My teenage son has been challenging for most of his life. He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was in 4th grade. He was taking medication, but took himself of this past summer. He scrapes by with D's. Now that he is older and bigger, I am finding things are harder and harder to deal with. He repeatedly doesn't come home after school, doesn't let me know where he is. I tried setting limits for his phone, he just lost it and doesn't seem to care now.
He has lied to me repeatedly about school. He was assigned tutoring, didn't go. He lied and told me he had gone, and then his English teacher emailed me and said he had not shown up all week and she gave him detention.
He fights consistently with his younger siblings, he hits them, traps them places, swears at them, etc.
Last night was the final straw. He said he was walking his friend home at dinner time. He never returned home.
I woke up at 2am, panicked that he had still not returned. I could not sleep.
I got ready for work in the morning, got my other two kids up for school and decided that if he did not show up at school I would call the police.
Right before I left the house, his father called me. We have been divorced for 8 years. Apparently my son attempted to call his father last night at 11pm. Did not leave a voicemail, did not talk to anyone. His father called the number back in the morning and it was one of his friends. He spoke to him briefly. Our son said he would wait until I was gone and pick up his book bag before heading to school. He never attempted to call me at any point.
I have no idea what I did to deserve to be treated with such disrespect. I have been involved in school with him to try to help him succeed. I have tried to pick my battles and not lose my temper.
I finally told his father that I was done. Our son will have to live with him, because he is not following my rules and he is making our house chaotic. It is giving me so much stress, that I am doing it for self-preservation.
And...AND I feel completely awful, like a failure, sad, angry...
If you can, talk with his dad. Be a team to get your son through this. You're not a failure. You can't fix everything. He has to take responsibility for his actions and be held accountable. If you and his dad can get on the same page about this and support each other in this, it'll keep you all sane during this tough time.
"What you did to deserve to be treated with such disrespect": YOU were the present parent doing all the hard work. Your son's father has had it easy.
Don't feel like a failure, sixteen can be a pretty miserable age. It's good for your son to go live with dad, assuming dad will set some boundaries.
How to send him off? Give him a big hug and kiss, and tell him to call you whenever he wants and that you can't wait to see him at __(future date)___.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with sending a teen off to live with another relative for a while. Sometimes it's the best thing to help them mature, and give us a much-needed break.
Good luck.
p.s. I have to respectfully disagree that this is somehow playing into his hand. There is nothing better for many or most teenage boys than a strong male role model. If your son's father is a strong male who will set boundaries, it will be very good for your son. (Most) boys need men to raise them. Having your son live with dad is a good thing.
I was that kid. Except I had no alternative and had to stay with my mother.
She didn't do anything wrong, I had an undiagnosed mental illness. I also had friends who acted out like this, and it was just growing pains. Send him to his dad's, it's for the best. And don't let anyone tell you that you're a bad mom for the way he's acting or for considering this course of action, neither is true. You are not a failure, some teens are just more difficult than others, a change of scenery is probably just what he needs.
The only way my mother and I healed our relationship was by me moving out to go to college. (The eventual diagnosis of my illness also helped a great deal. Speaking of which, I can't understand what those who are taking you to task over this expected you to do, hold your son down and force the ADD meds down his throat?)
I would recommend that you find a good adolescent and family therapist to help you navigate this. He sounds a lot like my 15 year old son - struggling student, ADHD but refuses to take medication - but I don't have the defiance issue (yet). If your ex is a decent person who will enforce rules and will reinforce the need to respect you, the move may be a good one. Sometimes kids respond better to one parent or another at different phases of their lives.
If you and your ex agree to the move, I would present this not in an "I give up on you, you win" kind of way but an "apparently this isn't working for any of us so your father and I have decided that the next step is for you to try living with him and see if that helps you turn things around...we'll give it a trial period and re-evaluate after X time has passed" way.
And do work with a therapist to help you, your ex, your son and any other family members deal with this. When my step-daughter moved in with us, a lot of dysfunction that had been simmering under the surface between my husband and my oldest son (his step-son) and my younger son came to the surface. We had the whole family in therapy and our counselor worked mostly with the older children and my husband and me. It was enormously helpful and I think it's one of the reasons that my oldest son has kept sort of on track and hasn't gone AWOL. I dread the day that he realizes that he's much bigger and stronger than me and that I can't actually make him do anything other than make his life miserable for not following through on his responsibilities. So far when I tell him to hand over his guitar or iPad or whatever privilege he has lost for poor behavior or schoolwork he complies but I know many boys his age who have gotten to the "go ahead and make me" point and at that point, I think it's time to work with a professional to get everyone back on the same team again.
I hope this is a passing phase and that he gets over himself and back in line soon. Hugs to you, I can very much imagine how tough this is.
I know it's hard not to feel like a failure, but you're not. We cannot control our children. We can do our best to teach them right from wrong and set them up for success, but the final decision is theirs.
That's why I get so angry when people say "where are that kid's parents?!" because parents cannot control what their children do, especially as they get older.
In one of today's posts the poster said she would never allow her grown children not to pay their mortgage. I responded with "how do you make a grown person pay their bills? You can't." Just like you can't make your son come home or go to tutoring or even serve his detention. These are his choices and he will have to suffer the consequences, but truly, mom, there is nothing more you can do.
I think it's a good idea for him to go live with his father. You and your other children deserve a happy home.
