Seeking Moms with Ideas of How to Deal with an Angry 5 Year Old

Those comments would be mean if you said them, but they are not mean when coming from a 5 year old. They may be hurtful, but she does not mean to be mean. She knows she is a princess because you tell her how wonderful she is, and she really believes it. She is simply enlightening her friends.
You need to stop punishing her and teach her empathy. Explain to her that it hurts her friends' feelings when she says those things and that if she hurts her feelings, she won't want to play with her anymore. Roll play at home. Let her know you are roll playing so you don't hurt her feelings, but ask her how she would feel if you said she wasn't as pretty as you, or that your picture is better than hers, etc...
Basically, she is absolutely age appropriate and just needs to learn when to keep her mouth shut to spare other people's feelings. Explain to her what types of things might hurt other's feelings like saying someone is fat, or not as good as her.

There are some good suggestions here. I would like to add a couple.

Part of our job as adults is to empower our children while staying out of their business. That is, unless the child who is being criticized decides to do/say something about this situation, we need to butt out. When/if your daughter's friend has 'had enough', that's the point at which you or her mom can do some coaching. "I don't like when you tell me my drawing's not as good as yours." or "I don't like to play with you when you boss me around. I'm going to play by myself until you can use nice words." We can encourage our children to decide what's important *to them*, and then to express how they are feeling to their peers. Censure is far more effective coming from a peer than from adults. Your daughter may just view your opinions as "mom" stuff; likewise, her friend is being rescued when she instead needs to be empowered to stand up for herself.

If this is something you are comfortable with trying, talk to your friend and let her know that you'd like to try this new approach of letting the kids figure this out. Most children, by the way, do grow out of this "I'm better than everyone" phase, and while it's annoying as heck, it's kind of the girls version of a spitting contest.

The other thing I would consider is a book entitled "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Some areas even have workshops on the ideas presented in this book, as they have proven to be extremely effective in family relationships. The tools in this book will encourage your daughter to share about the other things in her life, and help her to come to friendly conclusions about other people's feelings all on her own, with just a bit of active listening on your part. It's made an enormous difference in how I work with children, and the kids certainly learn more from their having worked their problems and puzzles out on their own than they ever would have, had I just told them what I thought they needed to know!

Best wishes!

Hi S.,
I also have a daughter who is turning five this week. She has that same attitude sometimes. I have found myself trying to punish her for acting that way with no results. I think that just as with adults, what is in your heart comes out in your actions. I have tried to change my focus from punishing to incouraging kindness. When I hear her say something like " I can do that better that you." I try to give her the words to say something encouraging to her friend. You could explain to her briefly that her words could hurt her friends feelings and teach her to say something that is positive. Also, be very cautious of how you or whoever is her main caregiver speaks to other people. Try not to be to hard on her, it is difficult for adults to control there tongue a lot of the time and she is only five. Social graces will come with time and practice.

The statements you listed are normal at this age. They are still learning about ownership. They also are still unsocialized beings. They just blurt out whatever they're thinking or feeling.

There is also most likely competition between the 2 girls. This is normal too.

Punishment does not change the behavior. They don't know how to be polite and make polite statements. They also don't connect their jealous statements to the time out, removing things, etc. When you think about it what does the time out tell her. It tells her she has done something wrong but a time out, etc. doesn't teach her how to relate differently. She is expressing how she feels. It will be a several more years before she'll be able to consistently control the way she expresses her thoughts and feelings.

That doesn't mean you should ignore what she says but I think you'll find that she'll behave better if you teach instead of discipline; especially when the discipline is unrated to the behavor. I would say something like "both of your pictures are good" and then perhaps talk about the pictures. If your daughter is still boastful you can acknowledge how she feels by saying "I hear that you think your picture is better. But (the other girl) also thinks her picture is better so we'll call both pictures the best." Then perhaps tape up both pictures. Or tell your daughter that you'll put her picture on the fridge when you get home.

When you do this you are modeling for her what you want her to learn. You are also acknowledging her feelings. When you treat this as a learning opportunity you reduce the anger. You describe her statements as angry ones. Perhaps she is angry because she knows she's not supposed to brag but she doesn't know a polite way to talk about her picture. The time outs etc. reinforce the anger. She feels that you don't understand how she feels.

When she says my picture is better than yours she's making a statement that communicates what she believes about her picture. She may also be expressing criticism (anger). She is in competition with the other 5 year old.

