Seeking Much Needed Advice

I know it's hard to get a day away--but could you go help out in the classroom, or just visit for a whole day? When my son was in preschool (towards the end of the year) I went and discovered that the kids he adored--that he talked about all the time--ignored and slighted him. There were other kids that seemed to really like him--but he wasn't picking up on the signals. So I arranged play dates with one of those kids instead, and it went really well.

Maybe invite 2 or 3 other kids from her class to play or meet at the park or something? Maybe she just needs a little help making friends in her class.

Are you in Bellingham? If so, let's have a play date at a park or something with my kindergarten girl and see if it takes.

What does her teacher say about what happens at school? I would work closely with the teacher. If you can take time off from work I'd also spend an hour or two observing in the classroom or on the playground. If friendships are as difficult as your daughter is portraying them the teacher will also be concerned.

Is it possible that your daughter is especially sensitive about being in a more structured and demanding classroom?
Does she need some help with learning some social skills that can be used in a structured group? Or perhaps she's still feeling insecure after making the change?

I think the first thing for you to do is to talk more with the teacher. If the school has a counseler talk with her/him. My granddaughter and a friend were having difficulties at school and the counselor formed a friendship group to help them learn ways to handle stress and be friends. This group happened because parents expressed their concerns to the counselor and teachers.

I would also give my daughter lots of positive support. In this case that means to sympathize with her feelings while encouraging her to try behaving in ways that will help her make friends. After talking with the teacher you'll know what to suggest for your daughter. It's important to not put down other kids or to agree with her when she says such things as "no one will play with me." You could say, "it sure does feel like no one will play with you." Keep in mind that your daughter is expressing how she feels. Her feelings may be related to events from the whole day but she may also be feeling that way as the result of one thing that happened that day.

After listening to and validating her feelings change directions and do something fun with her. Don't let the pity party go on for longer than 5-10 minutes.

Later, talk about friends in general in a casual way as you're doing something else. Talk about friends that she had in preschool and what they did to have fun. Relate that to school today. Use general terms. Ask about the kids in her class. Find out names. Ask what they look like. Ask what the kid is like. Try to make it a general conversation and not a "quiz" session. You may need to start out very slowly. When you talk about the kids in the class you are guiding her to realize that these are kids just like her in many respects. You are also helping her learn about an individual child's interests, abilities so that you can show her how she can get involved with this kid.

My granddaughter frequently cried when I picked her up after school in Kindergarten and first grade. My sense is that she had to hold in all the emotions that went thru her during the day. Once she was with me she felt safe enough to let them out.

Things happened during the day that upset her. Some kids, more than others, feel hurt when someone doesn't want to play with them right now. That same kid will want to play at another time but my granddaughter focused on this one event. She felt like this girl didn't like her and wouldn't ever play with her again. Drama begins early. It's not just teens who have it.

I do lunch playground duty once a week. I would see a child asking another child to play and that child say no. I realized that the reason the other child said no is that the asking child was asking her to play something different than what the group was already playing. When I see that I suggest to the "rejected" child that she ask to play with the other child or the group; to play whatever they're playing. That usually works.

Sometimes I notice a younger child standing alone looking wistfully at a group. I tell that child what the group is doing and suggest she join them. Just start out running with them. The kindergarten and 1st grade kids do a lot of chasing. Frequently one child will poke another child on the shoulder and say chase me. My granddaughter was sometimes disappointed because the other child said no. I suggested to her that she chase the one child instead of asking to be chased. She runs up to them and says, I'm chasing you. That usually works. If that child doesn't run, she tries another child.

Perhaps your daughter is shy and doesn't want to chase or be chased. I was like that at that age. The other activity this age likes is to play pretend. They pretend the play structure is a fire station and each kid declares his role as the play goes on. From there they act out a scenerio which they "define" as they go. There is rarely any discussion about what will happen or who does what. They just ad lib as they go. It appears that kids who don't start at the beginning get involved later by declaring that they are a certain character and joins the group. Sometimes kids drop out to do other things. The group is very loose in make up.

