Seeking Othere Stay at Homes Moms Feeling Lonely and Depressed

Subject: Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response,
the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone
and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see
I'm on the phone?'

Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or
sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because
no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days
I am only a pair of hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie
this? Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a
clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer,
'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around
5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the
eyes that studied history and the min d that graduated summa cum laude
-but now, they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be
seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of
a friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was
sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well.
It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling
pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped
package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great
cathedrals of Europe . I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me
until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte , with admiration for the
greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would
discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after
which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great
cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave
their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made
great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building
was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the
cathedral while it was being built, an d he saw a workman carving a
tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man,
'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that
will be covered by the roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman
replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was
almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I
see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you
does.

No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake
you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are
building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will
become. At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is
not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease
of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn
pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great
builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will
never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be
on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals
could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people
willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend
he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving , 'My Mom gets up at 4
in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a
turkey for 3 hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That
would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him
to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to
his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if
we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world
will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that
has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.

XOXOX God Bless

Oh boy do I hear you!! When my kids were little I felt the SAME way! I realize NOW that I had postpartum depression. I didn't seek medical advice, but looking back I should have. I am not pushing drugs but they have things they might be able to suggest. Just knowing what is going on might help.

I just talked to my husband. He got a little defensive, but that was probably because he felt attacked; I am sure in my state I wasn't exactly sympathetic of HIS feelings. But we worked out a system that he took a little more of the evening duties. He realized that I was "working" just as hard as he was during the day and that those evening responsibilities should be shared.

As for being involved in a group but still being lonely...I did the same thing. What you have to do is assert yourself. It isn't so much that the women have cliques (some do) but that you need to insert yourself and they welcome you with love. I have made more lasting relationships since I started being more forward. Remember, friendship is a two way deal. If YOU aren't putting the effort in, they won't either. Now, if you are putting effort in with no results, come sit by me...I go to Bible study at Calvary too! Course I go Tues. AM. Feel free to contact me privately too if you want.
Hope some of that helps.
D.

This is very normal for a SAHM to feel those feelings that you have. I have been there, feeling lonely and depressed. First and foremost, you must talk to your husband about how you are feeling. He needs to know what is up with you, PLUS, you must continue to have open communication with him. Talk, talk, talk about your day, his day, what the kids are up to.
Did you talk to your doctor about your unhappiness, insecurity that you are feeling and/or loneliness? Blood tests may come back normal and what you are feeling is more emotional, no blood test can predict unhappiness. Think about what will make you more happy and ask your husband for his help. Help out with the kids, around the house. If he loves you, he will be concerned for your happiness and be willing to help you through this rough patch. Further, you may want to look into therapy for your depression. Therapy is very helpful. Also, you may have insurance to help cover the cost of visits to the therapist.
You do need to do things for yourself. Get in a mommy's group with 4 year olds, so that the kids can play and you can chat with other moms. Check out: meetup.com for play groups and other interests that you have. You will find many groups out there that are located around the AZ area!
Best of luck to you!

I felt like this not to long ago and I go in and out of it. I think what has helped me lately is finding things to do for me. So, I started running a food co-op site on my house on Saturdays and I am hosting a playdate at my house sometime this month with my two friends. Just little things like that to look forward to. It also has helped for me to get out of the house everyday and do something. So, we go to the mall to play, we went up to the outlet mall the other day so I could return some stuff and let the boys play there too. I have been getting things done around the house like cleaning out my garage so that is making me feel better as well. It is really hard to be a stay at home mom even if you love it and know you wouldnt want to be anywhere else it can still be hard on you. Toughest job in the world! Hang in there and maybe if you feel like you cant get out of this funk go talk to someone about it. Good Luck!

totally normal.
I'll make time for you if you want, but not till the end of April. See i'm also one of those moms that would love to make good friendships (tennis once a week, nice bike ride, bridge club....) but don't take time for myself. In about 2 months i will start scheduling some me time and hopefully start developing (and keeping) new/good girlfriends.
I am sometimes a golf widow, a husband that always has golf buddies when he is not a workaholic. i'd love to have more us time but i'm not taking up golf just yet. kids and house keep me so busy though (i do do volunteer work through different groups but that gets a bit much sometimes as i try to do it when the kids are not around).
volunteering as team mom or on a committee for one of your girls sports or clubs does give others to flock to you and you know you already have something in common.

