Seeking Help on Relationship Issues

I think you should go to counseling and see if you can work out some of the issues. I would not stay around if there's no communication but I believe in counseling and I think there's potential there to see if it's workable. There are programs out there for free or very inexpensive counseling, you just have to research it. My parents went through it and I think they paid $10 per session through a special program. Good luck.

Hi KQ,

Here's the short of what I think - we only have one point of view to advise on, yours and while it takes two, it seems as though your man has no real passion for participating in the relationship 100% of the time. You've been together 14 years which I think is AMPLE time to work things out. If only one participant is willing to really make a go at this, then your decision has been made. There are many marriage counseling organizations (Catholic Charities and a few Jewish Community Partners) that have licensed, reputable therapists available to you on a sliding scale for payment, often times for free.

A relationship takes Love, Trust, Respect and Communication, you can't get to the other gritty stuff unless those 4 exist.

I hope this helps you with your decision, best of the worlds luck to you!

do you want your children to be raised by a pathological liar? what will he teach them?
do you want to grow old with him?
can you rely on him forever?

ask yourself these questions...
you can go to therapy/counseling without insurance- find a place that has what is called a sliding scale fee- they work with you so that you only pay what you can afford...one great place is Catholic Charities another is
Jewish Federation
you can be from any faith to call either place

Hello K.O
It is very hard when you have a relationship that is not loving when you have children involved. Although, the fact that you fell you still love him is a good thing and makes me believe you should continue to try and work on the relationship.
I don't know your beliefs, but prayer changes everything!

I do think you need counseling and would recommend going to a Christian church that will give you free marital counseling. I would recommend First Baptist Church of Pompano or a Calvary Chapel Church.

If you seek God where you're at, He will come and comfort and give wisdom and heal.

As for what your children are seeing, I think they should see their mom and dad doing everything in their power to make the marriage work, however do not fight in front of them or expose them to unnecessary situations.

I pray that you will be able to have your heart healed
and your marriage restored. God Bless you

Sorry this is so long. I love this site. Boy that sounds awful. I am sorry to hear that you are going through that. I am going through a divorce now so I understand the pressure you are feeling with this decision. I am just writing to say I am here and the advice everyone is giving me is that You will make the best decision for your family and yourself. You are only able to make the best decision you can at the moment. Also if you have some close friends and relatives that you trust you could ask for their input and listen to it with an open mind. People who know you and him. I know everyone is happy for me even though a family splitting is sad, it was better for the health and well being of me and my son and I also beleive better for my soon to be ex husband. You did say he is a chronic or cumpulsive liar, not sure exactly of the word but I just want to ask will you be able to handle that again. Is the evidence of change? or can you take it the way it was. Also as far as counseling goes the one I found really helpful for me and my spouse if he had attended was PAIRS counseling/classes they are offorded by livethelife.org you can check out the website and see what you think. The also have "scholarships" or vouchers you can ask for and about. I signed up for free. I think the charge is only 25 dollars anyway but for that price you get three classes with other couples and coaching if you desire it as a couple. GOd bless you and good luck making a choice. I would definately have counseling before any marriage plans. also they have smart start which is premarital counseling and same 25 dollars and fun for both of you as you continue to learn to communicate.

You've already got this one figured out. It's time to move on.
Seek the assistance of family, friends, church, community services, and get into counseling for yourself. If he wants to go, then fine. A loveless marriage is never going to endure the test of time. Been there.
Many blessings to you ...

Seems to me like you're mind is already made up you just want someone to tell you that it is okay to go through with it. It's okay! You didn't state any reasons of why you should stay but named some pretty good ones of why you shouldn't. I'm a firm believer of just because you love someone and maybe end up having kids with that same someone, doesn't necessasarily mean you should be together. The kids definitely should not be the reason you stay. Ultimately you were be hurting them by showing them that staying in an unhealthy relationship is alright. Good luck to you.

RUN don't walk RUN from this relationship. There is happiness out there. Go and find it. Don't waste any more of your life or your kids lives going back and forth.

Be healthy and strong for you and the kids. Healthy physically and mentally. Good luck!!!

K Q

I agree with the other two posts. You definitely want some type of counseling here. Depending on the issues you and your ex have it may not be worth the heartache or giving it another try. With there being children involved it is such a difficult decision to make. You really have to be very cautious in this area. Be very careful in your decision.

Good luck.

S.

Hi K.O.

