Seeking Ideas and Suggestions for Family Sleeping Situation

I'm just re-reading "Good Night, Sleep Tight" by Kim West. She is known as the Sleep Lady and describes her "Sleep Lady Shuffle" approach. It is a more gentle approach than cry it out. She had an entire chapter on co-sleeping and some suggestions for children up to age 5. It takes a committment and will probably cause and even more sleepy family for a couple of weeks. It's a pretty good book.

Good luck!

i have two suggestions... and you may not like them...

1 - put the child their room and let them cry it out... this may take a while and you may have a week or so of loud bedtimes.... but its the only way to do it..... I dont mean close the door and completely ignore him.... set the timer for 10 min... if hes still crying then go in resettle him no talking and leave again - then 15 min then 30 min then 45 min etc..... I have had to do that with child number 2 who co slept the longest with us and he is a perfectly normal well adjusted child.... didnt cause any issues....

OR _ you continue to let him sleep with you.... eventually, he will move to his own bed eventually.....

Honestly, you gotta let him cry it out! It is a really hard week, but it really only takes about a week and they start a new habit. Be strong, you can do it! You aren't getting much sleep anyway, so this way, hopefully sleep will come soon!! I know that I am not a good mommy without my sleep! Good luck to you.

I'm a big believer in not allowing your child to sleep with you, and therefore never dealt with that problem. I would guess you need to be the parent and have a talk with your child. Your next step will be to quit nursing. A child only needs to nurse for a year. It's time to allow this child to quit being so dependent on you. Your husband belongs in bed with you, not your child. GOOD LUCK!!

First of all, if your son is waking 2-5 times a night to nurse, that is your first problem. At his age he should be able to make it through the night without a snack. In my opinion, he should be sleeping in his own bed. You may have a couple of rough nights, but frankly he is manipulating you. Your husband should not be sleeping in the guest bedroom, and maybe it's time for the co-sleeping to end. After a couple of nights of 'crying it out' I am sure you will all be sleeping peacefully through the night! Your son just needs to be reminded that YOU are the one in control of the situation, not him.

My husband and I have twin daughters who are 3 years old now and have never slept in the same bed with us. I agree with the woman who said that your son would feel more secure if he knew that Mommy and Daddy were really in charge. It sounds as if you have a situation where "the inmates are running the asylum" so to speak. Your son is setting the rules and boundaries instead of you and your husband. If you want things to change, then you just need to make it happen even if your son is unhappy for a while (because he will be- not just because he doesn't want to sleep alone but because you're setting up rules and crying won't get him his way). I really think that the parents need to create the environment that they think is best in the home- if that means moving your son out of your room for his sake, the sake of your relationship with your husband, and so that EVERYONE will sleep better then that's what has to happen. Good luck- it won't be easy, but be firm and consistent and he will be sleeping alone and sleeping all night without eating before too long:)

My daughter slept with us since she was born and didn't start sleeping in her own bed until recently. I also nursed until sometime before her second birthday, mainly just to get her to sleep, and had to ween her before I could get her in her own bed. (she is now two and a half) I found forcing it on her like everyone suggested just made it worse and the only thing that worked was time. I tried every night but didn't force it and one night she just stayed in her bed until she woke up in the middle of the night. I also sat with her usually reading until she fell asleep. I started drinking a cup of coffee before bed so I could still sleep but light enough to wake up and put her back to bed. Slowly she has begun to sleep all night or put herself back to sleep and even puts herself to bed when she gets tired. I guess I don't have any real advice just assurance that it will get better. hope it helps at least a little.

Thank you for your question. I am looking forward to reading advice from the other moms. I have the opposite problem, my husband wants to keep ours in bed as it is the only time he gets to snuggle with her due to his weird work schedule. I have just started reading 'The no-cry sleep solution for toddlers and preschoolers' in search of help because I can't deal with her crying for hours either. At least my husband is still in bed with us. We just have to sneek an intimate moment when we can and make it count.
Good luck and sweet dreams.
Jeni
PS. I am doing things backwards with the weaning process. I only let her nurse to go to sleep and then if she wakes up in the night I'm trying to 'shh' her and sometimes it works and other times I nurse for a few moments. I try to make night time very calm for everyone. My husband needs sleep as he often works double shifts, and she is less clingy and less naughty when she has had a good night sleep. So for me I can deal with being a little tired if they are both happy. Being around cranky people makes me cranky.
When she wakes up I talk to her about what we can do or eat or drink when we get up and something will trigger her button and she jumps up and it ready to go downstairs. Yes, I am bribing or rewarding her for getting up. It works for us.
For her she like to sit on the counter while we make hot cocoa then we sit on the floor with our blankies and snuggle and watch Sesame Street or a video. (we'll wean from the breast, then from the cocao later- she lives on fruits and veggies and eats a very balance diet the rest of the day). I found that I need to snuggle just as much or more while weaning her from nursing. They still need to be close to mommy, just with out the boob being in the mouth. And when she starts asking for 'milky' I just ask her if she is tired or hungry and then she can learn what she really wants instead of asking for milky for everything.