It doesn't sound like he has any consistent discipline or expectations. He's 16 but he took HIMSELF off of the meds he needs? He's not going to school and coming in at all hours?
I think perhaps it'd be good for him to go to his dad's. Hopefully he'll have some consistency there, and hopefully his dad will get him back on his meds. Instead of looking at this as a negative thing, consider that your 16 year old boy needs his dad right now and talk with his dad about what you can do to support the change.
I really like JB's response to your question . . . that would be my approach too.
It may be the best thing for him in the long run. But either way, I'd keep it about what is best for HIM, not you (not that you would make it about you). It's just easy for that oldest teen to think "well Mom wishes I wasn't around so she'd have an easier time in life."
My oldest is from my first marriage. He's 19 now and there was some time in there when I really worried he might tell me he wanted to go to his dad's. I was prepared for that though it never happened. I just prayed that God would give me the grace and wisdom to do what was best for my son. That's all we moms can do.
Hang in there. <<hugs>>
You haven't failed as a mother. He has failed as a son. With every action comes a reaction. There are consequences for his actions. I say pack him up and ship him out to dad's. The key for you would be to not take him back unless there is some kind of substantial change in his behavior over time.
He is 16 and should bare much of the responsibility for his actions. You don't study you get bad grades. While having ADHD, makes things difficult, you should make better choices.
Not all students fit nicely into the mold of what traditional school looks like. He may be better served having a different kind of learning experience by being in dad's house.
My sister was just the most aweful child ever. She was socially promoted through grammer school and eventually dropped out of highschool. My mom felt like a failure but she was a great mom to both of us. She did the best she could do but my sister never did the best she could have done. I can't even tell you the amount of tears my mom shared over my sister or the depth of a sense of failure she felt too. My mom spent so much energy and effort on my sister that I was left to basically fend for myself often. I'm the oldest and it would have been nice to have had my mom's time and energy too but once she was so consumed with chasing after my sister and dealing with her drama there wasn't much energy or time left for me so I made due. There wasn't a thing my mother wouldn't have done for me. She loved us both but my sister was so very difficult and required so much more.
My mom didn't have an option of sending her to dad's like you do. When my sister finally moved out it was glorious, like the dark cloud had lifted.
There is no doubt in my mind that you are a great mom. Your kid is just aweful and he will have to learn how to live with the decisions he has made. He can live with his dad for the next 2 years and then he will be a legal adult and you are legally off the hook even though emotionally you may feel like you need to help him. Perhaps the best help you can provide is by letting him get to the bottom of himself and stop treating you like you are the enemy.
I hope this helps.
The only person you can change is you and you should allow anyone to mistreat you even if that person is your child. It also will be good for the other kids to see.
You played right into his hand. What makes you think he will suddenly change at dad's house? He'll be back-would not redecorate his room just yet. You might mention to him that he is actually fortunate to have an alternative home to go to-but the rules will be the same-he may as well turn his life around wherever he chooses to live. All the best-it is a very tough age and I know that the first time you held your little son, you had all the hopes and dreams that every parent has for their child. It's not about living up to your expectations, it's about living-being happy, educated, productive and giving-he is just hurting himself not to grab onto all life has to offer, and be grateful for the chance.
A., please give yourself a break here. Let him go live with your ex. Maybe a male presence will make him toe the line. I hope your ex will try.
Have you spoken to a therapist for yourself? It sounds like you need more support and someone who can help you get a little distance from what must be a truly horrible situation.
It also sounds like your son has decided to fight everything that is important to you as part of his teenage rebellion phase: school, your rules, being kind to his siblings, etc.. And that this is more than just your garden-variety rebellion. So perhaps taking yourself out of the equation for a while is the best thing to do. As long as your ex is on board and does not take this as an opportunity to bad-mouth you to your son. Going to live with Dad can't seem like punishment, since that is not fair to Dad, nor can it seem like you are capitulating, which will only make your son feel like the victor in this terrible power game he is playing. Perhaps you and Dad could talk to a good family therapist on how to best work together on this issue?
We can't take too much responsibility for our kids, only do our best and watch with trepidation while they make the mistakes they have to make. Try not to be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are doing the best you can, and that's all any kid - and any mom - can hope for.
Don't feel bad about yourself. Teens have their own battles and sometimes there is not much you can do. Maybe he needs a break from moms routine. Maybe he needs to do some of his own laundry, figure out some of his own meals, get up at the crack of dawn with dad, and answer to someone. Hopefully dad is in support of your decision and understands the need to put him back on track.
I went through some of this with my older daughter. She has finished school, works full time, and has her own place. They do grow up. There was no father for me to send her too. My husband stepped in when she was disrespectful, but gave the two of us our space.
You probably didn't do anything wrong. 16 is a weird age. I remember going out one night with friends and not coming home till 5am. My mom was so worried. i didn't even think to call...I was busy talking to a friend. I didn't do that again, but I can easily see how a 16 year old with a loving, caring mom would find himself caught up in some fun, realize how late it was, and then try to hide from mom so as to not feel like ****. I wouldn't read this as disrespect. If you are involved and caring, I'd read this as your kid trying to not disappoint you. I'd try to figure out why he lies, why he doesn't' call. I wouldn't take it personally (disrespect), instead, I'd try to figure out what need is being met by these behaviors.
I like Rosemud's response. Sounds perfect to me.
buy breaking the vicious cycle and putting your son on a SCD diet. Your son is at an age where it may be hard to convince but that diet gave my daughter a life.