I have a lot more questions for you than I have answers. Most of them require you to dig deep into your heart and ask yourself how this man makes you "feel" - not if you feel you are in love with him. That is your head talking. Our heads often fill us with thoughts of how we are supposed to feel, but don't really feel. For ex, religions and society tell us that we are not supposed to get divorced - that it is "wrong". However, it is more "wrong" to not respect yourself enough to ask to be treated with respect by another person, especially one that is supposed to be our "better half", one that supports us in everything we do, makes us feel better about ourselves, lifts us up when we are down, and doesn't blame us for their mistakes. You know what mistakes you have made. We all make them. We need to forgive ourselves for those mistakes, as well as (past or present) significant others. However, forgiveness does not mean staying in an emotionally unhealthy situation because our mind is fooling us to believing that we're in love or because society tells us that divorce is wrong.

If I was in your shoes, I'd dig deep within my heart to ask me why I prefer to sleep on the couch instead of with my lover/husband/friend and be in a relationship without communication. I'd ask myself if this is the kind of relationship I'd want my kids to have. If not, why am I accepting it? If I do want it, why? Are my emotional needs being met??

Hope this helps! Good luck!
My prayers are with you.

J. the Stepfamily Coach

I'm so very sorry for you and your kids to have to go through this. As for your question about what to do, I think you have answered your own question already. As much as I am for a family staying together, what you have with his is not family, nor is it healthy. Drop the loser. The fact that you love him so is not enough - he has demonstrated that it is not what he wants.....you need to move on for the sake of yourself and your kids. Best of luck.

Doesn't sound like there's a lot of marriage material there. The on and off thing only creates instability for the children, who are ultimately the most hurt. Do it for them as well as for yourself, get on with your life and let THE LOOSER out of it.

So one of the issues that I see is that you need to look at who does he remind you of in your life, you need to look at your parents first. Because the issues you have with him are the issues with someone in your past that you do not have peace with and it is effecting this relationship and maybe the next one.

Hello K Q

It sound like your husband is a player and is not seriously commit in family same as my ex husband same thing I did love him so much but he hurt my feelings and marriage. it can cause kids confused what kind of relationships you and their dad have been though. it was not healthy relationship. it can effect them in future relationship when they will be older and involve with someone simply same as yours.

I did let it go. I did not want to keep cycle a problem like that. Just move on. right now I am happy on my new life and new man for 2 years. my kids adjusted very well.

Life is not easy and keep move on what the best for you and ur kids, avoid being stuck and not move on and unhappy life and unhealthy relationship. I admitted that my ex husband did make my life waste of time we have been married for 5 years. my ex husband is also a pathological liar, it hurt our marriage and family which is not worth it. it really waste of time then it is time to move on.
Good Luck

I have not been through this personally but can tell you about a friend...
She and her husband had "issues" they couldn't resolve so they ended in divorse. They stayed "friends" because they basically had to see eachother often because of the kids anyway, so they started off just being civil to eachother, then were able to become friends, then sort of started dating. She said the nicest part was any time he started to argue with her, she could just hang up the phone and deal with it later since they didn't live together anymore. So she sort of had the best of every world-- she was sort of dating him but was not tied down to him and all of his issues (like you said, he is a liar and every person has issues so I'm sure you do and say things that drive him crazy, too-- which is why it ended in divorse- you both couldn't get past eachothers issues).... anyway... she sort of dated him when it was convenient for both of them, but since she was no longer married, she was open to dating other men, too-- so she has dated other men. Doing so could do one of 2 things... it can help you to realize there are men out there who will treat you better than he did and therefore you will be able to let go of him and move on... or it will show you that there are a bunch of jerks out there with much bigger issues and you really do have the best thing possible if you go back to him. No one who doesn't know you should be giving you advice on whether or not you should go back to him and try to make the relationship work-- it's only you who can make that decision, and people who actually know you who should be giving you solid advice as to whether being with him is toxic or worth working on. In general, though, it seems silly to have to get legally married and legally divorsed over and over again. "Working it out" does not mean you have to be one or the other. You can "date" and live either together or apart without having to keep going through the legal system.

What's the questions here? Marriage is suppose to be between two people who love and respect each other and, frankly, it shouldn't be that much work. You probably never should have gotten married the first time. If it takes 7-8 years to decide to get married, there is something VERY wrong and I would run, not walk, away from this situation. It sounds to me like you are in co=dependence with this man, not love. Get yourself some private therapy and move one. Tell him to do the same and have enough real love for your children not to destroy their little spirits. Good luck.

