Self Esteem and Confidence and My 5 Year Old and Her First Breakup with a Boy

To M. it sounds more like a personality issue rather than self-esteem. Some personalities are very focused on quality and doing things correctly while others are more up for the challenge of trying something new.

I really don't think it's an issue of self-esteem or confidence and trying to focus on those things won't do a ton of good. She hates to be wrong in front of people, which means that she probably normally feels she's right. (I also bear these awesome traits...)

I'd focus on the specific situations and her feelings about those situations. In a situation where she wants to try something new but is afraid of doing it "wrong," J. talk her through what she would do, what she thinks could go wrong, what she thinks will happen/people will say if she does it wrong, how she reacts when people around her do something "wrong."

Also, remind her that there are lots of ways to do something. J. because she doesn't do it the same way as someone else doesn't mean her way was "wrong." That's a big lesson that I'm still working on learning.

I think always trying to help her put herself in other's shoes (if she's afraid of being rejected, find out how she would feel about another little girl who "put herself out there" in the situation at hand) and helping her to think through her feelings and reactions will be immensly helpful as she grows up.

Well, when she says this other girl 'deserved' him more, is it possible what she meant was this other girl was a better match for him?

I'm not sure this is an issue of low self esteem, as it is evidence of incredibly mature awareness for her age.

J. my $.02!

:)

Make sure that you are not more upset about this than she is. Sometimes kids, even at 5, are incredibly perceptive!

I'm not sure how much help this is, more of a comment really. We tell the kids "you have to be able to laugh at yourself". That applies when doing something embarrassing in front of friends or your parents. Or when you're unsure of the next step you need to take. Let your baby know it's all in fun. Good Luck.

Self Esteem builders for girls are other activities that focus on strong, independent women/girls.
Scouting is great - reading about Ruth from the bible (I think the golden books have those) or other independent women - Annie Oakley, Clara Barton, Dolly Madison (not the bakery - LOL!) Amelia Earhart, etc - strong women known for their brains, femininity and acomplishments!
Best of luck!

Your daughter sounds like mine (she is 5 too). I tell my daughter it is OK to get the wrong answer and/or do the wrong thing, that’s how we learn. As for the boyfriend I don't know about that. Maybe she sees that the other girl would be a better match for his personality or maybe she J. doesn't like him that much anymore.
My daughter has a hard time in school because she says she doesn't have a “best” friend. She was very close with one girl that moved away J. before Thanksgiving and has a hard time dealing with the feeling of loss. There are only six kids in the class, well seven now a boy J. started there after the holiday break. One of the other girls feels she needs to compare how they all look and dress. Yes at 5 she makes negative comments about my daughter wearing her hair up in a ponytail. Having met the mother I see where she gets it. I tell my daughter that it’s ok to be herself and that she is beautiful, she hears it all the time from strangers when we are out.

self esteem in anyone is earned. You can't give it to her. You can't praise her into it. Your high praise will actually have the opposite effect. SHe has to do things that she is proud of and be praised for the effort she puts into it. Praise hard work and it encourages hard work. SHe will know in her soul that is good because she does good things. Get her in karate, ballet, tumbling, volunteer work, art classes. Something that she can beam with pride about and brag to her friends that she is good at. Doing things you are proud of is the only way to have true esteem for yourself.

My daughter is 3. I do know other parents who told their daughters they were not allowed to have boyfriend until they are 13, and can't date until 16. Every boy knew this of one of the girls. My son had a crush on her, but as soon as she had her birthday there were boys lined up to be her boyfriend. My son J. backed off because she knew boys were after her. The other girl he became super good friends with, she lives too far for them to even think of boyfriend and girlfriend.
My thoughts are possibly tell her to tell other boys she is not allowed by her parents to have a bf until she is 13. That way the burden is off of your little girl. :)

the easiest way to build self-esteem & confidence is to never, ever allow your young child to be in an inter-personal situation such as this. Teenhood drama is bad enough, but when you allow this type of interaction at such a young age....you are setting the stage for her to be dependent upon affirmation from the opposite sex.

To say that your question isn't about any of this silly K drama is a misstatement! To help her self-esteem & confidence, she needs to be limited to situations which are age-appropriate. It doesn't matter if it seems "cute" to you.....she does not have the developmental maturity & wisdom to foster a relationship. Young childhood is the time for building friendships, to play & have fun....not to be tethered to a significant other.

Whenever we were faced with "dating" issues at this age, we simply said, "Nope, you can't date until you're 16". It became our mantra, & we were able to avoid most of the pitfalls thru grade school. & yes, our sons were upset at times....but we stood firm. We also used the phrase, "it's not a date, if Mommy/Daddy have to drive you". Worked wonders!

A couple of things jump out at M.: please don't project yourself onto your child. J. because you recognize certain traits within yourself, & perhaps your child shows these tendencies....it is very possible that she may not fall into your same patterns.

Another thought would be: she certainly struck a nerve with you over the other girl being "funnier". I find it interesting that she managed to hit you so hard with her self-diminishing comment. J. saying....girls know how to hit hard.....

& finally, our school district is firm on their PDA rules/regulations. I am surprised that hugs are allowed. Honestly & seriously, I mean frowned upon, kids reprimanded, etc. :) My younger son is a freshman this year. I have had multiple comments from the teachers/administration over his entire class. They are having to bend/flex the rules, because they've never had a more "touchy-feely" class.....ever. & I mean ever! This class is rewriting the rules....as I type!

I know that , in a sense, I have not answered your question as requested. But, honesty is imperative for M......& this was my honest response. Her self-esteem & confidence will blossom when kept innocent. :)

I don't have any ideas for self-esteem...I think my six year old has too much, if anything...but I do want to warn you.

It isn't all "innocence" like you think it is. I'm sorry, but you need to open your eyes. You don't know what this other child has been exposed to, or what he will expose YOUR child to. When I was in K, a boy showed M. his "stuff." I think I was traumatized from that point, because until then I didn't know. Neighborhood boys around my house try to pull stuff like that, too...I know several kids who have been pulled out of school for "sexual" behavior as young as Kindergarten...and it's all what they're exposed to, or that boundaries aren't being set.

I J. want you to protect your daughter and realize that innocence is a thing of the past due to poor parenting. Not YOUR parenting...you sound fine...a little naive, maybe...but you can't trust YOUR child in the hands of another when you don't know what THEIR parents are doing. Please think about this.

I am not sure what to say... my 5 year old girl doesn't even know what "breaking up" means, let alone that the reason would be because the other girl was funnier. Kids don't make these concepts up, they hear about them from somewhere. This is why I try not to encourage the boyfriend/girlfriend thing with my DD. They have so much time to worry about it later, they should be having fun & playing with all sorts of friends, not limiting themselves. Like another poster said, you have no clue what these other kids are being exposed to in the home. Sure, it may seem innocent, but you really don't know.