Definitely deal with the weaning first. Some kids need more time than others. So do it slowly at a pace that's right for you and your child. Maybe start with cuddling during one of the night wakings instead of breastfeeding.

Once your child is waking up less (or hopefully not at all) then rethink the co-sleeping. Its hard to make decisions about your child when you are exhausted. I've been there. Believe me when I say stuff makes more sense once you've gotten even a couple days of solid sleep.

I am pro cosleeping, because I believe some children simply need more help at night. I've had my frustrating sleep deprived stints of no sleep for sometimes a month at a time. We even tried cry it out twice. Both times my son cried until he made himself throw-up. So we gave up and came to a peace with our arrangment.

We have a similar arrangement where husband sleeps in guest room and I co-sleep with our 2 year old. Luckily, my son sleeps through night now unless he's teething. Husband and I go out for regular date nights and get creative about places in the house for romantic relations.

Finally, we've set up a toddler bed in my son's room with fun decor and toys and are hoping to help him make a slow easy transition there when he's ready.

Good luck! You can do this and only you have the wisdom to know what's right for you and your family.

My suggestion is to put him in a crib and let him fuss it out. If everyone in the house is unhappy but the child then thats a problem. Take control of your life and your bed. Its unhealthy relationship for you and your husband to sleep apart. I understand what you mean by getting up several times a night, I have a 4 year old that still gets me up from 1-4 times a night and a 17 month old that gets me up from 0-2 times a night. Some nights I may get up a total of 7 times with my kids. In my opinion that is what I signed up for when I started having children. I would also think about getting rid of the night time feeding as well. He is only nursing because of comfort, not becasue he needs it, at this age he should be able to sleep throughout the night without getting fed. So put him in a crib and get rid of the night feedings. I would do the crib thing now and cold turkey and slowly on the feedings.

Hi M.,

I would have loved to have co-slept, unfortunately I feel for your husband. Everytime they move or startle or make a sound, it bothers me. I have a 2 month old now and I sleep with him only when necessary.

I have 4 children and have nursed all of them. I am all for breastfeeding, but for your almost two year old to still be nursing at night is only out of habit. His stomach is big enough by now to be able to go through the night. I would think the first step would be to wean him off the night feedings before trying to get him out of your bed. Try giving him other comfort things such as a blanket, favorite stuffed animal or just snuggling with him.

After you get him out of that habit, then you can start with him staying in his own bed. I would start this when your husband has a weekend or some time off. I have had some problems with this myself. One or somtimes two kids in a night would want to sleep with us. If we let them, they come back the next night. After two nights, they think our bed is their bed. For awhile it wasn't a problem because my husband worked swing and would put them back in their own beds when he came home. After awhile though, they got too big and he just left them and started sleeping in the guest room. I didn't like that arrangement so I started getting firm and saying no. It only takes a few times of taking them back to bed for them to get the picture. The key is not to give in. Do you have a bedtime routine? Mine is dinner, clean up, play time, bath, brush teeth, read books, sleep. The play time gets their energy out, the bath and books soothe and relax them. (Also, I would not lie down with him while he falls asleep. That's just another habit to break later.) I had a friend try this routine and they said that within a few days, both of their kids were in their own beds. The key is to stick to it and not give in or give up. It doesn't mean you don't love your child and believe me they will play up the guilt for you. Just know that you and your husband will get better sleep and end have more patience be all the better for it. Good luck!

I know that it's really hard right now, but you deserve a pat on the back for sticking with the co-sleeping and doing what's best for your son. If he really shows no interest in picking out a "Big Boy Bed", and still wants to sleep with you, then I suppose that is what he needs right now. I don't know if you have tried any night-weaning methods or sleep association methods. One of the methods involved trying to have him associate something else with sleep other than nursing or with you. Such as his favorite stuffed animal. You start nursing him to sleep, but stop before he is actually asleep and start rocking or bouncing or patting or whatever usually might work for him to get him to sleep. Have him hold his stuffed animal or blankie or whatever while you are putting him to sleep. When he wakes up in the night, you start by nursing him a little, then moving to the other things and slowly over the course of the next few nights, make it so you don't nurse him when he wakes up, but instead just do the other things - rocking/bouncing/patting and have him hold his stuffed animal instead. It's not total weaning from nursing - I"m a strong advocate for breastfeeding and self-weaning whenever they are ready. But night time can be a different matter. I know that I have an email from my LLL leader about the sleep method above, written by an Attachment parenting doctor, I'll see if I can't find it if you want it, just email me.
The idea of course, is to possibly change what they associate with sleep. It's not a crying out method, and if it's just not working after a week or so, then he's not ready. I tried it for a little bit, only BF my daughter (who's 1) every other time she woke up. That resulted in her just waking up more and being really really upset. So she wasn't ready. I"ll try again in a few months maybe. She sleeps in our bed, and luckily my husband still does, too.
As difficult as it is on you and your husband right now, just know that this is temporary, and he's not going to be in your bed forever. You will get your husband back in your bed eventually. In the meantime, maybe you can make arrangements for a few hours once a week for some alone time with your husband to help you keep your intimate connection there. Even if it's just lying in bed talking together for a while, snuggling. Or "whatever" :::wink wink::: It helps to just have time to connect when you're not sleeping in the same bed.
Hang in there, and keep following your instincts on what is best for your son. He'll be a better, more adjusted, and secure person for it. :)

