Seeking Others Experience and Wisdom in Raising a Brilliant Teenage Boy

I have a girl that is like that and what we have done is grounded her and have her do extra chores. the more trouble she gets into the worst the punishment;ie I took away her lip gloss and jewelry. This has worked for us. Also she is punished for a long time. Good luck!!!!

I HIGHLY recommend reading Love and Logic for Teens. I have an 18 YO son who has had issues with drugs, alcohol and just really struggled to know who he was. He is now in a program getting his life back together. After reading this book, I realized that if we had given him more responsibility for his own choices and suffered the consequences at that time, he probably wouldn't have had so many issues. I tried controlling his life and situations instead of letting him and it didn't work out so well.

We also have a 12 YO son and are using Love and Logic on him and has been AWESOME!! There is so much more respect there! Please get that book and good luck!!

T.
www.MomHome4Good.com

THIS MAY SOUND CORNEY, BUT WHEN MY OLDEST TURNED 16 HE CHANGED FROM THE NICEST CHILD TO EXACTLY WHAT YOUR DESCRIBING, SNEAKING OUT, COPS BRINGING HIM HOME, oops cap lock sorry.... he was insolent, skipping school the whole shabang. finally one day when the cops were here ahain I said that's it, took ALL his clothes packed them in a bags took them to the good will then drove to JC Pennys and got him all "preppy, or let's say normal kids clothes) we were then driving home and he was furious when I see a sign for a Karate dojo that was opening, I pulled in and said ok one year of karate or one year intensive psycho therapy, well he of course jumped on the karate, I swear within a MONTH maybe less I had my boy back, his instructor was backing us 110% if Josh didn't do his homework or was back talking I just called his Shehan and told him and boy did Josh regret it, but he became so addicted to Karate he was spending 3-4 hours a night there, entering tournaments and is now a wonderful adjusted 21 yr old.....
I have heard this from MANY MANY parents this turned their kids around.
take good care,
H.

As a high school teacher and the stepmom of two teens, as well as a former problematic teen myself, I think what teenagers respond to best is respect. Rather than lecture or scold (I'm not saying you do these things, but I see a lot of parents who do), have a discussion. State the problem(s) as you see them and invite the teenager's input; help him be part of the solution. For example: when my stepson started failing classes because he wasn't turning in homework, we sat around the kitchen table and talked about what organizational methods we could help him with that might solve the problem. We asked if he preferred to start using his planner (and let us check it), or if he wanted to use the school's weekly grade check sheet. He actually chose to use the school's check sheet for awhile, to help him remember to keep track.

If your teen clams up, ask for a written letter. The more involved he is with the plan, the more likely he is to buy in. This isn't a magic bullet, of course -- these discussions will take place repeatedly, and may not be the answer for severe problems like drugs, etc. But in my experience, a lot more progress is made through collaboration than would be via heavy-handed discipline. HTH!

Hi A.,

Wow, what a tough struggle for you. My heart goes out to that type of situation. What a beautiful momma you are!

I have not yet had a teenage child, but definitely was one. For children, teens, adults all of us the real key is consistency! That is so challenging too. We have to remember that there are consequences. They have to recall that as well.

With my child we are starting early with kids videos and such teaching her about the strong issues such as rule breaking, stealing, hurting people, etc... I would say that search for those for teens.:)

Many times we all break rules for attention. Consider what the needs are and what could be prompting it. I had depression for years and mine was attention based. It is a major issue and when I was a teen made my life HELL on earth.

It is just so good to examine clearly what is leading the boy to make the choices he is. I do not mean who's fault or blame. Truly, that does not matter. Just be solution based look at how to help your son learn to love himself and see his strengths. You sound like a wonderful caring mom and he is blessed to have you and your love.

There is a group called Focus on the Family. You can google them. They have a section for teens which is very helpful. :)
Here is a link I found.

http://www.family.org/

Truly never underestimate the power of praying for your child! God can and will make ALL things possible when we allow HIM to work on our lives and in our lives. :)

Blessings,

K.S.

Hi A.,
I am having similar issues with my 15 year old daughter although she lives with my husband and I. I have been at my wits end and found, similar to you, that it is hard to find the right "currency" to bring her around.

It breaks my heart to see a kid this age with a promising future experiment with bad decisions that can affect the rest of their life. Kids are under insane pressure these days.

I've approached it the last couple of months with pure logic, love, and no anger. I've been consistant with taking away allowance and privledges. What I have discovered is she percieves a higher currency(Dr. Phil word) from the "weed" which out-weigh's the discipline I can apply -- it makes her "feel happy", temporarily, and plus it helps her to fit in with a croud at school.