Hi C. - It's a good sign that you are reaching out before you become so depressed that you can't reach out. I am about ten years older than you and have been down that road too. When you spend your time doing mundane things over and over (cooking, cleaning, chauffering, etc) it's natural to feel rather bored and unappreciated. When your world becomes so small, it's easy to get preoccupied with trivial things and eventually tiny things become huge issues. My best advice is to get out of your mini-world by doing service for someone less fortunate than yourself. It could be helping an elderly neighbor or getting involved with an organization which provides service to the less fortunate. It will help your perspective. You will be able to feel the joy of making a difference in someone else's life, and refocus on your many blessings. I have found that it is impossible to feel depressed and grateful at the same time. (Try starting a gratitude journal). And that service you perform . . .put your heart and soul into it. You will also be a good example to your girls. Take them along, when appropriate. There's nothing quite like lifting others to build your self-esteem.

I think you have got some pretty good responses from the women before me. I do agree that a lot of SAHMs feel similar feelings to what you described. I know I have. I think it is all about developing an identity that is who you are now and not who you have been. It is hard not to get discouraged when you feel like you are repeating the same day over and over. Look for something to change it up for you.... playgroups, trips out to even the grocery store (Bashas even has a play area for the kids can go in while you just sit and have a coffee or just walk around the store), or pick up a new hobby.

Another lady suggested meetup.com for playgroups and there are many great groups on there. I am an organizer of a group on Meetup called Moms of Faith (www.meetup.com/momsoffaith) we're based arournd El Mirage, Surprise and Peoria.

Wishing you the best.

I was feeling the same way, although I really was also gaining weight. Mine turned out to be a comination of hormone issues and a serious thyroid problem. I am finally feeling better, my sex drive is back, which my husband loves! I look better, and I have a much better outlook on life in general every day. Not to mention I have TONS of energy now..I went to Sottopelle for the hormones and to an Endocrinologist for the thyroid issue. Call me if you want or need any more info, I would be glad to help.
S. Atkinson ###-###-####

You've gotten great advice & it's definitely important to consult with a doctor about your problems.

I think service is key - it helped me. A lot of times the service was for other mothers who were in my same spot - I offered to watch their kids, dropped off a treat at their house "just because", offered to carpool their kids with mine - it doesn't have to be a grand effort. I know it's the LAST thing you feel like doing but it will make you feel better and it will also slowly build friendships with those women. Pretty soon they'll start reciprocating and you guys will start talking and you'll make wonderful friends.

More importantly, you & your husband need to really talk. I thought my depression was SO OBVIOUS to him - how could he not know how I felt? Additionally, we are great friends and "talked" all the time but he had NO clue. It was uncomfortable at first and I felt stupid telling him how I felt but it changed everything. We came up with "love currency" - we specifically said little things that made each of us feel loved and tried to do them for each other. You may think it doesn't matter to him or is stupid but it could be huge in his mind; or vice versa. Examples, a hug, saying "I love you" out loud, bringing home a sugar cookie from Paradise Bakery, giving me 30 minutes of quiet to watch my favorite show even though the kids are going crazy, hanging his bath towel back on the towel rod... you get it. Tell him things he can do for you to put a smile on your face and let you know he loves you. When he started helping me out more in the evenings and we starting thinking about each other more by doing specific things we knew the other needed, it changed everything.

Hang in there - keep reaching out as long as it takes to get what you need. And set a goal to get yourself ready more - especially just before your husband comes home from work. I know it sounds like something from the 50s but I'm telling you, he'll notice and you'll love it.

Hi C.!

I totally understand and feel where you are coming from. If you want to email me and talk, My email address is ____@____.com. I live in Surprise. Hope to here from you!

D.