Every once in awhile I do see shy, withdrawn looking kids either playing by themselves or standing on the side lines. I try to be friendly with them and they usually withdraw. I don't know how to help them. Sometimes a teacher can get them playing.

My granddaughter is now in the third grade. Over the years I've seen all of her teachers and teachers on the playground help students get involved with others. A large part of teaching is teaching social skills. Skills seem to come naturally for some kids and are difficult for others. It seems to me that most of the ones that had difficulty are doing alright by the third grade.

Many children are quiet and followers. Sometimes they think that they should be different; perhaps be one of the social kids in the middle of everything. I think what helps is for every child to accept who they are and learn how to use their abilities without trying to be just like someone else. If that might be part of your daughter's unhappiness, help her accept that she doesn't have to be in the "social" group that seems to get all the attention. Leaders need followers.

Perhaps the group dynamics are different in Kindergarten than they were in Preschool. Perhaps your daughter was a leader and now isn't. Perhaps someone in preschool was a special friend whose friendship helped her feel more secure and she hasn't found someone special in this group. Even if there are some of the same kids in kindergarten that were in preschool the dynamics will be different.

Every child makes adjustments. It's possibble that your daughter is having difficulty making the adjustments. Some kids need more time when things change. And some need help finding their place in the group. Her teacher or the aide will help you find a way to help your daughter.

Since you work you may have difficulty getting to know her teacher. Most teachers will make an appointment with you after your work hours. Once you and the teacher know each other you can talk with each other by phone or e-mail. Do keep in mind that there are at least 25 kids in the classroom and some schools don't have teacher's aides. The teacher may not be able to spend as much time with you as you'd like or even need. Perhaps there is someone else who can help you. I've learned a lot from other parents. This group will help. However, a parent of a child in your daughter's classroom could be a great help. Especially so if they have older children and have been thru this before.

Your daughter will be fine. I remember being much like her in first grade. I was shy and sensitive; seldom played in groups. I frequently went home and cried. My mother listened to my concerns, reassured me that she loved me, held me and listened. She was also shy but she talked often with my teachers over the years and helped smooth the way when I didn't know what to do. She focused on me; not on "those kids" who I thought were mean. Over the years she repeated, "This too shall pass." I learned from her that even tho something feels tragic at the moment good times are ahead. As a result I became an outgoing adult. I've gained confidence over many years. Life is a process.

My 6 yr old has had and still has the same issues. I had to take a step way back and actually sit and watch how she interacts with others. Once I did that and found out that no, no one was picking on her, they did like her etc.. but thought she was rude. I point blank told her. No one is going to play with you if you act like or do this. It took her a long time, but she has started getting it. She would come home crying almost every day and cried before school and did not want to go etc... We spent the whole summer working on her habits and this school yr she is doing better. She still slips, but gentle reminder fixes things.

I really do not think she knew or even understood what she was doing- every child is about me me me and some figure out before others that the world is not all about them.

May not be an issue with your daughter, but I remember when I was a single mom with 2 little girls- I barely had time to breath. With trying to keep roof over head and belly full and all the other single parent worries, sometimes the little things get pushed aside or not even thought of.
It may be worth it to sit back and watch your child.

Good for you,K.- this should not be ignored--- . So, here's my suggestion--- start e-mailing her teacher your concerns ( you'll see why in a minute) - say ''' I feel we need to sit down with whatever counselor or Psychologist serves your school and come up with a plan to address this -- can we meet by January 20th?, please? - Do let me know when would work for you''''' --- or whatever words fall out for YOU -- then--- if you get no response in a week- you print up the letter and hand - carry it into the school to the principal - and say ''' I really need some action on this''' -- the point of the e-mail is to lay a paper trail and demonstrate what responses you are getting- if any. That way- the school cannot say ''' we've solved the problem-''' - as you have proof of their response - or lack of it. Please use as much praise and positives with the staff as possible- not the butter them up--- but because being a teacher is NO small task ( retired 18 months ago and miss it terribly) --. But truly- something needs to happen.

