Seeking Other Young Widowed Mothers

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you must still feel. It took me years to get over the internal pain of losing my husband, my 7 year old son's father. I really don't know how I made it through - it was a blur - but we did make it. I held onto my faith, my youthful ignorance, and I did my best to keep my son involved in activities that other boys participated in so that he would have male influences in his life as much as possible. I spent every Sunday with the relatives of my husband - someone that I knew was sharing our grief so that we wouldn't feel alone (my family was in another state).
I was always the room mother at school and made sure that my son's activities were attended by me irrespective of my job or social life (it will come back if you let it and I suggest that you do). Most importantly, I took it day-by-day because even thinking about the next holiday frightened me beyond words - I couldn't imagine facing the world without my husband and really my best friend. It's now been 25 years. It's very important the type of man that you re-marry should you decide to ever do so. One that is gentle and kind to your son, but also strong and a good leader. I had to learn to step back and let my new husband help my son become a man from another man's perspective. I tried to be the mother and the father but I was only fooling myself. There's a difference between the sexes and it's real. I pray that you and your baby will be well. If you believe in God then now is certainly the time to pray for Divine Guidance. God is not a respecter of persons and will take care of you...as he has us and countless others. Finally, be strong and find happiness so that you don't carry a shroud of sadness around you and most importantly be thankful (as I am sure that you are) for the time that you shared and for the beautiful son that he has trusted you to raise well...and you will.
All the best,
L. F.

Hello Wendy S,

Let me first say that I am so sorry for your loss. Having gone through a tragedy myself I can relate to the overwhelming grief you're feeling. I became a widow at 30 when my husband was killed in tower two of The World Trade Center on 9/11/01. At that time my daughter was about three weeks shy of her 2nd birthday. I don't believe it's any easier regardless of if you are pregnant or if the child is already born......no matter what, it is a horrible feeling. It may be a little easier for the child not to have known their father vs. having them around and then suddenly they disappear. Nonetheless, I have kept his memory alive for her in so many ways. I keep pictures of him in her room. I tell her funny stories about him so she can get an idea of what his personality was like. I tell her all the time how much she looks like him and certain physical characteristics that she has from him. On his birthday we would get a balloon from the store and write a note in it to her daddy and then say a prayer to him and let the balloon go. In my personal opinion you should tell them as much as you can. Let them see as many pictures or videos as they want. The more they know the closer they will feel and will know where they came from. I won't lie, it's been so hard for me in so many ways. I have had to stay strong for her as I didn't want her to see me so upset. If I started to cry it would scare her so I would try to restrain myself from breaking down until she was asleep (although it didn't always work). As she got older other issues came up, she would express to me that she really misses her daddy and why can't he come home from heaven. Or when she felt so left out at school because everyone else had a daddy and she didn't. There are so many emotional struggles to go through. There is no easy way through grief. I will tell you that time helps to make it less raw and you learn to put that part of your life in a place that will allow you to function in a normal everyday routine. It took me a while to get to that place. The pain never goes away but you learn to move forward because you have to be strong for your child. My daughter is 9 yrs. old now and we have such a close bond. We have come through so much together and have found happiness in activities that we can do together. I will tell you that around 8 yrs old she started to develop anxiety attacks about death and heaven. I was told that children around this age especially children that have lost a parent may go through this because they start to understand death at about this age. We are still struggling through this but the attacks are becoming less frequent.

All in all just know that both of you will be okay. I hope I've helped. Write back if you need to ask more questions. I'll be happy to keep in touch.

K.

When I read your post, my heart broke for you. My husband,Ron,had cancer and passed away when our little girl was 1.5. It was devestating to me and my little girl. She was so young and didnt understand what happened, she just knew he was gone and was not coming back.
I have pictures of him in her room and she sees his parents ever couple of months.
Introduce your son slowly and be prepared to tell him stories over and over and over again. My little girl was just so young, she couldn't understand or comprehend the magnitude of the situation. My daughter is 4.5 now and I have since remarried an amazing man that has adopted her and loves her so much.
I am so sorry that you are having to go through such a sad situation in the midst of such a wondeful time with your baby boy.

Well i didnt lose a spous,but my grandkids lost there mom and one was only 2 months old and i raised them.What i have done though all there lives was to tell them the things she did for them and how wonderful she was and how happy she was when she has them and what joy they gave her.I think what you will have to do is tell your child the life you had with you husband how happy he was when he found out you where going to have a baby.How good he was to you and how your life was with him in the short time.I have pictures of there mom out and when they turned into teens i we made them all picture albums with pictures of them being together.I also had videos of her with our family.That what you need to do get pictures out make the child a album and just tell the child how you meet about your wedding and you life together. The picture will mean a lot to the child even though the child isn't in them,That will give a clue to how dad really was.How dad was what dad liked things like that.I am so sorry about your loss and i know its really hard .My daughter in-law died in a accident to.I just hope you know that only the body dies and the soul lives for ever and that daddy is watching over you both.Make sure daddy's family is there to they can tell there story's and show there pictures to.That way he will know everything he wants to and more.Hugs M.

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss. I am not a widow but my mom was. My father was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver when I was 10 months old and my sister had just turned 4 yrs. old. My mom was only 20 and she was a widow and mother of 2. My mom explained to us (more so my sister) that my father had to leave but not by choice and that he would not be coming back but that he was watching over us in heaven. I grew up just knowing the story of what had happened. I was constantly told stories about him and shown pictures. I was very close to my grandparents on his side so they talked about him all the time. On Fathers Day I made something for my mom instead, but that was the norm for me. I knew no different. I do know that my mom went extra easy on me growing up because she felt bad about me not having my dad. So I was pretty spoiled rotten. So be very careful with that. If you need anything or want to talk I am here and you can ask anything you want. I know I havent lost my husband but I can answer your questions through the eyes of your child.

J.

First, my sincere sympathies on the loss of your husband! Second, I applaud you on wanting to use that tragedy to reach out to others!

Death is a tough subject for many and my suggestions are Church's or Berevement Groups to get you started. Many use licensed therapists that lead them and "work" the meetings but they usually welcome those who've gone through it to offer their thoughts and reality.

We went through Compassionate Friends and while everyone in the room lost a child, sibling, parent, significant other, the main meeting was run by someone 'trained'.

So, call the local hospital and ask them how you can help.

As for your son and how to bring in memories. Pictures, talking about daddy, visiting with your late husband's family. Talk about daddy to your son and let him know that his daddy loved him alot! As your son gets older, he'll ask more direct questions about where his daddy is and what happened. I suggest keeping the answers age appropriate.

Bless you as you venture in to this ministry to others! Hug your son and love him!

Have you heard of Rainbows? Maybe you could meet other women in a similar spot through that... http://www.rainbows.org/adulted.html
(They have an adult portion.)

I am truly sorry for your loss. My brother married a lovely girl in Utah and when we went to the wedding, I met her aunt. Her aunt's story is similar -- she had one child and was pregnant with the second when her husband was killed in a plane crash. That was about 20 years ago. Today, she has three boys and a wonderful husband -- she is vibrant and alive. Her first two sons know the story of their father and are emotionally balanced and happy. If she were local, I'd put you two in touch. I know there are other women who have suffered a similar loss. I am very, very sorry for what you are going through. You WILL make it through this and you WILL be happy again living a wonderful life. I promise!