Seeking Mom's with Good Bedtime Advice

Hi A.,

We let both of our boys sleep with us for a little over a year each. It is definitely a matter of convenience, as well as the fact that I just think it's more natural for infants to sleep at least in the same room, if not in the same bed as me. However, it does cause for a major challenge later in their life when you are ready for them to sleep in their own bed, as you're experiencing. As a new mom at the time, I was finally convinced with my older son to cry it out in his room, which eventually worked, but it's just not something I personally believe in, so I'm not taking that approach with my younger son, who I'm still "crib training". It's been a long gruling process, but I've picked up a few tricks along the way - some of which may still apply to your 3 year old.

Getting them to sleep in their own space in a healthy way is a matter of them being comfortable and feeling safe where they are. At almost 3, you should be able to talk to her a little more than you would an infant about sleeping in her own bed. Setting the expectation is KEY in any part of parenting, even if they don't completely understand it. Setting a consistent bedtime routine is also something of comfort when going to bed, which helps to make the environment feel secure. Including a good bedtime story or two and spending some cuddle time in her room with her when she's going to sleep will likely increase that security. Also, if she doesn't have one already, you may want to try to get her attached to a "Lovey", which could be a s stuffed animal, or blanket or something. (I think as long as the Lovey stays in the bed, and doesn't become a security thing for life, it's OK.) If you wear or wrap the item around your body for 10 minutes or so before bedtime, it will smell like you, which is really comforting. You can also try to play some really low volume soothing music or heartbeat sounds. They're more for babies, but they work on me, so I'm guessing they might help your daughter as well. Another thing that helps with babies, that might help with you is to load her up with food and attention during the day, so she's not seeking either at night. Keep a glass of water by the bed if she gets thirsty.

As an additional note, if she's waking up crying in her sleep, that's likely what's called Night Terrors. Both of my boys have it as well, and it is quite disturbing. My older son (4 yo) hasn't had it happen in a while, but my younger son (18 mos) still deals with it from time to time. One theory behind it that I've found mostly accurate is that they get it when they aren't getting enough rest during the day. It may be a security thing as well. If you're not familiar with it, you should look into it more, but just to give you some general pointers - don't try to wake her up when she's going through this. It actually makes it worse. There's really nothing you can do to stop it, but you can try to comfort her as much as possible, just by whispering "mommy's here...you're safe...you're OK." The episodes usually last anywhere from 5 - 15 minutes, but I've found comforting helps a lot. I've also been told to turn on the lights, as shadows can be very scary, but I've just been careful about my shadow. If they don't wake up, they won't remember it in the morning.

I hope that helps! Take care and good luck!

(PS: Never apologize or be defensive about how you choose to parent. Everyone has their opinions about everything. Whatever you feel is right for your family, IS what's right for your family.)

I don't know what you have tried and your situation is a little different since you have a baby. I let my dd pick out some special stuff for her room, like new sheets and tried to make it really cozy. She took naps in there and I never demanded her to sleep in her room but gave her the choice of which room she wanted to be in. Eventually, she always choose her room on her own.

My nephew really switched when he found out other kids slept in their own room and if he wanted to be a big boy that's what he could do.

My dd is 2.5 and it seems her dreams get more and more realistic to her and she often wakes up crying about things that happened in her dream. I think maybe they have to learn how to tell the difference between dreams and reality.

A.,

Is is possible that she is having night terrors? Is she really awake when she's standing on her bed screaming or is she more asleep while she does it? My son was about 18 months old or so when he started with his night terrors. Out of nowhere he would let out this blood curdling scream that would stop my heart. I would be across the house in two steps or less. I'd pick him up and immediately he'd conform to my body and be snoring. He never really woke up during these episodes, but sure took some years off my life.

Another thought: is she afraid of the dark? Both my kids have gone through this, my daughter at 4 months old. We do the dimmer switch instead of the nightlight because the outlets are in the wrong places for the nightlight. That cured that issue as well.