Blessings,
J. aka- Old Mom

Have faith in her and show it. Remind her of all the people that love her and that you know in time she will love kindergarten. Sometimes we have to let our little ones have hardships so they know they can persevere during hard times and that things do get better. Just hug her and have empathy like you're doing and if the teacher says something then address it at the time. Remind her that she's at school and kids have been taught not to goof off while learning and maybe kids are just painting or writing next her. She can clarify by saying: Hi, I'm _______. Do you want to sit near me at lunch or play at recess? By giving her some ideas that are simple to try she will have success. Remind her that other kids may be shy or nervous about kindergarten too. Good luck.

Kids can be cruel, with that said.... To have friends, you must be a friend. What does she like to do and does she ask others to join her or does she stand back and wait to be asked to join others? Because she's going to kindergarten are there kids in your neighborhood that she played with during the summer or after school, these would give her a friend foundation at school. Ask her if she would like to have 2 classmates over for a playdate on a Saturday or go to a movie (Bolt, Bedtime Stories, etc.) In order to survive, she's going to have to toughen up a bit and realize that people don't dislike her, they don't know her... so she has to introduce herself and ask them to play with her. Operative word here is 'ask', not tell. There's alot going on in kindergarten. When she comes home and breaks your heart with her tales of abandonment on the playground, she's got your undivided attention. Every day you should ask her to tell you one good thing that happened at school each day. Do this for a week or two, then increase the number of good things to 2 every day. Again, she has to be a friend to have friends, so have her do the asking on the playground and in the neighborhood. It will make a huge difference.

Hi K. - I think you've gotten some good advice for how to tackle it. Here's just a comment on what you should consider if these "reasonable" attempts to solve it do not produce results. I was a picked on kid thru elementary school and Jr. High. It left scars. I grew up less confident, feeling less worthy and made a lot of less-than-perfect choices in life thinking I did not deserve any better. It took me until midlife to realize where my feelings came from - years of being belittled. I wasnt a "strange" kid, no physical abnormalities, disabilities, etc. I was just tender and for that reason, they swarmed and attacked me for years because I was easy bait!!! If your daughter says she is still uncomfortable regardless of what the teacher, administrator or whoever says, you should pull her out of that school. Consider a private school - smaller classes, more direct teacher involvement, fewer agendas than public school. You will find far more personal concern for your child with a loving, private school teacher with a class of 12-15 kids rather than a public school with 25-30 kids in the classroom. Private schools also rely on parental involvement and happy parents to keep their doors open. Public schools dont have to care if they dont choose to. No one is going to shut them down!!! A good private school will provide a far more nurturing and caring environment than public school. Costs money, yes. Tuition can be reduced by volunteering and they are not all hugely expensive. I know my life would have been a ton different if I hadn't been tourtured by the mean kids at public school and learned to believe I was worthless. Don't underestimate the power of peer pressure!!!

You obviously are a loving and concerned mom. Don't leave her to "work it out" or fend for herself with some myth that it will be good for her or make her stronger!!! It sure didnt work that way for me!

Hi K.,
I'm going through much of the same thing with my 10 yr old. The age difference is pretty significant, but I can share with you what we are going through, hopefully it will help a little.
My daughter always been a very outgoing girl and up until about a year and a half ago, has always made and kept friends easily. Lately though it has been a constant battle, nearly every night she comes home and tells me that all the other girls who used to be her friends no longer like her, won't play with her and pick on her. She has nights that she doesn't even sleep and cries constantly.

You may need to watch her interact with other kids, either at a school setting or somewhere else. Monitor her. The first thing I would do, which I did with my daughter, was see how much of her behavior is the problem. Talk with the teacher and rather than have her watch out only for bullying...also have her try to watch your daughter during a normal day. Is there anything she does to trigger this reaction from the other girls. If her behavior is part of the problem, you may need to start working with her on how to respond to a problem appropriately, work with others ect... You may also want to find out if she has any strange habits that other kids might find weird...it may sound silly but something as simple as picking her nose in front of others could be a reason kids won't play with her. I knew a girl in elementary school that sat funny in her chair, ( I wont' go into details ) but because of that nobody would talk to her. Another one because she talked to herself...you see what I mean? kids can find any number of reasons to disassociate from another child.