M. -
I deal with co-sleeping issues in the current and most recent posts on my blog at http://mothersmentor.blogspot.com. But here's the deal for your situation:

At nearly two, your child doesn't need nourishment at night and could sleep through without nursing. And he could sleep in his own bed (in your room, if you like) if you made that your goal. And while you're correct that there will be some protest at first and there will be a couple difficult evenings, you can re-set the pattern pretty easily. The trick is to stick with a plan for at least a week. You should find that a new sleeping arrangement can be started in that time.

Tips: make sure he is nicely fed prior to bedtime (though not overfull- it's hard to sleep on a full stomach!). Make sure he is tired enough to need to sleep. Project none of your own anxieties about this - be calm, cheerful and matter-of-fact. Establish a bed routine you can live with. It's not too young to do dinner, quiet play, a bath, a story, tuck in and lights out (or something like that).

Good luck! You can do this!

Hey M.,

We do not have that problem since our son at 8 months old got kicked out of our bed since I really needed sleep and more room. He didn't like the transition. But we got it to work finally.

Is there a way to give him a blankey or a shirt or pillow of yours and try to ask him to at least sleep 1 hour in his bed. Then as he is actually allowed to come into the bed this is okay? Then prolong the time? Maybe do the reverse? Let him sleep in your bed for 1 hour or till he wakes up and then move him to his bed? Shortening the time after a while?

I just giving possible ideas. I honestly do not know what is your best plan due to not being in the same situation. We had the problem of our child wanting to be picked up at night after going to bed in his crib. We started with conforting him while staying in the crib.

Could you extend your arm over the bed, but telling him he has to stay on his bed but you will be there? Sleepless nights might happen (though it sounds you are already there) until he realizes it's the 'rule' of the house?

Just some brainstorming. Sorry I have no 'easy to follow' plan. I think when it comes to anything we have to break our children of the habit that has formed, and we need to expect some griping, whining, crying. But it's so important for me as well to let them know "hey I really do love you and I will be here for you when you need me"

-steffi

My idea is this. I actually did this with my daughter. I selpt on the floor with her on a seperate mattress, butted up against mine. I scooted the matterass over 1 or 2 inches each night untill at the end of the week she was a foot away. I always read or talked to her before she went to sleep. The same tone of voice, the same words of reassurance, etc. At the end of two weeks she was across the room and willing to try a night without me so close to her. A lot of work but your husband sleeps in a diffrent room anyway so you can have a free hand in this. I continued to talk and reasure her even after I slipped into my bed and since she coul;d see me, and hear me, she was reassured and soon fell asleep. It was a long progress, but my hubby was away at the time so it made it really easy for me to do. Good luck ! Take it slow and you'll get there. M. l.

I had the exact same situation as you I co slept with my daughter until she was a little over two years old and my husband slept in the other room because he worked and I didnt and it was important for him to sleep so that he could be alert for work the next day it was a sacrifice we made but there came a time when it was just enough and my marriage was falling apart because there was no closeness between my husband and I anymore..... I got a toddler bed for my daughter and put it in the room and had her sleep in there at first I had the bed right next to mine so that she could see me if she woke up in the middle of the night then I gradualy moved it further and further from my bed. Finally she got to the point where she almost slept trough the night. I would put her to bed sit on the floor and rub her back until she fell asleep then leave the room and go sleep in the bed with my husband if she woke up crying I would go in her room and rub her back until she fell back to sleep it was hard on my sleeping schedule but she was still talking a nap during the day so I was still able to nap with her. eventually she slept through the night in her own bed and what a relief it was. Now with your situation because you are nursing him that often you might want to slow that part down he doesnt need that much nursing at night nurse him really good before bed if he wakes to nurse he isnt hungry he is using you as a pacifier. Try getting him on a bottle or sippy cup with water if he wakes in the middle of the night this will lessen his need for you in the middle of the night. Get into a good routine and eventually things will fall in to place.

your son is not a BABY anymore. wean him off the nursing, for one thing. get him on a cup. then work on getting your life, husband and love back. amazing how our kids just take over most any situation if we let them. maybe do a fun bed for him in his own room with soft music. going to take some time but you can do this.