If only kids came with an owner's manual with a huge troubleshooting section. :)

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I think that the move may be a bit of a contributor along with the new baby. Your daughter might be feeling "left out" and a little scared in her new room, even if she says she loves it. Stress in children can manifest in all different ways. We moved in to a new house this summer and my 3 year old son's reaction was to start biting his nails again (he had't for months) and he had several potty training accidents. I recommend putting her to bed in her own room, and then checking on her in lengthening intervals. Start at coming back in 5 minutes, then 10, then 15, as long as it takes for her to fall asleep and stay in bed. Eventually she'll tire out and stop waiting for you to come in. This worked for us when our son started having a fear of the dark. I feel for you - you must be exhausted.

A.,
My daughter had an almost identical reaction to our second childs birth. We put a toddler bed right next to our bed and she slept there while we made her room just irresistible. We would play there during the day and talk about how she was so lucky to have her own bed with the most squishiest blankies. We put lavender oil on her pillow and would often go in and say "oh my what a lovely bed it looks sooooo cozy", we had Gramma and Auntie repeat this mantra whenever they visited. Just let her take her time. I think it is probably both the new baby and the move.

We, too, did the family bed, and while it was a good thing for awhile, like you, we reached a point when we needed to be done. That's when I found that in the co-sleeping literature there's a whole lot less information on how to stop than on how to start. Anyway, here's what worked for us.

We started the separation process by putting our daughter on a futon on the floor next to our bed. After awhile we moved the futon to the foot of the bed. Then it went across the room. Then into her room. Then we went out and with great ceremony chose a "big girl bed" for her. We started this process when she was 2. We finished on her third birthday. It took about 6 months. But it did work, with minimal trauma.

If your daughter was sleeping on her own before the move, then she should be able to do so again, with help and patience from the rest of you. The movement and crying you mention may be something separate. My son did the same thing for awhile at around the same age. Could she be experiencing night terrors? Or could she need to pee and be on the verge of learning to wake up to do so? (That was my son's boggle - once I figured that out, I'd simply wake him up and carry him to the potty.)

Good luck. Just keep telling yourself to be patient, you will get through this, and this stage, like so many others, will pass.

Hi A.,
I have two little boys, 18 months and 33 months. The first one slept with me until about a month before the second one was born, and the second one until he was about 9 months (then he started waking up at 2am and wanting to play and pull my hair and poke me in the eyes). I have had to train them both to sleep in their own beds, and I have taken away my older son's binkie and bottle. What I have found is whatever change you want to make you just have to do it and stick it out and the first 1-4 days might be really hard, but kids adjust quick. I remember with my first, trying to get him in his own bed and he would cry and cry and I'd go in and give him a hug and sit by his crib then leave for a few minutes and go back. It would make me sick to my stomach to hear him cry like that, but my husband would remind me that if you don't stick with it and be consistant then you are just needlessly torturing him. That gave me the strength to go on and after just a few nights he would give a token cry for a minute as I left the room and then would fall asleep. If she can get out get some of the doorknob things so she can't open the door, and just stick to it. Even though you might miss the cuddling, you will be glad you did and you will enjoy her a lot more during the day if everyone had a good night sleep! One other thing I did was hang a string of Christmas lights around his room. This provided enough light for me to see for changing diapers at night or checking on him and he liked the pretty colors. Good luck!

Hi A.. First, the idea of a family bed is NOT a bad idea. It doesn't work for every family, but nothing does. I don't think having your little one share your bed caused her to have trouble sleeping. I would guess that you have a toddler who has gone through two huge changes in her young life, and she is dealing with the situation the way many her age would. Please give her some time to adjust to having a new baby in the home and to having a new home. It's tough for adults to deal with major changes in their lives, much less for a two-year-old. The worst part is that her stress and anxiety are showing their ugly heads at the worst possible times. I know you're tired and most likely need a break (for a few weeks!!) I think most moms can relate to that. But you will get through it. Try making a bed for her on the floor next to your bed. Make it as cozy as you can. Are you able to sit with her until she falls asleep? As her stress lessens, you can move the make-shift bed farther from your bed. Try to remember that, as tough as it is for you (and it IS sooo tough), it's even harder for your little girl. But it won't last forever. If it continues for much longer, you may want to mention it to your pediatrician. There may be something she or he can suggest. You can do it, A.! You're far from alone - I promise. Good luck!