My daughter's biggest problem is she takes everything to heart and personally. So even when someone might be kidding around she takes it seriously and responds to it that way. her other issue is she always wants to be the leader of a game and dictate who does what, when , where yada yada yada so they get a little irritated at that.
My daughter is also very strong, an independent thinker, a bit bossy, demanding and likes to have the spotlight. She also has a tenancy to let fly out of her mouth whatever she's thinking when she's ticked off. Most times, she doesn't even mean it but when she's mad she can't control what she says...I know this becuase I watch her at home... but she's also got a heart of gold and is always looking out for the underdog and those with less. She's very protective of younger kids and kids who are picked on.
Unfortunately, my daughter's strong personality & passion is not received well with the other kids. Though I don't want her to just become a sheep of the crowd and follow everybody else to "fit in", I do want her to be able to be part of the crowd and still be independent of it if she needs to be.
This is a tough battle, and I'm not sure if my advice will help...there are days when it works and days when it doesnt because if you get a group of girls who don't like another gilr, it easily turns into a pack mentality and they can be brutal and it's impossible not to respond.
My daughter is working on her behavior and I'm working with her on it at home. I'm not sure if this is harder on her or me. I was picked on from 1st grade up until my freshmen year, so it just sickens me and breaks my heart to see her go through this. Just be sure to make your home a safe and happy place to come home to. That was my saving grace. Also keep an open mind that this might not just be the other kids...it's tough to see your child as part of the problem but if she is and you're not honest with yourself about it you won't be able to help her help herself...
Good luck :-)

My older daughter, who is 10 now, had problems making friends when she was younger. Like your daughter, she is very sensitive and strong. She is not outgoing and socially not as mature as other kids her age, which I am sure is what contributed to this problem. I tried to "role play" with her on how to start a conversation and ask questions. This helped some and it just took time to get her feeling confortable making friends. She has ADHD, which was diagnosed in 2nd grade, which contributes to this. Another way that helped her make friends was to invite kids over for a play date, so she could get to know them one on one. In addition, getting her involved in sports really made a difference! She has made great friends being involved in sports, and we started her in kindergarten.
I hope this helps!

Go into your childs classroom. Go in as a helper for the teacher but this will be your chance to observe your daughter and see what is going on. It could be the other kids in the classroom. It could be your daughter. It could be anything or nothing. But by going, you are showing support to your daughter and also learning which students you would like to foster a friendship with your daughter. Get to know the students so you can do something with your daughter and these kids outside of school with their parents. My friend threw a tea party on a saturday for her daughter. We've done a group movie night with other kids in the school. I am a substitute teacher and have two sons. Sometimes when I feel my 3rd grader is having problems, I "do lunch" with him. He loves it and it gives me a chance to observe him in his classroom. Most time, it's just me being over protective but it also gives me the ability to have great conversations with him after school. Hope it gets better!!

Is it possible for you to sit in the "back" of the class... or maybe observer her on the playground... without your daughter knowing for a little bit? If not you, maybe the school psychologist?
My son was having some major self esteem issues through first and second grade. It wasn't until some observations were done to really see how he interacted, that we realized his biggest problem was that he couldn't focus on any one thing long enough to play with anyone. At the very least, you might notice something she is doing, or not doing, that you could suggest a fix for... in a way she would understand.

K. - My heart goes out to you and your daughter. Growing up is soooooo hard and it can be horrible to watch our children go through things like this.

My advice is similar to others:

1. Continue to work with the teacher

2. Go to her class as often as you can to observe - I am not a single mom, but I am the main breadwinner right now as my husband gets his business off the ground, so believe me, I KNOW how difficult that can be when we have to work. Whatever time you can spare, though, will be great.