Doesn't the other 5 year old say similar things? How does her mother handle it? Often we mothers want our children to be seen as polite because on some level we believe that if they're not being "nice" it reflects negatively on our parenting. The truth is that they do not know how to express themselves in a polite way. Their brain has not matured enough for the nuances of language. Language is quite complex. At 5 kids are still at the beginning of knowing language and how to communicate. So we teach them and they gradually learn how to be polite.

If the two girls are not getting along and this is your daughter's way of expressing her unhappiness then it's appropriate to separate them. It sounds like they spend quite a bit of time together and much of this time is at the other girl's house. Your daughter may be feeling that she has to assert herself so that she feels "equal" to the other girl.

When she says "you're not saying that word correctly" she is probably saying what adults say to her.

If the other girl isn't upset about what your daughter says I recommend letting them work it out. The other girl probably says "my picture is better." If no one pays attention they may move on to another activity or subject. They "understand" each other because they both communicate in a similar manner. They will have verbal disagreements because they are learning how to get along with others. Then they receive natural consequences. One of them may say, "you're not my friend anymore!" And the other one may say it back or may have her feelings hurt. Then is the time to separate them. If your daughter is angry, say to her "sounds like you're angry so lets have a cooling off time."

Kids will say mean things to each other, hurt each other's feelings, say they're not friends or you can't play with my toy. This is all a part of learning how to get along with each other. It's normal. It's the adult's role to validate feelings and be sympathetic. Some of the time the adult can model a more polite way of saying something or a more direct approach to expressing one's feelings. For example, when intervening you could say, "sure looks to me that you're angry. Must be time to do something else." Kids can be distracted so that the negative play gets turned into something more positive. If they can't be distracted then it's a natural consequence to be separated.

If the boasting and/or angry words are not causing difficulty between the 2 girls it's best to ignore it. We reinforce behavior by giving it attention. When you discipline/punish her she may feel that this is a big deal that she doesn't understand. So she'll keep repeating it as she tries to figure out what is going on. She may realize at some point that she's not to talk that way but she has no other way to express her feelings. Her feelings are normal. She just needs to learn how to express them differently. It takes many years for kids to be able to consistently do that. Some adults never learn.

As to having no friends she will have friends. Most of the kids her age say the same things. I volunteer for playground duty and I see kids fighting, even saying "I hate you and then 5 minutes later they're back to playing together."

Hi S.!
Have you ever read the book "Parenting With Love & Logic" or taken one of the Love & Logic courses? The love & logic philosophy is to train kids for the real world. They recommend to give a huge dose of empathy (and be sincere) and then "make the time fit the crime".

My suggestion would be to let her know that it's really sad when she treats her friend that way (and it makes her friend sad to) and if she acts that way around her "best" friend, then she won't be able to play with her. If she does it again, tell her that the next time mommy goes to work - or just to visit the best friend - that she will have to stay home & that you will be having someone else babysit her. (Don't have this babysitter be the "fun" type, either - this is the type of person that will keep her safe, but not make the time a "blast". That way your daughter really thinks about her actions and the consequences of them.)

I had to do something similar with my 4 1/2yr old son & it only took one time with the "other" babysitter.....since then, he's only needed gentle reminders and his behavior has really immproved. I hope things work out for you!

P.S.
I believe that the best thing we can do for our kids is to guide them, support them, and love them. Don't make this your problem...if she ends up with no friends, well at least you have done your part. Give the control back to her...help guide by giving her suggestions/ideas and then give the problem back to her and let her make the choice on how she's going to deal. Change her attitude and play nice - or watch mommy go have fun with "our friends" while she stays at home - safe, warm & fed but not exactly out having a good time.

I had the same problem for awhile and in my case it was jealousy. We spent a lot of time of just the two of us and when another person came into the picture she would act up. I tried everything,as you have,before I realized what caused it. We talked about it and I talked to her about how much I loved her but did not like the way she was behaving. We discussed how she would feel if I talked to her that way. She was defiant so in the end I informed her that she would not be able to have friends over if she was not nice but that I would still have my friends over. We decided to try and have her friends over but I planned it where I would do projects with them and if she started being mean she would have to leave for a period of time(the time would incease each time if she continued) and we would continue. It was a lot of trial and error but she finally got the message. She especially hated having to sit in her room or in a chair near by while I baked cookies with her friend.With time I left them alone more and more. We would then sit and talk about why it happened. Every child is different so good luck. You sound like a wonderful Mom.