You've just got to bite the bullet and put her in her own room, and listen to her cry. If she gets up and comes back into yoru room, you carry her back to hers. You have to establish a good bedtime routine, that will help as well. Read her books in her room, sing songs she likes in her room. Or even have a CD of good night time music that she can play that will lull her to sleep in her own bed. Even if she wakes up a couple times of night, you gotta start somewhere. Unfortunately it is never easy to break a habit. But your and your husbands sleep is so crucial, to being good parents...especially when you have an infant! So develop a routine, and stick to it, that is my best advice to you! Good luck!

She is at the common age where they return to bed, plus you have the baby in bed, so she might feel left out if she has to go to her own room and everyone else is sleeping together. You might want to try a transitional solution to start. We put our daughter in her own bed right next to ours. This gave us more room and allowed her to feel close to us. Then, it will be easier to make the move to her own room as she gets used to being separated later on. I would also keep it very positive. Say things like you are such a good girl and we are proud of you for sleeping in your own bed. You are so lucky to have your own room, etc, etc.

If you really think moving wasn't the problem, then why wouldn't she be sleeping in her new room all by herself already? What were the circumstances that brought her back into your bed? I have a 2 year old and an 8 month old and I am so thoroughly burned out with the two kids and lack of sleep, this resonates with me well!!!
We moved right before my son's second birthday, my baby was five months old. His sleep got pretty messed up in our new home. He started sleeping with my husband on our futon.
We learned that he reached the age of negotiation. Your daughter is smart enough to know what is going on. There is a baby with mom and dad in bed, the new home may have a lot of cool things, but it is new territory and a little scary. Explain, explain, explain. Do a little ceremony or ritual with her to make her room feel safe. Involve stuffed animals/blankies/etc. and tell her she is a big girl now and she has to sleep in her room. Just come up with something creative and special for her to make her new room SOOO cool. But not too mysterious- explore it together, put special things all over so it is nice and comfy. She needs to KNOW her space. Explain why it is important every night if you have to. Just let her know what is going on. If she wakes up crying, just put her back to bed and DO NOT make a big deal of it, interact as little as possible and just do it over and over and after a couple of nights it will definitely stick. I know this because I HATE HATE HATE tears more than any other human, but after a few nights of some tears and a lot more sleep for me, all I can wonder is why I didn't do it sooner.
Congrats on your baby... Does your two year old nap? That is my problem! Argh.
Good luck. I feel your pain.

We went through a very similar experience a few weeks after we moved this past summer. Our oldest daughter was 2 and 1/2, our baby was 6 months. Our oldest started thrashing in her sleep, fighting bedtime, crying for us in the middle of the night, and coming into our room for comfort. She, too, seemed to be adjusting to the move so well we didn't think that could be it. We tried everything from indulging her, inviting her to sleep with us, to "tough love" insisting that she stay in her bed. Nothing seemed to work! This went on for a couple months and we were certain there was something wrong. We tried to figure it out and finally just let her lead, sensing that she needed to work through something. Eventually she started asking to sleep in the hall. I thought this was ridiculous but allowed it to see what would happen. After a few night of this she asked to sleep in the office.. again, we let her set up a sleepingbag in the office, realizing that she was at least working her way out of our room on her own. Finally she began asking to sleep in her own room and has been there for the past month or so. Yea!
I'm not really offering advice necessarily, just relating and empathizing. Those first couple months were quite frustrating as we tried to figure out why she was upset at night and what to do about it. Even now, we're not exactly sure what was up but it was good to read about your recent issues and the fact that you had recently moved. We also considered that might have been the issue.
No advice, but I encourage you that others have also tried to work through this sort of thing and "it too shall pass". I'm sorry for your lack of sleep and hope nighte will be more restful for you all soon! Good luck :)