3. Look closely at how your daughter plays with others and start there.

It's easier to coach our children to act differently than to try to change a classroom of bullies. So, in a way, I hope that most of the problem simply stems from your daughter's naiveness about what it means to be a friend.

If you discover that the problem mostly stems from the other children's behavior, that will be much more difficult and I would seriously consider changing schools.

Here's what I have done to help my daughter learn how to be a friend. Perhaps it will help you?

My daughter is younger and she is not a strong, bossy type. However, as an only child, she sometimes exhibits bossy behavior towards me when we play together. Here's one thing I have done to nip it in the bud.

When she starts being bossy - for example, telling me, "NO, mommy, NOT like that. Do this. No, I said No, don't color in red, color in BLUE."

As her mom, I'll put up with this for a little, but then I stop and consider the fact that her peers would never put up with it. So, I say, "I don't want to play with you when you talk to me like that. If I were a little girl, I would be very hurt."

Then I say "I'm not playing with you until you can talk to me nicely."

For her, this is all it takes. She'll stop and think about it for a few minutes and then say, "OK, mommy, you can use the red crayon. Come play with me." From then on, she's very cooperative.

When she plays well with me - sharing her toys, letting me make suggestions to our game and so on, I tell her "you're so much fun to play with!" and point out exactly why I said so - "thank you for letting me play with your favorite doll. That was so nice of you."

I also make these comments when I see her playing well with other children. She goes to a preschool a few days a week and we have playdates, so I watch her carefully to make sure she is learning social skills that will make it easy for her to have friends later on.

I don't know if this will help or not - my situation is not the same as yours.

I will pray for you guys and I hope things turn around quickly for your little one.

Alright she needs a guide and it sounds like she has a perfect one - you! If she is strong and independent she may be coming on as bossy. I was that way and had to be taught that to have a friend I needed to be a friend. Ask her for specifics - does she ask to participate in games at recess? Is she asking to sit by other kids at lunch? Explain to her that while she may not like what other people are playing she may like the other people. She has fantastic things to teach them, but she has to let them teach her things too. It's a hard concept for a kid to learn (it was hard for me!). But she can do it with a cheerleader like you behind her encouraging her to keep trying.

Also I'd ask what kind of looking out the teacher is doing. Does the teacher go out to recess with the kids or is someone else on duty at that time? Social skills are so important that pursueing the teacher's action are well worth your time!

Dear K.,
You are definitely right in being conserned about it having a negative effect on her. My daughter is in the 5th grade and we have struggled with this since 1st grade. She is also strong, independent, a born leader, and also sensitive to feelings. I read others say "talk to the teacher" over and over again. This may be a good start, but from my experience the problem usually isn't in the classroom, it is on the playground. And let me tell you from experience, whether the school public or private, class size large or small, it doesn't matter. Kids can just be plain cruel. My daughter has toughened up a bit and has gotten to where the actions of the other kids in class don't bother her as much. Unfortunately I've come to feel it is a necessary evil of a child's development. They need to learn how to deal with mean people because they will have to deal with mean people in adulthood as well. Another necessary skill our kids need to learn is how to get along and be able to co-exist with people who don't always want to do everything our way. I see the absence of this skill and believe that is why there is so much bullying and isolation happening with our children. All this to say I have gotten tired of having to deal with the tears so we are homeschooling next fall.

Do you ever get to volunteer in the classroom? It's amazing at this age how much your presence in the classroom can effect her friendships, when my daughter was in kindergarten I would volunteer weekly & I would go out to recess & observe & even play with the kids, they loved it & it's crazy how an adults presence attracts the kids, they all want to play with the grown up, I would also be sure to inclue the kids I saw that were more shy or being left out by inviting them to come play hide & seek w/ us (or whatever we were playing).
Also, invite a friend or two over for a playdate when you can. That is how you can get the kids to connect the best, once she has a good friend or two that's all she needs!
Good luck, there is nothing worse then watching your child go through things that you have no control over. :)

Is there any way you can spend some time in class, perhaps more than once? Observe carefully the interaction in class. Try to not let your daughter cling to you. Perhaps you can do an art project.