The information you gave is very general.. so no one can give you the answer you seek. Sounds like you left him, initially. Why? You had second thoughts and think you made a mistake...? He wanted to get back together and remarry, but things aren't perfect so he's unwilling... ?

Sounds to me like you both need some counseling to figure out what you need. You must have had some reasons for the original divorce... have those issues been resolved? You left him (or so your post implies), has he worked through the rejection/anger issues from you leaving? Have you?

You have two children together and have provided no reasons that you couldn't work things out with counseling... So I say, get into counseling before you throw in the towel. Every time you get back together and then split up again, it is traumatizing those two sweet little angels who need stability in their home life. Don't disrupt their whole world all over again without some counseling.

You deserve better! You deserve LOVE. and so do you babies.. Love your self enough not to put up with him and His needs. Take care of you and your angels, They will be better off, also you do not want them to grow up thinking that this is what a normal relationship is and have them settle for less than they deserve when they grow up. He seems to crave the "control". Go on and be happy. This is not what love feels like. Love certainly would not have you on the couch for 14 years!!

My advice is to leave this guy and get on with your life, you only get one life so start enjoying it with someone who truly loves and appreciates you.. Life is to short to waste your time with people who continue to hurt you...

I wish you all the best, I know it will be hard but you sound like a decent person and I know there is someone great out there for you...

People make mistakes, nobody is perfect. Take it slow and go with the flow. Weigh the pros and the cons of remarrying. If the pros outweigh the cons, remarry, better to have a marriage than a divorce...if the cons outweigh the pros, stay divorced, no sense dragging your kids thru this roller coaster. Their dad will always be their dad, whether married or not, but you both should make a commitment to enhancing communication before you get back fully together. Those things are usually the biggest things in breakups because adults tend to be set in their ways and stubborn. If both are willing or yourself to understand why he may lie (could he be afraid of you and your responses), then figure out how to resolve that. Good luck

Hello, I read your story and felt that i should speak up. I understand that this may be a very difficult time for you and that you have been dealing with this for quite some time now. I must say that it is not fair for you and definitely not fair for your two little angels. I was always taught from a very young age that you are better off by yourself than with bad company. I'm not saying that he is "Bad Company" but he's just not 100% there in your relationship. The biggest part of a relationship is communication. The relationship survives when there is communication. In my opinion, it's not worth getting back together or even trying to get back together. You seem like a very strong person to be dealing with this for the amount of time that you have. As a woman, you are better off focusing on your children than on him. Think of it this way... It's like trying to put a puzzle together but you are trying to make the pieces fit when they won't. Stop trying and just move on. I know that it's easier said than done but there is probably someone much better out there for you and you may not even know it. I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for you.

KQ,
I agree with one of the responses that referred to issues in the past. There are issues,hurts and pains here in both of you in your respective past and you need to realize that it has nothing to do with the respective other person even. The only thing that will help you guys individually and as a couple is to find God. God is the only one who can heal your issues in this regard, and as soon as you find him and put him first in your life he can start the healing process in you individually and in you as a couple. I have been going through a tremendous healing process in my life over the past couple years and he is in the process of rebuilding a relationship in my life. After trying many avenues to get there, God brought me down to the feet of Jesus and that is the only way. It has been an amazing journey. You owe this especially to your children. God is calling you through this. I agree that counseling is needed here, but it has to have Christ at its center or it won't work. Let me know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to share my testimony.

Blessings!

Stay Friends with your ex for the sake of the children but both of you need to find your own lives. Marriage is work but not as hard as you seem to have it. Take time to find yourself and know what you want don't give in to loniness.

Seems like you answered your own question. Seems to me like you need to move on, and work on you and on finding someone more like yourself in the future, and pray that your ex will be a descent father to your kids. At the very least, maybe sometime in the future, there will be someone even better for them than he is to help you and be there for your kids. And you. It's OK to deserve more and better.

Blessings,
V.

It seems you both love each other but the key issue has not been discovered or dealt with. I agree with you that you don't want to hurt your children anymore.

If you didn't really commit to counseling the first time - the only way for it to work the 2nd time is to commit without fail. Have you tried getting counseled by a pastor. I go to Metro Church in Winter Springs and they have great ministers that can counsel you.

Why the non communication? Has he stopped calling you?
Finally you need to decide what it is that you want. I have a book by Steve Harvey called " Act like a Lady Think like a Man". i can send it to you by e-book.

Feel free to call me as I went through a divorce too.

A. ###-###-####

Hi K Q - from MY past experiences if the issues that tore you apart the first time are STILL THERE then nothing has changed. DO NOT subject your children to more grief please.