She is having trouble making friends. She is hard of hearing. When she can't hear her peers -- they think she is a "ditz" when she doesn't respond or can't understand. She comes from a private school environment into her freshman year in high-school. (she would rather "die" than go back to private school)

She has gone from an A student to failing 3 of her classes and is a very un-happy girl.

I have to find a way to combate the competing "bad currency". I'm trying to get her to do other activities which she refuses, because she does not want to look stupid doing trying something new.

My daughter is an accomplished harpist but will not participate in school orchestra(thinks that will make her look stupid). She at least has that outside activity -- occasional performances. She use to do tenis but won't do that now. She doesn't think she is good enough.

I continue with my love and logic. I am in weekly e-mail conversations with her teachers and spend time with her when she will let me, even it it is just watching a movie or TV.

If any-one else has some sage wisdom out there I could use some too.

I will say that I am a mother of 2 - My oldest daughter is 26 and is doing fine. My 15 year old is a tough nut to crack. I think the root of the problem is self-esteme and trying to fit in <big sigh> She is a deep thinker.

Hi, A.. My heart also goes out to you. While I've not dealt with a teenage boy, I am on the precipice of life with a teenage girl. Like the previous responder, I also recommend Focus on the Family. Dr. Dobson has books on not just parenting, but parenting boys specifically. I also HIGHLY recommend Parenting Teens with Love and Logic by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. It's all about logical consequences (good and bad) and speaks to exactly what you are asking about: power/autonomy/responsibility and discipline. What I love about it is that it takes ME out of the equation as the bad guy. I'm not handing down punishments, the negative consequence of whatever choices they make are the bad guys. It may sound oversimplified, but I'm using their techniques with all 4 of my kids and for the most part, it does work. They also have an audio series called Hormones and Wheels, which also deals specifically with teens. Check out www.loveandlogic.com there's all kinds of info.

Also, to agree with the previous responder, prayer is the most powerful tool we have in our arsenal. I'll pray for your and your son.

God bless you all!
K. J.

Hi A.! This job should come with an instruction manual!!!! I found that smart kids get bored real easy, the education system doesn't challenge them. Unfortunately, he is going to walk down a road or two that you wish he wouldn't, but as long as he isn't a 'follower' he will soon realize that friends and aquaintances and two very different things! As you may remember, parents have no clue, it is amazing we have lived this long! Anyway, this requires some creativity on your part. You know what is important, work with that, and I would suggest that if he doesn't have one, he get a part time job. This will give him something to fill his time with, and he will soon know who wants to be his friend, and who wants what he can give them! My daughters presented me with more challenges than I could have ever imagined, and at one point, drugs did become a problem. They are now 22, and 21, and I have 2 beautiful grandsons! This too, shall pass, for me praying alot seemed sometimes like my only power over the current teen-crisis!! Trust in your influence snd hsve fsith, he will be fine as long as you love him unconditionally; and you could even tell him that it is possible to love someone and not like them because of their actions! Good Luck, Birdie

A.,

My kids aren't there yet, they're still under five. But my dad always said that as soon as I turned 13 I turned into a B**ch until I joined the military after I graduated High School. My best advice is to tell him you love him unconditionally, but that what he's doing is harming himself and disappointing you.

I also agree that there may be some underlying anger at his parents for divorcing. He may even somehow think it's his fault, even if it isn't. Is there a close family friend that you and he trust that he could go talk to confidentially? I've heard that that works well. He has an adult that he admires and knows that he can tell anything to without it getting back to Mom and Dad.

My husband's younger brother jsut turned 15 and my in-laws got him a dog. Talking with my MIL she says that teenagers NEED something to do otherwise they get so self-involved that they forget about the outside world.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

There's a good book by Dr. James Dobson called Raising Boys.
It does have some Christian perspectives but even if you aren't a Christian or believe in God the principles and advice is good.

It sounds like you are a great model for what a sane adult looks like, and that you would leap tall buildings for your son. Having him live with you and start with a fresh slate might be a good move.

The white-knuckle stage of parenting starts when teens begin establishing autonomy. Some kids – often the smart and creative ones as well as the abused and neglected ones – break away with a vengeance. My intelligent and creative daughter did this in her turn, and I'm happy to report that only a few years later, we were again excellent friends. All I could really do during those few years was to let her know I was there for her no matter what, that I trusted her goodness (and the early training I had given her), and kept reminding her that she would understand life differently as an adult.