If you can stand some amateur psychoanalysis based on a lifetime, 54 years, of experience it sounds as if your daughter has a self-esteem problem, meaning low self-esteem. Sometimes no matter how much we try to build our kids up they still feel inadequate and very often their inadeqaucy can trigger a high level of competitiveness in them. When our self-esteem is low we can oftentimes try to make ourselves feel better about who we are by pointing out to others that they are inferior to us. It happens every day and on some level with most people. As an adult one can recognize it and change but as a child they don't have those reasoning skills yet.

I don't have an answer but perhaps you might want to look into ways to effectively help your daughter build up her self-esteem so she doesn't feel it necessary to constantly show others that she is prettier, more talented and smarter than they are.

Good Luck,
C.

Hi S.,

I am so grateful for your question. My five year old son has turned mean, rude, snotty and defiant almost over night. At first, his behavior hadn't changed at his day care/school but the teachers have noticed it again. I suspect allergies (I've heard dairy allergies can lead to behavior problems) and am taking him to a naturopath. I did discover his Vitamin D levels were really low (which can also lead to moodiness and the blues). I've put him on 1000IU's and his attitude has improved, though certainly not as much as I'd like. Other parents have told me they think it's just a "growth" thing and their 5 year olds went through it to but I can't put up with it any more. He's especially rude to me and that really drives me crazy! Good luck and I'm looking forward to hearing what the other parents said.

Parenting with Love and Logic would be a great one to check out. In the mean time, consider how you are disciplining her- tv and time-outs don't have anything to do with the actual behavior. As soon as you hear it, pull her aside. Ask her how she would feel if someone said those things to her. Ask her what she could say to her friend that is nice. Tell her that you will have to think of what you are going to do about it the next time you hear her say mean words, then do just that- think about what you will do. Make sure it relates the behavior. If you work with her, she may be able to help you come up with an idea. You'd be surprised how kids will come up with their own consequences. If you choose to do this, ask her what she thinks you should do about it and come up with a plan together. This way she will not only own her behavior, but she will know what will happen if she chooses to be mean again. It even works with my fourth graders. Don't try this with teenagers, but it works with little ones.

There are several things you can do. Punishing her is proper at the moment, but it won't stop the behavior. Often times, when a child demonstrates negative behavior, it is because they want to communicate something but don't have the skill. (After all, she's 5) If there was a loss in the family or a move or any other number of non-"normal" changes can really upset the young. I would start there. Low self esteem might also be a factor. Compliment her on her hair. Tell her how nice her pictures and artwork are.

Hope this helped! -C.

My son has behaving this way for quiet some time. He's pretty much a very loving child, but has been talking this way towards his teachers, friends, and family. I started explaining it to him the best way I knew how...that in order for him to have friends and for people to want to be around him, he needs to use nice words and have nice hands. If he keeps it up, he will be known as a bully. Bullies don't have friends. No one wants to be friends with a bully because bullies hurt peoples feelings and don't care. My son realized that he doesn't want to be left out. He loves his friends and didn't want to be thought of this way. He still does it every now and then, but very minimal. Try getting a book on talking nice and how it hurts others.

S.,

Your little girl sound like my son. He is also five and I'm constantly yelling at him to talk nicely to me, my husband and his 2 year old sister.

All day long I hear "No <insert sister's name> that's mine!" "You have to ask first" "Chop, I cut you in half/little bits" "OUT!" "I SAID OUT!!" and so on and so forth.

I think getting mouthy is part of being 5. I remember my now 7 year old nephew getting mouthy/back talking at 5. Another niece that is six months older than my son is also a bossy, mouthy 5 year old.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Have you tried reading books about friendship and how words can hurt. I know it sounds corny, but it might help for her so see how mean words hurt people. The only book i have right now is "Words are not for hurting", but I know there are a lot of them out there. Talk to her teacher if she is in school and see if the teacher has some reccomendations on books or other things to try. Good Luck! Also, positive reinforcement when she is being nice to her friends might help also.

I signed my five year old up for karate. Wow. Has this been a great experience! The karate instructor is all about courtesy and respect. The kids get great exercise. And my five year old just tested and earned the yellow belt.