How about speaking with the teacher and your daughter and choosing one child to ask over for a play date?

Don't minimize this. It may stay with her for the length of her school life.

Try to find other group activities that she may enjoy and have good peer group relations. This may give her confidence to handle things in school.

It sounds like there might not necessarily be bullying go on, just a lack of friendships... I would talk to the teacher about which kids she thinks might be a good match, as far as encouraging friendships, then see if she can rearrange the table groupings to make sure that your daughter spends time with the right kids. Also, see if the teacher can work on pairing your daughter up with same child repeatedly on tasks or projects so that they get a chance to bond. The teacher should also be making an effort to talk to the whole class about the need to include everyone, etc. and trying to force friendships.

Then, invite one or two potential friends over for a playdate. You might even tell the other girl's mom that your daughter has had a hard time making friendships. See if another mom might encourage a friendship on the other end.

Above all, be proactive in helping your daughter make some friends. Sometimes a new environment can be scary, and she might think the other kids "hate" her or don't like to play with her, when in reality the other kids like her just fine but for some reason haven't connected closely with her.

I hope that my experience will help...

I am an older leo now

I am not sure where to begin except to say that your worry is understandable but perhaps somewhat misplaced. When I was in elementary school I remember having a terrible time making friends. It was not until University that I made my first real best friend! Leo's are wonderfully and frustratingly sensitive! ~ I found that the experience was invaluable to making me who I am today! Compassionate, thoughtful, less selfish - my issues with authority, perfectionism are used to right the injustice in the world and help people understand and love one another. When I was younger I didn't fully understand anything outside myself being predisposed to egocentrism as a Leo. I didn't understand when life or people were not fair. I could not understand why everyone didn't feel the way I did. The epiphany came when one very special adult just said - I have confidence in you - what are you going to do? Although external (vs. internal) - this helped me see that I (existing as a Leo)didn't need to have everything just perfect before people would like me. I let down my guard, messed up lots, but survived. Now, having spent time alone since I was little (Leos are generally not lonely with being alone) I had given myself the opportunity for self-reflection invaluable in helping a person find out sooner than later what one wants out of life/self/spirit. I was always more independent than my peers, more competitive and courageous - a Leo's middle name but the true inner self-confidence came with this special persons notice that I was competent, resourceful, kind - that even if I messed up, it was ok and sooner than later all on my own (with help if I asked for it), I would correct/fix/alter/aide the problem. This was imperative - no telling me what to do, no unasked for advice, no pressure to do or be anything other than myself - with a generous ear for all the adventure and optimism but also the intensity of emotions and patience through the bossiness (er, I mean learning process...)

Anyway, I do hope this helps. Please feel free to converse further.

Sincerely,
J.

You know, my daughter who is 7 has said things like this this year as well. I think it depends on the day but kids do go thru times when they feel like that is what is happening and want to do or play different things each day. I talk to her (and so does her teacher) daily about other things she can do with other kids and to find kids who like the same things as her. I have also explained that just because someone doesn't want to play with her that day doesn't mean they don't like her. This is what I have always dreaded with her getting older but I have to remember it will make her a stronger person, learning how each kid is different. One day she will say someone doesn't like her and won't play with her but the very next they are playing. I hope this helps you and maybe gives you some tips on what to say to her. Just reassure her things will be ok and to try and not take it personally, it isn't her as she is a beautiful, sweet and loving little girl.

C.

