Seeking Mothers Advice with Teenagers

I understand being stressed and the thoughts you are having about leaving. I think a separation from your husband would only make things worse for the 13 year old. It seems obvious to me that she is struggling with self-esteem issues and acceptance. She is doing these things because she feels that she needs to in order to keep her new friend. I think the friend needs help and if I were in your place, I would involve myself with the foster family, encouraging them to help her. But your daughter needs to feel accepted. You should talk with her about acceptance, right and wrong ways to get it, and set serious boundaries for her actions. Leaving her would only add abandonment to her long list of crazy emotions and could push her further along the wrong path. As tough as it seems for you right now, she's at the hardest age there is. She's right between child and woman. She's overflowing with hormones, emotions, body changes and she's very unsure how to feel and react to things. In the midst of all that craziness, she's in an environment that is so cruel with young teens judging and criticizing. She needs you to be there for her now more than ever. As for the advice you were given about hiding your money...I think that person had a bad experience. I think you definitely need to talk to your husband about his participation with his daughter. Maybe you can explain to him what 13 year old girls go through and maybe you and he can make a plan and work on it together. I don't know anything about your relationship with your husband, but I wouldn't leave him due to this. Helping eachother through hard times is what family is all about. It can only make you stronger when you come out the other side...and you will. I promise it won't be like this forever as long as you give her the love she deserves and stay involved in her life. Adult support is a major key to staying on the right path and especially if you steer her in the right direction now before it's too late. I wish your family all the best and I hope you find a way to work together.

S.

Hi J.,

Wow how stressful.... My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you and your family. I would say talk to your child. Try diligently to get to the root cause of the behavior. She may be reacting to something going on in the family, who knows... But, first discuss why the behavior is occuring. Is she needing more attention, just frustrated or angry? If you find out the cause you can fix the issue or problem and the negative behavior will subside and be replaced in a positive way with behavior that is acceptable. There are several options for talking things through. You can have a one on one chat with your child. Or, you can discuss going to family therapy to have a mediator and try to work on things with your husband. You can also seek counseling yourself as well. Having been through much therapy in my life, I can say it is great to talk to someone and work through things. Blessings to you and your family.

Katherine

Hi J.!
It sounds like you really have a LOT on your plate! I agree with everything Sushine wrote. It was very heartfelt :)

If your husband is working all the time, then maybe you can turn your full time job into a part time job and spend some time at your daughter's school. I think getting involved with their lives is the best way to bond with teenagers. (They certainly don't want to get involved in OUR lives, right?)

I spent one day per week at my daughter's school, helping out in the lunch room and also out on the playground after lunch - I got to know the other kids a little, the teachers a little. It was nice to be able to understand WHO my daughter was talking about when she would mention someone at school. Also, if she knows YOU KNOW the teachers and principal on a more social basis, I'll bet she'll think twice before skipping school. As a young-teenager, she is still trying to figure out who she is going to be - trying to latch onto another human that she can bond with.

Sounds like her dad isn't really available - you are gone full-time - and have your little ones that I'm sure takes up WAY too much time when you come home tired from work...where does that leave her?

I was in pretty much the same situation growing up. The teenager may feel left out, unimportant. Personally, if my mom had made time to get involved with my life, it would have made a WORLD of difference.

Rule of thumb: There is no such thing as too many hugs - even if she acts like she hates it - There is no such thing as too many times saying "I love you", even if she roles her eyes! That is the teenager's job! Yours (and Dad's) is to give unconditional love even when the kid is acting like they couldn't care less. That's when they NEED it the most.

I know that sounds cliche! I guess it is a cliche because it is true so often!! :) When you truly SHOW you care, you'll be amazed at how quickly she softens up toward you and the rules. She'll have more respect for you and herself - Probably not overnight, though!

If you leave your husband over this - that girl will just feel more tossed-around. For you to ask for advice here regarding her, shows that you really want to help. She's lucky to have you in her life.

I recognize several issues in your message. I don't know where to start. You must be feeling crazy.

Your step-daughter has many things going on that are difficult for all of you. First, moving to a new school rarely improves a teens behavior. Having to make new friends, getting used to a new school, a new teacher, a new neighborhood is all difficult. The way you put this it sounds like she was already having difficulty at the old school.

