I am seeking, very sadly, to separate from my husband of 11 years. I would like to do so amicably and prefer to minimize legal fees. I am interested in finding the names of great, but affordable, mediators who will help me consider all the details that may not yet have occurred to us. This is our first step into the world of divorce and as agonizing as it is, I would like to feel confident about the process and outcome.
My husband is not making anything easy for me and I have been discouraged by many, many friends and family members to protect myself with an attorney. I've been trying to negotiate on my own with my husband for 8 months and he's insistent on giving me the minimum possible to help me and our 5-yr. old daughter. I stopped working when I became pregnant and have been out of the work force since. I am now 41 and am feeling a bit discouraged about my immediate and long-term future. I have been with my husband since before he built his career. He is successful professionally, and somehow I believe he should help me while I try to re-build my life on my own with my daughter. He has not in any way been an active parent to our daughter, having been inaccessible and away for work during most of her 5 years. He believes I haven't been doing anything during his long absences, and that I've had a life for which many women would have given anything to have. I'm deeply discouraged and upset at the idea that having an absent, adulterous husband and neglectful father should have made me feel fortunate.
Each time I see the sparks fly between my daughter and her father, I tell myself I should stay and work it out. He is opposed to counseling and refuses to go. I've tried to leave a couple of times, but always had a bit of hope to keep our family together, and fear, that brought me back. I'm no longer hopeful, and feel less fear, and I just want to stop the bleeding.
I would appreciate it very, very much if anyone could suggest the names of:
1) great, affordable mediators
2) support groups for divorcing mothers/women over 40
3) decent, affordable divorce attorneys
Thank you very much in advance.
L.
L.,
I'm sorry for what you're going through. An old friend of mine is a mediator: Adam Berner, ____@____.com
good luck.
Hi L.,
I'm sorry for your current situation, but please be smart about what you are about to do. Now that your child is 5 and goes to school there is no reason for you not to work or take a course. If you don't, you'll always depend on him or someone else for support.
Don't get a mediator, but get a lawyer. He has to pay you alimony and child support based on his income. However, sometimes alimony is temporary and a judge may very well order you to work. It's also good to work to get health insurance. I don't think your husband will be responsible for you once you divorce.
You can definitely live without your current husband, but not without an income and independence.
Since I don't know where you live (city or state) I won't offer you the name of a lawyer. But please be prepared prior to venturing on your own. You have to have a financial plan for yourself and your child.
Good Luck
K.
My stepmom is a divorce lawyer out of Clifton. I've recommended her before to others from this group and they have had great experiences with her. You didn't mention where you lived but if you live close to Clifton, NJ, give her a call ###-###-####. Her name is Geraldine O'Kane. If nothing else, maybe she can give you some resources of where to go. Take care!
C.
Honestly, divorces are extremely expensive depending on the time it takes to get divorced and what is involved. It can get very time consuming, so your best bet is to go to the court house and ask for legal help, and they will refer you to the most affordable lawyers. I just finished my court stuff and I had to pay over $8000 and it was going on since last year November, but i'm in Jersey. My lawyer charged me $350 and hour. Some lawyers can charge 250 an hour, but those are hard to find. So seek information at the court house and make sure that you have all your ducks in a row because if they see that you're not working, they're going to say you have potential. So you need to seek employment, and if you need child care, find it right away because thats going to come into play with child support. If you have a house together, you can get 50 percent if you're on the deed, if not, you will only get 50 percent of the items you owned jointly. Divorce is difficult, I wish you the best. And NYC judges are alot better than the ones here in Jersey because I went through both court systems and I saw the difference. Wish you luck.
First, you are an amazing mother. Just from this post it is evident that you care about your daughter immensely. I do not have any info on attorneys/mediators etc, but I would suggest going to www.meetup.com and looking for support groups there. It is a brilliant site.
I also wanted to mention that your husband isn't look at anything from your side. He may have been running the business but you took the role of stay at home mother and I'm sure it was a choice that both of you made therefore making it impossible in the last years for you to have a job or career other than mom. You could have been out there working or starting your own successful business but you were taking care of the home responsibilities and he could not have made his money or done his job if it weren't for you.
No one should feel lucky if money is thrown at them instead of love, a million women would not want that position BUT a million women would want your strength.
You are obviously a strong and wonderful woman and I wish you the best of luck in the next months (& beyond that of course). Just remember (and I am a daughter of divorced parents), your happiness is just as important and they will have a relationship whether you and her father are together or not.
I can recommend a good divorce attorney, but he is out in the Denville, NJ, area (Morris County). If that would be helpful to you, let me know.
Divorce can get very expensive (and ugly) very quickly. Mediation and an amicable agreement are the way to go, IF your husband is willing to cooperate.
Also, under NJ law, I believe he will be obligated to pay you at least temporary alimony while you get a career back on track. And he will certainly have to pay child support, probably through college. But please do get some professional advice.
My heart goes out to you.