I kept gently and respectfully inquiring into her hopes, wishes, fears, expectations, influences…, not for the purpose of prying and controlling, but rather to keep in touch with the person she was becoming during her metamorphosis. I only drew a hard line when she wanted to move out with a friend. If I had tried to control every aspect of her behavior, she would almost certainly have bolted, and I could have lost my chance to model adulthood.

I'll bet many of us mamas can recall our teen years (a long time ago for me, but still vivid), when the world we were expected to fit into was so grievously flawed, and "success" was defined in terms that made little sense to our young hearts and minds. It's got to be more complicated for kids today to face the world than when I was a teen.

We know what WE want for our kids. And the simple fact of it is, we can't know for sure what our childrens' paths must be, what experiences will teach them the life lessons they need to learn. When I broke away from an excessively controlling mother, I experimented with substances and all the experiences and freedoms I had been denied as a child. This included marrying an excessively controlling man. I made a lot of big mistakes because I had never had the chance to make smaller ones as I grew up.

Looking back from the age of 60, I can honestly say that for all the joy and anguish all of this brought me, it was what I needed to do. I'm a wiser and more compassionate person for having taken my journey. I often wonder how I might be different if my life had been more conventional. Maybe the same, but I doubt it.

You'll need to take lots of deep, prayerful breaths for the next few years, mama. It's part of the job. Love your child, do what you can for him, respect him, and pry your white knuckles open into a cupped hand. Yes, something terrible could happen to him. Or something wonderful. Or lots of both. His life will be his life - that's part of the contract we agree to when we bring a baby into the world.

My best to you.

I don't have the experience of having a teenager either, but I know what helped keep me and my little brother out of trouble is keeping us busy. My parents had us in 4H, Dance classes, Ice Hockey, Baseball, etc. Maybe find something he's interested in and getting him involved. This will serve two purposes. It'll keep him busy and it will get him surrounded by new (and hopefully better) influences than his current friends (I'm assuming his friends are encouraging this harmful behavior). And my opinion is, there is no better time to start those new activities than with a move. He'll need to meet new people being in a new environment anyway- unless of course he's lived in the town you're living in already.
Good luck and God bless! Hope this helps.
Also, remember - Whatever he chooses is his choice. Just be okay with the fact that you're doing the best you can. I know us moms wish we could make decisions for our kids - and sometimes even other adults we know, but don't blame yourself for his choices. And just so it's clear, I'm not saying not to be his "mom".... I'm just saying he's going to ultimately make his own decisions and sometimes there's nothing you can do to stop it (I say this because that was my brother's attitude- and he was a good kid too-hanging out with some bad influences. And eventually eliminated them on his own). Anything my mom would've done would have just made him want to rebel more. So really what it comes down to is knowing your sons personality and learning how to "guide" him without making him feel controlled.

A.,

I have taken a course before called PARENTING WITH LOVE AND LOGIC. It is designed for parents with children at any age level. I really enjoyed the classes, and the interaction with other parents. The class actually broke us into groups of parents with children around the same age. Most the people in the class had older children.

I know there are web links to the classes, books, tapes...etc. that the program offers.

This may not be the solution you need, but it may provide some added information or areas to search.

Good luck.

T.

That is a hard age to deal with. My son was a different person until the age of 17. Then he decided that peer pressure was too great and he found a group of kids that accepted him for who he was. Ya, that's because they were stoned all the time! He was so against drugs before that. He wouldn't even hang out with childhood friends that had "gone there". Of course, the grades dropped, nothing was important, he was very rude. I hadn't had the chance to discover the proper approach to all of this, so there was a lot of fighting. The only thing I could convey was how much it hurt to see him doing this to himself. He says it's just for fun. He went all through college smoking pot and didn't stop until his girlfriend gave him the choice. She was a God send and we had prayed for someone like her to come along. They are now married and happy. He has dropped his bad habit for good. Try keeping him very busy and out with the right people. He may be carrying an anger about the split up of his parents that is coming out now. Get him in a counseling group of some kind where he can express his thoughts without feeling you are listening. The idea of karate is a great way to deal with discipline, too. Don't forget to make him responsible for his actions. he still needs to choose to make good choices. If he does something wrong, be sure to show him how he has made a bad choice and now has to pay for it.

Check out love and logic.com

It is wonderful and will be great for your whole family.

I found it through the foster care program. It is free for foster parents and the community.

K. mother of 6, and foster children too.

I know this may sound more suited for younger kids, but it's worth a try... Maybe you could discuss the "rules" with him and let him determine the punishment beforehand if he decides to break the rules. Then he can't be angry at you for "unfair" punishment (although I realize he may still think it's unfair, at least HE'S the one that decided!). It seems at this age they just want to discover who they are... Maybe if he had something he could be responsible for... Like the "big brother" program? That may inspire him to "keep his nose clean" for the sake of his "little brother." Just a thought... Don't forget to pray for him!

