Feeling Completely Under Appreciated - Anyone Else?

Hi, Mama:
Set boundaries.
Make up house rules and who
is to do what.
Ask for help in setting these up in
a circle dialogue.

Good luck.
D.

holy cow, you definitely get the SUPERWOMAN/SUPERMOM award!!!!! my goodness you are super busy getting everything done for everyone else, where is the time for you??? I think you are totally awesome and that you deserve the world!

Stomach and other health problems are absolutely caused by stress. You obviously have stress just getting through this hectic day, but, because I have personal experience with this, the most stressful thing of all is not speaking up. It's saying "yes, sure" to everything.

So, practice saying "I'd be glad to make that for your dinner, tomorrow". Saying "I need you to take the dog for a walk." Saying "I need your help with the laundry while I finish the dishes."

No one else will appreciate you, if you don't appreciate yourself enough to take care of your mental and physical health. Practice speaking up. I know it's hard, so start small, but practice.

First of all WHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm exhausted just READING THAT!!

WHY are you the only one doing anything in this house? Where is your help?

Second, if your hubby wants something...great...make it on another day. It's unreasonable to ask for another dinner. THEN he has the audacity to call you and ask for YET ANOTHER Dinner?? He'd be making HIMSELF a pbj!!!

You want to take care of your family, but there is no reason for you to do all this by yourself. You are running yourself ragged and your health sounds like it is suffering. YOU are the only one that can stop the insanity. You need help. Ask for it...sit everyone down for a talk and division of chores.

Yes I feel the same way, currently hubby and I are not talking because I had had enough and told him I was super frustrated about the lack of help I am getting from him. I read your to list and it's long I felt so sad that we has women take on so much but you seem to have reached or are on course to reach your limit. Ask your husband to help with the dog, it's not fair that you walk the dog and do everything else. Why can't your husband drop everyone off in the morning including you take the car home and drive himself into work at the time he comes in? You have to ask for help or I promise you, you will end up exploading. Please ask for help, your amazing however you might not be able to sustain it at this pace and imagine how much better you could be if you were better to yourself.

A friend of mine posted this on her Facebook page recently and I want to post it here for you when you have days like this.

The Invisible Mother
By ANDRA STEFANONI
The Morning Sun
Posted May 25, 2008 @ 11:08 PM
Print Comment
PITTSBURG —

On a day when I was wondering why no one had nominated me for a major award because I was able to get three beds stripped and cleaned and remade, a colorful and balanced supper on the table, a toddler entertained on my own from 7:30 a.m. to 5 p.m., an entertaining column written and submitted, and a first grader taken to school with everything he needed and brought home with nothing that he didn't, I received this in my inbox.

I am grateful to Mother-in-Law for passing it along. I can give no credit to the author, because I don't know who wrote it, but from the sound of things she seeks none.

Religious or not, an at-home-mom or professional mom, read it and take from it what you need.

Invisible Mother

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, “Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not; no one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible. The Invisible Mom.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this?
Can you open this??

Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, “What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, “Right around 5:30, please.”

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated summa cum laude - but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!?

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in.

I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, “I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription:

To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names.

These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, “Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof, no one will ever see it.” And the workman replied, “Because God sees.”

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, “I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.”

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.

I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, '”My Mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.” That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, “You're gonna love it there.”

As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we're doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel, not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
Copyright 2008 Morning Sun. Some rights reserved

Uhhhh...yeah...during the summer when I have a full house (i.e. my stepkids come for an extended visit) and I find myself running around like a blue-arsed fly while the rest of the family is kicking back, on the computer, watching TV etc., I start giving people jobs to do. (By people I mean kids, husband, guests, dog, solicitors, anyone : )

Don't feel bad for asking for help. Don't stew in your juices of resentment feeling unappreciated. I agree that this is probably causing your stomach ache. Just ask for what you need...then, if you don't get it, THEN you have a reason to be mad ; )

ADDED: I totally agree with the advice you've gotten so far. ASK FOR HELP! Also, occasionally I will "disappear myself," i.e. leave the house for about 4-6 hours, and amazingly no one dies or goes hungry while I'm gone. Do something for you for a change. Good luck!

All day / Everyday! I had a break down the other day because no ever seems to appreciate everything that I do. My SO's response "why should we have to tell you? It should be a given. We know you do alot"...geez, thanks for that honey!...lol!
Hope things get better and easier for you!

You need a "mental health day" Mani and pedi! I'm exhausted just hearing your day. I need a nap!

Sounds like you're pretty busy trying to please EVERYONE plus get daily chores done! Stress is more than likely the cause of your stomach troubles. Some questions that come up are: 1. why can't your husband get himself up and take the dog out? are you just coming home to wake him up? that's craziness if you are. 2. as far as meals go, take an hour a week and plan your meals out & write them on a calendar on the fridge so everyone knows what you're having every day. if someone (like DH! lol) has a request, put it on the calendar. then when you shop, you have everything for your meals. that will cut down on the unnecessary trips to the store. and absolutely use a crock pot. put the stuff in in the morning and its ready when you get home. also, i'm not afraid to use fast side dishes, like steam & mash potatoes, quick packs of rice or noodles, etc. if DH calls and says i'm coming home early, then tell him to make a sandwich or something. you're not gonna get away from the last minute things like the brownies, but can't you just make life easier and buy them? sometimes its worth the extra cost for some sanity later. 3. Laundry...i agree with PP...get some helpers to fold or something. i don't know how old your kids are but my 2 year old puts his own clothes away & loves to do it (sometimes i have to refold in the drawers but who cares!).

