play alone before the younger one gets up. Also, try to keep playdates short so that your youngest isn't feeling excluded all day.

Big difference between 7 and 3. The 7 year old is getting to the very social part of her life and yes, it is cute to them to torment the younger sister. All you can do is ask that the older one include, but I can assure you that she and her friends do not want the younger "bratty" sister tagging along.
Set up play dates for the younger one. Do something special with the younger one... bake cookies... puffy paint t-shirts... something that SHE likes to do so that she's not trying to get in to the bedroom. if she is distracted then she won't want to play with the older sister.

Yes, it's normal -- my heart still breaks when I remember my sweet three year old daughter trying to follow her older brother and his friends into the bushes saying, "guys, guys, wait for me guys!" and of course they completely ignored her and ran away from her.

But your older child has a right to not have a tag-a-long, and she deserves to have her friends over, so try and get some playdates for your youngster.

And by the way, having an older sibling really TOUGHENS THEM UP!!!

This is normal behavior (especially for girls) but, I would tell my daughter (and her friends) that if the little sister can't play too, then they will not be able to come over for awhile and stick to it. They will get the picture and if they don't, then wait a while (telling your daughter and she will tell her friends) no a few times when they ask to come over again. Then, when you feel you are ready to give it another shot, let them know you will let them come over again but, it must include little sister, they should've learned their lesson by knowing you were serious by not letting them come over for a while and I bet little sister will be playing next time for sure! Good luck w/ this one! C. R

I too have a 7 year old and a 3 year old. If I let it go on, then my daughter and friend would shut the door and be by themselves. I totally get that they want to play by themselves, but in the arena of general politeness...I don't like it and don't allow it. I always have to remind the older one before the friend gets there that the younger one wants to play too and make sure she includes her. And then again when the friend arrives I remind everyone the rules...nobody gets excluded and doors stay open.

When the younger one isn't shut out, I find that she'll play a little with them, but then decides to go do her own thing sometimes too. Also the older ones figure out something to play with all three. Last week they were food servers and needed somebody to serve to...enter willing 3 year old and the play was all very nice!

I also make an effort to find something for the little one to do so the older girls really can get a few minutes to play w/out the drama of physically removing or excluding anyone. I'll include the 3 year old in some baking or letting her watch a little Super Why or do art or something.

I feel your pain. In my opinion, I don't like anyone learning to exclude...in life it's just not a nice to thing to do and it doesn't feel very good for the one being excluded. But it's totally normal for this to be happening. Trust me...I'm one of 3 and it was no different when I was growing up!

Good luck!

I have 2 girls myself. And I had a sister 4 years younger myself. The reality of the situation is 7 is a huge difference from 3! What my parents did, which I know use, is to keep the age difference a reality. I let the older one stay up longer, but she has chores while the younger one doesn't. With privilege comes responsibility. But this way they are never in competition. They each have their own individual benefits. As far as this "friends over thing." I would give the younger one something special to do at those times. Time alone with mom is always special when you have siblings. You can have a special tea party with snacks for you and her only. Or you can do an art project. Also, you can take her somewhere special, just her and you alone on another day. Explain to both of them together that 7 year olds get to have friends over. But 3 year olds get special outings with mom to make up for it. Explain that if the 3 year old can let her sis have her privacy you will take her somewhere special. That way the 7 year old will be up for the idea and can't get mad when the time comes for you to take the younger one. My girls used to be very competitive until I started doing this. Ironically enough the older one is very protective of her little sis and the younger one just looks up to the older one. I think we owe it to our children to make them feel special in their own unique ways separate from their siblings.

K.,

I would schedule a play date for your three year old. See if the other mom wants to trade off. Give her extra attention so she doesn't notice as much what the big kids are doing.

Molly

My children are 5 and 7 a girl and boy and we too have the same problem and then it differs a bit too! All of a sudden my daughters friends are more interested in playing with her brother than they are with her! (I didn't think I would have this probelm til they were at least close to their teens!!) I usually have all the children play together for a while then I pull out which ever one doesn't have the friend and try to give them something special to do. I have also resorted to trying to have one go to my parents to to another friends house when the sibling is having company. SOmetimes my friends and I trade off, they will take the older ones and I will keep the younger ones or visa versa! (most of the people I have met have kid around the same ages as mine) GOOD LUCK!!!