I have an 11 year old daughter that I love very much. The problem I am having is in the past year, her attitude has changed substantially. She is very whiney, grumpy, disoriented, and attention span is horrible. My mom keeps telling me it is a phase, that she is "pre-teen" and that it will pass. However, I can't keep her focused on her schooling or her sports activities. How can I get her to focus on what is important in live: her homework, grades, and her social activities?
Well I found out part of the problem is she has been having trouble at school. First it was the same two boys picking on her. I have been telling her the reason for their behavior is because they have crushes on her. But then the other day she came home and told me that those two boys had 75% of the class turning on her so at recess she had no one to play with. So I gave it a day and told her that if it happened again, we were setting up a meeting with her teacher (whom she adores) and the principal. So far it hasn't happened again. She goes to a parochial school where there are higher standards for grades and behavior. And we are paying a great deal of money for her education and well-being that she should have to go thru this at her age. The past two days have been better for her and us, but I am staying on my toes, cuz things could change any minute.
Thank you for all your responses, please continue with your wonderful advice.
Can I add that I have a 17 yr old whom still has attitude issues. I thinks it lasts into their 20's, so I'm told by friends anyway! My Mother always says, "and this too shall pass!" I will tell you, that it has seemed to improve after her sophomore year! Good luck and hang on tight for the long haul. Remember, all of us Mothers of teenagers, we're all in the boat together!
Dear L.,
I have been going through the exact same thing for a year now. My daughter will turn 11 on march 8th. About 6 months ago she turned or morphed into a hothead. I love her dearly but it almost seemed like she had been replaced by a completely different person. On Feb 3 of this year she calls me to the bathroom... MOM I STARTED MY PERIOD!!!! I knew 6 months ago that she must be going through a hormonal change and it is very confusing at this age. She was mortiphied! I did have many talks with her on the subject before but all she said to me was... I don't want to grow up! The only advice I can tell you is to try to be more patient, gentil, and reassure her that you love her. It gets really hard when kids start to go through a change... I know that I act the same way when I have my time of the month so I just give her space and a journal to write all of her frusterations down... it helps alot... and once you see her weepy make sure you stop everything and give her a big embrace and tell her you understand. I know it is really hard it seems like they go through a complete 360 turn from one attitude to another and it drains everyone in the home. Talk with her about how to try to write those raw emotions out on paper and to have regular mom and daughter chats about anything going on in her life. Right now they want someone to listen not lecture and sometimes we can't help but lecture them almost to much. make plans to have one on one time. It is very important that she knows that your bond and love is there. hope this helps and take big deep breaths cus boy it is a bumpy ride. Lots of loving support from a fellow mother wanting to pull out her own hair too... ~J.
I too have a "preteen" just turned 12 last month. I hope everyone is right that it will pass. I try to keep myself focused on the fact that she is only 12, althought sometimes wants to be 16 and most of the time acts 2. She's got all these hormones racing through her body and doesn't know how to handle it. She isn;t as focused as I would like her to be however she does make honor roll. Sometimes I think that we as parents are expecting too much from them. The other day she wrote me a note and to sum it up pretty much said she feels like she is the bottom of my list. I explained to her that she couldn't use me as an excuse for her attitude. Her brothers do get more attention then she does because they need it. They are 4 and 2. BUT... I also realized that I don't always give her the attention she deserves when she tries to talk to me or show me something lots of times I am to busy, but when I want to talk to her I get grunting and attitude. However I am the adult so I thought I should make the first move. Maybe when she needs to talk to me I need to listen and then when I want to talk to her she too will listen and be responsive. I had a terrible thought the other night, that if anything happened to her or me whould she know that I loved her? I tell her that all the time but don't always show it soooo I am going to make a very valid attempt at doing that and see if things don't improve. Sometimes we too don't take the time to listen and FOCUS in on them. Our attention span to them is to short. Hope this helps to let you know you are not alone. And Things will get better. HOPEFULLY!!!!
i agree with your mother, in a way. at eleven years old things are changing so much. things in their body, things at school, they change teachers. a life that at one point was stable is chaotic now. i would try to encourage time alone to calm down when she came in from school, or something calming. and that could be that every day you two spend 30 minutes together doing anything she wants to do. that is what i was taught in school, and as i youth ministers wife, i have seen it very helpful. if you can give them something constant that is theres. GOod luck
I think you need to take your daughter out for some mother daughter time and get down to a serious mother daughter talk. She is probably starting to feel all that awkward stuff that is preteen life! She is at that stage where she is starting to change and doesn't understand it. It is time to talk to her about the changes she is experiencing and what to expect next. The first mother daughter talk that is going to be on a more mature level. She needs both kinds of support right now. If she can't keep up her grades and school work, pull her social activities and sports or limit them. I have seen to many kids get involved in the social networking of school and forget about the educational part.
Talk to her and ask her whats wrong. If shes acting like this maybe there is a boy at school she likes or something is going on in her life that is happening that she cant talk about and shes acting out this way. My daughter is 13, when she was 11 she didnt act that way. I just thought of something...have you talked to her yet about her periods?? Maybe thats what she is getting ready to do if she hasnt yet. Maybe her hormones is going haywire.
Pre-teen. Her body is going through changes and they do get
moody and need to control their feelings. Some are worse than
others. I cried a lot. Our daughter sassed a lot. They all do
their own thing. Talk to her about her changes or have her
dr. Talk to her. Borrow books from the library and read them
together. Stay in touch with her - talk and spend time together - just you and her.
Sounds like she's starting to go through puberty. Make sure she's not hanging out with bad friends and talk to her teachers about her performance in class. For a while I would lower your expectations and allow her to do the minimum in school and activites until she adjusts to her hormonal changes. Now's probably not the time to nag or pressure her too much. I would be supportive and try to endure her grumpiness with a smile and patience. She'll come around eventually and your relationship won't have suffered too much.
At age 11, I had the same problem. I remember coming home and crying many nights. It was definitely hormonal changes in my body, even though I did not start my period until 14. I also started middle school, so it was transitional. It was tough on my parents, but they just worked through it. (I was the third kid.) The most important part was that they kept my eating and sleeping schedules constant and were available everyday. Many days, they would help me with my homework to keep the communication lines open and make sure I got it done. By the next year, things smoothed out tremendously. That was really the worst year and I started focusing again after that. At that age, your view of the world changes.
Good luck! We have similar family dynamics. I had our daughter at 27 and we're having our second in a few weeks, 5 1/2 years later. It will be interesting to see what happens to our daughter at 11. :)
Whiney, grumpy and a bad attitude in general could be associated with being a teen. The pressure that kids have on them these days from their peers, harder schooling, family expectations, etc. can really stress them out. My concern, however, is the disorientation and the bad attention span. I hate to bring this up and make you worry needlessly, but these days it may not be so needless...I would talk to the teachers at school. See how she's acting in their classes and find out who she's hanging out with. It may be something as simple as depression and needing a counselor or a peer counselor to talk to or something as hazardous as drug use or alcohol use. Kids start everything early these days from drugs to sex. It's very important to monitor who she hangs out with, what's going on in her life and what kind of kids she's hanging out with. Good luck and if you need further assistance or referrals for anything let me know.