I hear your pain. I too did the co-sleep in our bed for some time. I just recently stopped nursing my almost 3 yr old. I put a comfortable twin matress in her bedrrom. I start out there and sneak back into my bed. I agree with all those tough-love moms. Teach them to sleep on their own. It is healthy for everyone. Although, it has been my choice to trudge through the nights keeping her happy. I suggest a comfy chair that you can lull him to sleep in as well. This will help with your need for comfort and a change from sleeping in your bed. I find that the sooner I relax, she's off to sleep. Try to start a more regular routine before sleep time. Talking about it, diaper change, jammies, brushing teeth, reading, and nighty night. Making it close to the same time every night. No one is perfect and every situaion needs a diiferent answer. Just remember, God gave us these sweet little blessings, enjoy each moment as they will be cherished memories for ever. Good luck and God bless. :)

First of all, I'm sorry for your situation. I know sleep issues are common enough but nevertheless so frustrating!

Second, I'm pro-cosleeping and pro-nursing - but I'm also pro-Mama's peace of mind. Children's needs must be balanced with adults' or resentment and / or exhaustion may follow. My kids (6 and 4) still end up in our bed often but we all sleep well together (which hasn't always been the case). We have had all sorts of arrangements and here's the funny thing; from age 5 months to about 2 they didn't sleep with us near as much as they do now. They both nursed a lot at night but my husband would bring them to me, I'd nurse them, then he'd take them back to their crib (more on this in a bit).

You don't have to sell out your ideals (no CIO) to get something you want, but you might have to be willing to put some work in and get over your ambivalence. For instance the "work" it will take to make a change *is* a lot of work, but you will be better for it.

I believe kids sense ambivalence and react to it. If you try to change your nighttime arrangements but deep in your heart you feel guilty about it (for your son), angry about it (at yourself, your partner, whoever), or unsure, then I personally think it might not go well.

So my short answer is - find a small change you feel sure about and proceed with confidence. Be kind to your son but understand that learning other people have needs (as in, people like his mother!) is part of the growth process.

Joan has a good suggestion: "I would tackle the breastfeeding first, then the co-sleeping, so it isn't a HUGE change all at once." If you could get your body back at night you might not mind having him need you for just cuddles. Some weaning theories suggest going to "once a day" or whatever (which worked well with my kids when the time came; they were weaned at 3 and 2) but I think at nighttime this wouldn't work well (everyone is too sleepy to enforce / cooperate). I'd suggest starting the mantra, "we nurse in the daytime" and being firm about it at night. Now this will involve some work but mostly, you'd have to be sure about it before you adopted the new program.

With my kids, I night-weaned them at 18 months. I just started telling them, "We nurse in the daytime". It worked well - probably because when they woke asking at night, my husband settled / comforted them. It also worked well because I was sure this was OK to do; I didn't feel guilty. I was ready for longer sleep at night. I'll also add that I was OK with the night nursing up until then so there was no backlog or resentment by the time I started. I was ready for the change.

My husband did the night duties with the kids, or did most of them anyway. Let me tell you why this worked for me. First, A. it gave my kids more time with their father, and more balance for my children, B. it made the "kid workload" more fair, C. it honored my husband with the loving work of parenthood, and D. kept my resentment at a zero. I understand other families don't make the choice to let the non-caregiver parent take nighttime responsibilities, I'm just saying that really worked for us.

Best of luck - be kind and gentle to yourself!

If I may ask, why are you still nursing when he is 2? If you don't stop now he will still be nursing at 4. Unless you want that. The only reason he wakes up that offten to nurse is for comfart, nut because he is hungrey.
Secondly you need to ask your self the question do you want to sleep with your child and be tired your self or sleep with your husband and get a good nights rest.
I would put him in his own room and his own crib. After a few nights of crying he will get used to it. He is going to be 2 soon and if you don't change it now then it will only get harder.
Good luck!

Hi M.,
The most important information you just gave us here is that you have a guest room. I think since your baby is already 2 yo you had better see what you can do to make him a room of his own. My children always slept better in a room of their own. Make sure that everything in it is his. Fix it up so that it is special. Decorate it with boy things etc. All his. And his bed too must be one that is a big boy bed even tho it may be just a child size (I think a twin bed is just fine too). This child is perfectly capable of being told all about his new room and how much fun it will be. Don't forget to mention, in a very loving way, as you are preparing the room that it will be his new bedroom where he will sleep. I would start with his naps there.
My kids never had the fun bedroom I'm afraid. Just didn't do that much in those days and I was one of those people without much of an imagination like I have since acquired:o). I wish you the very best. Get your husband back in bed with you. A.

M.....i am 54 and mother of three. i have two young grandsons. if you are not sleeping, how can you possibly be the mother, wife and woman you are meant to be? teaching our children to become healthy, well-adjusted adults starts at the moment one realizes she is pregnant. (it actually continues for the rest of your life.) please make your son's bedroom a wonderful space that her wants to be in. let him help you. talk about how he needs to have his own special place just like you and daddy do. he should not be waking several times at night for any reason. at his age he is only nursing for comfort, and that can happen many other ways. if he doesn't start getting a full night's rest, his development gets interrupted. as a teacher for twenty six years, this will cause learning problems when he gets to school. i work specifically with learning disorder kids. please consult your doctor about these issues. and if you desire to have more children, get him into his own space. this won't be the easiest thing you have ever done, but i believe you will all be better off for it. i wish you all the best. M.

