Seeking Support & Advice for Daughter's First Day at Daycare Tomorrow

i looked for an answer to this question when starting my son in preschool at 3 yrs old - something that would make it easier for his transition. Because same as you, my son was always with family or me. And what I reallly found was that unfortunately the only real thing that worked was time. My son cried and was miserable for the first few days, as was I too. I cried and was the streotype that I did nopt want to be. But he did get over it and is fine and now likes it - JUST LIKE EVERYONE TOLD ME - sometimes the hard way is the only way, as annoying as that sounds.

I would have her take her favorite doll, stuffed animal and tell her that you are with her through that item and that she will be able to learn and play with other kids. Also I pack a backpack with her favorite blanket and a picture or you can get a picture doll made that will allow her to know you are there with her. see site below for photo dolls

http://www.funfelt.com/photo-dolls.html

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As a mother, and former preschool teacher, I have been on both ends of the stick. Some children are more prone to separation anxiety than others. It is part of normal development, so it's important for you as the parent to know that you aren't doing something "wrong" if your toddler or preschooler experiences separation anxiety. You aren't a bad parent for having to go to work.

If you are new to the daycare scene, try setting up some extra time before you "officially" start the program. Go in with your child for an hour or two a couple days out of the week. Let them explore the environment with you there, trying to allow them the freedom to move around without needing to hold your hand. Play with them, read to them, get them used to the routine and environment while still having the security of having you there.

When it is time for you to go, I have found that it's actually harder on the child if you linger due to their anxiety. If they fuss or cry when you leave, then you stop to hug them ten or twenty times, giving them the reassuring talk of "I'll be back soon". What you are actually doing is feeding into their negative behavior. They see that if they fuss and make a scene, you will stay longer. They begin to use this against you, prolonging the length of anxiety. Hug them, kiss them, then walk away.
Some preschool centers have monitors in the office of each room. You could watch your child from there to see that it only takes a short while for them to recover from crying before joining their friends and having fun.

For those who truly do have a difficult time being away from their parents, there are a few things that will help your child throughout the day:
- allowing them to bring their favorite blanket, pillow, or stuffed animal for nap-time
- bringing pictures of you and your family for them to look at
- if you are dropping your child off in the morning at or before breakfast, pack them a special snack that you can get them started on before you have to go: a muffin, cereal bar, or other healthy food choice that they enjoy.
- perhaps you have a watch or pair of sunglasses that you don't really need. Let your child "hold it" for you while you're away. Giving them something tangible to hang onto.

I have encountered a few parents who will stay and linger until their child cries for them. They seem to need the reassurance themselves that their child will miss them while they are gone, or that they are needed. This does more damage to the child than good. Please don't allow your guilt for having to go to work provoke you into upsetting your child in such a manner. Of course they love you! Of course they will be happy when the day is done and they get to go home with you!

Most daycares will be happy to give you an update on how your child is doing. All you need to do is call, or ask them to call you at a specific time during the day when you are available. If your child is suffering from separation anxiety, it could be more upsetting to them if you ask to speak to them while making such a call. Hearing your voice will only cause them to want you to be there in person. Give them time to adjust to their surroundings, the new people, and the new experiences.

Talk to your child about things they did during the day. Ask them about what they learned. Most daycares have some form of communication to let you the daily schedule. Look it over, prompt your child on specifics. "What did you do today?" is far too broad of a question for them. Try, "Did you make an art project?" or "What toys did you play with?" Let them know you are interested in what they have done. Promote that you are happy they are learning and having fun. Give them to "OK" to have a good time, even without you there.

If it's at all possible, get to know the other parents at the center. Set up play dates with other kids in your child's class. This will help them to form bonds and friendships, giving them something to look forward to.

Separation anxiety is a normal, healthy part of development. It can be worked past, minimized, and eventually eliminated. Be patient, be understanding, and work with your child's teacher to come up with solutions that will best suit your child's individual needs.