Hello!! My son did this exact same thing and the teacher and I were at our wits end because it was disrupting the class. He would cry on the way to school, during school, and on the way home off and on continually. We finally started a reward system while making him go and try each day. We had to quit babying him on it, which is so hard since all you want to do is cuddle them and make it all better. But we would limit the clinging when giving him a hug and telling him in a ccheerful no arguing (also hard/difficult) voice that he was going to be fine and that it was his job to go to school each day like dad goes to work (i am a stay at home mom so wouldn't work to use me as an example) and that he didnt need to worry about anything but meeting new friends and having fun. IT is so hard to watch them cry and still make them go but once they start going for a couple weeks they learn its a lot of fun and there's no way they are going to stay home ( we know there are ways but we aren't tellin! lol). In preschool there are only a handful of kids compared to kindergarten and it can get overwhelming. And like with my son he was in the same preschool class 2 yrs and got to b pretty close with his classmates and teacher so having to make new ones was hard. Good luck and if you have more questions, please let me know. B.

My oldest came home from school with the same problem when he was younger. I talked to him about why no one would play with him. It turned out that no one would play what he wanted to play, so instead he sat alone. When I suggested that he could play what someone else wanted to play, the problem went away.

I'm not saying the solution to your daughter's problem will be so simple. However, it is possible that if you talk to her about the details of what is happening, there might be something she could do to help with the problem.

Move her to a new Kindergarten. There are lots of them out there, there is no reason for her to stay somewhere that she is not happy.

That is so hard! School has a hierachy from the very beginning doesn't it? I would suggest asking the teacher if you could volunteer in her classroom for the day (I know it's hard as a single working mom, but surely you have a sick day coming, right). Maybe just be seeing her interact as well as having your reassuring presence for one day would help? Good luck!

Hi K.;
I feel your hurt. Kids are mean, even in kindergarten. I have a leo also and it can be a good thing and a bad thing. Good cuz they are independant and bad cuz they say what they think and really don't care at the moment.
I had the same problem and believe it or not you need to pay attention to some things. You need to watch what the other girls in her class are wearing. Not that you have to spend tons on clothes but something as simple as clothing makes them stand out and can make them be laughed at. Things I thought were cute were too babyish at the time. Second, See how the girls are wearing their hair. American Girl books are great with all kinds of hair styles that are in. Being a single mom it's hard to do the after sports stuff but you can still put her in some kind of activity that will boost her self esteem and have her be good at for example, gymnastics, dance classes, ice skating, swimming. These are great classes and not too expensive and yet they help with self esteem, help her make new friends and also help her be good at something. Get a chart and have her tell you something good about herself everyday. Write it down and put a star by it. (Even being alive is a good thing, helping you in the house, etc.)
Arrange playdates that will be positive playdates that is arrange them around an activity such as going to chuck-e-cheese or the park, or a movie, or to a painting class. This gives them something to do together, have fun, and end in a positive note and oh, don't make them too long.
work on these things with her but also go to the school principal and let him/her know that your daughter is coming home crying everyday. Sometimes a teacher does not like your child so you need to go higher and get help. Bullying should never be tolerated and should always be stopped as soon as possible and that goes for the teacher also.
I hope this helps.

My youngest son also has a hard time with friends. He is pleasant, a bit emotional and dramatic. He always has friends at school but, never has anyone to hang out with after school or on weekends. He calls for play dates and doesn't get calls back. I stopped having birthday parties because it was just too painful to not get responses from the few kids I could invite.
Be there for her, give her more opportunities to meet people. Kids in the area, indoor playgrounds, weekend classes. Make time for her on weekends, to do things together.
I hope that it doesn't last and that she makes some really good lifetime friends! Hang in there! She'll be a fine, resiliant person.

Do a LOT of talking to her about what's going on and help teach her ways to deal with these problems...if they are with her peers, or with her teacher. The best think you can do is discuss why she is upset, teach her that it's ok to feel that way, but there are ways to help. She needs to realize that it takes practice to be a friend and have friends and not everyone is automatically good at it. So her "friends" might need more "practice" at being friends.

you might want to have lots of discussions with the teacher, and maybe even go in on a day to observe what's happening (thought it might not happen while you are there).

There also might be some services in the school that can help...a counselor.......or something like that...take advantage of those services.

Good luck!

J.
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