M., that sounds like a really difficult situation -- you must be exhausted. Contrary to what many have said here, there's nothing wrong with still nursing (or co-sleeping). But it does sound like the current system isn't working well for you anymore. Why don't you check out the message boards at Mothering.com (http://www.mothering.com/discussions/). You'll find that nearly everyone there is supportive of extended nursing, co-sleeping, and being nonjudgmental. :) The women there will be able to share -- from their own experience -- things that worked for them.

Having gone through this myself and not being a believer in the crying it out method I can sympathize with your situation. It is hard being a first time mom and not know what things to push with your baby and what to let go.

It seems to me that 2-5 times a night is a little excessive for an almost two year old to be nursing. He is seeking comfort, not nourishment at this stage in life. If he is truly hungry then give him a good bed time snack and keep a cup of water by your bed for hydration.

The first thing you need to do is wean your baby down to at least once a night. You can still meet his emotional needs with snuggling and such without having to nurse him. This will give you more sleep time. If the only way you can both be comfortable is in your family bed then do it.

There is a fabulous book put out by La Leche League called "Mothering Your Nursing Toddler" I highly reccomend it.

Good Luck,
C.

I hate to say this because I feel your pain, but until you are ready emotionally to let your child "cry it out", things are not going to change. He isnt a baby anymore so if your goal is to keep him in his own bed, then you need to be firm and consistent. There is no magic solution. (In my humble opinion) p.s crying it out doesnt mean that you are hurting or abandoning your child. at his age, his crying is letting you know he is protesting any change in his routine. You can still do it with love and patience. But it truly is your job to initiate this if your goal is to have your husband back in your bed:) Good luck!!

I would tackle the breastfeeding first, then the co-sleeping, so it isn't a HUGE change all at once.

Sounds like your two year old might need to be weined, at least partially. It sounds like you want to do what is best for your child, but in order for you to be a good mom and wife, you need to sleep. 2-5 times a night for a two year old to nurse is really often. You won't always be able to nurse, so he needs to learn some self soothing methods, and since he is 2, he is old enough to understand what you are taking about, instead of a baby who is new to the world, it won't be mean to him. I don't recommend 'crying it out', especially since he is used to being soothed by you, but cutting back on the feedings, and making a very special trip to some place like Build a bear workshop, for a special nighttime teddy, could work.

Explain to him that mommy needs to sleep more, so she isn't going to nurse so much at night, etc. Your son is probably really smart, and will understand you. You can tell him that nursing is going to be just for bedtime, and that he will be able to nurse again first thing in the morning.

That is the breastfeeding part, as to the co-sleeping that is harder. My eight and 5 year old still sleep with me - (but I was recently soothed by a well educated Japanese woman, who said that it is common for children there to sleep with parent until they are 12!) My husband found that it was easier to sleep separetley as well. Is the problem that you actually miss sleeping together, or that in general you feel that you are lacking intimacy? Not sleeping together doesn't have to mean that you aren't intimate, especially since he has to go to bed so early. Do you do things together, just you and him?

For the sex part, I found that not sleeping together made having sex much more exciting for us, because we had to find different ways to do it, instead of just in bed.

I hope that my ideas might work for you, good luck!

Kudos to you for choosing co-sleeping and staying away from "crying it out". I have tons to say but such little time... so the main advice I will give to you is: NIGHT WEAN! It's the best thing I did. My daughter was around 20 months at the time. It took a week of transition, but when it was over it was so worth the effort! She started sleeping longer stretches, only waking once or twice. Just a pat on the back, some sort of physical connection, and she was back to dream land. After a few weeks she started sleeping through the night a few nights a week. That was enough for me and my husband to get caught up on sleep. She is now almost three, mostly sleeping in her own bed in her own room, and I'm expecting another child in a few weeks. I will do things exactly the same for this child if the circumstances allow it. I hate to say it, but it sounds like maybe your husband needs to get a bit of a reality check. My husband gets frustrated, too, but understands that this is all part of the parenting style we've chosen. That ultimately it's what's best for our family. It's hard, for sure, but the rewards are great: well-adjusted, independent, compassionate, confident children going out in the world to make positive change! Good luck.

We also have children with whom we have co-slept, and YES, my husband spends some nights on the couch just to get some real sleep! I completely understand! We have ages 5, 3, and 1 - who just love to be in our room, in our bed. While this is comfortable for a while, it does cause problems.

I would suggest weaning, at least from nursing at night. I don't know if that is an option for you, and if it's not - more power to you! I do agree that something has to change for you, however. Your son needs to be adjusted into a more conventional family sleeping arrangement.

Have you considered putting a mattress or spare bed in your son's room, so that you can sleep in the room with him? What I mean is, he would learn to sleep in a crib that way, with you nearby.