It is so hard to say good-bye. I really feel for you. One thing my daycare wanted me to do was make a family poster. On the poster we glued all sort of pictures of the family. My daughter was pretty excited to show her new teachers her family and I heard that when she got sad they would sit in front of the poster and talk about her big sister and her mom and dad. Just know that it may be tough but she and you will get through it. I have three daughters and two were in daycare. I can tell a big difference in the three girls. I think the daycare setting made such a great impact on my two older girls. Whatever you do just know that you are exposing her to new experiences that she might not get a chance to see or learn from. Daycare can be a great experience. I only wish I could have afforded to send my third. Good luck and be strong.

First, as many have already said, don't just sneak out. As well, don't extend the goodbye. Most kids will have a slight adjustment to you leaving, then get busy playing with other kids and be just fine in about 20 minutes or so. Give them a call once you get to work and just check in on how she is. This is most likely going to be harder for you that it will for her.

Please know too that daycare IS NOT a bad reflection on you as a parent, nor will it be in any way detrimental to your little one. In fact, as a mom who's son attended daycare right up until he started preschool, I can spot a child who's been strictly with a mom or another family member from a mile away. These are generally the kids who have the hardest time adjusting to a school setting and have anxiety about spending time with unknown adults (teachers) and other little kids. Your daughter will definately benefit from this experience and it will make her a very well rounded and independant little girl.

Hang in there momma! You and she will do GREAT and those first day jitters will be just a distant memory very soon.

Talk to her tonight and let her know exactly what is going to happen when you take her to daycare tomorrow so she isn't surprised. When you get there, do exactly what you described to her. Give her a kiss and a hug, remind her that you talked about it, and that you will pick her up. I always add a specific time period to when I will pick them up...after lunch, after nap, "I'll see you at dinner time." etc. Then my boys know exactly when to start staring out the window looking for me. Good luck!

We recently had to switch daycares for our 3 year old. I was worried about the transition, since my daughter had been going to her original daycare since she was 3 months old. We tried to talk up the new place and said that she would be meeting some new friends and how much fun that would be, trying to be very positive. She was also able to meet her new daycare person several times for brief periods before she actually started. That was very helpful if you are able to do that. It is an in home daycare, so it's a little different than a traditional daycare setting.

At drop off, I give my daughter a hug and kiss, say I love you and will pick you up after work- very simple. I don't advise walking out without her seeing you. Just keep the same routine at drop off and don't linger too long. As you said, she will likely cry, although surprisingly my daughter didn't at her new place. Also, try to be very positive and not show any anxiety, because your daughter will pick up on that. I know that it is difficult to leave our children with a complete stranger, so there is an adjustment period for everyone. Good luck!

Give her a transition object- something of yours that she can have with her all day to "watch for Mommy" until you come to pick her up. I would not sneak out- but don't make your good bye too long either (just makes it harder for both of you)- Also in the next week if you can have your mom watch your son and go visit the daycare with your daughter two or three times before she starts- the first time you stay with her the whole time- stay for an hour or so- let her meet the other kids and see you interact with the provider- then the next time you go- stay with her for a little bit then leave for just a short period- say half an hour- then try that for another day if you can- gives her a chance to get use to the environment before she is there for the long haul- plus it makes the provider a little less of a stranger on her first day.

Good Luck!

M.

I feel your pain! My son is starting a mother's day out program this week. I took him to the school and he seemed to enjoy the other children and all their activities. I thought I would share the advice from the director about easing my son into this new routine. This is a program where we walk the children to their classroom so she said to arrive early to drop them off. Then once we get them settled and other kids start arriving the faster we leave the better. He/she will probably cry and if he/she continues to have a hard time then we begin to leave the child at the center for only one or two hours at a time. She said it is important that the child begins to trust them and one way of doing that is by telling the child when you will return. At this mother's day out they have snack one hour into the program. So, if my son is having a hard time adjusting and I start leaving him an hour at a time then she will tell him, "your mommy will be here right after we have our snack" and she said that I better be there right after snack. I am not sure if you have this option since you are starting back to work. I thought I would just pass it on. I wish the best for you. Good luck!