It is difficult to make friends, especially during the teen years. Teens are so self-conscious and are experiencing new feelings. They form cliques and tend to be critical of anyone different from themselves. Just by being new your step-daughter is different. I'm not surprised that she and the foster daughter became friends. Both are on the outside. The foster daughter probably has even more serious issues than your step-daughter but I wouldn't blame her for the girls staying at your house. Even if it was her idea, and do you even know that to be true, your step-daughter should know how to say no.

Since she was involved with skipping school I suggest that she needs help adjusting to this new school. She needs help building up her sense that she is a good girl who can be successful in this school. Have you talked with her teacher(s)and the school counselor?" I think that you, your husband, and your daughter need some professional help. There are too many issues to resolve before you can even know if a divorce will help.

Even tho you are not legally her mother you are her mother. For you to leave now would be devastating to her sense of security. She is having problems now because she doesn't feel secure. Never suggest to her that you are considering divorce. That is an adult issue and should not be caused by difficulty with children. If you do eventually decide to get a divorce the reason will be that you and your husband have a poor relationship. The children's difficulties contribute to it but it's not the main cause.

A divorce will also negatively affect your other 2 children. It will take away some of their sense of security especially if the aren't able to see their father regularly. It can set them up for the same problems that you step-daugher has.

I have been the "ugly" stepmother to a grade school boy. His father is passive and would not participate in rules and discipline and then would also undermine my efforts. We were married for 6 years and participated in counseling for a couple of years. We weren't able to work it out and I did leave with my daughter. But we gave it a good try with professional help. You will only know if your situation can be worked out after you get help.

I imagine that your husband is just as overwhelmed as you are and handles it with work and silence. Or he's critical of what you do.
My ex was critical and it was only after I left that I realized he had reason to be. I overcompensated for his lack of involvement by being angry and too involved in a negative way.

One of the first things that will help you is to learn about teen development and how to provide a useful structured environment for her. This includes a few reasonable rules and related consequences when they are not followed. Discipline needs to be consistent and as matter of fact as possible. This will be difficult for you because you are already frustrated and angery. Yes it would help if her father would participate but if he won't but he will stay out of it you can still do it. Idealy he will approved the plan and not be critical of your efforts in front of the children. Forming rules and consequences is difficult at any age but especially at 13, if she hasn't grown up with unemotional consistent rules and consequences.

What you're facing is a family makeover. Leaving your husband and his daughter at this point will most likely have more negative affects than positive. All of you, including you have a part in what is happening now. You need more skills to deal with teens. And if you haven't started with rules and consequences You need to learn how to make and enforce rules for your children too. They need them now before they become difficult children. They need to have a stable home. They need to have a consistent relationship with their father. They need the security of knowing that you won't give them away like you did their half-sister if they misbehave.

All of you need stable warm relationships. When someone has as many difficulties as it sounds like you and your husband have you need marriage counseling. If he won't go, go yourself and find out if the marriage can be saved. When you change the way you feel and act others will change too. And if at the end you decide on a divorce, a counselor can help you plan that so that there as little damage as possible.

If you don't have insurance to cover counseling go to the County Mental Health Clinic. Inquire about reduced fees at other clinics. Ask the school for help with the step-daughter.

Ways to get her involved at school would be to find out what sort of clubs they have in which she might be interested. Arrange for one of the girls in that club to introduce her and give her support. This is where the school counselor or another staff member can be of help.

The foster mother may be able to help you find resources and may also be able to make suggestions that will help. If she's a State Certified Foster Parent she has had some training in teen issues. It is also possible that her foster daughter is in counseling and that counselor could help you find counseling that you can afford.

I learned of my favorite books on raising children thru my training as a foster parent. Here is the web site: www.loveandlogic.com/

I hope that you can get started with some professional help. I couldn't have raised my foster/adopted daughter without help.

J., you're in a tough spot and I feel for you. This is a really complex bundle of problems you are presenting, and to some extent, your stepdaughter is just being a normal kid for her age - losing interest in everything around her is (for many kids) part of the process of stepping back and evaluating her life now that she's getting old enough to think about it. There's an awful lot to figure out about modern life, and being a stepdaughter with a mostly-missing father could be the source of quite a bit of confusion and inner conflict for her as well.

She needs loving support, and you do, too. It's not easy (surprise!) to be the step-parent of a child going through all that. She may well be reacting to a feeling of abandonment, as are you. And jealousy, because you will, reasonably, be taking up some of her father's attention when he is around. And of course, the issue of authority looms large in this age group, as it should. Ideally, kids are learning how to internalize authority as they enter their teens, and that it tricky territory for both them and their parents.