Put your children's best interests FIRST, then yours, let him be him with someone else. It is time to move on to Bigger & Better things. Be brave now instead of in pain later. A new life is waiting for you if you want it.

That is just how I see it Momma.

M. F

K O,
If you re-read your request, I think that you will find that you have answered many of your own questions and anxieties about what to do. Your strongest statement there is that you know that it is a decision only you can make. You are not married to him, but it seems like he is making you wear the uncomfortable shoes of grief day in and day out. It's your feet that is hurting, take those damn shoes off, build a fire and burn them now. Go and by some sexy red shoes and get a pedicure. I know that sounds parable- istic, it only means that this relationship is missing a lot of healthy ingredients and by continuing to accept what he serves, you are ending up with his sickness. The contagen here is that your children are going to be infected.

This man sounds immature and incapable of giving you the love that a good, strong, loving man can give to you. He obviously has deep mental problems and personal issues, liars hurt people with the same tongue they give pleasure with. There is too much confusion there to know if there is love or getting used to the situation so you just continue to play along. This is taking your self esteem and your self-worth from you. Set a high price for yourself today and in bold print write, NON NEGOTIABLE in parenthesis in a neon color.

ARE YOU A GLUTTON FOR PUNISHMENT OR DO YOUR REALLY THINK YOU CANNOT DO BETTER THAN HIM?? GIRL, MAKE UP A LIST, GO OUT AND FIND YOURSELF A NEW PLAYMATE.

Life is too short I fear for you to do this another 14 years and have no love. If you really sit back and look at it, you must be very lonely in this relationship all by yourself. You must change your way of thinking to get anything better. IF GOOD SEX IS KEEPING YOU THERE JUST REMEMBER, ALL MEN ARE TRAINABLE! THERE IS SOME MAN, SOMEWHERE WILLING AND READY TO PLEASE AND LOVE YOU, HE IS JUST WAITING FOR YOU TO TELL HIM WHAT TO DO.

STOP TAKING PEANUTS WHEN YOU DESERVE ALMONDS!

YOU CAN FIX YOURSELF, BUT YOU CANNOT FIX HIM, HE HAS TO DO THAT, THESE PAST YEARS OF NOTHING HAS PROVEN THAT TO YOU. BE HONEST AND REALISTIC WHEN YOU THINK IT ALL OVER.

I hope that you can find happiness either there with him changing, which has not happened in 14 years or as you can garner it. Don't keep your children from a joyful childhood, it would be the biggest mistake you will pay for in the future.

Pray without ceasing. God is a mind changer and a heart regulator. Jesus said the only reason we do not have is because we do not ask. Ask Him what you should do and you cannot go wrong as long as you keep him in the equation.

May God bless you.

Jen

KQ,

I went through a very similar situation with my ex years ago. I can only speak on my experience.
It is far better to cut and run now and have your children go through the separation anxiety again now, then have them endure this for their entire childhood. As you know, parents are the first and most important role models for their children, they learn what they see and live.
I would most definately leave now while your children are still young. You and your children deserve to be treated in a manner in which the man in your life shows affection, communicates and partners with you, do not settle for less just because of DNA. He is not a good role model for your children, they are learning their social skills from a man that is void of his own and they see how it effects their Mother, it is not healthy. The shame lies on him not you, you tried, he obviously does not have what it takes to set a healthy and good example for the children. You all deserve better. Being alone for a while is better than being with someone that does not lead the family in a proper fashion. You will be surprised at how strong and capable you are once you are on your own, it is scary at first but over time you see yourself getting the job done and doing it well. You can do it, cut him loose and then you and your children will soar to new and healthy hieghts!
Best of luck,
R.

This is a sticky situation. Divorce is very very hard on children and going through it once is hard enough. I feel like divorce is the very last option after you have spent a lot of time working on issues to make things work unless one person is being abused physically/verbally. If there is something there now that makes you want to re-marry then I'm sure you could have avoided divorce. We all make mistakes but, I would be very careful with you decision whether or not to re-marry or even be together. Young children are very fragile and if you give them some type of hope that mommy and daddy will make it work and it does not happen or if you re-marry and divorce again it can be very detrimental to your children. I would advise you and your ex-husband seeing a counselor and not mentioning any of this to your children until you come to a concrete decision. Hope that helps and you work everything out. : )

You deserve a better life. Don´t go back to what you know does not work. Cut this patological relationship. Be friends and try to open your self to a health relationship with some body that is not a liar etc.....