Also, our kids' doctor never gave us much insight until we switched to a pediatrician who was a mom herself. She told us it takes approximately three nights to break a child of drinking a bottle middle of the night, or going to sleep in the crib by himself. This sounds a bit like what you may be going through (feeding in the middle of the night, frequent awakenings). Most parents attempt this, and by night #2, they give up. So she advised us to pick a long weekend or some time when we can gear up for less sleep. We made sure there was a full tummy immediately before bed, and put him down. Then when he woke up, we were to go rub his back and comfort him - but not pick him up. Sweet talk and love without the snuggles...which he won't like at first. It did take three nights EXACTLY until our little guy "got it". Each of our children has been successful with this approach. And yes, occasionally one of them comes to sleep in our bed still - the older ones know by now not to try to get in bed, they simply snuggle on the floor next to the bed. It's a matter of training and repetition, over and over!

Now you may be different because you breastfeed, and I don't know if your son has ever slept in a crib on his own. But it is time to try getting him over to that stage!

Best of luck to you!
~ K.

This is EXACTLY what my family went through. My solution was to wean my son (at 22 months). I went trough 2 tough weeks of crying and rocking, but guess who gets 10 uninterrupted hours of sleep per night now? Yes, we all do (even if he still is in bed with us). I was really reluctant to give up nursing at first, but it was sooooo worth it!

M.,
My son slept with me from birth. So as he got older it seemed natural.He is 13 and still climbs into bed with us. It starts out just watching movies and then he falls asleep. Either myself or my husband ends up sleeping on the couch or in his room. I know you may think he is old enough to understand, but he is an only child and is very close to us. If is dad gets grouchy about it he would bring blankets in and sleep on the floor next to my bed. I ended up re doing his room and making it into a teenager type room, TV, DVD player, Playstation 3, Stereo system. It is a very comfortable room. I know I spend many of nights there. So it could be worth some crying at night now might save some sleepless nights and arguments later. My son has gotten a lot better about sleeping in his own room now.

A.

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears has lots of suggestions for night weaning and transitioning to seperate sleeping areas. You can solve this without crying it out and still nurse, but within your boundaries. This is a tough situation, keep trying.

Hi, I also co-slept and breastfed my son for along time {am actually still breastfeeding him @ 20 months}. But magically when he turned 18 months he started sleeping in his crib and actually sleeping through the night. I had been putting him in his bed at night and then when he'd wake up around 2-3am I'd bring him to bed with me. I think at this point, he's just used to having you to himself and it sounds like to me, both you and your husband are not happy with this arrangement anymore. So it needs to change obviously. I would try the method that Supernanny uses. Put the child to bed, after they get up lay them back down and say 'it's time to sleep [go to bed etc}' and then sit down beside the bed. The next time they get up, just lay them down with no words and sit back down beside the bed. Continue this until they sleep. You'll probably have to sleep in his room for awhile, just to warn you, because he will wake up and you will have to repeat. The next night, sit in a chair across the room and use the method. The night after that, sit in the doorway, etc until you are no longer in the room, and he is able to sleep on his own without you. Don't feel bad about putting him in his own bed. At this point sleeping with you is just what he's used to, and he'll have to get used to something new. It's for the good of the whole family, for you and your husband to have a close and intimate relationship. My son is doing absolutely wonderful and only slept with us 2 nights since then, when he was sick, and not sleeping well. But it's back to his crib for him, and he's not traumatized lol Good luck to you, and let me know if you need any support :)
A.

I used the book,
On Becoming Baby Wise: Giving Your Infant the Gift of Nighttime Sleep by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam They have a sequal, for toddlers, On Becoming Toddlerwise by Gary Ezzo
you can get it at Barnes & Nobles in the parenting section... It helped me as a new mom establish healthy eating and sleeping patterns for my now 7 month old.. It isn't anything drastic, but since your baby is 2, it might take a while to un-do some of his habits.. Good luck!

How large is your bed? We co sleep with an 8 and 3 year old daughters so four people fit into our bed. We have a King sized bed. My husband also goes to bed before 10 because he gets up at the same time as yours. You can simply roll over to nurse your son and then go back to sleep again. It also helps to feed him some cereal before he goes to bed and you can get the whole family on the same sleep schedule as your DH by bathing, bed time snack etc. before 8pm. Then nobody has to sleep in the guest room.

H.

Hi M. ~ Unfortunately, it seems that it's your two year old who is running the show at the cost of your peace-of-mind and your marriage (I believe that parents should be sleeping together...it's also a good example for your kids to see). Though it can be painful emotionally, the cry-it-out method is tried and true for all three of my kids becoming independent sleepers. It lasted maybe two nights at most. Every time you succumb, you reinforce, which shows your child he can get what he wants. I'm not condemning you at all ~ but stating my observations. Do you have your child nap in a separate room during the day? Maybe easing him into having his "own" space during nap time will make him feel more secure and "at home" during bedtime? Hope you get it all worked out!

M., You are creating a monster! Mother of 2 grown, beautiful daughters here!! First, stop nursing that baby! He has taken full control of your house and your life. If he has already pushed your husband out of your bed, how long do you think it will be before he pushes him out completely! I'm sorry if this sounds harse, but honey, you are in desperate need of a wake up! Just do it, put him in his own bed, and tell him he is too big to be a baby anymore! If he can talk, and I assume he can, he can tell you that he is hungry, or thirsty, and he can have something other than breast milk! Do yourself, your husband, and your son, a huge favor and let go, you don't lose them just because they aren't breast feeding any more. Trust me honey, anyone who knows you are still doing that is saying things behind your back, even if they aren't brave enough to say it to your face. Good luck, and God Speed, R.