There are a few things you can do with a child this age, and most of them start with you working on yourself.

It sounds to me like you might be enabling your husband to be an absent father and a workaholic by trying your best to take up the family slack yourself. You don't say how long you've been married, but I'll bet this situation is almost as old as your marriage, and getting worse as your stepdaughter enters her teens. If there's any way to get you, the married couple, into counseling, do it with haste. If your husband is too "busy," at least get counseling for yourself. The more you understand how to be the person you want to be, the better you can model this for your stepdaughter, and the more firmly you can ask your husband for the support you deserve, and the more likely you will have success as you undertake the hard work of helping to raise his daughter.

If you can get counseling for her, and/or family counseling for the three of you, do that, too. It helps communication to have a calm guide present as you work through family issues. That doesn't guarantee she'll respond, but it increases your chances.

If you and the foster-mother can get together and coordinate your expectations of your daughters, that could be helpful. Plus, the two of you can share some mutual support.

I could never afford counseling as a young mom, and fell back on a number of excellent books on parenting and communication. I'm sure even better ones are available now. You might check out your local library. I know it's hard to squeeze in reading on top of all your other demands, but it might be the best 20 minutes a day you can spend, helping not only with your step daughter, but your younger children as well.

And no matter how much effort you make on behalf of yourself and your step-daughter, it may not appear to help, at least in the immediate future. I spent most of a year trying to foster parent a 13-year-old girl who had some of the same behavior as your daughter. The experience seemed to be a dismal failure at the time, and I was in despair. However, years later, this young woman came to visit me with her young son, thanking me for the modeling of parenting she had received in my family. She was using that experience as a springboard for changing her life as she began the adventure of parenting. So even failure isn't necessarily final.

That was also the year I had just remarried, and my own 13-year-old daughter decided she hated her new stepdad. It was a challenging time for us all, but my husband is now a good friend and hero to my grown daughter. This would probably never have happened without constant, patient and open-hearted effort from both me and my husband (privatley, he cried often in frustration, but he was a saint toward my daughter). A lot of negative messages were coming in from my first husband, and my poor daughter was terribly confused and resentful of her new circumstances.

J., you are the only one who knows how much you can endure. And you are the only one who can decide what a good family life looks like for you. Please get help in clarifying those issues. That is possibly the best first step you can take.

Blessings, child. I will be holding your family in my prayers.

Hello,
I am in a similar situation with my husbands 16yr old daughter she is not movated to do any thing except have a boyfriend. Is there a counslor or another uninvolved adult that she could talk to I know that sometimes that helps also have you inrolled her in some sort of after school activity such as a dance class. youth group or camp fire or girlscouts?

I can relate with how you're feeling. My 13 year old, which is actually mine(not a step daughter) has been grounded almost all year with bad grades, talking back. I really can't give advice I probably need some too but I just wanted you to know that I feel your pain.

Wow, easy solution for you. That's not your daughter. It's your husband's and another woman's. You're not even old enough to be her mother, so I wouldn't count on her respecting your authority. This is why step families are so complicated. It's probably hard enough for your husband and the girl's mother (assuming she's in contact with her daughter to some extent) to agree on things, and must be incredibly hard for three or four if there's a step-father also trying to parent.

If your husband's mostly absent, maybe your step-daughter should live with her mother if she would be a more available parent in her life? But, again, I wouldn't count on gaining her respect. She's probably resentful of essentially losing both her biological parents (with her father gone so much) and having to submit to the authority of someone with only a handful of years on her, on top of having just switched schools and trying to make new friends.

If her mother is not available for her, or even if she is, I'd put a heavy focus on her time with her father. He should try to take her out alone, no siblings or step-mother, at least a couple times a month, if not every week, doing whatever it is that she likes to do most with him. Read the "Five Love Languages for Children" to help figure her out if you're not sure how it is that she feels loved the most.

You're in a difficult situation. Good luck.

If you are serious about leaving him have a plan. Seperate your money from his and get your money going into a seperate account first before you tell him. People can be vindictive. Tell him he needs to be more a part of the family or you might have to quit your job (even if you don't plan on doing it.) I take it since he works all the time you manage everything else including the money. Start looking for help with the blue pages of the phone book get counseling to help make your plan of escape. Even if you decide not to use it, this might go a long way in letting him know how serious you are about the change he needs to make. Let him know he will be raising his own daughter if you divorce and paying heafty child support for the other two children.