Seeking Mom's for Some Help!!

I also have an 8 year old boy who was getting in a lot of trouble in school last year and also lying about things. His main problem was a lack of respect for authority figures and anger management issues. We took him to a child psychologist recommended by our pediatrician. We went 10-12 times. One or two visits weren't going to fix it. Anyway, what we determined was that our son was acting out in order to get attention, which he wasn't getting enough of at home. Also, we lacked consistency with our parenting styles. In other words, he was constantly testing the boundaries (which is normal)but he would go too far because there were no set limits. Kids want to know what the rules and consequences are. The hardest part is the consistency between you and your spouse. But it is also the most important. You two HAVE to set a plan of action (this may involve some compromising). We sat our son down and CALMLY explained that his behavior lately was unacceptable (he was making bad choices)and that starting today we were making some changes and that we expected certain behaviors from him. Spell it out, tell him what you DO want instead of what you DON'T want (more positive approach). Also explain the consequences. I coordinated with his teacher and adopted the same rules she used (4 strikes)with some modification. Be sure to give positive reinforcement for every little step along the way. BE WARNED: It may get harder before it gets better. They will try to test your authority. Hold firm and TRY to remain calm. remind him that it is up to him to make better choices (which earn better priveledges). DON'T CONFUSE PRIVELEDGES WITH REWARDS-BIG DIFFERENCE! Also sticker charts work like majic. We also got a VHS tape from the library called "1,2,3 Majic". In regards to the lying, I signed my son and I up for Bible study and I found that the extra one on one time I spent with him did a world of good. Both in learning right from wrong and in developing a stronger relationship with each other. Now he tells me EVERYTHING because I constantly tell him that the consequences will be worse if he lies than if he just admits to it. Again, try to stay calm no matter what his response is. I have noticed that he now tattles on the others more often. It's like his moral awareness is heightened. Now I have a chance to nip problems in the bud with my younger ones because he's not going to let them get away with any wrong doing.

I don't know if this is the right or wrong way to handle it but this is what worked for my oldest 3 children, now ages 22,21 &16-the 5 yr. old isn't there yet, my daughter wanted to go to a concert so I told her I would get tickets, for a week she told her friends she was going and prepared for it. The night of the event I told her I lied and we weren't going, she started throwing a fit and I calmly told her if it was alright for her to lie to me then the same went for me too. She got real quiet didn't say a word and went to her room after 1 hour she came out and apologized for the lying and we never had that problem again. Wish you luck! T. K.

I love the idea about lying to the child so they know how it feels. It sounds a lot like Love and Logic (a wonderful program by Jim and Charles Faye for behavior management). However, I am concerned about the post that suggests that you should use reading to punish. It is so important that our children develop a love for reading. If reading is associated with punishment, they are not going to read for enjoyment.

Wow! so the dad is on the road? how does he act when he is home? Problem children are very hard to deal with, grounding them doesnt work, spanking them doesnt either. We really dont have a problem with lying as of yet we had a small brush with it but nothing a stern talking to couldnt help. My thought would be yes ground him but ground him to his room and or the back yard,until he can learn to act right. Have him read a book for at least 20 minutes every day and on the weekends 1 to 2 hours. No TV no Phones and no friends at all (inform your husband of what is going on so he will not "unground" him). You must stick to this cause if you dont he'll soon learn that you are easy and he can still get away with these things. Do this for a week and tell him next time he gets caught in a lie it will be longer.
To know if he is reading have him tell you about the books that he is reading, if he cant tell you then make him read it again and again untill he can tell you about it.

Good luck!
K.
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This is an edit, because I'm not sure how to add to a responce.. The reading give the child something to do while they are not having anything else to do,plus it has helped his reading improve, went from 2nd grade reading level to a 4th grade reading level...... NOT for punishment. My 9yr old actually likes to read, now and didnt before.

I don't really have any advice on this one. But will say I am sort of in the same boat. My son, also 8 has been behaving the same. My husband is rarely home as he is in heat and air. I too am A stay at home mom am 35 years old and our children are 14, 10, 8, and 7 months. Will be keeping an eye on your question here as it seems we both have the same issue. Feels like Im the only one sometimes and thought maybe you would feel A little better knowing there was someone in the same boat.

J., Iknow what you are going through my husband and I are going through the same thing with my 6yr.old step son. He lies to us about is homework and taking things from his sisters and Wal-Mart. Our problem is like yours no amount of disipline seems to work. It seems like it is just getting worse. I am in the same boat as you are in so maybe we can help each other through this time. You can get a hold of me if you want to. Good Luck.
J.

the way it sounds you might have to have an outside source. When me and my second husband went to japan for his second base because my older ones are biopolar between me and there grandma and their therapist we figured it would be best for them to stay in the states with grandma and the rest of there brothers and sisters. But after about 6 months my daugther who is really intelligent and smart started slipping in school. When i comforted her therapist the therapist said it was resentment showing through cuz i wasnt there. Needless to say i had to go back home but it all cooled down. What i am getting at is maybe he has some issues that he dont know how to resolve and acting up is the only way to let people know. maybe you have an outside source that he can talk to that aint mom or dad. Maybe if you have to take him to a therapis to see if there is some reason for his acting out.
If that dont help and grounding dont help go to the next best thing all kids have a favorite toy take it away. I use that alot on my kids and they hate that more then grounding. well good luck

Have you had his hearing checked? My sister-in-law's boy was acting the same way and turned out he had almost complete hearing loss in one ear. Once they got that cleared up, his behavior improved dramatically.

another suggestion would be to teach him children's meditation techniques. One thing I like to do is gather leaves, bark, blades of grass, rocks, and have my girls close their eyes. Then, we use touch to explore the objects. I then ask questions like "What do you feel?", "Is it cold or warm?", "Is it rough or smooth", and whatever else might be appropriate. This exercise helps them calm down, block out everything else, and concentrate more.

Also, EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) is always useful in these behavioral situations. Visit http://www.emofree.com for more information.

Is there a possibility he is feeling "left out" or that he's not special anymore? Is there some way you could spend more "you and him" time? Take him to his favorite restaurant just the two of you. Or just go for a walk. It's easier to open and maintain the path of communication now than when they enter the troubled tweens.

M. :)

We went thru this with my step-son about a year ago. It started out with him being disrespectful and lying and it ended up with him shoplifting a pen from the check-out lane at Wal-Mart!! I tried to handle it by myself at first without much luck. I finally got my husband "really" involved. I wouldn't say that my step-son is afraid of his dad, but he definitely listens to him more than me. It worked and my step-son has completely outgrown that stage. He knows now that if he lies there will be serious consequences.

I would suggest taking away all privleges. Don't just say that he can't play video games, take the game system out of his room. Don't just say that he can't watch tv, take the tv out of his room. I find that if it's still there it is too easy for me to give in. And pay attention to who he is hanging out with. When I finally gave my step-son some priveleges back, I overheard one of his friends saying, "It's okay, I lie all of the time." The same friend told him that it was okay to take things from the store. Young kids are very impressionable.

Good luck! I know firsthand how stressful and frustrating it is when your usually sweet child takes a turn for the worse. :)