You may want to consider eliminating the nursing. There is no reason a 2 year old needs to eat during the night. It sounds like he's probably nursing for comfort. Try eliminating those feedings then work on the sleeping situation. As long as he's nursing during the night he has a reason to wake up and not soothe himself. Don't expect it to be an overnight thing. I may take weeks and weeks to end the nursing. If you want of course. If you want your sleep back you really may want to consider it.

my son was waking every hr at night to nurse before i decided to wean him. also i put him in his own room and just stood over the bed till he went to sleep and gradually moved out of the room.

Interested in responses

What worked for us was putting a twin sized matress on our son's floor. I'd nurse him down there, lay next to him when until he fell asleep, then leave for my own bed. The regular [non-crib sized] matress made it comfortable. It also set the foundation for reclaiming our bed & bedroom as just a mommy & daddy thing. Yes, he still woke in the night, but we all got more sleep by my going in & laying down with him. This still worked even durring / after night weaning.
Barring a medical reason to keep nursing so frequently, it's sounding like your sleep needs are starting to outweight your son's nursing-comfort needs. At two, you can probably explain to him that there's no nursing at night - defined as when it's dark outside. As it's edging into summer here, it's a good time to try that technique as the nights are short. Night weaning won't necessarily stop him from night waking, but is can shorten the time you're awake in the middle of the night. Telling my son I was too tired to nurse, rolling over & playing possum was probably the most effective night weaning method I used.

The other change that helped us was putting a heater in his room - apparently he was waking every 1-2 hrs from being cold.

Good luck - and keep in mind that whatever you decide to do, odds are by the time he's 4, he'll sleep through most nights [8-12 hours]

-C.

Sounds tough! Try reading the book "Baby Wise" It helped me a ton w/a similar situation. It might be hard to let them cry but it's really your discomfort more than theirs. Hope it helps!

Hi,

That sounds really frustrating. I know some moms who nursed at night until their kids where 3 or so, but I wonder if you would be okay with trying to just nurse him to sleep and no more during the night. My thought is that if you can at start there then you at least can be getting more sleep and feeling better and you may be able to slowly work your way from nursing all night to nursing just once at bedtime to being able to lay him in his own bed after he nurses. I have no idea if it will actually work for you but it's a thought. Also, it seems to me that you are ready for a change so just be clear with your son that you love him and yet you need to make some changes. He will most unlikely understand what you are saying but whether or not he can voice his opinion on things back to you in words depends on him. He will definitely let you know when he is unhappy, regardless. You can add some compromises along the way if need be to help him know that he is still loved and cared for.

Also, is his place to sleep a fun place for him. Is it comfortable for him? Does it have pictures of things he likes around? Night-light, etc? If you can do it for really cheap some decorations may help him feel more comfortable in that space. For example on our son's bed is by ours and we bought him a mattress that partly goes under our bed but leaves enough room for him to sleep and then but pictures of cars on the wall next to it and moved a small old CD cabinet to the head of his bed, where we keep his bedtime books and few stuffed animals and toys. It is nothing elaborate, but it definitely helps make the space fun and he can feel like he has his own private space if he wants it.

Good Luck!
S.

In my opinion, if your son is almost 2 and he's getting up 2 to 5 times a night, he's not happy in the situation either. Physically/nutritionally/medically, he doesn't need to eat at night any more at all. His sleep is disjointed too as a result of this family arangement. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions for a solution except to tell him he needs to learn to go back to sleep by himself and then let him cry. Before I had kids, I NEVER would have thought I'd do that. After reading a lot of the research and doing it with my first child, I am convinced it's a miracle! It would take longer for your son to learn because he is older but it would be worth it for all of you! I have a four year old daughter and two 17-month-old boys and they all sleep beautifully... and so do my husband and I... together. I'm not saying it was easy to let them cry it out but I am saying that it works great. I also now feel that it doesn't hurt them emotionally. Since my daughter is 4 and we're very close and she's well-adjusted. I hope you'll consider at least reading up on it. Good luck!

Is he waking at night to nurse because he is hungry or is it for comfort? We recently started doing the matress by the bed with our fourteen month old. And i found that if he went to bed completely full he would only wake once or twice after that. now i bottle feed mine now so its easy for me to get up get a bottle and then i just stay awake until he is done with it. he falls back to sleep on his own and so do i. could you pump and give him a bottle only at night to see if maybe that works? I am not sure how you feel about bottles i know some moms hate them. Other then that i am out of suggestions. where does nap? i used to hold mine while he slept and would use that time to doz off but i then realized i was never getting anything done for me. If he isnt napping in his new sleeping area maybe that would help him get more comfy with being there. and then with that he may get more ok with sleeping for longer periods of time at night. I kow how hard it is i am working on moving out the second child and i am sven months pregnant with our third. I have vowed to my husband that this one will sleep in our room but not in our bed!! Good luck and hang in there!!