Check out "Boys to Men",
http://www.boystomen.org/index.php
This is a wonderful program that provides boys with mentoring and modeling so that they learn integrity, accountability, compassion and respect. They help boys develop responsibility and guide them toward healthy manhood. If his father is willing, they go through this together and the bond that is created is one of great respect and love.

I can't say enough about it here...I encourage you to look at the website and ask around; this is a truly amazing organization.

This is a link to a documentary http://www.mirrormanfilms.org/
I haven't seen it, but it is most likely another good resource.

Good luck from a mother of a 3 1/2 boy, and wife to a husband who has been through the adult version of the program.

A.,

I feel for you. My youngest daughter went through this. A good student, a good Christian girl. I can't tell you where it started exactly. I know that once she hit junior high, drugs and alcohol got real easy for her to find, AT SCHOOL! Then she started sneaking out. Grounding and traditional punishments didn't do anything....in fact, she relished the chance to find a way around them. I had to get into tough love myself. There's nothing harder than that, no matter what anyone tells you. But I put her into the local drug court for teenagers, got her into an inpatient rehab program, (they tried outpatient first, but the kids just don't WANT to quit, and they use it to find ways to obtain their drugs and alcohol), a good inpatient worked best....and I'm telling you....I was so ready to pull her out, cause my heart was just broken. I thought she was going to hate me forever. Well, that was 3 years ago, she's clean and sober, she and I have the best relationship we've ever had, she's the best student....and she'll even tell you that the extreme structure and discipline, and "tough love", saved her life. And I'm a tough mom...but she was crying out for attention, self medicating....things I didn't understand, because I had never used drugs or alcohol.

All I can say is good luck, and the best thing for you.....find a parent support system!!!!

Don't forget that all kids have their currency and once they become teenagers their currency may change. Find what he values most -- my 15 year-old son loves to go to movies with me. It took awhile to find out that this means something to him beyond what I would have thought. Instead of always using punishments or doing penance, it works for my son to reward good behavior. Restriction for him means staying home, which he doesn't mind, so that doesn't work for us. He really hates cleaning the bathroom so that is his job when his mouth gets him into trouble. Keep talking, though, I am convinced that they do hear you!

I've raised two boys. They are now 23 and 21. My 21 year old had been a challenge. They are heavily influence by their friends. If his friends are engaged in harmful behavior, he will most likely follow. I know it would be very hard, but it might be a really good idea to move him away from the bad influence. You should go with your instincts with this piece of advise. Another alternative would be to encourage your son to stand up for his high moral beliefs. He can also have an influence on them for good. There is a really awesome book out there written for high school youth called, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" written by Sean Covey. Look it up on the internet. You should find all kinds of stories of teens who have made 180 degree life changes for the better. I would highly recommend the book. As for discipline, my kids had to write reports. They hated it. It required them to do research and to be maybe 2 pages in length and they were on restriction until it was done. They usually didn't do it again. As far as giving them freedom: They must understand that to get freedom, they have to be worthy of it. You have to be able to trust them. When they have proven responsible behavior, then give them something to be responsible for. Give them chores to do. It will help them feel they are needed in the family. It is also an opportunity for you to give them praise. Speaking of praise; give them as much good honest praise as possible. Give them good attention when good is done. Pick your battles. If you nag them about everything, they will learn to turn you off no matter what you tell them. I hope this helps. Each child is so different.

Below are just two places to find info on the 7 habits. There is more, just google it.

http://www.amazon.com/Habits-Highly-Effective-Teens/dp/06...
http://www.7habits4teens.com/habits.html

With boys, add; girls, take away. Boys in trouble, sweep the driveway, living room needs vaccuuming, logs to be split, etc. Girls in trouble, phone is gone for 24 hours, friends can wait for a day or two, etc. And always, communication and take a little time, even though they don't appear to want it. Take one on one's for a quiet dinner, a trip to the grocery store, complements for carrying in groceries, sweeping the floor, etc. A hug everyday helps too, and if they pull away, while you're sitting on the couch having a coffee, ask them to sit and check with them on advice on things you are trying to decide, then a quick hug to thank them for their opinion.
Just a little advice from a 6 time parent; 9 years of foster care and having spent my life coaching, doing daycare, etc.

I have a 17 year old and a 3 year old. I have to constintly tell my 17 year old stuff over and over. His attitude really sucks. I feel like i'm going to give up on him, but I am still tryin to work with my oldest son. He's doing a little better each day. Pray every night and talk in a normal voice. Its working for me...