It's just my opinion, but sounds like your DH needs to step up and take some of the household responsibilities. theres no reason why he can't fold clothes while he watches tv (or not watch tv at all and help you!) or get your older kids to help clean up dishes, etc. make a job chart on the fridge and have everyone help out. put all the kids & DH on there too. and switch up the jobs so one person doesn't get stuck with the same thing. then at the end of the week when everyone has done their jobs, go out & do something fun as a family to reward them.i love job charts. we do one every week!

We all have our days- I have had that week I totally lost all control last night when I got home from work and ran the youngest to football then came home and the oldest had done NOTHING- my DH was working late ( not that it would make a difference really all he does is go to football come home and say "what did you make me for dinner") SO I get home last night the kitchen is a mess the dogs are still locked in their cages and my teenager is on the couch with a bag of chips. You are not alone

Well, I guess i wil be glad you have it crazier than I do. Wait, is that good or bad? I have actually stopped doing dishes lately. I even threatened to go to Home Depot and get one of those storage houses they have, insulate it, and have my brother setup it up for electric so I can go live in it ALONE with no kids--except the baby of course when he comes. Hey, I only need enough room for a bed and a bathroom. My 12 yr olds have been slacking off like you would not believe lately, leaving things until after I get home and find nothing has been done. They have assigned rooms for everyday cleaning up plus each room has its day for major cleaning. Lately they have acted like they have no idea what needs to get done. And I keep hearing "that's not mine" or "I didn't put that there". And then when I get upset about it my hubby tells me I need to not get mad because I will hurt the baby. My pregnancy has been stressful enough this time around I don't need more from home. And my hubby sits on the couch on the weekends also. I have in the past told him I am not doing the dishes==and didn't. Totally understand why youy would carpool but confused about your work schedule. Why can;t hubby get himself up and walk the dog instead of you taking your lunchtime to do it all? That one should be a place to stop so you can at least take a lunch--even if you have to go pick him up. I know it is hard to get teh kids to actually do things since I face that myself but maybe your oldest, or even 2nd since he has practice, can start those dishes. and someone else can get that laundry going. I have started making my girls get the laundry on. And they complain like you would not believe. Putting in th ewasher takes 3 minutes for crying out loud, I had this problem Monday. I got home and the towels-which I took down to the basement for them-had not been touched. I thought I was going to lose it. We just need to breathe I guess.

Oh My Goodness! This makes me tired reading it. I am so sorry. But yes, I think your husband needs to start helping more and your going to have to stop being over willing to give. You are going to run yourself down SOOOO much, then you are going to end up in hospital.

Best of Luck!

1. Get rid of the dog. No one wants it.
2. Make 1 meal - if they don't like it, they can make their own. How old are the "older" ones? Maybe they should share in the cooking.
3. Everyone over 12 does their own laundry.
4. Let your husband use an alarm clock.

Yes you are unappreciated. But you don't have to let them do this to you.

OMG is this how your day is everyday. Just reading this stresses M. out. I don't/can't do everything all by myself and still feel tired by the end of the day. Cribbing about it works! Why don't you try that? Also my hubby helps around the house a lot. You should try to assign tasks to others in the family. Hubby take the dog out and help with dishes. I don't know how old your kids are but I am sure they can manage loading the washer/dryer or folding the clothes and putting them away. Folding clothes takes forever for M. , I hate it. And try to do a load everyday , so it takes less time to fold and put away , so the kids won't complain.
Also if my husband is really hungry when I am still cooking dinner(he never tells M. what to make though) he has a snack. Cheese sticks , fruits , milk , cereal or yogurt etc are all healthy choices - your husband can have some and I think he should be good for half an hour until you finish cooking. If not, there is always an option of "take-outs". When you already have a LOT going on you need to make sure everyone knows how stressful it is to do everything all the time.
It amazes M. how some men think women need to manage everything. All responsibilities at home is for the women - cooking,cleaning,laundry,doing the dishes,vaccuming etc etc etc And then she is also supposed to work , drop and pick up kids , take them to their activities, grocery shop , pack lunch boxes , make goodies for kids to take to school ... OMG the list goes on.
I just don't think it's fair on you.You are doing a LOT. I wonder when you got time to sit and eat.Or even relax for 10 mins during the day.You don't mention why your husband doesn't help you out , as long as he is healthy and able to , he should help out. Just my opinion.

I'm stressed out just reading about your day and YOU'RE pregnant!! You need a day off. You know what I would do if I were you? Fib a little. If you can't get anyone to help you out--including your hubby--tell him that your doctor said you need to stay off your feet as much as possible or you risk going into pre-term labor. My doctor really DID tell me that during my pregnancy and I didn't clean again until I was trying to bring on labor. Hubby took over EVERYTHING! It was the most wonderful thing. I would come home and go straight to the couch or to bed. You should try it. At least you get a few months of rest--which you most definitely deserve! Also, I'd go on a cooking striike. You're pregnant! You shouldn't be working so hard. Buy a bunch of those frozen skillet meals --you cut it open and dump it in--done! We lived on that while I was pregnant. Not the healthiest, but it's only temporary. Good luck and congrats on your pregnancy!!