I LOVE the book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child....it's got our 10 month old sleeping 12 hrs. a night and two naps of 1.5 hrs. or more per day. However, we had to let him cry it out. It's so hard but we are happier and he is happier. The book talks about co-sleeping. We do not and have never co-slept with our son so it's different situation..my point..try the book. It's a good one.

M., I know it's hard to hear your little one cry but at 2 years old, he's learned that when he cries for something he gets immediate results. Is that really the message you want him to learn? It's not doing him any favors to make him feel like he is the ruler of the home when he'd feel much safer knowing that mommy and daddy are strong and in control. My husband and I started taking turns with our twins with the put downs and the night shift and in order for one of us to sleep, we slept in separate rooms. (Plus there is always snoring which is sometimes disruptive) Well, we ended up giving the girls there own rooms when they were three which meant we were "forced" to sleep in our room together. It takes time to adjust but it's really so much better. Plus, your poor husband is having to choose between sleeping and sleeping with his wife. . .Plus, baby boy shouldn't need any "snacks" at that age. . .being there with the boob is kind preventing him from learning to self soothe. . .That's just my oppinion and I know that it's emotional but he'll need to learn his special way of falling back to sleep and with you there, he'll never learn it. Give his own room a chance. . .good luck :)

My son is almost 2 as well, and while we only co-slept until he was 4 months old, and therefore, much less "aware" of his surroundings, it was very difficult to get him to not sleep in the bed. We were in nearly the same situation, where my husband was sleeping in a different room, because he was tired of getting kicked, and I was nursing, at that time, 5 or 6 times every night. We also had no husband/wife personal time. I know you said you have a small room, so do we, unbelievably small. I'm not sure if you have room for this - but this is how we handled the situation... I put a bassinett (actually it was the pack-n-play, with the bassinett top) right next to the bed. I built the mattress up with blankets until it was nearly even with our mattress. For about 3 or 4 weeks, I put him in the bassinett, instead of in between me and my husband. It was really just a matter of getting him to sleep on a different side of me. But, it took a really long time. At first, he woke up much more frequently, but he got used to it (again he was only 4 months old.) After he was very used to sleeping in the bassinett, I transferred him to his crib, 5 months old. He almost did not notice the transfer at all. ALTHOUGH... he still woke up 4 or 5 times at night to nurse until he was about 16 months old. I figured that I wasn't getting any sleep in either spot, so it was preferrable to just do it in his bedroom and not mine.

The way I started him to not need to nurse was to just go into his room and pick him up and hold him for awhile and then lay him back down. I HATE the cry it out method, this made him cry, but literally for only about 15 seconds, until he realized he was as tired as me, and then he calmed down when he realized that I wasn't leaving the room. I'd wait until he settled down and was nearly or completely asleep, then tiptoe out. This also takes a bit of time. But, wow... it's worth it. We are expecting our second son in 2 months, and I can't imagine trying to work it out with both at the same time. It's safe to say we're not doing the co-sleeping thing from the beginning anymore. I'll do a bassinett for as long as he needs, but the co-sleeping thing, as wonderful as it is for a time, really created a monster. And another thing I will try and do is not nurse every time at night, and not nurse to sleep anymore. My first son is a very thin little guy, and he needed the food. But, it's safe to say that when he drifts off to sleep after 2 minutes of nursing, that he ISN'T eating, he's comforting himself. Very difficult, though. I still nurse every night and for naps (when he's not at the sitter's.) But, I don't nurse to sleep anymore. This only took him about a week to get used to. Oh - and he loves his crib. I'd always heard not to create a play space out of a crib. But, frankly, that's what has saved us. He loves being in his little safe space.

Good luck. I'll say a pray or 10 for you. This is not an easy process. I hope that you figure something out. I know everyone says that the husband should try putting them to bed, etc. In our family, not realistic because

1. Daddy means play, not sleep.
2. Daddy hasn't the patience that it takes.

Sorry to communicate a whole book.

Have a great day, get some rest!

C.

We have had a very similar situation with our two kids, the baby (17m) is in our bed mostly, crib mattress on the floor next to me in a VERY small bedroom. Our 4 year old also comes into the bed almost every night. My hubby works and needs his sleep too, but what I think we need to remember is having a baby is hard on EVERYONE and should be. That is part of having a baby. I truly believe a family bed is an important bonding experience and very loving for everyone. So does my husband. He willingly sacrifices sleep just like the rest of us because of this. Maybe your hubby just needs to be reminded that. Will sleeping in a different bed start to cause problems?

As far as the baby goes, I found with my first at two years old, I was able to put his mattress in his own room, hang up his drawings, put on fun sheets and blankets, set up his stuffed animals, and talk to him a lot about how fun it was and how neat it is to be a big boy. It totally worked for us. I suggest to just keep talking to your babe and eventually it will get better.