I took my little one to the daycare a couple of times before dropping her off and let her play then we left together. SHE had no problems..I on the other hand, cried all the way to work. Good luck.

Yeah...don't sneak out. This will be traumatic for her. Give her hugs and kisses, tell her you love her and you will see her later.

I was nervous about dropping mine off the first few days, but she had a lot of fun. I was the one crying , feeling guilty, and called three times during the day to make sure she was okay..lol.

Don't leave when she isn't looking and don't extend your goodbye by trying to "talk her through it" - she is 2 1/2, she cannot reason or understand time. She may cry. She may not. She may be so fascinated by the toys and children the first day that she doesn't cry that day, but she does afterwards. Bring her to school, give her a picture of you or a necklace of yours to wear, say goodbye and see you after lunch/before lunch/whenever you're getting her and leave, whether she cries or not. It might be very hard for you to do that, but staying will just teach her that if she cries, you'll stay and you end up in a long, manipulative game. If you want her to get used to daycare, then get her used to the quick goodbye routine.
Also, kids pick up on your emotions. If you are crying, acting sad or nervous about this, she will think it's something to be sad or nervous about. Be excited and enthusiastic about her going to "school" so that she feels like it's something to be excited about
Good luck

Hi K.,
I am also working on this question as I prepare to send my son to daycare for the first time next week. He was also lucky enough to have grandma care for him for his first years, but she passed away suddenly last month. We are devastated, and it's been a difficult transition time for my son. I am also worried about how he will react to having a full day at school (because of work and his school schedule, he will probably be there 8 plus hours/day, 5 days/week). I have been preparing him by reading stories about school and visiting his school for an hour or two at a time, while I wait nearby (the school has a waiting room just for that purpose, and last time I was there with another mom and we shared our nervousness a bit).
Anyway, from my experience as an early childhood teacher, and as a mommy, I would recommend that you do tell your daughter that you are leaving when you leave, or she will experience a painful feeling of abandonment. Also, try to take enough time to see her off. If your school lets you stay a bit longer, try to stay a bit longer. Reassure her that you are, and always will be, coming back for her. It will be hard for her to understand at first, but she will be okay if you are clear that you are coming back. Children can break your heart when you see them cry for you, but I know from the teacher side of it, that maybe 95% of the time, the children will stop crying and actually enjoy their day after you leave. And you can always request a phonecall from the school if she is still crying after a certain period of time. Your daughter is still young, and so it will be hard. It's good that you expect this already. My heart is with you as you go through this rite of passage that so many of us mothers go through.
I would say to trust your intuition, though, and see how your child is doing after a few weeks. If you don't feel like it's a good fit for her, then be open to looking elsewhere. Mother's intuition is very strong, so go with it. Reward your daughter for being a "big girl", too. I started a treat system for my son recently, and every couple weeks or so (depending on how his behavior is, and how patient he is able to be) we will either do something special that he wants to do, or I will buy him a small toy (less than $5 usually). Give lots of hugs and love and affection, and just let your daughter know how proud you are of her.

Best,

Nessa

As a Director of a Pre-School in Florham Park and a mother of 2 children, I understand how you feel. My daughter cried the first two months of daycare and it was heartbreaking. At The London Day School, we really encourange new parents to call the school as many times as they like during the day to check on their child. In almost every case the child is happy at play five minutes after the parent has left, but the pain of leaving is fresh all day in the paren'ts mind. It can be so comforting to call and get a report about your child and if the school is a good one, they won't mind at all. We also encourage parents to drop in anytime they can, or schedule a time during a lunch hour or on a day you might have off from the office to do a mystery read or help with a center time acitivity. As a parent you should feel comfortable that your child is safe and happy, and the school should be helping you to feel comfortable in this transition.-D. Lindner - Director, The London Day School - Florham Park, NJ